It’s time to side bar Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s journey for love so that peeps have a moment to be petty AF. Yep, it’s the televised cat fight affectionately known as “The Women Yell All.”
This is the most work Chris Harrison does all year, so let’s give a shout out to him for running interference on all the dramz from the comfort of his chair. Two hours is a lot of time to fill, so we kick off this episode with “Most Memorable Moments” – aka “The Bachelor Deep Cuts.” Needless to say, the moments are far less memorable than they are forgettable; but we have killed about 10 minutes, so the segment is a success.
Next we re-meet the ladies – half of whom I barely remember, even though we just saw them a few weeks ago. We get a montage of all the ridiculous challenges these love contestants have surmounted, along with a reminder of this season’s classics: Bumper Car Trauma and Glam Shaming. Pour one out for these meme-able moments, may their impact on pop culture loom forever large!
Now it’s time to roast Bekah for having the audacity to be 22-years old! Chelsea swoops out of nowhere with, “While Bekah was learning how to fingerpaint, Arie was learning how to fuck people in college.” Damn, girl – where was all this personality when you were actually on the show?! (“Fuck” was obviously bleeped out. There was a lot of bleeping last night – here’s hoping the ABC sensor was paid overtime.)
Tia is next up to tell Bekah she’s absolutely not sorry for telling Arie she believes Ms. B isn’t ready for marriage. But, again, Tia is tangling with the wrong child because this little cutie is articulate. Bekah says, “I’ve fallen in love with men who’ve treated me like a queen. And you’ve told me you’ve dated men who’ve treated you like shit. So maybe you’re the one who doesn’t know what she’s talking about when it comes to relationships. By the way, I can’t control the fact that I was born in 1995.” Boom and burn.
Just the fact that these shirts exist makes the world a better place.
Speaking of another kind of burn, the focus shifts to the time Bekah spent on a marijuana farm post-elimination that resulted in her mother filing a missing person’s report. It is the easily the most entertaining story to ever come out of this franchise; the bonus being the incredible merch that now exists. Please put me down for one of these t-shirts – my birthday is in June. Thank you! In other exciting news, Bekah has been invited to Bachelor in Paradise this summer. Bekah, be sure to let your mom know you’ll be in Mexico this August fighting off crabs.
Oh, god now it’s the moment we’ve all been dreading – Krystal, Krystal, and more Krystal. Bibiana is up first to confront this living nightmare for interrupting her time with Arie, even though Krystal had just come from a luxurious date with the bachelor. Krystal says, “Oh, that? I was just checking on you.” Which we all know is bullshit and the audience reacts in kind with a loud series of boos.
Not having it.
Krystal’s bowling date meltdown is finally revealed. She’s heard saying off camera that her “life is amazing.” She continues, “I put it all on hold. And for what? Some needle dick? I date men, not little fancy pants.” She also called the women C U Next Tuesdays, which, again, did not air but a little Twitter tracking revealed all the dirty edits. Sleuthing is fun!
The women call Krystal out for everything from her nails-on-chalkboard baby voice to being cruel and inauthentic. Krystal claims she wishes she’d focused on building more friendships, but no one is buying it. Young Yoda Bekah says, “Be yourself. Don’t try to curate a persona, be honest.” Will Krystal take this sage advice? I totally doubt it.
The beautiful Seinne acts as a palate cleanser. Relief is brief before Chris asks the most offensive question, ever, “Do men find it intimidating that you’re so successful?” I don’t know, Chris. Do women find it offensive that you’re sounding like an overpaid sexist douche? He does call her “a catch,” but it’s too late. Moving on.
Now Tia is in the hot seat. We learn she’s pissed because she reverted back to her old self and is not feeling good enough. She’s also ticked that Arie dumped her right after she brought him home to meet her family. Now that I can understand. Her parents spent time wrapping cocktail wieners with dough and that’s not good enough for Mr. Richie Rich?
Heartbroken or manipulative?
Mr. Harrison asks the leading question, “Will you let your guard down again?” Tia dutifully assures him, “Heartbreak sucks. But I see my worth, and I am open.” Her time on the couch does not end with an invitation to Paradise, so Bachelor Nation is holding its collective breath to see if this means she’s the next Bachelorette. I am praying this doesn’t come to pass – I have absolutely zero interest in seeing her in this role, but I’m not strong enough to actually boycott her season. Please Bachelorette producers, hear our plea; and may the lord I actively don’t believe in forgive me for my weakness.
And here is the man himself, Arie Luyendyk Jr., taking the stage to face the 20+ gals he’s “dumped” in his quest for a wife. I hope that green room is well-stocked with booze. Homeboy is gonna need a few shots before facing down this crew.
Tia is up first to ask him why he sent her home if he has doubts about Kendall. Arie says, “It wasn’t anything you did, my feelings for Kendall were just further along.” Not much drama there, as Tia is committed to behaving in hopes that she can snag the Bachelorette title.
Bekah gets the floor and tells Arie she was hopeful about him. Arie does admit to having had feelings for her, but continues to maintain that it’s her age that pushed him away. He wants to get married, like yesterday, and start popping out those babies. (Well, his future wife will do that, but you know what I mean.) He knows in his heart that that’s not Bekah’s current path.
Caroline – one of the gals I legit do not even remember – has ample stage time this evening and tells Arie ominously, “I know what you did.” Arie nods and looks at the floor. DO NOT GOOGLE what they’re talking about if you don’t want to know a MAJOR SPOILER. You can find it all on Reality Steve, or you can wait, as there are only two episodes left. I won’t judge you either way – I went straight for the spoilers myself. It is juicy!
Take down, breakdown.
Aaaaand Krystal is back. She doesn’t stay in the stands to confront Arie. Nope, she bounds down to the stage because of course. #thisbishisextra. They have a tense confrontation as she tells him, “Our goodbye felt cold to me.” Arie replies, “In retrospect, I feel like it was appropriate.” Then she continues to complain about the bowling date. Yes, the bowling date from Episode 5 when Arie dared to invite the entire group to the evening event instead of just Krystal’s team, as previously promised. Holy fuck, someone needs a juice box and a nap. Arie snaps back with, “This is called The Bachelor, you know.” Damn it, man – where have you been hiding all this sass?! This is the most personality he’s shown the entire season. Why hide the humor he’s somewhat capable of?
Here we are for the blooper reel Chris Harrison has been teasing us with for the past 100+ minutes. Hey, we’ve all got to grab joy where we can find it. The “hilarious” outtakes include a band of mini horses interrupting an interview, lots of bugs (including the best sentence of all time, “The bee is on your vagina.”), the fact that Arie has no butt, and so on.
And, in total randomness, the lead cast of the upcoming movie Blockers (about parents trying to cockblock their kids on prom night – yes, for real) drops by for a minute. Seeing John Cena, Leslie Mann, and Ike Barinholtz show up on the infamous sectional is worth a watch in and of itself. Leslie may be an actress, but she cannot hide her distress about having to take part in this promotional duty.
There is a short clip of Bachelor blocks before we get a sneak peek of the “romantic” overnight dates (aka the bone zone known as “The Fantasy Suites”), the remaining gals traveling to Peru, and Harrison’s promise of “the most dramatic episode of The Bachelor, ever.” Even he knows it’s hyperbole, but with the major spoiler looming, he may prove himself right this time. Tune in here tomorrow to find out!
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, The Women Tell All Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Chris Harrison teases the blooper reel. He sure is excited about it!
Take a Drink: every time Krystal opens her god damn mouth.
Take a Drink: every time you’re wondering who in the hell Caroline is, and why she’s usurping so much stage time.
Take a Drink: every time you pray Tia Booth is not the next Bachelorette.
Take a Drink: every time you wish Arie had shown this much personality during his reign at the bachelor.
Do a Shot: so… are ya gonna look up that spoiler or not?