By: Felix Felicis (Five Beers) –
I can count on one hand the things that have gotten better over a seventeen year wait. Paul Rudd. Jeff Goldblum. Channing Tatum’s marital status (though that one has been a real roller coaster the past eight years and change for anyone delusional enough to think he’ll marry them someday *cough* iloveyoucallme *cough*. Jeff Goldblum again. Always Jeff Goldblum. Super Troopers 2 is not on that list. It’s not even in the same GALAXY as that list and here’s why: Super Troopers was a stoner cult classic for a reason. It was made by unknown comedians back in the day who just wanted to fuck around and have fun and, largely-if-more-than-slightly-misogynistically, they succeeded. Super Troopers 2 was made by men desperate to be relevant again after almost twenty years out of the limelight who were able to crowd fund their YUGELY more-than-moderately-offensive return to the silverscreen. Thanks I guess, Indiegogo?
Super Troopers 2 begins with a trippy and gratuitous dream sequence almost totally included to squeeze in some weird cameos then goes on to showcase the highway patrolmen down and out of the force for fucking up AGAIN and working as contractors some years later. Cue the INSANE re-zoning of a chunk of Canada into America, the highway patrolmen hired on to transition this poor town into being American, not to mention, oh yeah, drug smuggling, RAGING misogyny, a dash of bigotry, and a little light racism to round things out before these VerMounties somehow, someway, save the day. Again. Kind of.
I’m not gonna lie, I actually really enjoyed Super Troopers. I blame this on being in college at the time and having its dumb ass crawl in under the fence my adult standards grew over years later. We all have our blindspots. Some of us just have one that involves mustache rides and syrup chugging. That said, there were a couple bright spots in the dark, Super Troopers 2 abyss where humor went to die.
For one, Rob Lowe was having a blast with his character that can only be described as what happens nine months after a maple-soaked pancake has a gangbang with Parks and Rec’s Chris Trager. It was also fun to see the Troopers together again but mostly in that way where it’d be cool to see someone from high school at a neighborhood barbecue for like thirty seconds but anything more than that makes catching up with them PAINFULLY obvious that development was arrested somewhere mid-puberty or thereabouts.
Troopers 2 was running on fumes from the first film and subscribed all-in on the “if it isn’t broken, make another dick-and-tits joke about it” philosophy from beginning to end. If you liked Super Troopers and you’re a dude-bro from the ages of 16-43 then HOT DAMN HAVE I GOT THE MOVIE FOR YOU! Tiny hat off to the 4/20 release date because these boys know their target audience and their target audience is a stoned potato wedge covered in cheese playing Fortnite in their mother’s basement. Fred Savage is also, arguably, the G.O.A.T for his cameo. Alternate Theory: someone in Broken Lizard made a deal with the devil to crowdfund this shitshow. Hail Satan.
Holy fuck this was billed as a stoner comedy and it was quite possibly one of the most intensely awful attempts at satire I’ve ever seen. Not as clever as it thinks it is, Super Troopers 2 could only have been written by horny teenage hamsters wearing MAGA hats and I’m With Her t-shirts because whoo-boy was this baby was built to offend literally everyone. Well, mostly women. And Canadians. And Americans. And every other culture. And Bears. And LGBTQ people. And bears again.
Some dialogic gems include:
“You get the ‘giney, I’ll get the hiney.”
[Trooper getting an eye stitched up by his love interest]
“You’re a doctor?”
“No, I coach the lady’s hockey team so I know my way around a gash.”
“Making a double entendre? Yes, I am making a joke about [something] and the vagine.”
I cannot overstate how offensive and not-so-subversively aggressive this movie was towards women. From the casual misogyny illustrated by the dialogue above, to making pretty much every female character only relevant by how important she was to a man (Ursula gets two minutes of screen time, none of which are necessary to moving the plot forward, and the other female lead is seen entirely in the scope of a conquest- WILL Rabbit convince this woman to bang him? <— Pretty much the only plot point other than her dubious role in the twist ending that *gasp* also ends with answering the question of her sexual relevance to Rabbit.
This movie was not made by women. This movie was not made for women. This movie sure as shit doesn’t respect women and, in the year 2018, that seems about right on trend for the Troopers 2 target audience. Not even bookend Linda Carter cameos could save this from being equally as offensive to women as Kingsman: Golden Circle was and that movie actually has a telescoping x-ray shot of cervix surveillance so you KNOW your shit is next-level awful if the goddamned OG Wonder Woman can’t save it. Linda, sweetie, if they’re holding you hostage and this cameo was to stop them from killing you, blink twice.
Don’t worry though, ladies! Super Troopers 2 is here for everyone! Well, it’s definitely here to offend everyone. The plot is arguably the laziest shit I’ve seen since the invention of Count Chocula. If you need a creepy puppet to teach you how to count to three then you have bigger problems than Troopers 2… but even then it’s a real close call. The first film wasn’t breaking the mental bank by any means, but there was at least a tiny twist or two. Ish. Let’s play a fun game! It’s called anal-ogies! Sorry not sorry it had to be pun. Super Troopers is to Super Troopers 2 as a knockoff Prince is to actual Vanilla Ice.
You know what’s fun? Vomit! Just kidding. But throw some regurgitated plot points from the first film into a blender alongside breathtakingly tone deaf contemporary “humor” and hit it on a “high” pulse for like thirty seconds. Now find someone you don’t like at work and throw that Super smoothie right in their face because they probably deserve it. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Karen from Credit. Congrats, you’ve now accomplished the same stunning waste of time that Broken Lizard has with Super Troopers 2. I don’t know what they’ve been doing for the past seventeen years, but it wasn’t thinking up fresh ideas.
The character development in Super Troopers 2 is a cardboard cutout of negative space so supercharged with lack of fucks given that it ripped a hole in the space/time continuum and allowed Jake and Logan Paul to fall out. Those two fuckwidgets and this movie are why we can’t have nice things. There was no depth of character for ANYONE (well, maybe the bear) and, shockingly, every character is reduced to their most obvious stereotype. Gay guy? Male stripper short shorts and mesh crop top for you, buddy! Woman in this movie? Get ya tits out, girl ’cause they ain’t interested in them brains! Dealers choice Vermont State Trooper? Picture whatever a garden-variety four-year-old boy would do in any given situation et voila! You have your motivation, Farva!
Broken Lizard is dead to me. They’ll be joining “any conversation my mother has about my perpetual singledom” and “wearing Crocs anytime, ever” in the afterlife of Things I No Longer Acknowledge Or Accept As Real. Die Hard 5 and “people who push their cats around in strollers” also live there.
Super Troopers 2 (2018) Drinking Game
Take a Sip: for every prank pulled on, or by, the Mounties. Take Two: for every *sigh* dick kick.
Take a Drink: for each different kind of pill and/or Flova Scotia ad.
Do a Shot: whenever you spot a Super Troopers callback for the first time.
Take a Sip: for every Canadian/American joke. I cannot overstate this: pace yourself.
Shotgun your Beer: when they ALMOST cut the “wood” a little close to the grain. Trust me, you’ll know.