It’s time for testosterone overload as the guys take over the stage with concerns about themselves, golden underpants, and grudges that can’t be shaken loose. Yep, it’s the not-so scintillating Men Tell All episode, where Chris Harrison earns his keep and Bachelorette Becca is barely there. Get ready for a bunch of baloney – it’s time for the recap of Episode 10!
Can I just submit one gigantic eye-roll GIF and be done? Because that’s really all it takes to sum up this extremely boring, dude-pandering episode. I’d love that – but I won’t do you dirty. Here’s the scoop on what the men you’ve barely had time to miss have been thinking…
Chris Harrison is onstage for the entire episode and he must be exhausted! I hope an overworked/underpaid assistant is nearby to hand CH an organic lozenge to massage his barely used vocal chords. Mr. Harrison lets us know that a dramatic season is about to come to end, but first we need to hear what the men think about it because that’s what we need more of in America.
But first we need to relive the most “heated moments,” including:
- A rehash of Jean Blanc confessing his love for Becca… and then rescinding the sentiment!
- Colton confronting Jordan about the veracity of his Tinder likes.
- Jordan confronting Colton about his relationship with Tia (one of the only times I can say that I agree wholeheartedly with Jordan).
- David and Jordan’s epic, endless petty-ass battles for reasons we are still not clear on.
- Chris being a total rage-aholic douchebag.
Chris Harrison ask Chris WhateverHisLastNameIs, “What happened with the emotions in the house?” Chris WHLNI throws back his head and laughs. All the men on stage laugh. Our hardworking host laughs. I would like to note that THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER. He bullied Becca. He threatened other men in the house. His housemates felt unsafe around him. Becca was scared of him. Thankfully (albeit surprisingly) Colton briefly speaks up against Chris, asking, “How did you lose control though?” Wills also interjects with, “You can’t act like that just because one night doesn’t go your way. You’ve got to impress the lady you want to be with.” Even Jordan pipes up, exclaiming, “You can’t be Mr. Right Reasons, then treat the Bachelorette wrong.” I still feel Chris got off way too easy for his nasty attitude and this gal is not at all happy about it!
The colognoisseur known as Jean Blanc is in “the hot seat” for some light roasting by our intrepid host. Why did he tell Becca he loved her and then take it back? We’d all like to know! Jean Blanc claims that he was “moving 100 miles an hour” and that he was “truly falling for Becca.” None of us are buying it, but it’s Jason who speaks up, saying that JB abused the emotion when he was in need and that he owes the house and, most importantly, Becca an apology. True that!
Now it’s time for the tussle between the virginal former pro-football player and the male model who could give Narcissus serious run for his money. Jordan brings up Tia again. Colton calls Jordan a hypocrite, but that makes no sense. Jordan didn’t come to this game already (finger)banging one of the Bachelorette’s friends. Colton’s biggest beef appears to actually be with Jordan’s underwear. The gold pair, to be exact. According to Colton, the act of wearing the lamé booty shorts THAT BECCA GAVE JORDAN is egregious because it was “disrespectful.” I think someone (Colton – cough cough) is trying to distract from his own wrongdoings. Colton goes on, and on, and on about the underwear. Jordan gets agitated and starts spouting (even more) nonsense. Chris Harrison lets Jordan run amok. It’s official – the animals are running the zoo.
Jordan is briefly in “the hot seat” – aka a sectional from IKEA. It’s revealed he actually wishes he’d been less of a ham and had “opened the envelope” on his personality to get deeper. The regret lasts for a beat before he’s back to his old self as he gets up, unzips his pants, and reveals that he is indeed wearing the golden underwear. There’s the male model I know and (don’t) love!
Remember the maelstrom that erupted on Twitter when Becca released Grocery Store Joe back into the dating wild on Night One all those months ago? So does Chris Harrison because social media works, y’all! Joe is invited to the stage and he’s looking fiiiiiiiiine. He and Chris have a brief chat – brief because Joe is all but mute, giving one-sentence answers to Harrison’s probing questions. While Chris doesn’t work much, one thing he does excel at is probing Q&A’s. But he ain’t getting shit from Joe. Maybe we should strike the Grocery Store moniker and rename him Clam. Here’s hoping Gorgeous Joe doesn’t disappoint in Paradise later this summer!
My bae Wills is up next and he’s in an outfit to end all outfits – a colorful striped suit with red boots. Color me dead – Wills crushes it every time. He reveals that he still has feelings for Becca, and is still upset by the abrupt halt of their relationship. He was very excited to meet her family. When asked about his exit, he says, “I had to have the car pull over. I was too confined. I need to let it all out. Then I needed to go home, get picked up again, and hang out with people who love and care about me.” I adore this man.
Chris also asks when Wills knew he was in love with Becca, and he reveals it was in Vegas when they found out their parents sang them the same nursery song when they were babies. Stop it right now– my heart can’t take all the cuteness! Why Becca let him go is beyond me. But, God willing, that potentially frees him up to be our next Bachelor. Who do I need to speak with to ensure this happens? Help me out here, Twitter!
Now it’s Colton’s well-deserved time in “the hot seat.” He claims he was totally focused on being in love with Becca and was not thinking about Tia at all. Hahahahahahahaha is what I have to say to that. This dude may be a self-proclaimed virgin, but he’s a master of bullshit for sure. He also claims that Tia knew he was going on the show, and that she encouraged it. (This I believe, mainly because that trick Tia assumed she was going to be the next Bachelorette and was trying to frontload her selection of suitors.) Colton also says he can’t help that Tia “came back and spoke her truth.” If Tia’s truth is being a totally selfish snake, then yes – she definitely spoke her truth. Her next truth is surely to deflower Colton in Paradise, so stay tuned for that.
They then discuss Colton’s virginity, and Becca’s sensitivity to his choice in revealing the information. This has honestly been rehashed more times than potatoes on a grill during Sunday brunch, so I’m leaving this conversation.
Jason is onstage with Chris and our slicked back shorty is campaigning hard to fill Arie’s shoes as the next Bachelor. He’s in tears after they show a brief recap of his time with Becca, claiming she was “it” for him and that he’ll always have a special place in his heart for her. Chris asks when he knew things were amiss. Jason says that he was definitely in shock, for as far as he was concerned their Fantasy Suite date was on track and he didn’t know anything was wrong until they sat down for dinner. (Really? Not even when she made you eat bugs and then left you alone in the market while she went to hyperventilate to a production assistant?) He says he lost what he was looking for that night, but reiterates he only wants happiness for her.
They discuss his brother’s marriage to another man and Jason gives an eloquent speech about how everyone deserves love, while rallying for gays and transgendered people. It is beautiful and exactly the infusion of compassion, hope, and humanity that has been missing for the majority of this season. (Hell, missing for the majority of this franchise.) Hats off to Jason, and may the producers recognize that not just nasty gets ratings.
Chris then ribs Jason for being labeled “the Best Kisser” and asks what his secret is. Jason replies, “Remember when Becca forgot my name? Well, all I’ll say is after I kissed her, that wasn’t a problem.” Another round of applause for the man that is quickly stealing the heart of Bachelor Nation!
Becca has arrived! She is wearing a dress that’s really masquerading as lingerie. She looks gorgeous, per usual, but seems completely detached and barely there. She’s all like, “Oh, hey guys!” But you can tell she’s daydreaming about the Bone Zone with her final two, for better or worse. (The better being Blake. The worse being that nightmare human Garrett.)
Jason asks the first question of Kufrin, requesting to know what he “did wrong.” Becca assures him it was nothing on his end; she was just following her heart. He once again wishes her happiness and they hug.
Colton pipes up. They discuss Tia. Becca says Tia received backlash for what she did (well-deserved, IMO) but they’re still friends. (Girl, why?!!!) Becca claims once again that Tia’s appearance didn’t alter her decision – she was going to cut Colton loose, regardless. (Sure! Tell that to your googly eyes and hormones.)
Wills also exchanges words with his former paramour, telling Becca she “healed him in ways he never thought possible.” He also tells her he loves her, but she shrugs in return. Ice cold!
Jean Blanc is not content to stay in his seat. Nope, he’s got to get his scent right up on Becca. He tries to defend himself again, but it’s fruitless. That ship has long since sailed. But he does have the balls to gift Becca with a perfume, which she jokes must be made from “crushed rose petals and tears.”
That creep Chris also gets a chance to apologize, bringing out the choir he had with him on Night One to sing “I’m sorry.” It is gross and completely undermines the severity of the situation. I’m past deadline and don’t have time for a rage stroke, but trust me – I am very angry about this.
They wrap with a series of bloopers that mostly consists of people falling down, because ‘Merica.
Next week is the THREE HOUR finale. God help me – I don’t think I can take much more of Garrett. They will be in the Maldives. There will be dates. There will be the meeting of Becca’s family. There will definitely be tears. And there will be one man, getting down on one knee, for one woman. Tune in with me next week to find out who it is as we finally wrap this shizz up!
The Bachelorette (2018): Season 14, Episode 10 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time one of the guys talks over one of their former housemates.
Take a Drink: every time Jordan spouts yet another ridiculous one-liner.
Take a Drink: for all the people who weren’t there, including Lincoln (way to never address the situation, ABC!), Clay (the football player with the heart of gold), Mike (the sportscaster), Ryan (the banjo player), Jake (the jerk who never paid attention to Becca back home, but tried to land her heart on TV), and Alex (the tearful construction manager).
Do a Shot: for Venmo John, who takes down Jordan’s Tinder-swipe theory with good old-fashioned math!