Sherlock Gnomes (2018) Movie Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) –

Picking up where the last film left off, lawn gnomes “Gnomeo” (gonna have to get used to saying this pun… fuck my life) and Juliet are starting their new lives together with the other Gnomes at the new inner-city garden at the new home of their owners. A rash of Gnome robberies in London has been occurring and one day while out of the garden Gnomeo and Juliet return to find the others gone. Enter Dr. Watson and the eminent Sherlock “Gnomes” (aaagh, fuck this movie) as they try to solve the mystery.

A Toast

The animation quality of Sherlock Gnomes is quite good for its relatively middling animation budget. They do manage to capture the cliched corniness of lawn ornaments. About mid-way into the film they find themselves in a Chinatown gift shop and I was impressed with the way they found to anthropomorphize the various baubles that you tend to find at that sort of store. I really am reaching here to find anything to talk about… moving on.

Beer Two

A star-studded cast including names like Maggie Smith, Johnny Depp, Mary J. Blige, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and others are completely wasted on a comedic script that seems hell-bent on not telling any jokes. If the slapstick humor was new or creative that might have made up for things, but we aren’t even treated to visual hijinks of any kind, save for what was already shown in the trailer.

*sigh*

Beer Three

Ok, so if your movie isn’t going to focus on jokes, maybe this is supposed to be dramatic? Perhaps then there is a story worth telling? After all it is inspired by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle novels right?  No, instead lets just make a movie with the most obvious and unambiguous mystery, that a 2 year old can solve faster. I called the so-called “twist” literally before a mystery was presented for the audience to solve.

Beer Four

Johnny Depp has seemingly been sleepwalking through his last few years as an actor. But he is actually the only one here who seems to have any inspiration, sadly he is also sorely miscast as a Sherlock Holmes parody. What is it with American actors being cast as Sherlock Holmes, one of the most British of literary characters?

Conan Doyle was a spiritualist, so maybe he’d buy this as real?

Beer Five

The opening shot of the film features characters admitting to the story being lazy, through a series of terrible Gnome puns. Unless this is also meant to hint at future sequels, in which case fuck this movie anyway.

Beer Six

Elton John is an Executive Producer on the film, and the advertisements highly promote the use of his songs. It is too bad that the songs have seemingly no real purpose in the film, not even setting an appropriate mood. Be warned, the film is advertised as having songs from Elton John; but they are mostly older songs. It brought back memories of the equally dull Strange Magic in that the music feels painfully forced into the scenes.

Verdict

Like a fleeting moment in hell, Sherlock Gnomes is as unpleasant as it is quickly forgotten, as you move on to the next torment.

Sherlock Gnomes (2018) Drinking Game

Do a Shot: for every bad pun

Take a Drink: for every out of place Elton John song

Do a Shot: for the obvious plot twist

Take a Drink: each time the movie attempts to be artsy with a 2D animated look into Sherlock’s mind

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they're confused about something) at least a few times a week. I've gotten way off track here... The point is, Oberst is one of the website's founders, so... yeah

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