It’s time to recap the Fantasy Suite dates and there’s nothing I can write that won’t sound filthy, so I’m just gonna bang this recap out. Don your protective gear as we discuss Becca Kufrin’s choices in Episode 9!
Becca wanders the streets of Thailand as she neatly summarizes her relationships with the three remaining men she’s flown halfway across the world. She reminds us that Garrett received the first impression rose (girl, why?!), but questions, “Can he challenge me for a lifetime?” (Psst… the answer is no.) She reflects on her slow start with Jason, but claims they’ve caught up and believes that he’d be her lover and best friend. With Blake she reveals it’s effortless and that with him she’s 100% herself. When she looks to the future, she sees him in it. But there are Fantasy Suite cards to hand out first, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves!
Blake receives the first date. He is nervous and excited. Becca greets him with the patented run/fling/wrap legs greeting that only lithe 20-somethings are privy to. (I’m not bitter!) Becca tells him they are going on a hike to a sacred temple, and that they will not be able to touch or kiss while they’re there. She’s going full Sting on him and I’m here for it! The temple is gorgeous and time spent with the monks felt tranquil. Where is my time travel ring? I want to go to there.
The evening portion brings both a rainstorm and an outpouring of emotion. Becca is scared that Blake is seeming almost too perfect. She’s believed words before and gotten her heart stomped. (Are we still talking about Arie in Episode 9? Yes, we are. Also of note: she’s giving him way too much credit.)
Even though I just got my nails done with a fancy-ass manicure, I was still typing like the wind last night. (Insert not-so humble brag here.) I present to you their word-for-word dialogue:
[Blake (to the camera), “I know they don’t love her like I love her. But does she love them? That’s where the fear comes in.”
Becca, “Every time I’m with you, it gets better and better. We’ve never taken a step back. That’s very special.”
Blake, “We never miss a beat.”
Becca, “It’s so good with you. I’m used to having the rug pulled out from under me. And that’s scary.”
Blake, “I’ve been blindsided and I know how that feels.”
Becca, “You could potentially commit to me in a week. Does that freak you out?
Blake, “No, it doesn’t. I’m the kind of guy that looks for a reason to stay, not a reason to go.”]
Swoon. With that Becca presents Blake with a key to her vagina to the Fantasy Suite and the look on his face is priceless. They enter the room, as the camera pulls away….
To morning, where Becca is cuddling a shirtless Blake with a full face of makeup. Though they look extremely, um, satisfied, Blake is still full of nerves. He doesn’t want this to be the last time they wake up together. He’s feeling vulnerable; it’s as adorable and heart-rendering as it sounds. We have two weeks until we find out Blake’s fate. The world waits with breath that is bated…
It’s Jason’s turn for solo time with our lovely Bachelorette, but there’s quickly trouble on the horizon, for there is no run/fling/wrap greeting for our slicked-back shorty. Rather Becca waits for him calmly and gives him a hug. And that’s how you watch someone get Friend Zoned in real time.
They delve into the Sunday market to explore. They agree to eat crickets, because that’s a snack you can have in Thailand. Becca claims they are “smoky,” but neither one of them makes it past nibbling more than a leg. It’s not long after the cricket snack that Becca starts freaking out. She asks Jason to have a seat while she seeks out a production assistant, where she then proceeds to have a full-on panic attack. Why? Well, she’s not sure – all she knows is that she “suddenly” doesn’t feel the same about Jason, but is unclear about what it means or what to do about it. Something tells me the only key Jason will be seeing tonight is the one he already has for his own room.
They must’ve worked it out enough to leave the market because we’re now seeing a takeaway interview with Becca in the evening. She says she owes him more time to see if they can get back on track. Meanwhile, we see Jason enthusiastically talking up his relationship with Becca in his solo interview and Twitter reflexively cringes. We all see the Mack truck heading full-speed towards Jason’s heart, yet we are powerless to stop it.
Jason shows up as a lamb for the slaughter for dinner and they immediately delve into their Hometown date. They’re chatting away, but it’s clear Becca is not into it. She excuses herself, yet again, leaving Jason to sit alone. She moans endlessly about how confused she is, but the answer is quite simple: She likes Jason. She respects Jason. However, her lady parts do not want Jason. The velvet clam has spoken. No need to beat yourself up over it.
With that, she releases Gordon Gekko-lite to the vultures at Paradise. Jason actually grew on me quite a bit – his maturity and kindness belies his years, and it is a welcome change. I’m rooting for him and his adventure on the sunny shores of Sayulita, Mexico!
And now it’s the date we’ve all been dreading – the one on one with the not-so closeted racist tomato farmer, Garrett. He is the second coming of Idiocracy and her attraction to him has me both baffled and worried. However, it doesn’t stop him from receiving the coveted run/leap/fling greeting as they coo over how much they missed each other. Where is my barf bag?
Becca takes Garrett rafting, believing it would be mellow, but not realizing it was a Thai national holiday. There is back-to-back raft traffic on the river and it is hilarious watching them try to navigate it gracefully. (Spoiler alert: they don’t.) It is especially entertaining when the locals splash them (not so much “splash” as actively try to douse). You can tell they wish these assholes with their camera crew would get out of the way. Garrett later says it “was fun getting splashed by the people,” and you know he’s longing for his more colorful Instagram language.
Now we’re on to the evening portion of their date where Becca repeatedly exclaims she “wouldn’t have wanted to go through that with anyone else.” Go through what? Maybe she has more in common with Garrett than we’re giving her credit for…
Are you ready for an endless barrage of sap? If not, now is a good time to exit and fill that rosé to the rim. Becca brings up Arie again– (Jesus, the dude isn’t worth it. Let it go.) – and reiterates that she was blindsided. Garrett momentarily expresses doubt and she all but shouts, “Why?!” when he admits to cold feet. He quickly corrects himself, saying he didn’t see himself getting engaged again, but now he does. He finally tells her he loves her and hopes that she is the last woman he’ll have to say that to. (Uh, how romantic?) That’s enough for Becca. Needless to say, he receives a Fantasy Suite key. Though they hardly need a key because production has decided to put them in a tent. (Becca was also in a tent during her Fantasy Suite date with Arie. Let’s be sure to never, ever let Luyendyk go!) Garrett asks, “Is this glamping?” Becca confirms that it is. I am SMH over here.
The next morning brings a close-up of them cuddling in bed that nearly makes my eyes bleed. (What in God’s name have I done to deserve this? Isn’t my hijacked metabolism punishment enough for whatever karmic blood money I might owe the Universe?) They both agree that they’re on the same page, floating on the high of their mutual attraction. Garrett says, “If this is the way Becca can make me feel, I have a great life ahead of me.” She all but skips away, coyly looking over her shoulder as she goes back to her room to shower. I also need a shower, of the Silkwood variety.
Becca is reflecting on her evenings of bliss. She loves both Blake and Garrett, but is praying a moment of clarity will arrive to help her select her future husband. (OMG – the choice is clear. What is wrong with you, woman?)
Becca is hoping for hash browns for breakfast, but gets a hash of another kind when she receives a surprise visit from Jason at her hotel room. Though they broke up the other night, the producers are forcing him to request “more clarity” about her decision, so they settle on the couch for another round of, “You’re really nice, but…” This was already handled beautifully the first time around with a heartbroken Jason graciously accepting the news. He claims he arrived wishing for nothing more than for Becca to be happy, and that’s still his desire. There’s nothing more to talk about. But we’ve got time to kill and sponsors to please, so I guess we’re gonna draw this out.
It’s also here where Jason’s been selected for the humiliating task of handing over a “scrapbook of their time together.” There’s one every season, and that person usually ends up looking like a desperado who can’t let go. But we’ve all peered behind the curtain at this point and realize it’s actually the gift of some hardworking Bachelor franchise interns, so we won’t pin this silliness on Jason. Becca graciously accepts the gift, before dropping it on the coffee table, claiming she’ll “look at it later.” They discuss all the feels for a few more minutes before Jason is shown the door… again. He’s an exceedingly good sport about it all, and I once again start my countdown for Bachelor in Paradise (the season premiere is Tuesday, August 7th)!
Becca flips through the book of memories as tears stream down her face. There’s Meryl Streep and there’s Becca Kufrin – stars of the modern screen.
Do you know what time it is? Time for the final rose ceremony, motherfuckers! Really, there is no need to swear, but I was just overcome by the unrelenting need to type motherfucker because this is my Tiny Soapbox™. Ooooh, speaking of soapbox topics, did you know that as soon as this Friday, August 1st, the government plans to allow downloadable guns to exist?! That means ANYONE can get an untraceable gun with NO background check. Here’s more from Everytown:
[Do-it-yourself, downloadable guns are incredibly dangerous. And a State Department special exemption would allow a company run by a self-proclaimed anarchist to post its gun blueprints online in the form of files that can be sent directly to a 3D printer to print guns on demand. If the State Department provides this special exemption it would enable terrorists, convicted felons, and domestic abusers to download schematics online and print their own illegal and untraceable guns. Email Secretary of State Michael Pompeo NOW to urge him to STOP this special exemption.]
Yes, now I remember why I wanted to type “motherfucker.” Holy shit, you guys. Please, please, please consider signing this petition and sharing it far and wide with your friends and family, asap. We do not have much time to try and stop this.
Now on to the loooooove! Becca has a BIG decision to make – but not so much this week because there are two roses and two men, and you don’t have to be a whiz to do the math on this one. And with that, Chris Harrison is in the house! Well, he’s out in the heat in a three-piece suit to greet the contestants without a drop of sweat on him, and I am applauding that. He greets Blake, who is a bundle of nerves; then Garrett, who’s as dumb as ever. Then an affectionate hug for Becca, though he can’t quite control his face when she says, “I have two great guys left!” One guy is great; the other is decidedly not. Becca reveals (again) that she’s in love with both men, but hasn’t said it officially to either person. She wants to save those three little words for one man.
She enters the Thunderdome garden to greet the final two with a brief speech before handing the first rose to Garrett. (The wraparound from the First Impression rose to the Final Rose. Lady, you had 27 other men to choose from and why you are stuck on this doofus from Reno will forever be a mystery to me.) There is an awkward pause before they go in for a 3-way hug. Garrett gives an unwelcome speech, and my eyes need a rest because they’re about to roll out of their sockets.
Becca reveals they’re off to the Maldives, where both Blake and Garrett will be meeting her family. But we’ll have to wait a bit for that because next week’s episode is the infamous Men Tell All! Why did Chris turn into a possessively violent asshole? Is Jason still in love with Becca? (Yes. Duh.) Are Leo’s curls still luscious? Does Grocery Store Joe actually speak? And then there’s Jordan. What will he say next?! Furthermore, will Wilhelmina Models’ Miami branch ever answer my email? All this and more coming soon! Until then, my sweets.
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 9 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Becca hits the sheets in the Fantasy Suites!
Take a Drink: every time Becca and Blake almost forget they’re on a sacred hike and go to touch each other. Hot!
Take a Drink: every time Becca moans about what to do about Jason. (Only for experienced boozers, because this takes up about 20 minutes of the show!)
Take a Drink: every time you think, “Why does she want Garrett?”
Do a Shot: please watch to the very, very end for the takeout scenes of Blake having to pee. It sounds odd, but it’s worth it.