Did you know Virginia is for lovers? Because apparently it is, and the show is prepared to remind you of this “fact” no less than 50 times during the 2 hour broadcast. They can’t be bothered to do proper background checks on Becca Kufrin’s suitors, but they can make time to drive home a pointless slogan – woot! Will Chris continue his rage of entitlement? Will Garrett look confused as the producers try to give him the hero edit? Will Leo emerge with one of the best personalities in this whole damn mess? Come with me to the vast expanse of historical Richmond, VA. to find out!
The show opens with a map of the United States as it zeroes in on Richmond, Virginia. That’s right – they needed a visual to show viewers where Virginia is located. This episode is one-minute in and I’m already depressed.
But I shan’t let it linger, for Becca is shouting to the sky, “Virginia is for lovers” and I am once again rejuvenated. (In my brief research, I’ve learned that the line is one of the most successful tourism campaigns of all time; and now it’s making more sense that this is borne of a marketing challenge created in 1969. Because 69. Amiright? Also of note: Virginia is where Lauren Burnham is from. You know – the woman that Arie left Becca for? Yes, that one. Becca will not be allowed to forget about her ex for one moment. No siree.)
Chris Harrison shows up and actually takes time to sit down, so you know he’s here for the Big Chat. It is stilted AF. He says, “I like the smile on your face,” and all I can think is, “Back off, creepy uncle.” Becca tries gamely to participate in this conversation, saying, “I see babies and think, ‘They are so cute.’” Chris replies, “Wow, you’re going deep.” Stop being gross, Chris! Then Harrison calls Becca out for having not one but two bridal magazines on the plane. How dare the woman look at dresses when participating on a show that requires her to get engaged at the end of it?! The nerve. (ABC blatantly hates women. I feel like Kayne in New Orleans right now.)
We get a few brief solo interviews with the men. Garrett is a dolt who can barely string a sentence together. Jason is hopeful and dying for a 1:1. Leo is filler. Chris appears to be in a steroid-induced rage. The date card is delivered and it reads, “Life is full of surprises!” Jason’s wish is granted – he receives coveted alone time with Becca!
Jason tries to celebrate his impending date with his housemates, but is not allowed to do so because the air in the room is usurped by a self-centered brat. That would be… Chris, who somehow survived eliminations last week. Chris wastes no time in turning the conversation into a diatribe about himself because he cannot stop talking about his supposed “redemption.” The men are visibly uncomfortable; except for Lincoln, who is happy to jump into the fray. Chris and Lincoln quickly fill in where Jordan the male model and David the chicken left off – i.e. the house rivalry between two petty men who have nothing better to do. Fun! (Speaking of Jordan and male models – because when are we not – I am still on the case. Just because Jordan has left the show does not mean my quest for information has come to an end.)
It’s time for the 1:1 and Becca promises lots of surprises! But first she is forced to recite historical facts about St. John’s Church. This is where Patrick Henry gave his rousing “Give me liberty, or give me death” speech. Edgar Allen Poe’s mother is also buried on the grounds. Them’s some old bones. Speaking of liberty – did anyone get a chance to march over the weekend to support the Families Belong Together act? I sure as hell did! We must never let up in using our voices against this cruel, authoritarian current presidency. Hello, and welcome to my tiny soapbox!
Becca and Jason’s journey continues in a most random fashion, from the church, to the Sugar Shack to make donuts, to the Poe Museum, to a most horrific event called “Unhappy Hour” with a group of awkward goths. It is the silliest goddamn thing I have ever seen, and I highly recommend that you Hulu it to get the full scope of this ridiculousness.
But, wait – there’s more! Becca also surprises Jason with a group of his close friends, who are waiting for them at a local bar. Jason claimed earlier in the season that he and his besties greet each other with elaborate handshakes, but all that’s on display here are tears and hugs. It’s probably for the best. Jason waxes rhapsodically about Becca – both in takeaway interviews and to his friends – claiming she’s everything he wants. One of Jason’s pals tells Becca that Jason is “as good as advertised.” But is he as good as a nearly 50-year old tourism campaign? VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS! #neverforget
The evening portion of the date moves them to another fancy hotel where the food is once again superfluous. It is here that Jason reveals his paternal grandmother was felled by Alzheimer’s and how crushing it was to watch his father grapple with pain on the day his own mother didn’t recognize him. Jason reveals a compassionate side that is compelling, and Becca says she “sees the kindness in him.” Becca also recaps the tragedy of losing her father at 19, and the duo shares a genuine moment. It is lovely to witness. Now if only we could convince Jason to stop slicking his hair back like he’s an 80’s Wall Street trader. Then we’d really be winning!
They end the date by making out on top of a clock tower, with a view of Richmond at their feet. For whom the bell tolls? It tolls for lovers, motherfucker. Jason gets the date rose. Suh-weet!
Meanwhile, Chris continues to whine to anyone within earshot about his need for “redemption.” Here’s a thought – maybe you could redeem yourself by shutting the fuck up and acting like a decent human instead of bullying everyone in sight. Just saying.
A date card arrives, this time for a group activity. It reads, “Let’s make history.” Going on this due process are: Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln, and Chris. That means Leo gets the next 1:1!
Were you thinking Chris was going to take this gracefully? No? You’d be correct – because he does not. He instead offers some random platitudes, including, “It’s my time to shine. I have tricks up my sleeve. I have to come out with guns blazing; my back is up against the wall.” I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince himself, or if he’s just reciting from The Art of War. Dude is seriously ramped up, and I am sure that he’s missed a dose – or several – of a prescribed mood stabilizer. Yikes.
The group date is a challenge to campaign for Becca’s affections. Who will be her running mate? How many electoral puns will we hear? Several! Let’s get it going…
The Beccalection begins with Governor Ralph Northam lobbing a question to Colton, “What is your idea of a perfect date in the Commonwealth of Virginia?” Colton reiterates that – wait for it – VIRGINIA IS FOR LOVERS before going on to say that he would take Becca to a dog park. Hey, hey big spender! Colton will not be contributing to Richmond’s economy, but their pets will surely have a lovely time.
Chris Harrison asks Blake, “What have you learned from past relationships?” Blake claims he’s now able to open up and be vulnerable to great love. Point: Blake. Meanwhile, Connor has great hair and Garrett admits that “ladies are always right.” Wills says he never thought he’d feel this way.
The debate is going smoothly, until Lincoln takes the stand. Big surprise. He calls out Chris, with a pointed, “It’s never occurred to me to pack my bags.” That’s all the opening Chris needs to go off. Chris starts verbally attacking Lincoln, claiming that he body-shamed him, before saying a bleeped-out swear word that sends shockwaves over the audience. I’d give anything to know what that word was – the reactions and looks of disgust were priceless.
The “debate” quickly comes to a close. Becca is rightfully pissed. She’s sick of the immaturity and lack of control Chris and Lincoln have over themselves when it comes to expressing their emotions. The men nervously prepare for the evening portion of the group “date,” aware that Becca will once again be in a bad mood due to someone else’s poor behavior…
The bickering between Chris and Lincoln, combined with Chris’s ever darkening outlook, has begun to affect everyone. Chris is still – still– complaining and acting like a victim. He seems totally psycho at this point, and it is in no small way alarming.
Lincoln pulls Becca aside first, while Colton chastises Chris, saying, “You took our group drama public.” Chris is not contrite. Meanwhile, Lincoln claims that he’s scared of Chris, and at this point I don’t blame him. He seems like someone who’s about to snap.
Now it’s time for Chris and Becca to chat. Becca tells Chris, “The guys are worried you might get physical,” to Chris’s utter denial. He argues with her, but Becca holds firm, saying the guys feel threatened and she’s hearing a lot of bad stuff. Garrett tries to interrupt, asking for time with Becca, but she’s too distracted to hang out and instead asks for a moment alone. It’s a good plan. An even better plan would be to leave the show with Wills and/or Blake in tow.
Garrett is frustrated, telling Chris that he fucked up and now Becca is in “a bad head state.” It’s “head space,” but it’s Garrett, so that’s as much explaining as we’re going to get. Everyone is upset, knowing that the evening is essentially ruined. Colton tells Lincoln and Chris that they should “just get on a plane.” Wills says, “I’d better get to talk to her.”
The guys finally get a few minutes with our intrepid Bachelorette. Garrett reads a poem. Colton claims they have a connection. Wills tells her he’s falling in love with her. The group rose goes to Colton, for no other reason than he’s cute.
Let’s clear our “head state” from the stagnant energy of the group hang for a fabulous 1:1 with Leo! Leo’s date card reads, “The world is our oyster,” and he’s stoked to have the opportunity to make up for lost time.
Once again Becca arrives off her game, still affected by frustrations of the night before. Leo is a gentleman, saying, “We don’t have to do anything.” But Becca rallies and they hop aboard a small plane for an aerial view of Richmond. Are they searching for Lauren B. so Becca can drop water balloons on her? Because that would be awesome!
Nope. It’s not water balloons. But they do land and go oyster shucking. Not a euphemism; they really do enter the freezing cold water to search for bivalve mollusks. They are successful, though I do not see them actually eat any. Maybe they are planning on dropping this fresh batch off for Lauren’s family? We know they love slimy things!
The evening portion of the date is where we finally get to know a little bit more about Leo. He reveals that he always looked up to his “larger than life” father, but feels like he ultimately failed him; something that haunts Leo on the daily. It turns out Leo’s father spent a significant amount of time playing baseball with his son, yet, despite the long hours of help, Leo didn’t become a major league player. And for that he believes his father doesn’t like him and that he’s “not good enough” for people. Just typing all of this has my stomach in knots – it’s painful to think someone could extrapolate such a narrative to live by. Becca tells him on no uncertain terms that he’s a lovely person, and that he should be proud of himself. Oh, and that he’s more than good enough! It is nice to get to know another side of the quiet stuntman. It turns out his personality is more layered than his locks.
Leo assumes the night is wrapping up after the emotional convo, and the look of delight on his face is adorable when he learns there’s more. Yes – more in the form of the millionth nameless country artist/concert/swaying in front of strangers. This bish is played out, but here we are. At least we get more Leo. (Oh, and this country artist is the arm candy for a legit performer. Yep, tonight’s star is Morgan Evans, who’s married to up-&-comer Kelsea Ballerini. That’s of note if you follow Nashville gossip.) Needless to say, Leo receives a date rose.
Leo returns home, floating on air. He can barely get the words of, “I have so much to process,” out before Chris bolts from the room. Can it ever be about anything other than Chris? No? Okay then.
Chris starts complaining about Lincoln, claiming Lincoln eats 12 eggs a day and has a cholesterol count of “6,000.” Why is he counting how many eggs another man is eating? That is the real question… (Honestly, the fact that Lincoln has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, thinks the Earth is flat, and likes to poop on the floor at work, makes his 12-eggs-a-day consumption the least shocking thing about him.)
Chris cannot be contained. He needs to see Becca now. We are treated to footage of Chris stomping through the neighborhood before arriving, unbidden, at Becca’s hotel door, where he alarmingly says, “I am feeling ready to fight.” Great.
Becca is in shock, but graciously invites him in. Guess what he does with his time? He complains! Glad you were sitting down for that one. Becca tries to reply, but is constantly interrupted by Chris, who tries to tell her what to think. A controlling, angry guy who likes to mansplain a woman’s thoughts to her? Sign me up! Not. Becca’s not having it either and finally ends Chris’s time the moment she’s able to get a word in edgewise, saying, “I was hoping things would turn around. But there are too many red flags and I don’t think we can ever get there.” I feel like doing a victory dance! She offers to walk Chris out, but he continues to act like a huge baby and refuses her kind offer. He is creepy, argumentative, and rude. No one is sad to see him go.
And with this, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony! Mr. Harrison arrives with the not-surprising news that Becca knows what she wants to do, therefore there will be no cocktail party. A reminder that Jason, Colton, and Leo have flowers, and that that shitbag Chris has left the building. Continuing are: Garrett, Blake, and Wills. Which means Lincoln and Connor are saying adios. Connor looks hot in his glasses and has a nice exit interview. Lincoln gets nothing, and deserves nothing. Good riddance.
The remaining group is heading to the Bahamas! Well, that is certainly a step up from shoving Becca’s face in Lauren’s hometown, but I’m sure the producers will find other ways to humiliate this lovely woman. Let’s tune in together next week to find out what they are. In the meantime: here’s hoping you all had a happy, fun, and safe 4th!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 6 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Chris looks like he’s about to explode.
Take a Drink: every time Garrett looks confused.
Take a Drink: every time Lincoln and Chris squabble.
Take a drink: every time Colton tries to intervene.
Do a Shot: for Jason and Leo – the season’s emerging dark horses!