I do not know if there is any feasible way for Singaporeans to gird themselves for the onslaught of Bachelor dramz that’s about to take place on their beautiful shores. There will be jumping off of insanely high heights. There will be feuds. There will be a surprising truce. There will be serious tears. And there will be Demi – still acting like a gaslighting asshole. We have a lot to cover, so warm up those scrolling fingers – your recap starts now!
We go from the California mansion to a luxury hotel in Singapore, with Hannah G. not knowing where in the hell they are. (You’re in the Malay Peninsula, dear.) But before we hop on that plane (editing makes it look like a quick jaunt, which is hilarious in and of itself), we’ve got Chris Harrison strolling in to call Hannah B. by the wrong name, referring to her as “Caelynn.” You know, her arch enemy and the person she complains about ad nauseum? What a totally planned gaffefunny coincidence, Chris! Mr. Harrison happily stirs the pot and then tells the women they have sixty minutes to pack before getting on a plane for a mere 20 hours! No biggie.
Have you seen the majesty that is Singapore? I have not, but I’ve had the summer rom-com blockbuster Crazy Rich Asians on a loop since its release, so I feel confident in chiming in that it is freaking gorgeous there! (Let’s also give a shout-out to author Kevin Kwan, whose record-breaking trilogy helped shine a light on this region, as well as opening the door for so many Asian actors with the making of this film. Is it a coincidence The Bachelor was inspired to bring their cast here after the success of this movie? I think not!) But don’t take it from me and Kevin, let Colton fill you in. He says, “It’s got the lights, the buildings, and it’s a really cool place.” Man – it’s like I’m there!
Let’s kick it off with a date card, shall we? It reads, “Let’s fall in love,” and it is for: Tayshia! Hannah B. glumly intones, “I know what happens on those one-on-ones. They’re gonna have a good time.” One can only hope, as that is the very intention!
Hannah shouldn’t be so quick to mope, for though Tayshia does get the date, it is a totally terrifying one. That’s right, it’s time for the old, “Let’s force these people who barely know each other to potentially plummet to their deaths to prove they may like each other,” challenge otherwise known as bungie jumping! (As Tayshia notes, “I will be sure to take those date cards more literally in the future.” I’d say that’s a good game plan).
I mean, I know the point of jumping is to do so off of something high – but damn, this platform is reeeeaaallly freaking high. Colton is a gentleman and agrees to go first. This does not give Tayshia much comfort, as Colton “screams like a girl” on the way down. Somehow Tayshia works up the nerve to follow suit, and I have never been more in awe of someone. There is no freaking way I could’ve done that. They deserve that swim in the ocean post swan dive.
Woot! It’s the evening portion of their one-on-one – the “it’s time to get serious and share something personal, damn it,” dinner. Tayshia obliges. It turns out she is a recent divorcée from a dissolution with her high school sweetheart. She thought she’d be married forever, but instead here she is, sitting across from a virginal ex-pro NFL player. Life – you never know where it’s gonna take you! Colton is unfazed – he loves her bravery, warmth, and smile. She secures the Date Rose, and deservedly so.
No rest for the wicked – it is time for another date card! This one says, “Let’s get a taste of Singapore,” and it is for: Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Hannah B., and Cassie. (For those of you keeping track, this means Caelynn’s getting the second one-on-one.) Demi pipes up to express her displeasure with Caelynn nabbing the one-on-one (it’s a given that Hannah B. is also miserable about the news), but Caelynn couldn’t care less. Maybe Demi has met her match with this Southern beauty queen?
And there is no time to waste – they’re off to Singapore’s Chinatown District for some serious eats, including bullfrog, pig’s feet, and fish eyeballs. That’s after they’ve had their blood sucked by leeches. No – not Demi and her nasally whine. Actual leeches that are supposed to remove toxins. If that were the case, there would be nothing left of Demi. Mic drop! (I cannot and will not post a photo of the leeches. All due respect to other cultures withstanding!)
After this deliciousness, they stop by a palm reader, where the woman tells Colton and Cassie they were brother and sister in a past life. This information makes the fact that they clearly want to bone each other waaaaaay more awkward than it needs to be, so I will just leave it here.
It’s evening now at yet another fancy rooftop bar and Hannah B. wastes no time in pulling Colton aside first. Hannah would like Colton to know that she’s a “woman of noble character,” and the fact that he doesn’t trust her is “scary” for her. Colton says he’s thought about the ongoing feud between her and Caelynn and decides it doesn’t bother him, as long as “it doesn’t affect us.” In other words – keep me out of it, and/or keep your mouth shut about it around me. A promising relationship, for sure!
In other news, Colton and Cassie discuss their past lives as siblings and then make-out. I will continue to let this dangle like a participle.
Speaking of awkward, Courtney is acting like a wallflower at a middle school dance, and Demi is loving it. She continually tells Courtney to step up and talk to Colton. When Courtney doesn’t heed Demi’s surprisingly sound advice, Demi takes it upon herself to snag more time with Colton twice over. (Demi takes a moment to tell Colton her mom just got released from federal prison. She even manages a crocodile tear.) This pisses Courtney off. But instead of trying to talk to Colton, she instead goes to whine to Demi. What about this strategy is supposed to work in Courtney’s favor? I am truly baffled. Waiting patiently for your time with the Bachelor never works. You gotta steal those moments. I am a middle-aged woman living in Oregon and even I know this, so Courtney gets no sympathy on this front.
In a case of instant karma, Demi gets the Date Rose. “My heart is full,” she crows as she literally shoves the flower in Courtney’s face. I mean… it is kind of funny. Girlfriend is acting like a baby and Demi is taunting her accordingly.
The glow of the group date wears off quickly for the woman, as Caelynn steps up for her time with the suitor of the season. Colton whisks Caelynn away for the Pretty Woman shopping treatment as the gals pretend to be happy for her. (Cassie even claims to be over the moon for Caelynn as she weeps in a solo interview. The juxtaposition is sublime.) Oh! Caelynn’s date card reads, “Get ready for a day you’ll never forget.” Indeed – I am sure it sits as a sparkling diary entry as we speak.
I was not aware of designer Lisa Von Tang prior to this episode, but ohmygodiloveher. She is sooo chic and I want her as my best friend. Caelynn looks stunning in Lisa’s clothes – no surprise – even pulling off some crazy pink feathered number that would make Big Bird jelly. Speaking of jealous, I don’t think the gals should fret too much about this excursion. Arie famously took Becca on a similar shopping spree and we all know how that ended!
Caelynn trundles into the shared suite swimming in bags of haute couture. She just has to drop those fancy clothes off at the room in front of everyone. There is simply no way that an assistant or intern could do that for her, okay?! The gals force their faces from grimaces to grins. Caelynn dons a gorgeous deep green gown. And away she goes for the evening portion of the one-on-one!
So… remember when Tayshia was expected to sing for her supper by revealing personal information? Caelynn goes in with a frigging opera. Seriously – it is one of the most dramatic confessions the show has ever seen and, for once, this is not hyperbole. I also feel compelled to alert you to potential trigger warnings ahead. Sorry – I wish I could keep Beer Five foamy, but circumstances dictate otherwise.
It is difficult to segue to the following, but here it goes: Caelynn reveals that she has intimacy issues, stemming for an assault she experienced in college when some frat bros drugged and raped her and two of her friends. She came to the next day, naked and alone in her bed, but had a dim memory of a guy on top her. After getting confirmation of details from her friends, she went to a hospital for a rape kit – which she was denied– before finally finding another hospital that would administer the test. Unfortunately, too much time had passed, and the test was inadmissible. She reveals that “all of the guys got away with it, except for one guy who was expelled.” (They all got away with it – anything less than jail is getting away with it, and I dearly hope their names are revealed and they somehow serve time retroactively. A long shot, I know – but good lord, this is painful).
She lived with the “shame” of the experience for a year before feeling safe enough to tell her parents. I write “shame” in quotes because she obviously has nothing to feel ashamed of – it is her perpetrators that should be mired in it and it breaks my heart that this is one of the many fall-outs of such a horrific experience.
Colton listens with compassion and it should be noted that – again, sadly and tragically – this is not the first time he has dealt with a girlfriend who has been assaulted. Colton’s first love was Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman, who helped bring down USA Gymnastic doctor/monster Larry Nassar. Aly is a hero for standing up to Nassar, who is now serving life in prison, and Colton is appropriately respectful of his ex.
The entire segment was handled with grace. I applaud Caelynn for her bravery and ABC for letting this air. I hope the honesty that was presented during the broadcast translates in real time to more victims feeling safe enough to come forward. If you or someone you know has experience sexual assault, please consider utilizing the resources at RAINN. Help is available 24/7, via the National Sexual Assault Hotline and the number is 1-800-656-4673.
Do I need to say that Caelynn got the Date Rose? Because she totally did, along with a kiss from Colton. Which, I gotta say – read the room, dude. Is now the time to mack on Caelynn? Alas!
Good lord, I am exhausted. I stress ate a can of mixed nuts last night, and reliving this has got me craving something equally naughty all over again. Let’s wrap this up, shall we?
It’s the Cocktail Party. Colton has an insane make-out session with Hannah G. – like full on Fantasy Suite level action, rolling around on his bed. Somehow, they got away with this during the soiree, which is impressive in itself given that 13 women are watching him like hawks.
Caelynn is this episode’s All-Star. She pulls Hannah B. aside for an honest chat. They finally make peace, agreeing that while they may never be friends again, they don’t have to be enemies either. Hannah B. declares that “World War 3 has been averted!” From your mouth to Russia’s ears.
Demi drones on, and on, and on, about the fact that she considers Courtney to be “the cancer of the house.” I believe this is called “projecting.”
We’ve got a Rose Ceremony to get to! A reminder that Tayshia, Caelynn, and Demi have already been awarded flowers. Also staying on in Singapore are:
Hannah G., Heather, Kirpa, Hannah B., Katie, Elyse, Sydney, Cassie, Nicole, and Onyeka.
That means Tracy and Courtney are going home, and that Demi has garnered too much power because her smear campaigns of these two women worked. Boo.
The group is off to Thailand where Heather – who has never been kissed – may, or may not, get a smooch. It’s safe to assume Demi will continue her reign as the resident menace. Meanwhile, is Elyse headed for a meltdown? Most importantly, who is getting massaged on the beach? All of this and more next week! Don’t forget to follow me for live-tweets during the broadcast and be sure to tune in for episode recaps here at MovieBoozer every Wednesday. Until then, lovelies!
The Bachelor (2019): Season 23, Episode 4 Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you wonder if the group made the 20-hour trek to Singapore in coach or business class.
Take a Drink: every time Hannah B. frets about Caelynn. Add a shot if you’re relieved they’ve finally quelled their feud.
Take a Drink: be honest – would you have had the guts to take that bungie jump? The answer for me is a firm HELL NO.
Do a Shot: for the tiny blonde terror that is Demi.