The Fate Of The Furious (2017) Movie Review

By: Felix Felicis (Two Beers)-

The Fast franchise is to cinema as a bedazzled hamster strapped to a nuclear warhead launched into a black hole made of kittens riding space unicorns is to a mouse holding a sparkler: Next. Fucking. Level. And I say that fully embracing the shark-jumpery abounding in this latest, most furious installment of Vin Dieselry. They go bigger. They go badder. And way more cars bite the mother-fudgin’ DUST… IT’S ROBIN SPARKLES TWO, Y’ALL.

To the three people who got that HIMYM reference, I salute you.

The Fate of The Furious follows Dom and Letty on their street race-laced honeymoon with a dash of baby talk before Dom gets mysteriously blackmailed into some evil-as-shit shenanigans by Rachel Dolezal 2.0 AKA a dreadlocked Charlize Theron as cyber hacker “Cipher” who chews up evil villainery in a way I haven’t seen since 101 Dalmatians. Swap out puppies for nuclear warheads and you’ve hit the nail on the head. It takes a thief to catch a thief, so cue the old team plus The Rock as Good Agent Gone Rogue “Hobbs” scrambling to save the world and their bald-yet-buff leader from inevitable doooooooom.

Again.

A Toast

Ever since the rebooted renaissance of ridiculousness that was Fast Five, Vin Diesel and Co. have managed to up the ante and deliver an ensemble tour-de-force of escalating badassery each and every time the credits roll. Let me state for the record that these movies (and this franchise) are in no way, shape, or form serious cinema, so suspend that willing disbelief and embrace Fate for what it is: popcorn entertainment at it’s finest. The only way possible to top this latest installment of vehicular insanity is for them to somehow set F9 in space. I need Vin Diesel racing a spaceship one quarter lightyear at a time in my life.

CALL ME, STUDIO EXECS, I HAVE IDEAS.

The bulk of the movie is carried by Vin Diesel, The Rock, and Jason Statham (with solid assists from the rest of the ensemble cast) and they own every single second of it. Fate starts, continues, and ends with a bang that has this latest Furious flick destroying more cars than ever before in the pursuit of automobile asskickery.

Fast cars, faster tanks, and nuclear submarines, Oh my!

It’s an entertaining, if slightly hollow, ode to upping the ante. The magic of the franchise lies within the breathtaking stunts (check) and the rapidly dwindling number of Dom’s original crew (slight check). There’s no denying that they took the mind-blowing machinery next-level. But even the dreadlock-twirling delight (and bonkers, world-ending evil mastermind) that was Charlize Theron couldn’t mask what leads me to beer number two.

This franchise is literally FIYAH.

Beer Two

There is a Brian O’Connor/Dominic Toretto bromantical-shaped hole in my heart that no amount of pyrotechnical razzle-dazzle can fill, and while Fate is a wildly entertaining, face-meltingly awesome Fast film; I still feel the loss of Paul Walker and that feeling may never go away (though Vin Diesel racing spaceships would help). There was an ineffable charm to their real life and onscreen friendship that lent a depth I didn’t realize would be lacking (or even expected from a franchise built on fast cars and denim-clad asscheeks) in future movies without it. That feeling might go away. It might not (and can we just NOT with the filler roles like Scott Eastwood’s baby secret agent?- who yours truly went to high school with and can accurately report that he’s a real life dick. Thanks). But I’ll be in a seat waiting for the next Fast flick, regardless, every damn time.

Because DADDY’S GOTTA GO TO WORK.

Verdict

For a good time, fire up Fandango and book a seat on this rollercoaster ride of Vinsanity. Seatbelts optional. IMAX encouraged.

The Fate Of The Furious (2017) Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Dom does something way out of character.

Take a Drink: each time Hobbs throws a verbal beat down.

Do a Shot: when the weather calls for a light smattering of cars.

Take a Drink: anytime Cipher goes all evil-monologue-y.

Shotgun your Beer: for the legacy of Brian (you’ll know when).

About Felix Felicis

Filled with smart-assed sass and armed with the expletives to prove it, Felix Felicis is a critic adrift in a sea of dirty thoughts and tawdry humor. If you see her float by, toss Felix some beef jerky and a taser. She'll take it from there.

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