Ice Age: Collision Course (2016) Movie Review

By: Oberst von Berauscht (Six Pack) –

So, in 2002 Blue Sky studios released Ice Age, and then in 2006, 2009, and 2012 more Ice Age sequels came out, and now this new one in 2016. This series is notable for its unimpressive visuals, pun-filled dialogue, pop culture references that have no place in pre-history, with a celebrity voice cast all cashing in on the quick and easy gig, and base humor which tends to overwhelm any meager story the film tries to present.

iceage2
This is no exception…

A Toast

These Ice Age movies are inspired heavily by classic old Warner Bros cartoons, and attempt to recapture a piece of the slapstick comedy that made them so popular.  Despite what must be the lazy filmmakers’ worst intentions, on rare occasion the slapstick humor pays off.  This is a little bit like finding the little bit of unspoiled food in the dumpster out back.

dumpster
The garbage collectors forgot about this one years ago…

Beer Two

The animation quality of the Ice Age films has never been one of its strong suits, but certainly you’d think after 5 films they’d give some kind of care to polishing the visuals.  Instead what we’re presented with are mild improvements in the main character models, and lazy, flat backgrounds. The budget for this film was over $100 million dollars, most of which undoubtedly went to paying the celebrity voice cast. And speaking of which…

Beer Three

I never thought I’d live to see the day when John Leguizamo is one of the least obnoxious comedic voices in a film.  But between Sean William Scott’s doofiness and a curiously pandering Simon Pegg, I can’t tell what voice is the most maddening. Knowing this film would be viewed mostly by children as a babysitter alternative, the actors all are on auto-pilot, playing out the non-plot with just enough enthusiasm to ensure their checks have cleared.

moneyburning
No joke…

Beer Four

The story this time around is even more tentative than before. In this installment all your “favorite” characters are back, and this time trying to stop a mass extinction of mammals via asteroid.  Oh and whats that?  Nobody gives a shit?  Yeah… you’re right.

Beer Five

While officially listed as being 94 minutes long, the film’s runtime is bloated by lengthy credits, which when removed reveal a film struggling to clock in at something resembling feature length. I clocked it at well under 80 minutes.  A short film doesn’t mean a bad film, but every scene here is full of padding.

Beer Six

This sixth, honorary beer goes to the Ice Age franchise, which despite all odds has stuck it out for over a decade without suffering a massive extinction event. And for all of you who are thinking this film bombed at the box office this weekend, please look at the $200 million worldwide gross, and realize that this is never going away…

We know, everybody talks shit about that trilogy, let's move on.
no… escape….

Verdict

Drink a six-pack before you watch Ice Age: Collision Course… in fact, don’t actually. Don’t watch it at all, just drink the beer. STOP SUPPORTING THIS SHIT.

Six Pack

Ice Age: Collision Course (2016) Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every body odor joke

Take a Drink: for Scrat failing at everything

Drink a Shot: each time hugely specific coincidence drives the plot

Take a Drink: when Ray Romano audibly gives up about halfway through

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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