And here we are, at the end of Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s epic journey from semi-douchey racecar driver to Most Hated Man in America! Settle back with that bottle of rosé and let’s see how it all ends.
We kick off with the gut-wrenching recap of the “unedited, uncut, visible two-camera” action of the real-time breakup of Arie and Becca – because nothing says “Tuesday night!” like a kick to the emotional ‘nads.
Becca is now on the couch with host Chris Harrison, and confesses, “I was so confused. He was so confident in me and our relationship. We had looked at houses and had just talked about our plans a week ago. How did I not see this all?” Wait – a real estate agent (Arie’s side chick gig, when he’s not vroom, vroom, vrooming in circles) takes a woman he knows he’s not into house hunting? What are the over/under odds that he was hoping to squeeze a commission out of Becca, in addition to squeezing her heart? #sociopath.
At least Jason had the balls to do a shirtless Rose Ceremony.
Meanwhile, Arie has a chat with the infamous Jason Mesnick, who also dumped his “winner” in favor of his runner up, so he is the perfect guy to help Arie justify what he wanted to do all along. Jason says, “I suffered a lot of backlash. You’re putting yourself out there in a way people won’t like. Don’t do it unless you’re certain.” I believe that Arie is certain that he’d like to get (back) into Lauren’s pants and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That I would buy stock in, I am so certain of it.
More hot camera action, as we cut between Becca sobbing in her apartment alone to Arie, having a well-deserved panic attack outside of Lauren’s parent’s brick mansion. (Does Lauren still live at home with her parents? Is that why she’s still afraid to talk to strangers?)
We cut away to Becca momentarily as she says, “He couldn’t quantify why he loved her because they couldn’t even have a conversation. Everything he just did contradicts what he said he wanted in life.” It is sad – everyone bought what Arie was selling, and unfortunately that turned out to be a pack of lies. Talk about learning the hard way. At least even Arie acknowledges that Lauren has zero conversational skills.
And now Arie’s barely knocked on the door before Lauren flings it open and hops into his arms. Ah, the joyous reunion of the naïve waif and the total dog has begun. Lauren confesses that she was angry at Arie, saying, “It has been such a hard time. I lost you on the same day that you got engaged. Why did you ask her?”
When the color beige takes on human form.
Well, as we know from Monday’s recap, he asked because he was asking with his head instead of his heart. He asked because he did a mental pros & cons list, and the strong woman who knows herself was the pro and the shy one who requires constant reassurance was the con. He asked because that’s who his parents told him they preferred. He asked because there was the brief glimmer that maybe he should try something different, rather than cuddling up with the millionth version of what he already knows. That is why he asked.
We learn that Becca was even cool enough to allow him to call Lauren. She was doing this in hopes that it would offer Arie the closure he needed to move on. Arie was doing it in hopes that Lauren was willing to give him another chance – which she was. So all Arie did was confirm for himself that he still had love and sex waiting for him. I tremble at the bravery!
Lauren asks, “Are you over Becca?” Arie rolls his eyes and says, “Oh, a thousand percent!” They smile and kiss. It is all I can do not to reach through the TV screen and slap Arie.
Now we’ve got the power quartet of Bekah, Seinne, Kendall, and Tia – plus Caroline, whom no one remembers, yet still insists on including herself – up onstage with Mr. Harrison, and they are here to spill the tea on Arie! Bekah says, “He’s manipulative. He will say whatever he needs to the person he’s in front of to get what he wants.” And boom – just like that, Bekah’s School of Psychology is back in session.
The gals agree. Seinne says, “It was almost like Bekah and their engagement didn’t exist.” Caroline chimes in (because when is Caroline not going to chime in?) with, “There was more emotion talking to Lauren than there was Becca.” Kendall, ever the sweetest, references the aired breakup, saying, “We all know we are going to be on TV. However, I hated seeing that televised, but I only liked watching it because Becca was so strong.”
Now Tia (who I am no fan of, but damn – she brings it here) gives the real scoop with, “One thing we didn’t see is that he had confirmation that he knew Lauren would get back together with him. Otherwise he wouldn’t have had the balls.” How does she know this? Because she was actually with Lauren when Lauren’s 36-year old engaged ex slid into her Instagram DMs like a dirty thief. And on New Year’s Eve, no less – you know holiday you generally have romantic plans with your significant other, like perhaps a fiancé? Yeah, that night. Holy shit.
So, the women confirm that Arie is absolutely a gap-bridger (we knew that), but that they have no ill will towards Lauren. Bekah hopes “Lauren gets out asap,” and Tia hopes, “she’s guarding her heart.” And Caroline confirms, “Arie gives zero fucks about Becca’s feelings, so be careful.” It is a truly dire warning, and it is unfortunate that there’s no way Lauren will take heed. Alas, we must all learn tough lessons in love, and this certainly appears to be hers. Good luck with that!
And it is now time for the confrontation we’ve all been waiting for – yes, Becca is here to take the stage and bravely face the man who heartlessly dumped her on national television. Becca ain’t messing – she showed up ready to slay in a slinky gold lamé dress and Wonder Woman-inspired gold cuffs. I’d give my firstborn to look that good – Becca is fire. She receives wild applause, which helps steady her because girlfriend is understandably nervous AF.
Arie takes the stage and Chris gives Becca the floor. Becca wants to know when he reached out to Lauren. Arie is cagey but admits he was talking to Last Lauren Standing for a week (at least!) before he decided to end their engagement. He claims he was always honest with Becca, beginning in Peru when he told her he still had doubts. Becca fires back with, “Yes, I thought you were expressing that for the purposes of closure.” Arie says, “I needed to talk to Lauren in order to be sure.” Yes, you needed to be sure you had somewhere else to put your penis. We know – we’ve met men like you before. #notbitter. Arie continues, “I felt an emptiness when I got back from Peru. It was intense to go from a breakup to an engagement.” (Believe me, Twitter was decidedly not amused he blamed the structure of the show for his poor judgement.)
Becca takes a deep breath and replies, “There was a lack of respect for me as your fiancé. I thought you were closing a door, not opening it back up. You always had a choice in proposing and instead you robbed me – I will never have a first engagement again. I asked if you were sure, and all you ever said was that you were confident.”
Arie continues to be a total wimp with, “I regret proposing; I was under pressure. I had one foot in. I was conflicted, and gave it as much effort as I could. I’m sorry.” He really, truly does not give a shit about her. That is for sure. He clearly took this engagement about as seriously as one takes Saturday morning cartoons.
Becca, ever gracious, says, “You were my fiancé, so I’m always going to have love in my heart. I wasn’t your person. I hope to find someone better suited for me.” She adds, “I do accept your apology, and I forgive you. It just adds to my story. I hope Lauren is your one. Hold her heart high; this has been a lot to go through.”
And with that, it is done. I feel like I need to sage the room.
For some reason, Jason Mesnick is back onstage, this time with his wife, Molly. They are legit cute together, and it’s noted that they’ve been married for eight years and now have two children. They laugh and say Arie should’ve called them because they know what not to do. But really, do we need this part of the recap? Arie is clearly moving on with Lauren, and what’s done is done. So, thanks for stopping by Mr. and Mrs. Mesnick.
Arie has the stage with Chris. Guess what? It’s more excuses. Blah, blah, blah. Arie says he was with Lauren when the engagement episode aired and that they didn’t watch the finale. (Yeah, I’ll bet!) Arie says all he can do is apologize (um, barely, and poorly – especially when it comes directly to Becca), but the show is fleeting and this is his life. Yes, it was your life the whole time! The question is: when will you finally take responsibility for it?
Lauren is here to join the fun. She says she wasn’t excited to hear from Arie initially, because she thought he was happily engaged. But she was thrilled when she learned otherwise, because what woman doesn’t want to be approached by a dude who got her hopes up, dashed them on television, and then put out feelers to see if you’d still date him while boning another gal? It is the thing of dreams. Lauren claims that they were respectful of Becca. Sure.
Lauren, will you accept this sociopathic shell of a man masquerading as Prince Charming?
Chris Harrison asks Last Lauren what she loves about Arie. She says it’s “his bravery and his honesty.” It is here that I’m laughing so hard wine comes out my nose. Chris asks, “Do you trust him with your heart?” She replies, “Absolutely.” Oh, honey.
We learn that they aren’t looking at social media (wise), and that they’re going out of the country on vacation (the only place that will have them), before she moves to Arizona (perfect for a pale blonde).
Chris – who accidentally spoiled this moment at the top of the show – gives Arie the floor to, you guessed it, PROPOSE. Again. On national television. While his ex is backstage and can hear everything. Boy, does this guy know how to sweep a woman off her feet, or what? Good lord. The audience, as well as Lauren’s parents, respond with tepid applause. For the record, I do think these two will make it down the aisle. For how long will they be wed? Well, that’s surely another story…
Arie and Lauren have cleared the stage and Becca is brought back out to be officially declared the next Bachelorette. Yay! Chris, never one to back off from putting this lady through the wringer, lets her know that her season is starting… now!
Hipsters need not apply.
Yep, they’ve got a few guys lined up backstage to kick things off, including an adorable man with a British accent who calls Arie a wanker, some slick dude named Chase Ferguson who thinks way too highly of himself, a banjo player named Ryan (hard pass), and a man named Blake who arrives with a horse named Bradley. So… it’s safe to say Becca’s husband is not in this pack. But hope is not lost – he’s out there, I’m sure of it. (Spoiler alert – it’s not Ross.)
Thank you, dear readers, for joining me here at MovieBoozer for the most dramatic season of The Bachelor, ever. We appreciate your eyes! I don’t know about you, but Arie has worn me the fuck out. Here’s to a brief recap retirement until Becca’s season of The Bachelorette kicks off May 28th. Until then, rose lovers!
The Bachelor (2018): Season 22, After The Final Rose Special Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you want to punch Arie in the balls.
Take a Drink: every time you root for Becca.
Take a Drink: every time you feel kind of sorry for Lauren.
Take a Drink: every time Caroline inserts herself into the group.
Take a Drink: every time Bekah drops some psychological knowledge.
Do a Shot: Seriously, Jason Mesnick – what are you still doing here?