The Darkness (2016) Movie Review

By: Movie Snurb (Six Pack) –

The Darkness starts with a family on vacation in the Grand Canyon. Their kids go wandering off and the son falls through the ground (I don’t know). He comes across five stones which he takes home. Unknowingly these stones contain the spirits of five evil demons that begin to terrorize the family. The Demons do their best to bring out the family’s darknesses to destroy themselves. It was an interesting concept that was not executed correctly and crashed and burned hard.

A Toast

The concept was an interesting one.  It was something a little different, but unfortunately they used every horror trope, not well I might add. Also, Kevin Bacon’s character chose not to cheat on his wife… a second time. Then the last good thing happened… the movie ended.

image003

4 for you Kevin Bacon, you go Kevin Bacon!

Beer Two

I don’t know what the budget for this film was, but they managed to get Kevin Bacon, Paul Reiser, and Matt Walsh. I can’t fully understand why they all agreed to be in this film, especially Kevin Bacon. He was a major character and his talents were completely wasted in this “film.” Plus the daughter was a terrible actress. Part of it might have been the dialogue: a racecar driver is only as fast as their racecar.

image004

Wasted talent.

Beer Three

The writing was deplorable. It was really clunky and not smooth. The characters would say something and then in the next scene they would say the complete opposite… what? Then there’d be moments that were really unnecessary. Like the Mom wakes up and hears a struggle. She steps into the hallway to see the family picture busted laying on the ground. The she looks up to see a wolf looking at her and run off (the spirits take the form of five animals before they appear in their true form). Then she wakes up.  Well thanks, that was pointless. Then Kevin Bacon watches a video on how to defeat the demons, then they call this spirit guru to exorcise the demons and she doesn’t help. Then while she’s still there Kevin Bacon does what the video said and he defeats the demons. Well, that 15 minutes with the spirit guru was completely unnecessary.

image006

Speaking of bad writing.

Beer Four

This terrible writing of wasteful scenes led to awful pacing. The movie only has a runtime of 92 minutes and yet it felt like 3 hours. I almost nodded off twice. I looked at my watch probably 5 or 6 times just waiting for this thing to finally finish.

image008

Me trying to make it through this move.

Beer Five

There wasn’t a single scary moment in this entire film. Many times there were moments where they would make you think there was something scary coming but then nothing. Many horror films will do this a few times to keep you on your feet. However, they do not do it the entire film, which is all they did this entire film. It was like expecting a sneeze and nothing happens. SNEEZE DAMN IT!!!!

image009

Well, you tried… I think.

Beer Six

When they would attempt to give you scary moments it was all the same tropes that you’ve seen a hundred times. It’s so unfortunate that these movies make money when they don’t deserve to. I love horror films, but I’ll admit there are a lot of terrible ones. Why can’t all horror filmmakers be daring and trying new things? If you’re looking for a good horror film, I’d wait til next month for The Conjuring 2.

image011

Seriously, just let me sneeze!

Verdict

Nothing good will come from watching The Darkness. The only thing that kept me awake was doing my own version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 in my head to amuse myself. Granted this film wasn’t as bad as the ones they watch, but it was close.

image013

I love this show.

Six Pack

The Darkness (2016) Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time something that is supposed to be scary isn’t.

Do a Shot: every time you think something scary is coming and nothing happens. JUST GIVE ME THE SCARY!! I PAID FOR SCARY!!

Do a Shot: every time the lose their son Michael.

Do a Shot: every time a joke about the film pops into your head.

Finish your 6 Pack: because you actually watched this film.

About Movie Snurb

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!