The infamous two on one has arrived! Will we be saying goodbye to Captain Underpants for good? Is the chicken cooked? Also, is Colton looking more and more like Chris Pratt as this show goes along, or do I just have Jurassic World on the brain? Hey, by the way – were you aware that Colton dated an Olympic gymnast? Because he’d really, really like you to know that little tidbit. The guys are in Sin City this week, in a continued effort to secure Becca Kufrin’s affections. Needless to say, what happens in Vegas definitely does not stay there for this crew. It’s broadcast for you and me to see, so pour that mimosa; it’s time for the recap of episode five!
Were you looking for a show that can give you endless puns about gambling on love? Well, you’re in luck (luck – haha) – The Bachelorette may be absolute shit at screening their contestants, but they’ll give everything they have for a pun!
The men arrive at the luxurious Aria (hmm… just one letter off from Arie. Coincidence or conspiracy?), and man – that suite looks sweet! (If ABC refuses to up their game, then so do I.) Colton is crowing about the impending two on one, knowing that he’s more than safe. How safe is he? Well, the first date card arrives, bearing his name. Yep, he’s about to “ride off into the sunset” with Becca. He helpfully explains, “The focus of today’s date is time for me and Becca.” Yes, Colton – that is indeed what a one on one date is for. Golf clap.
They meet out by the Virgin River (a nice foreshadowing for Colton’s future claim that he’s a virgin) to “get over the hump of their exes” by riding camels in the desert. Good lord, producers. The old saying is, “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.” Not, “Put an alleged virgin on a camel and see what happens.” Though I must admit the footage was worth it to see Colton and Becca try to hold hands while on their respective humps. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work. After their dusty ride, they are treated to the first hot tub of the season, conveniently located in a field. It would not be The Bachelor franchise without a soak, so thank god they’ve trotted out this tired trope.
The evening portion of the date takes place at Sage restaurant (located in the Aria that is not at all supposed to evoke memories of a certain racecar driver turned real estate agent). Becca flat out says she’s hot for Colton and has been dying to get him alone. Mission accomplished! Colton doesn’t miss a beat, claiming he’s only been in love once and that he takes the word very seriously. You can see Becca swooning. I can see Colton’s dog-eared copy of The Player’s Handbook hiding under the table. Colton’s speech couldn’t be more of a note for note panty-dropper. He loves that they’re on the same page; he didn’t have that last time around. Not after he said, “I love you,” to his ex-girlfriend first, only to have her dump him. (It is here that you can see him straining not to shout Aly Raisman’s name from the rooftop.) Colton may be a broken man (yeah, right), as he now associates love with confusion and pain, but he believes he can fall again. Will the “lucky” gal be Becca? They kiss. He gets the date rose.
Meanwhile, back at the casino, David and Jordan continue to spar. David is obviously being prodded by production, as he’s laying it on extra thick. It’s working – Jordan has his usual comebacks, but you can see he’s struggling to fire off the one-liners.
But wait – it’s time for a group date card! This time it reads, “I’m looking for my Mr. Las Vegas,” and the gentlemen vying for the honor are: Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. That means David and Jordan are confirmed for the two on one, as we already knew.
Garrett muses about the possibilities of what “Mr. Las Vegas” could mean while doing a soul crushing white man’s overbite. He’d be unappealing, even without knowing what we know about him. They’re trying to give him a good edit, but I’m telling ya – it ain’t possible.
The men depart the Arie Aria in a limo and arrive at a mansion owned by… Wayne Newton! (One of Wayne’s nicknames is “Mr. Las Vegas,” in case you were wondering how directly this is tied in. Speaking of Newton, I had front row seats to one of his shows years ago with an exuberant group of gals. He loved our energy so much that he stopped the concert and bought a bottle of champagne for our table. Needless to say, I have a soft spot for him!) Wayne sings a few bars of his hit, “Danke Schoen” which seems to baffle the guys. (Has no one seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?!)
In case you couldn’t guess, it’s another songwriting competition, with Mr. Newton on hand to help finesse the lyrics. This gets Chris excited, who is still going on about his Capitol Records Richard Marx adventure, assuming he has this one in the bag. A rack of tuxes is rolled in. Everyone can go ahead and change, except for Wills, who needs to stay clad in that astounding floral romper. Seriously, can Wills get any cuter?
Wayne announces the songs they just penned are going to be crooned live later that night. Hope you’ve got plenty of wine on hand – it’s pretty much the only way to enjoy the warbling that’s about to come your way. (These guys make a strong case for auto-tune.) Venmo John is up first, and he biffs it hard. The poor guy will just have to stick to his day job of being a successful multimillionaire. Dang it! He’s not alone; most of the guys’ performances were pretty painful; until Chris, who intends to dominate the competition. (It is apparently his birthright, now that he’s hung out with Richard Marx.) He commands the room and is convinced that another rose is surely his. Gee, what will happen if he doesn’t get what he wants? Will he have a big baby meltdown? Let’s find out!
The evening portion of the group date finds them at the prominently displayed T Mobile Arena before heading to a gorgeous outdoor patio. Becca says, “I’m feeling relationships and friendships.” Hmm, who is going into what zone? Garrett pulls Becca aside first and, from their unfortunate chemistry, it’s clear that Garrett Gate is staying firmly in the romance lane. Wills is up next. They are adorable together. Blake, also a favorite, confesses his love to Becca, and she beams. Jean Blanc’s gaffe from last week is nearly forgotten.
Could this group date actually be going smoothly? Hells no, y’all! There’s a storm a brewin’ thanks to Chris, who continues to get moodier as the evening progresses. He claims he’s not receiving enough attention from Becca. She should seek him out, after all. (Um, I think that’s his job?) He perceives her absence as an intentional slight and falls further down the rabbit hole of insecurity. When he finally gets time with her, he explodes, claiming that she “owes him” 50,000 kisses. Becca looks taken aback, as she should. They are now navigating a sea of red flags, and it is alarming.
Becca has just settled in with Wills when Chris returns. He just needs Becca for “two minutes” to restate his case. Becca implores him to leave but – no surprise – he’s not listening to her, forcing Wills into a standoff for her time. Wills graciously allows him his request, and Chris wastes not a moment launching into why Becca needs to be with him, stating, “You have no idea how much I like you.” His fervent declaration comes off as more stalkerish than charming, and you can see Becca shrinking in his presence. It’s as awful as it sounds.
Wills counts the seconds and arrives promptly as the two minutes are concluding. Chris asks for “just five more minutes.” Wills calmly says no. Chris pleads again. The answer is still no. Chris then goes from pleading to bullying, but Wills continues to hold his ground. It’s called boundaries, Chris. You may want to look into it. Chris finally relents when Becca promises she’ll find him later. They chat again, but it goes nowhere. Blake receives the date rose. Chris continues his wailing that he’s been betrayed. Twitter continues to roll its collective eyes. When is this crybaby heading home? It can’t come soon enough.
But first we’ve got two other children to attend to in the form of David and Jordan. They receive the ominous date card, “Meet me in the Valley of Fire.” Yikes!
It’s the producer’s favorite thing to put the two on one in a remote location so that the “loser” can look as if they’ve been stranded, and this shall be no different. Becca pulls a Jeep up to freestanding barely-shaded structure in the middle of the desert, claiming that she has “lots of fun things planned today,” which is clearly bullshit. They are only here to hash it out in the heat, so that this sad rivalry can come to a head.
Given the dynamics of these two, it doesn’t take long for the chicken and Captain Underpants to go at it. David pulls Becca aside to throw Jordan under the bus, claiming Jordan looks at other women and would consider being with Becca as “settling.” Forget all the fun Becca had planned – she must get to the bottom of this immediately! (As if she gives a shit about either one of these guys.)
Jordan and Becca chat about this alleged slight. Jordan is appropriately appalled – he would never say he was settling for someone, and in fact believes that’s one of the cruelest things someone could say to a woman. This is the only time Jordan has had any redeeming qualities this entire season. Save it for the eleventh hour, Bromeo!
Becca is annoyed at the pettiness. When directly confronted, David’s argument falls apart. It’s clear he’s just trying to get Jordan in trouble. In an effort to avoid heatstroke, Becca cuts it short, saying, “David, this is where we part ways.” Captain Underpants triumphs – for now. Jordan and Becca drive off, leaving David alone to surely become a tasty meal for the vultures circling above. It’s wings for one, as we say “buh-bye” to the chicken. Until The Men Tell All, David!
There’s still the date rose, dangling its tantalizing petals just out of Jordan’s reach. Becca’s not sure she’s ready to hand it out yet. Should they carry this farce into the evening? The answer is, “Of course!” How will the night go? Well, Becca says, “Jordan makes me laugh. Nothing more.” So my guess is… not well.
Jordan asks the searing question, “What’s a weekend for you?” Becca replies, “Brunch. Champagne. Church. Reading.” She can barely relay her list before Jordan interrupts. He is so desperate to let us know about his pastimes, which include focusing on modeling, modeling, and more modeling. Color me surprised! He then proceeds to speak endlessly about his career, even going so far as to lament, “I wish we could get my portfolio out!” Oh, Jordan. Becca, again with the active troll, asks if there’s truth to the Zoolander movie. Jordan confirms that there is. The look on Becca’s face is priceless when she hears this. It’s making this painful façade worth it. Almost.
Speaking of male modeling – because when are we not – I have received a reply from the Wilhelmina Modeling Agency! Here it is: “Hi Jenna – We do not represent Jordan in L.A. I believe he’s with the Miami office. – Christian.”
Okay, so it’s not the information we’ve been seeking. But it’s a response, and I’m taking that as a win! I will continue the hunt in Florida, so stay tuned…
Meanwhile, Jordan continues to wax rhapsodically about facials, hair care, and his diligent personal hygiene regime. Becca’s eyes glaze over before she realizes there’s an out. She picks up the rose and twirls it in her fingers. Jordan sits forward expectantly. He tries to kiss her. She pushes him away and says, “I’m sorry. I just don’t see it. Can I walk you out?” And with that, Captain Underpants’ reign has come to a not-so-dramatic end.
Becca attends a firework display by herself. The men see the lights and wonder if Becca and Jordan are celebrating. An intern arrives. She pauses, with her hand hovering above a suitcase handle, before rolling Jordan’s bag away. The men erupt into a revelry of their own. It is high-fives and cheers all around! You know you’ve overstayed your welcome when an impromptu party breaks out in your not-honor.
It is here that I must address the fireworks. Is it really the best idea to shoot explosives off the top of a building in Vegas after the horrific events that unfolded at the Route 91 Harvest Music Festival? The answer for me is a firm no. I was in town that evening and seeing the footage last night made me pee myself a little – a fun involuntary post-traumatic stress induced response to what my husband and I went through that night. What was the display like for the people living and working there, or for survivors potentially watching the broadcast? Obviously this is a franchise short on foresight, but damn – did anyone think that through?
Since we’ve already covered bigotry, sexual assault, and the dangers of gold lamé short shorts in previous posts, I’ll take a moment to get on my soapbox about gun control. I want to tell you that I really, sincerely thought I was going to die that night. My husband and I were hiding in a bathroom stall and I was sure the last thing I was going to see was his head blown off before my own life went dark. Since I’m lucky enough to be sitting here recapping this show (by choice – woot!) you know that that’s not what happened to us. We were incredibly lucky, and we remain incredibly grateful. As you also know, others tragically were not and that has left me with a deep grief I didn’t even know was possible. I still weep for those people every day. I’m sharing this not to scare you or guilt you, but rather encourage you. This doesn’t have to happen to you. Please consider taking the time to advocate for gun control. We don’t have to live this way.
Oh, god lord – Chris is a GIANT baby. The aforementioned cocktail party is taking place, with Chris whining while the other men roll their eyes. Wills continues his cool streak with a stunning suit. Wills needs to be the next Bachelor. Period.
And it is time for the Rose Ceremony! A reminder that Colton and Blake have flowers, and David and Jordan are obviously gone. The men who will also be continuing on this journey are: Garrett (yuck), Jason, Wills, Lincoln (big yuck), Leo, Connor, and… Chris. What in the what? I know this show loves a good bait and switch, but I can’t fathom why in the hell Chris gets to stick around. That means we’re saying goodbye to Venmo John, which is even more baffling! Becca’s taste is… odd. (Other than Wills. Wills and Blake are the best guys left on this mess.)
Becca reveals they’re off to… Richmond, Virginia. Ooookay. They all try to convince themselves this is a treat, with the toast, “Virginia is for lovers!” Sure. Keep telling yourself that. Will Chris still be moping? Will Becca just cut the bullshit and elope with Wills? Is Virginia really for lovers? Let’s find out together! Until next time, my patient friends.
*You can also follow Jenna Zine for live tweets during the broadcast. We hope you enjoy – we welcome your comments and shares!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 5 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Becca tries to pretend she’s into anyone other than Garrett.
Take a Drink: every time David needles Jordan with insults. And vice versa!
Take a Drink: every time Chris acts like an entitled brat. No one owes you anything, dude.
Take a Drink: every time there’s a “gamble with love” pun.
Do a Shot: for Wayne Newton. The man knows his champagne!