The Warriors trounced the Cavs in dominating fashion; yet our favorite show was still interrupted, this time by a… uh, “historic” meeting. Meanwhile a chicken got in a fight with a pensive male model, and there were two trips to the ER. Buckle up; it’s time for the recap of episode three!
I am here to formally apologize to my editor for all the hoops (ha ha hoops!) I made him jump through in correcting the date of the possible postponement of Becca’s “journey” to accommodate the NBA Finals, only to have Steph Curry fuck me up. Oh, and LeBron. LeBron James also got caught up in this too. Sorry, LeBron!
As you know, Curry and the Warriors made quick work of the finals. So kind of them, as this meant our show could carry on as planned! Then, there we were Monday night, cuddle up with our rosé and remotes (I’m calling a trademark on “rosé and remotes,” right here, right now. Me typing this makes it legal binding. Yay, me!), all smug with our regularly scheduled program… only to have two dictators dominate our screens. What holy hell nightmare was that? All this makes Garrett Gate not seem so bad. JK – it’s still terrible! So, where does this leave Becca? Let’s find out!
This installment begins with torrential rains in L.A. as the men stare out the window in disbelief. (“Is that water? Coming from the sky?”) David is whipping up eggs as Jordan calls him a “dried chicken.” I’m just as baffled by this reference as you. But, if David is a chicken, does that mean he’s eating his young for breakfast? So many questions!
Chris Harrison shows up for his two-minute contractual obligation. He lets us know there will be two group dates this week, as well as a coveted one on one. The first date card reads, “It’s time to relax.” Going on this excursion are: Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton. Colton claims to be excited to join the group, but we all know he’s shitting his pants.
And with good reason, because Becca’s cadre of besties has arrived and that group apparently includes Tia, along with: Caroline, Bekah, Sienne, and Kendall. As we learned last week, Tia and Colton either dated, spent a weekend together, or “just kissed,” depending on which story you believe they’re telling this week. Becca and the gals chat before the men arrive, with Becca revealing that she would’ve really liked Colton if it hadn’t been for his connection with Tia. Tia just shrugs. Tia is a snake.
The guys arrive, ready for a good pampering. I assume Colton is skipping the massage and going straight for the colonic? Introductions are made, all except for Jason (upbeat Patrick Bateman), whose name Becca hilariously forgets. Don’t worry, dear – you are not alone. Colton and Tia make eye contact and give each other shy waves. Their chemistry is off the charts and no one will ever, ever convince me that these two have not shagged themselves silly. They have fucked. Judgment: final.
While Jordan dominates the spa, Becca pulls Tia aside for a little girl talk. Becca prompts Tia for details, which Tia gives, albeit sparsely. She claims they hung out for just a little bit and that Colton told her he was going on the show. Then, out of nowhere, Tia blurts out, “The most we ever did was kiss.” Becca doesn’t look convinced. Tia does not look convinced. And you know where I stand on this. That zone has been boned. Becca hesitantly asks, “Do you think he was hoping you’d be the bachelorette?” Tia replies, “I mean, prob… possibly. It’s a possibility. [But] I hope he’s fully here for you.” Becca, for the love of god, read between these lines. They are not even blurred!
The spa date from hell ends, with parts rubbed and nails painted. Now it’s time for the evening portion of this nonsense, with heavy foreshadowing from Jason. He says, “The day date was fun. Let’s keep tonight civil!” So there’s your clue that it will be anything but…
Jean Luc grabs her first. They chat before she moves on to Jason, the man who’s name she forgot this morning. She attempts to make up for it by confessing that she has a “little crush” on him before giving him a smooch. He’s so elated that he’s surely singing a Disney tune in his head.
Back on the couch, David starts trash talking Jordan. He is still upset that Jordan wore underwear to the cocktail party. Methinks the gentleman doth protest too much. Meanwhile, Jordan has made David’s brain his personal Airbnb, saying, “I’ve moved into David’s head. I should pay rent there.” Wouldn’t the extra cash benefit David? Just saying!
David gets his moment with Becca, wisely using it to throw Jordan under the bus, all while claiming that he’s not throwing Jordan under said vehicle. He once again complains about Jordan’s underwear, leaving Becca to gently point out that David is the person that showed up to a cocktail party in a chicken costume. Point: Becca. Jordan and David briefly cross paths, where Jordan gives the unique toast of, “Cheers to you being a bitch.” Where is this show’s Emmy? Seriously.
Jordan pulls Becca aside for a hug and the look of disgust on her face is still making me laugh. It is anti-chemistry. They then have a chat, which Jordan kicks off with, “I know it’s hard because I’m a male model…” Yes, Jordan, staring at your face is difficult – but not for the reasons you think. He then refers to himself as a golden retriever, which is a silly enough analogy to get a laugh out of Becca.
Oh, and speaking of male models (because when are we not?), I did research on Jordan’s Wilhelmina claim, as promised. (Jordan says the male model spots are highly coveted and they have under one hundred men on their roster.) I phoned the L.A. office to inquire about the number. Here is our conversation. Enjoy!
Me: “Hello; I’m calling to inquire about the amount of male models Wilhelmina employs.”
Wilhelmina Receptionist: “I’m sorry, I don’t have that number, but you’re welcome to look at our website.”
Me: “Will do! By the way, are you happy with the way Jordan Kimball has been representing your agency?”
WR: “Jordan Kimball… is that a man or a woman?”
Me: “We’ve been asking the same thing!”
WR: “…. Who is this?”
Me: “My name is Jenna. I’m researching an article for MovieBoozer.”
WR: (long pause) “I don’t think I’m supposed to be talking to you.”
Me: “Probably not; but I’d love to connect with your P.R. representative.”
And, my friends, she gave me an email! So stay tuned. Your intrepid recapper will get to the bottom of this, even if I have to fly to L.A. myself.
Back in Bachelorette-land, David and Jordan continue to ineffectively spar as Jason and Wills are in near tears on the couch, laughing at the absurdity of it all. Colton takes advantage of the distraction to chat up Becca. This date has been fun for Becca, but she can’t deny that Colton has been on her mind. (Girl, you’re in danger. Don’t go into that basement.) Colton sounds like he’s reading woodenly from a script, as he claims he’s done with Tia and ready for Becca. He says, “Don’t question it. You can trust me.” Hmm… why am I not convinced? Somehow that’s enough for Becca. She gives him the date rose and makes out with him. I am disappointed.
Also disappointed is Jordan, who blames his rose-lessness on David. (It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with his douchebaggery, could it?) Jordan is on the warpath for David. Will David chicken out on partaking in the model fatwa? More to come!
Now it’s time for some one on one lovin’! The date card reads, “Let’s make your heart sing.” And the gentleman doing the cardiac yodeling will be Chris. The duo pulls up to the iconic Capitol Records building in Hollywood, and they proceed to wander the halls listing off famous musicians. This amazing roster, and yet they chose Richard Marx to greet the couple. Okay, then! (Speaking of Capitol Records and blatant agendas, I’d like to take the opportunity to pump my husband’s magazine, Tape Op, featuring amazing articles about the very building Becca and Chris are in! Read about Capitol Records studio manager Paula Salvatore here, and famous producer Don Was here. I may be biased, but they are truly fascinating reads!)
Richard Marx warbles a snippet of his hit, “Right Here Waiting,” and then assigns Becca and Chris the task of writing a song. All they have to do is be open about their feelings! And you know what men love more than talking/writing about feelings? Literally anything else. While Becca chatters away with Richard, Chris looks like a man about to be sentenced to death row. What could possibly be wrong? Well, we find out that Chris’s father left his family on New Year’s Day when he was 9-years old and never looked back. Damn, that is cold. Chris finally wrote his father a letter, revealing his feelings – a missive to which his dad never responded. So for Chris to put pen in hand, and paper to feelings, is nothing short of traumatic. (It’s almost like the producers knew this tidbit and crafted a date just for him!)
Becca, of course, is gentle with Chris and says she’s glad she knows his story. I, for one, am hopeful that somehow Chris’s father never received the letter by some mistake (maybe an evil stepmother intervened?), sees his sweet son on television, finally does the right thing, and reunites with his family. Is it wrong to ask for one rainbow in this endless shit-storm that is America right now?
The date wraps with Becca and Chris crafting the perfect tune. Yay! They reconvene later that evening for a dinner they won’t eat while complimenting each other on their afternoon songwriting skills. There is more emoting from Chris about his shitty dad, with Becca openly tearing up. Chris gets the date rose, Becca gets a kiss, and the couple is forced to sway as Richard Marx serenades them one more time.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, it’s drama in the Bahamas. Colton tried to shame Jordan for his “4,000 matches on Tinder” (which Tinder apparently sends a “congrats” notification for?) earlier, so Jordan retaliates by trying to take Colton to task for Tia. Colton tries to shut him down, but Jordan persists, saying, “You asked me about Tinder. Where was the respect for me then?” He also claims he talks to God every day, and that if he has a problem with someone that God will 86 the person. I didn’t know God was busy working as Jordan’s bouncer. That explains why the big entity in the sky has been so distracted lately.
But let’s put a pause on all this so the boys can go on a group date. This round the card reads, “We can tackle anything together,” and the lucky ones include: Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake. This date is obviously about football and has been crafted for Clay to shine.
Keyshawn Johnson and Chris Harrison are on hand to call the “Becca Bowl.” Chris notes, “It’s gonna be some pretty bad football. Let’s be honest.” And that is why he makes the big bucks!
The game is surprisingly heated, with Clay’s team nearly losing, thanks mainly to Lincoln who has confused football with soccer. It happens. Clay decides to take things into his own hands – after all, he can’t have any NFL peeps see him lose a game on the freaking Bachelorette! He proceeds to dominate the field, but it comes at a high price, and the cost is an injury that could potentially sideline his career. Um, I think it’s safe to say today’s challenge was not worth it for Clay. He is whisked off to the ER.
Clay is not the only one at the hospital. David is also there! (The previews try to lead us to think the bloodshed was caused by Jordan’s whaling fists. But please – did anyone believe that for a second? Like that petty bitch knows how to throw a punch.) Chris alerts Becca to the accident, where she tries her best acting skills. “Who did this to him?” she demands. Chris is forced to admit David did it to himself… by falling out of bed. They both manage to assert the appropriate sympathy without laughing. But it is here that I would like to stick up for David. The poor dude was sound asleep when this happened. He’s used to sleeping in a king-sized bed, which one can assume is located on ground level, like most adults. So, he’s slumbering away, and rolls over like he normally would at home. Only, unlike at home, this shift comes with a six-foot drop. Have you ever had a dream that you’re falling? Well, that’s what happened to David – except he really was falling. And he was asleep, so his body didn’t have time to brace for the fall. That means he hit the ground with full impact. He broke his nose and had bleeding on the brain; plus, he was carried out on a stretcher in a pair of somewhat embarrassing boxers. (I learned this via Reality Steve. You can follow up here, but be warned that there are loads of spoilers, as that’s his gig.) In short, it actually wasn’t very funny – the poor guy deserves some legit concern. He will return next week, as we learn in the cliffhanger, much to Jordan’s chagrin.
The evening portion of the Becca Bowl group date takes place at yet another cluttered antique store. (How many of these are there in L.A.?) Clay is still at the hospital, so that clears the playing field (sorry, I had to) for Garrett to step up. (Ugh. Why?) He plays some weird tackle game with Becca, using it as an excuse to grab her butt. She loves it. Her picker is officially broken.
Blake and Becca have a cute moment together, where Blake calls Becca his girlfriend. She’s charmed by that as well. Blake says he both “wants to take a nap” with her, and also “cuddle up and watch scary movies.” Becca is giddy at the prospect of both.
Clay arrives at the party in a cast. Becca is thrilled to see him – they make out and he gets a well-deserved rose. Blake is roiling with jealousy. Blake, if you want this woman, you might have to step up your game from Netflix & chill. That’s all I’ve got to say!
Now it’s time for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Connor grabs her first to play softball. I’m still not over how poorly Connor treated Lincoln, so I’ll just keep to myself over here. Becca and Jason have another moment. I still am questioning his Gordon Gekko Wall Street look, but Becca seems to find him sexy. I am trying, but I just can’t get on the same page with her choices… especially when she bursts out with the requisite, “My future husband is here!” I don’t envy her.
Clay reveals that his injury requires immediate surgery. He does some soul searching – should he leave the show and get the surgery, thus buying him more potentially lucrative years in the NFL? Or does he gamble on this woman with 15 other boyfriends to fulfill his love life? (It is sweet – while Clay doesn’t have much heat personality-wise, he’s obviously a decent man who takes supporting his family seriously.) He and Becca have an emotional talk, before Clay decides, “The right thing to do is to go.” Clay returns his rose; Becca cries. The show ends before the culmination of the flower distribution. Who will stay, and who will go? Next week holds the answers, along with David’s new face. See you soon!
David returns. Jordan continues to act like petty is his job, in tandem with being a model. Someone else has been dishonest with Becca. Is it Tia? I am telling you – that woman is shady AF and Becca is wasting Girl Code on her. But it’s most likely for the best, as Colton is appearing to be substantially less worthy than the charity he runs…
*You can also follow Jenna Zine for live tweets during the broadcast. We hope you enjoy – we welcome your comments and shares!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 3 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Colton tries to justify his time with Tia.
Take a Drink: every time Becca tries to justify Colton’s time with Tia!
Take a Dink: every time you wander if Tia is part of Taylor Swift’s snake army.
Take a Drink: every time Lincoln messes up during the Becca Bowl.
Take a Drink: for every injury during this episode. Speedy healing, y’all!
Do a Shot: for Jordan. Yes, Jordan. Courtney Robertson also had a successful modeling career before going on The Bachelor and had a lot of difficulty securing work after her notorious turn on the show. Is Jordan headed for the same fate?