The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 9 (Fantasy Suites)

By: Jenna Zine (Five Beers) –

Arie Luyendyk Jr. and the three remaining women are in romantical Peru for Fantasy Suites. Which gals will forgo their individual rooms to enter the bone zone, and which gals will have an ex show up out of nowhere to propose? It all happens right here, right now in the most dramatic recap ever!

A Toast

Peru wasn’t on my travel list until Arie and the cast of The Bachelor showed up in the exotic locale; now I can’t wait to go, so I hope someone at ABC is willing to pay my VISA bill. Arie is specifically in Ica, which he tells us, “is where the desert meets the ocean. It’s like an endless beach.” I really feel like only a small portion of sand-meets-ocean could be considered the beach, because once you’re several miles away from water it is straight up desert. That is, by definition, what makes it a desert. But you know what? He was there and I wasn’t, so who am I to argue this geographical conundrum.

As we know, this is moment where the contestants are allowed an intimate, mainly camera-free evening with the bachelor if they so choose. And, as we know, the assumption is that they’re going to have sex. So everything out of Arie’s mouth sounds filthy – at least in my dirty mind. When he exuberantly says, “I am so excited to meet the women on a different level,” I was like, “Jesus, dude. Keep it in your pants.” This goes on for the rest of the episode, so be prepared.

The Mad Max of love!

Kendall has the first date; Arie has decided to take her on a dune buggy ride. And, in an amazing twist, Arie is not allowed to drive! They are squired around the sand, until they’re almost hurtled over a steep incline, after which they decide to get out of the metal death contraption to try sand boarding (the dry version of snowboarding). They are super cute together and their connection makes me happy.

The evening portion of the date focuses on the more serious issue at hand: Is Kendall ready for the immediate commitment of marriage? She’s shown on her solo interview repeatedly, and emphatically, stating that she is not ready to get engaged. Period. She’s tearful about it as the evening progresses – she wants to feel more confident in the relationship and isn’t sure why she’s not. I am raising my hand over here like I’m gonna earn extra credit: “Ms. Kendall, Ms. Kendall! I know the answer! It’s because you’ve only been on a handful of public group dates with this human hound dog, and that is not enough of a basis for marriage.” A+.

Meanwhile Arie is worried that they have too much fun, but don’t ask each other serious questions. I can also confirm: this is true. Kendall volleys back with, “Do you really like me me? Or do you like the novelties about me?” I’ve never heard someone voice concern over being liked solely on the basis of their interest in taxidermy, but if this is a plot point in the next season of Younger, we’ll know where the writers got the idea. Also, Justin Theroux is single again, so watch out Kendall.

Arie whips an envelope (see what I mean?) out from under his dinner plate (?!) and hands it to Kendall. Does she want to join him in the Fantasy Suite? No doubts here – the answer is yes. Though she doesn’t want to get married, she does tell him she loves him. He says it back. The camera crew barely makes it out of the room before they topple onto the bed. Fade out.

Eggs a la Arie.

Morning brings the scene where Arie makes Kendall eggs (she takes them sunny side up, with an extra crispy bottom), before he kisses her goodbye to go bang another chick.

Beer Two

And now we are on to Lauren. God, will this girl ever shut up?! Just kidding – the date has such sparse dialogue that the producers had to have a song playing during their entire date so the viewers have something to listen to.

You’ll just have to learn about the Nazca Lines your own damn self!

Arie greets Lauren on a tarmac, to which Lauren helpfully points out, “There’s a plane behind you.” Nothing gets by this woman. They hop in the yellow puddle jumper to view the Nazca Lines, which looks like a truly phenomenal experience. Who knows what Lauren thinks of it, as she’s on mute and lost in her own head, so fill in the blanks yourself.

Their date moves into evening as they silently stroll down an empty cobblestone street. Lauren whispers, “It’s so quiet,” to which Arie whispers back, “I know.” I, for one, am riveted. How long will it remain quiet? We’ll just have to wait to find out! They finally have a chat over dinner, with Lauren revealing that she’s “not sure if she can do it anymore” because she needs to be the only girl that Arie is seeing. You’ve gotta wait a few more weeks for that, honey!

Arie, in his solo interview, says, “I see an amazing woman, but I only get glimpses of her. It scares me that she’d walk away. But if I spend my time reassuring her, I can’t get to know her.” Finally, some insight from the man expected to choose a wife by next week! Will he marry the vanilla ghost or a flesh and blood lady? Cliffhanger!

If loose lips sink ships, Lauren is safe.

He again pulls a secret envelope from under a plate (is this a thing?) and presents Lauren with the question – part ways for the evening, or snuggle up? She, of course, chooses the latter. During dinner they confessed their love for one another, so now instead of “Wow” Lauren endlessly says “I love you.” Rinse. Repeat. Fade out.

Morning sees them dressed in workout gear as she sends him off, but not before Arie gives her the cryptic warning, “It’s going to get harder before it gets easier.” Knowing the big spoiler for next week, he is not kidding, so I hope Last Lauren Standing takes heed.

Beer Three

Ah, Becca. Not sure what it means that she’s third in line for the overnight date, or if there’s any meaning attached at all. Let’s just say that I hope Arie has showered.

Make it stop.

They meet on a beach in Paracas to set sail on a large catamaran, where they pull the requisite Titanic move. It is my personal opinion that any couple attempting this in the future should be disqualified. From life.

Arie gives a solo interview, saying, “This is the safest connection I have. The chemistry and emotions are on point.” Becca confirms this on their date with, “I don’t have doubts. I can’t think of a thing. Nothing could possibly go wrong.” It’s almost too easy…

From the water, their evening moves to the desert (see, I told you so), with dinner in a tricked out tent. There, under the stars, their conversation intensifies. Becca says she would move to Arizona. Arie looks thrilled. She then tells him she loves him; he reciprocates. (I’d like to take a moment to point out that Ben Higgins got dragged for saying those little words to two women. Arie has now said it to three ladies, so trouble is definitely afoot.) Becca says, “I feel open and excited for the time this evening,” and all I can picture is… well, you know. I think Arie knows it too.

Becca’s gonna be so pissed when she sees the rooms the other gals got!

In fact, here’s Arie’s plate/envelope trick again, and again the lady in question agrees to spend the night with him. Though in Becca’s case, I’m not so sure that’s fair – they are truly in the middle of nowhere. What else is she going to do? So it’s an overnight, in a tent, with no bathroom! And in the morning, it’s breakfast in blanket with sandy food, in the roiling sun with no shade. Becca got the shaft alright, times two.

Beer Four

Now that Arie’s appetite has been satiated, its time to retire to his suite. He’s (literally) kicking back with a cup of tea, when we see a faceless man knock on his door. Who could it be? Turns out it’s a hulking guy in a tan suit named Ross who’s there to reclaim his girlfriend, Becca. Say what?! (Arie’s first thought, hilariously, was, “Why is hotel management here?”)

Arie maintains his cool and invites Ross into his room. They have a tense talk, with Ross saying, “I’m here to get my girl back. This is my proposal to give.” Arie replies, “Are you sure? We’re pretty far down the road.” The silent P in V question hangs in the air. Arie, deciding he doesn’t want to get pummeled, clarifies, “We’ve said, ‘I love you’ to each other.” Ross lets Arie know that he and Becca have been on and off for seven years. Arie does concur that seven years is a lot of history and he doesn’t know their story, but he’s still confident in his connection with Becca. Arie asks Ross to respect their relationship. Ross declines.

Knock, knock – who in the hell are you?

Arie’s ticked. He looks right at the camera and says, “Either he has huge balls, or he’s crazy. I’m so mad. This is not classy. You broke up with her over a year ago, and you want her now?” He shakes his head in disbelief.

Ross descends on Becca’s room next, with the saddest little bouquet of tulips in tow. To say that Becca is not thrilled to see her ex is an understatement – she won’t even let him in the room, and forces him to have a talk on the walkway. Ross states his case, saying he thought there was still love in their hearts for one another. Becca emphatically states, “No, you’ve misunderstood. Our relationship wasn’t healthy, and you know why. You don’t even know me anymore.” There isn’t much room for misinterpretation this round. Ross still issues a halfhearted proposal that Becca soundly rejects.

Ross, your timing is terrible!

The big takeaway? Ross unwittingly just made Becca the frontrunner of this shizz because now Arie: (1.) Wants to best the male competitor he didn’t even know he had. (2.) Is ticked because what Ross did was rude to both him and Becca. (3.) The primal feeling of seeing the woman he thought he had on lock having other choices makes her even more desirable. She just became possibly unattainable, and you know what that means. Becca has a proposal coming her way – mark my words.

As for Ross, that was a helluva trek to make to get rejected. I hope he at least booked a couple of extra days for sightseeing?

Becca naturally races over to Arie’s room, where he greets her warmly. They do their best to smooth things over, but there’s no doubt that it’s a bit precarious right now…

Beer Five

Rose Ceremony! This one is especially awkward, given the (potentially) sexual nature of the dates. It’s almost like getting picked for who he liked sleeping with most… Before we get that info, Arie recaps for us:

Becca: Could this end? Her history with her ex is strong.

Lauren: He can see the future with her. (Why? How?)

Kendall: Sexy and fun, but can she catch up emotionally?

Wait, did they say “three hours” or “threesome”?!

We don’t have to wait long for the answer. The women assemble and Arie immediately asks to pull Kendall aside. He expresses doubt, and this time there’s no dancing around it – he says he doesn’t think they can get there. She agrees. They hug several times as he walks her to the van. She’s super cool and I appreciate that Arie didn’t put her through the humiliation of the ceremony. She’s sad, but seems okay. I’m sure we’ll see her again!

Verdict

Arie returns and hands the rose to Lauren first (got it: quiet in the streets, wildcat in the sheets), with Becca receiving the other flower next. As the trio takes in the sunset, we learn that not only is next Monday’s finale three hours instead of two, but there will be an additional episode airing on Tuesday. If I go up a pant size after this, I’m flying to Arizona to slap Arie myself.

The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, Episode 9 (Fantasy Suites) Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Kendall and Arie do something cute together.

Take a Drink: every time Lauren stares off blankly into space.

Take a Drink: every time Becca acts confident in her connection with Arie.

Take a Drink: every time you could barely contain your laughter at all the sexual innuendos.

Do a Shot: for Ross!

About Jenna Zine

Jenna Zine is a writer, unashamed Bachelor franchise recapper & live-tweeter (@JennaZine1), drummer, and occasional standup comic. She's probably somewhere complaining about her bangs. Find more at www.jennazine.com

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