Cruel Intentions (1999) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you see Reese’s character clad in white and Sarah Michelle’s dressed head to toe in black. It’s symbolic, y’all!

Take a Drink: every time the wicked stepsiblings hatch a naughty plan.

Take a Drink: every time Cecile (Selma Blair) stumbles around like a newborn filly that hasn’t learned how to use her legs.

Read the full Cruel Intentions (1999) Review

Cruel Intentions (1999) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jenna Zine (Four Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Privileged stepsiblings deal with their ennui by dispatching each other on dares to besmirch the reputations of their fellow NYC prep school classmates.

A Toast

The film is actually a loose adaptation of Pierre Choderlos de Laclos’ 1782 novel, Les Liaisons Dangereuses, which was successfully transmuted to the screen in 1988 as the outstanding Dangerous Liaisons. Set in modern day New York with a teen cast, Cruel Intentions is essentially Dangerous Liaisons Lite. And what a delightfully frothy rendition it is!

Beer Two

Kathryn Merteuil (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Sebastian Valmont (Ryan Phillippe) are stepsister and brother who could not be more bored with their luxurious Manhattan existences. Kathryn longs to be openly sexual but instead subverts her energy into acting as a popular do-gooder, at least on the surface. (During one hilarious rant, she complains about the double standard that exists and how it forces her to act like “the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side” in order to secretly get her needs met.) Sebastian is a sociopath who enjoys the spoils of being a gorgeous playboy as he carelessly pursues and dumps multiple targets.

Sarah Michelle and Ryan obviously have a blast chewing up the scenery as nasty characters with few redeeming qualities. My only wish is that Ryan hadn’t decided to apparently wax his eyebrows for this film. It’s distracting to see him looking like a drag queen with a bad dye job. But that’s just me! Who am I – the style police?

Tell me honestly – do my eyebrows look too slick?

Beer Three

The situation gets interesting when things don’t go their way. They decide to join forces while simultaneously placing a wager on who can successfully push their social agenda forward. The bet includes seducing clueless neophyte Cecile Caldwell (Selma Blair) and avowed virgin Annette Hargrove (Reese Witherspoon). On the line is Sebastian’s vintage Jaguar or a romp with Katherine. Let the games begin!

Trivia: Reese Witherspoon’s character mostly resists Phillippe’s advances on film; though things were all systems go off camera. The two were married and already had their first child by the time the movie came out. And that, my friends, is how you win an Oscar!

So that’s how babies are made! I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this wasn’t the most difficult part of their work day.

Beer Four

The script is uneven. The cast is given free reign to overact. Sebastian bullies a gay teen that is deep in the closet. Little use is made of the big names that populate the movie, some having as few as one scene. (Christine Baranski, Swoosie Kurtz, Sean Patrick Thomas, Joshua Jackson and Tara Reid all fall in this category.) The melodramatic ending will have you laughing out loud. In short, it’s all kinds of wrong and delightfully terrible. Guilty pleasures don’t get dirtier than this.

 Bases are covered, featuring a little something for everyone!

Verdict

Cruel Intentions holds its own as a purposefully distilled version of the classic original. My recommendation? Add it to your Netflix queue immediately! It’s slick, titillating fun that still satisfies more than a decade past its release date.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you see Reese’s character clad in white and Sarah Michelle’s dressed head to toe in black. It’s symbolic, y’all!

Take a Drink: every time the wicked stepsiblings hatch a naughty plan.

Take a Drink: every time Cecile (Selma Blair) stumbles around like a newborn filly that hasn’t learned how to use her legs.

Who knew that the kid who drew cocks, so many cocks! would end up an Oscar nominee? Jonah Hill has to be one of the least likely nominees in some time, but his work in Moneyball appears to have done more than just land him that nomination.  It opened up his career to a variety of dramatic roles on top of the comic offers he’s used to getting.  The latest role comes from Martin Scorcese in a team-up with Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street. He’ll play the childhood buddy of DiCaprio, who is called out of the furniture business to work in stocks, and partake in all of the sex, drugs, and spiraling out of control that comes with that, at least according to Hollywood.

Or maybe I’m wrong, and it’ll be two hours of DiCaprio and Hill discussing how derivatives work

You know who else would be a pretty unlikely Oscar nominee? Robert Pattinson.  Don’t tell him that, though, as he’s doing his damndest to distance himself from everything Twilight.  We’ll get our first indication as to how that’ll work out for him when reviews for David Cronenberg’s Cosmopolis filter in from Cannes later this month.  In the meantime, he’s lining up even more intriguing-sounding work.  Mission: Blacklist will tell the true-life story of a military interrogator tracking down Saddam Hussein.  An encouraging sign is that the  flick will be written by Band of Brothers writer/producer Erik Jendresen, but he’ll have his job cut out for him tailoring the grizzled career military man role to Pattinson.

I guess PTSD could be one explanation for that blank look…

Pattinson’s not done with that one, as he also recently signed on to The Rover, from on the rise Australian auteur David Michod (Animal Kingdom).  The movie centers on a man who crossed the Outback to recover his stolen car and the mysterious, important object he left inside.  Guy Pearce will actually fill that role, while Pattinson will play the guy who steals the car in the first place.  It’d be easy to dismiss this one as well, as it sounds like another hardened role and unlikely casting for a poorly reviewed teen heartthrob.

And those guys never figure it out

Rancho Deluxe (1975) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for weird or awkward sex moments

Take a Drink: anytime the word “Rustler” is used

Drink a Shot: for each Jimmy Buffet song… hell, make it a margarita.

Read the Full Rancho Deluxe (1975) review

Rancho Deluxe (1975) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Three Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Rancho Deluxe is the story  of a rustling scheme cooked up by two down-on-their-luck cattleman, Jack McKee and Cecil Colson (played by The Dude and a younger, pot-smoking Jack McCoy respectively).  Starting off small by shooting a few cows and butchering them with chainsaws, they slowly move onto bigger, more ambitious targets.  They recruit Burt and Curt (Richard Bright, and Harry Dean Stanton) two inside men, for a major cattle heist.  Their various successes lead wealthy rancher John Brown (Clifton James), to seek help from master stock detective Henry Beige (Slim Pickens).  Will Jack and Cecil succeed, or will their youthful carelessness torpedo their great plans?  

Did I mention Harry Dean Stanton?

A Toast

Rancho Deluxe is by no means a great movie, but it is an immensely watchable one.  This is mostly due to the enduring cool of the lead performers, Jeff Bridges and Sam Waterston.  Their characters of Cecil and Jack are just a couple of everyday guys who you might want to have a beer with sometime, that happen to like shooting cows.  Slim Pickens may not have a huge role in the movie, but it might be one of his all time best, as the decrepit, seemingly insane stock detective.  Buoying their performances is the honkey-tonk soundtrack by none other than Jimmy Buffett.  This film was released just at the right time in his career, when he focused more on songwriting and less on entertaining drunken soccer moms.

Partying into the late hours of 6:30 PM

Beer Two

The movie is the kind of film that could have only come from the early 70′s.  Depending on your level of tolerance, this means it can feel like a throwback to a more innocent time, or a dated movie that no longer feels relevant.  I tend towards the former, as the movie is damn fun to watch, even in spite of the sometimes ludicrously hippyish women characters and “sticking it to the man” excuses for criminal behavior.  If you made a list of films that could only have been made in the late 60′s/early 70′s this film would sit right next to Easy Rider and  Alice’s Restaurant. 

*Spoiler Alert

Harry Dean Stanton kicks Jeff Bridges’ ass at pong

Beer Three

And then there is the story, which is pretty minimal.  This is sort of a “enjoy the ride” movie, lacking any real stakes, nor any kind of major twist that is surprising.  This is the kind of movie that you could turn on TV while cooking dinner, sit down, chat with friends, laugh at the good parts, get up, take a shit, and come back and not miss anything important.  This is not a film to spend time dissecting frame-by frame for artistic resonance, but if you aren’t too interested in getting involved, it can be a good time.

Verdict

This movie demands no effort on your part.  Sit back, drink a beer, and chill.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for weird or awkward sex moments

Take a Drink: anytime the word “Rustler” is used

Drink a Shot: for each Jimmy Buffet song… hell, make it a margarita.

The Dictator -

I’m one of those people who has a visceral reaction, an unavoidable cringing, upon viewing intensely awkward situations: like terrible singers on American Idol or health education videos trying to reach the kids via white rapping.

Ugh.

(via)

Borat, Bruno, and the original Da Ali G Show, excelled at creating that cringe factor with the  interaction of an outrageous character and an unsuspecting target to great comedic effect (particularly the HBO show and to a lesser extent Bruno.) A lot of the tension was bearable because you’re laughing at the expense of both people: the victim and the wacky idiot. Sacha Baron Cohen’s improvisation skills, ability to maintain his character without breaking, and huge ballsy-ness are what made for the big laughs.

The Dictator, however, is a scripted comedy. Its lack of those authentic elements takes away that real edge and Cohen’s strongest talents. The reactions of the other actors just seem relatively cheap. But what else can he do? Cohen’s completely recognizable at this point and can’t fool everyone anymore. Those mankini things were everywhere!

And never where you wanted them to be. (via)

Beer Prediction

The man can still play a wacky idiot and write offensive jokes, but those jokes come off as almost safe and the movie like a stale parody. Sounds like the makings of a good Netflix choice down the road.

Battleship -

“Prepare to fire!”

“Sir, which weapons?”

“All of them.”

What the hell, Liam Neeson?!

Beer Prediction

NEXT.

What To Expect When You’re Expecting -

A movie for made for people who had a baby (or got married, or bought that house in the suburbs…) because trendy magazines told them to.

I know it’s supposed to be a sarcastic, here’s-how-it-really-is-girlfriend-amirite take on the realities of pregnancy and 30-something relationships, but to me it’s just an issue of “Good Housekeeping” in disguise. They’re trying to be cool and down-to-earth and take a stab at the American dream by creating the ultimate movie for yuppies.

“Women be house-buyin’! Know what I mean, other upwardly mobile young professionals with token diversity?”

This is just New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day, but instead of a large cast with intertwining stories taking place on one holiday night, it’s a large cast with intertwining stories taking place in a stroller commercial. It’s that visceral cringing in a completely different way.

Beer Prediction

I know this isn’t a documentary or anything, but it just comes off as so plastic. Let’s get real about pregnancy and simultaneously envy the woman walking around in six-inch-heels that Sex and The City   told us we had to have! The humour relies on buying into the same stereotypes that it pretends to want to tear apart.

White Lightnin' (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time there’s dancing

Take a Drink: every time there’s huffing

Take a Drink: every time a gun is wielded or shot

Do a Shot: I’m a sea turtle!

Read the full White Lightnin’ (2009) Review

White Lightnin' (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

There are a lot of directions a feature film adaptation of the PBS documentary Dancing Outlaw and the life of Jesco White could have gone.  If you’re an idiot, there’s some easy comedy to be mined from dancing hillbillies and spousal abuse.  Or you could go the Winter’s Bone route and shoot for some Oscars.

Yeah, this probably coulda used more dancin’

Or, if you’re awesome, you can go full-on, muthafuckin’ method and grab your camera , a backpack full of model airplane glue, and a couple of Big Gulps’ worth of bathtub crank and see what happens.  The makers of White Lightnin’ appear to be exactly that kind of awesome.

The film follows Jesco White from his paint and gasoline-huffing childhood, through his, surprise! asylum stay, and then on into adulthood, where he becomes a local tap-dancin’ sensation and general ne’er do well until tragedy sets in, then, well, that’s when the impurities from the bathtub rust take effect…

… and shit gets real

A Toast

Right from the beginning sequence, overlaid with narration from some kid delivering a spot-on Jesco White impression, somehow, you can tell you’re in for something different.  The first twenty minutes, recounting Jesco’s rip-roarin’, lighter fluid-pilferin’ childhood, are pure gold, as the filmmakers interweave that narration, cunningly deployed music, and snappy editing into what would stand as one of the best short films I’ve ever seen if it was just that.

The film unfortunately suffers a bit once we got around to adult Jesco, which certainly isn’t the lead, Edward Hogg’s (Anonymous), fault.  His performance is all tics, crazy eyes, and impeccably deliveredWest Virginia hillbilly accent, which is especially impressive when you learn he’s English.  Part of the drop off is the necessary drama that seeps in, which is fine when you consider… Holy shit, is that Carrie Fisher?

I had no idea Time took things so personally

As the movie goes along things start to unglue along with the protagonist’s psyche, and the violence escalates some of it, like when we learn just how inelastic a head meets glass ashtray reaction really would be, is kinda awesome.

Beer Two

Unfortunately, this is where the flick starts teetering over the line between portrayal and parody.  A good time to reach for this beer is when Fisher gets up to sing a country tune in her K-Mart brand “Magic Unicorn” sweatshirt.  Maybe weep a few tears into it before you take a sip.

You’re already trying to find where to buy this, aren’t you?  You Goddam hipster.

Beer Three

The ending is pretentious bullshit of the worst sort.  What?  I have to elaborate? Fine.  Slasher Violence.  Pseudo-Biblical Rambling.  Hallucinations.  Christ Imagery.  Fade to Sky.  Just be drunk already, Okay?

Verdict

This is wacked out, grotesque, and just about eh best way imaginable to adapt the Jesco White story into a feature film.  Grab some magic markers, a gas-soaked rag, or, if you insist, a few beers and hunt this bastard down on Netflix or Amazon tonight.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time there’s dancing

Take a Drink: every time there’s huffing

Take a Drink: every time a gun is wielded or shot

Do a Shot: I’m a sea turtle!

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a substance is abused

Take a Drink: every time you unconsciously reach for the phone to call DCFS

Take a Drink: every time you spot a missing tooth

Take a Drink: for every sound effect

Do a Shot: for unsolicited and horrifying nudity

Read the full The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (2009) Review

The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

Ten years after PBS’s short profile of Jesco White, the Dancing Outlaw, the surprising reach of the half hour television special manifested itself in the form of another documentary film crew descending on his corner ofWest Virginia.  The focus this time was on the rest of the White clan, who we caught glimpses of in the original.  If anything, they are even more substance-addled, petty criminal, and irresistibly magnetic as Jesco, and their appeal as subjects is unsurprising.  The identity of the production company, however…

Kinda makes a lot of sense, actually

A Toast

Turning bad decision making into addicting entertainment is Dickhouse and Johnny Knoxville’s forte, and the saga of the Whites is chock full of bad decisions.  Make no mistake, some of these make for solid, if peculiar entertainment.  Their parties are like car crashes, beautiful destruction and mangled bodies that you can’t tear your eyes away from, even if you feel like you should.

I think his given name is “Car Wreck”

(Photo Credit)

The filmmakers also make an admirable attempt at putting all the drugs, carousing, and petty crime into a social context.  Their theory is that the inherent hopelessness of the lives of miners, who live constantly with potential death and financial ruin looming above them, has been bred into the family line, and it stays even after they’ve left the mines.  What the footage itself makes clear is that they’re right in laying the blame at the feat of parenting, at least.

This movie shows exactly why DCFS exists.  The staggering amount of bad parenting on display in this film is made all the more tragic when you realize that these people really do love their children.  They know how to mouth words like ‘education’ and ‘better future’, but have no idea how these things actually happen.  Watching this might not be pure entertainment, but it’s essential to understanding how a group of people gets to this point.

Beer Two

It’s hard to see whether the hard-hitting serious stuff was on purpose or not when the soundtrack and editing is so goddam stupid.  Turns out the skills you develop shooting an episode of Jackass aren’t universally transferable.

Who’d a thunk?

Beer Three

This applies doubly to sound effects.  Unless you’re a morning talk show host, No, just No.  And if you’re a morning talk show host, I’d recommend Drano, but the hell you’re already trapped in is punishment enough.

Yes, I catch your subliminal “Kill Me” messages, but I’m ignoring them on purpose

Beer Four

There’s a thin line between documenting an outrageous lifestyle and glorifying it, a line that Dickhouse covered in blood and feces a long time ago.  The difference between running Bam Margera through a taser obstacle course and hopping your eight year old up on caffeine (and yellow jackets? Caffeine never did that to me.) until he starts making frighteningly convincing death threats on your boyfriend should probably be obvious, but this documentary is too busy looking for the right ‘boink’ noise for when he slips in the shiv.

Verdict

If you need another hit of West Virginia Whites action, this’ll do the trick, but don’t confuse it with competent documentary.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a substance is abused

Take a Drink: every time you unconsciously reach for the phone to call DCFS

Take a Drink: every time you spot a missing tooth

Take a Drink: for every sound effect

Do a Shot: for unsolicited and horrifying nudity

The record-store chain filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection the next day… coincidence?

In a few months we shall see the release of The Dark Knight Rises, the third and final film in Christopher Nolan’s vision of the Batman series. And of course, along the way, there will be a new Spiderman thrown in for good measure. Comic book geeks are becoming so well-laid that cases of carpal tunnel syndrome are expected to reach pandemic proportions.

Not to burst anyone’s bubble, but something has to give.  Hollywood simply doesn’t have the proper facilities to fellate this many nerds at one time.

San Diego on the other hand…

The fact remains that there is a lot riding on these films; and with a production cost set at slightly more than the GDP of Azerbaijan, investors are certainly feeling the pinch. History is already being written about the financial triumph that is The Avengers, but what of Batman? Well, if you ask me…

(5.) The Nolan films are too heavy handed

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that Christopher Nolan’s Batman films are bad, or even too dark for my own tastes. But I will say that they are too dark for younger audiences, and therefore less likely for parents to  take their kids to see. The Avengers on the other hand blends colorful characters with clever humor. But more importantly, not once in the film is Iron Man faced with the moral decision of saving Pepper Potts, or allowing a busload of schoolchildren to be dissolved in a vat of acid.

Ok, so maybe the decision isn’t so difficult…

(4.) Batman is only one guy

Love it or hate it, 2005′s Batman Begins divided audiences; it was with 2008′s The Dark Knight that the excitement for Christopher Nolan’s franchise really began.  Iron Man came out in 2008 as well, which is most certainly the film that launched fans into a Marvel frenzy.  So, we have had the same amount of time to hype both series, time that Marvel Studios has used to produce four more fairly successful films, all of which tie directly into the story of The Avengers movie.  Meanwhile, The Dark Knight Rises was being filmed in extreme secrecy, and was only revealed to your average filmgoer in the form of a teaser trailer a little less than a year ago.

The Avengers has three superhero characters that have proven to be bankable (four if you count the Incredible Hulk). Plus the series features Samuel L. Jackson and is directed by that weird white guy with a creepy foot fetish.

Not this white guy, the other one…

(3.) Catwoman has never worked (in movies)

Michelle Pfieffer’s turn as Catwoman in Batman Returns was always the film’s weakest aspect, a boring attempt to give Michael Keaton a love interest, as well as provide the film with a second villain to pad the runtime.  And the only good thing to come out of Halle Berry’s version was her being the only actress to personally accept the Razzie Award for worst actress.  I guess I should say something about Julie Newmar or Lee Meriwether from the Adam West iteration of Batman…

At least she didn’t act like a pussy all the time…

(2.) Who in the shit is Bane?

As anyone who has been to Comic-Con knows, the Comics themselves have become a side-attraction to the movies, cartoon series, video games and other media. And, let’s face it, the average Joe-consumer is able to name maybe three or four villains off the top of their head. What made The Dark Knight work so well was the fact that Heath Ledger and Aaron Eckhart took two of the most well-known comic villains of all time and brilliantly put a spin on them, one that was both fun to watch and disturbing to contemplate.

Bane is a cool villain, and definitely a unique choice as the bad-guy who presents Christian Bale’s Batman with his biggest challenge. But unless Joe Whitey McConsumer decides to google Bane, they are likely to go into The Dark Knight Rises with the following expectations:

This isn’t good for anybody…

(1.) And speaking of expectations…

There were about a million potential problems with combining all the Marvel Heroes into a two and a half hour epic, not the least of which being fan and critic expectations. Yet the film managed to successfully surmount the issues. Looking at the nearly unanimous praise The Avengers has received, it is only understandable that The Dark Knight Rises is facing a huge challenge. Indeed, living up to such lofty expectations is going to be difficult, near impossible… but  Christopher Nolan is up to the task, if anyone is.  I can’t help but feel the pangs of future disappointment though.

And, in conclusion, I…

I… really…

I…

Do you agree with Oberst? Or are you now plotting his assassination?  Leave a comment below!

Dancing Outlaw (1991) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for Grade A hillbillyin’

Take a Drink: every time there’s dancin’

Take a Drink: every time you see or hear Elvis

Take a Drink: every time D-Ray White is mentioned

Take a Drink: every time domestic violence is threatened

Bonus Bonus Dancing Outlaw II Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for nauseating 90’s kitsch (just keep on drinkin’)

Take a Drink: every time you see Tim Allen or Roseanne Barr attempt to make human faces

Read the full Dancing Outlaw (1991) & Dancing Outlaw II (1999) Review

Dancing Outlaw (1991) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

In 1991, PBS set off a minor sensation with their half-hour documentary short Dancing Outlaw.  It’s popularity would spawn a sequel, if that’s what you want to call it, as well as a feature film and a Johnny Knoxville-produced follow-up documentary.  It also would make its subject, Jesco White, the self-proclaimed most famous man in West Virginia, which maybe isn’t as hard as it sounds. 

Google Image Search for “Famous People West Virginia” gets you Brad Paisley, Don Knotts, and this kid

It’s popularity was due to the undeniable magnetism of White as he discussed his violent and tragic upbringing and family history in between furious tapping sessions.  But it also probably had something to do with the edge of danger and creeping insanity in the man, who tells us himself that a chunk of his brain is “sawdust” due to years of huffing whatever he could, and whose ugly side comes out more than once as he threatens his wife and others.

So, of course, Dancing Outlaw II: Jesco Goes to Hollywood gets made, because the 90s.  The serious nature of the first documentary is thrown out the window in favor of staged scenes and broad comedy, as wacky ‘ol Jesco gets an (actual)  invite to cameo on Roseanne….

The Horror!

A Toast

There’s a reason why this much material has sprung up out of a humble 30 minute made for TV documentary (check back later today for the feature film adaptation and the Johnny Knoxville-produced follow-up documentary).  Jesco and the whole White clan make for some extremely interesting material.  Rural West Virginia has one of the most insular, peculiar cultures in the country, and even in a world where moonshiners and multi-generational feuds persist, the Whites brand of troublemaking stands out.

Dancing Outlaw only touches on that a bit, but singles out Jesco as the most eccentric highlight of the bunch.  Besides the huffing, the dancing, and the violent stories, he also has an epic Elvis fixation, and his relationship with his wife, who’s easily old enough to be his mother, provokes an odd fascination.

Also, his voice is Werner Herzog-level unique

The documentary is bare-bones, letting its subjects talk for themselves and cutting in the occasional party scene, but that’s all that’s needed.  Fancy edits and extraneous material would just dilute the good stuff and filter out the true emotion that bubbles to the surface throughout.  Any moonshiner could tell you that keeping things straight and strong is the way to go.

Beer Two

The simple style of the documentary may have more to do with resources than craftsmanship.  A couple of dumb flourishes, like opening the film with banjos and a shoe thrown at a road sign, indicate that if the filmmakers had had enough cash, they probably would have funneled it into cheesy bullshit.

Beer Three

I can say that with confidence, because Dancing Outlaw II is nothing but.  I did mention the sequel in the Toast section for a reason.  It starts off with an awkwardly staged sitcom  credits-style send0ff of Jesco by his wife, which goes over great if you just finished the first one, with White’s threats to beat her ass ringing in your ears (I guess he didn’t… or did so really effectively?) then a motherfucking chicken sings a country song.  Things go downhill from there.

Singing chickens fill me with rage.  If I were SG2, I could blame the repressed memories.

Beer Four

It probably isn’t news to you that Tom Arnold and Roseanne Barr are terrible human beings.  That they would watch Dancing Outlaw and come away thinking, “Looks like fodder for some broad idiot comedy!” isn’t entirely objectionable, I guess.  But that they’d be flabbergasted that a drug-addled white trash ex-con has a crude swastika tattoo on his hand, then passively-aggressively attack him about it even after it’s clear he doesn’t understand what’s going on probably is (It’s some German symbol, I think.”)  It’s not the documentary’s fault that it and White got caught in the crossfire of Arnold and Barr’s increasingly poisonous relationship, but a beer sure makes it more palatable to watch.

A warning: It might also make you want to try to punch that smug look off of Arnold’s face right through your TV screen

Verdict

Reviewing these two as a whole is a bit unconventional, although any copy of Dancing Outlaw you’re likely to track down will likely have the sequel and an additional 30 minutes of unused interviews.  You might as well watch them all, just to see how to do a short form documentary properly and how to set fire to the entire concept.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for Grade A hillbillyin’

Take a Drink: every time there’s dancin’

Take a Drink: every time you see or hear Elvis

Take a Drink: every time D-Ray White is mentioned

Take a Drink: every time domestic violence is threatened

Bonus Bonus Dancing Outlaw II Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for nauseating 90’s kitsch (just keep on drinkin’)

Take a Drink: every time you see Tim Allen or Roseanne Barr attempt to make human faces

Here we go again!  Studios finally broke open their new release coffers this week, and we have a crush of films to talk about.  In case you were wondering, those films do not include Sid the Science Kid, Rape of the Vampire, eCupid: Love on the Download, or Hitler and the Bitch of Buchenwald.  My sincerest apologies.

Chronicle -

Chronicle (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Melding found footage and anything these days seems pretty uninspired, but this one does a pretty good job of using the increasingly hackneyed technique to tell a superhero origin story.  As The Cinepiliac mentions in her review, it’s not entirely a success, but it’s well worth a watch.

Read the Review

The Grey -

The Grey (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Liam Neeson vs. Wolves (with a hearty helping of existential crisis).  If you need more than that, you might want to check your pulse.  Oberst von Berauscht brings the details:

Read the Review

The Devil Inside -

The Devil Inside (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Found footage again, in a more familiar package: possession horror.  Some critics savaged this one, but The Cinephiliac counsels if you keep your expectations low and beer supply handy you just might enjoy it.

Read the Review

One for the Money -

One for the Money (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Poor, poor Katherine Heigl.  I hope I never cross paths with the gypsy crone that cursed her to an eternity making low-brow romcom drivel.  Oberst Von Berauscht backs up each and every of the easy six beers this one draws:

Read the Review

Albert Nobbs -

Albert Nobbs (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

I really wanted for Glenn Close’s long in development labor of love to be much better than it was, but this story of a woman masquerading as a man in 19th century Ireland ends up much to saccharine and conventional to give a pass.

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Rampart -

Rampart (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Tales of cops spiraling out of control don’t get a lot darker than this.  Watch Woody Harrelson hit rock bottom, bounce a bit, then hit it again.  Great performance, but if the narrative had lived up to it we really might have had something special.

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Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Barnaby says “indeed”

Take a Drink: every time he does a double take

Take a Drink: for every classic song that you hear and recognize.

Take a Drink: every time Chloe Mortez’s character scowls and/or pouts.

Take a Drink: every time a woman seduces Barnaby.

Take a Drink:  every time you wonder what Angelique isn’t capable of.

Read the full Dark Shadows (2012) Review

If you were born after the baby boomer generation then you may not be familiar with the legacy of Dark Shadows. In 1966 Dan Curtis’ gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows, premiered on ABC. It was a show that revolved around the Collins family estate and the supernatural happenings that take place in Collins’ home. The soap opera received mixed reviews initially until its second season introduced the vampire Barnabas Collins which thrust the show into a new found popularity. Word on the street is, at its height Dark Shadows was an impressive, well-loved show, so much so that upon cancellation fans threatened to protest the decision by crashing the set of the show that replaced it, Passwords. With its heavy focus on the supernatural, Dark Shadows paved the way for more paranormal oriented television shows like ABC’s soap opera Passions and Joss Whedon’s cult classic, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Dark Shadows made such an impact that as a youth Johnny Depp claimed to have been obsessed with Barnabas Collins to the point of wanting to be him. That’s why it makes sense that he would jump at the opportunity to do his own portrayal of the cryptic vampire in Tim Burton’s retelling of the classic series—because it certainly couldn’t have been because the script was something impressive. But then again, considering Depp’s film choices over the decades shows he is prone to choosing his fair share of rotten eggs.

Have you seen The Astronaut’s Wife? Don’t. It’s bad.

Dark Shadows begins with the back story of Barnaby, a once youthful attractive man courting the love of his life. However, when a jealous witch who has fallen in love with him disapproves of the relationship, she places a curse upon the Collins family and condemns Barnaby to be buried alive as a vampire. Two centuries go by and he is accidentally dug up and recovered in 1972, returning to his beloved estate to care for the dysfunctional distant relatives now residing in his home and struggling to keep themselves and the family business afloat.

A Toast

Tim Burton always has been and always will be a visionary mastermind and Dark Shadows is just drenched in Tim Burton-ness. Images within the film are bright and vibrant despite being contrasted against dark and drab backdrops. Set in the 1800s with low lighting and a black and gray color scheme, Burton still somehow creates a luminous world in which even the faces of characters glow thanks to digitized post effects.

Although I didn’t experience the 1970s first hand, it seems to be captured authentically throughout the film. It’s not flashy and campy as most films would portray a specific decade, but instead it’s almost downplayed after the first half of the film and at times there’s even an authentic grain as if some scenes were shot on film instead of digitally. Also the world of Collinsport, in which Barnaby and the Collins reside, seems fairy tale-like with its enormous landscapes. Of course, because it’s Tim Burton, the town the Collins estate is found in sits near an enormous cliff padded with large boulders and gushing water, making this story of vampires, witches, and ghosts that much more believable because of the world they exist in is.

How do you make the 1800s, the 1970s, and cloudy rainy days look vibrant? Only Tim Burton knows.

Beer Two

The story feels like it’s going around in circles between Barnaby and Angelique constantly fighting and her attempting to seduce him repeatedly. Also, one would think a film about a vampire condemned to burial and awoken in the 1970s would be a romping comedy with hilarious hijinks, and it kind of is.  However, Dark Shadow quickly becomes a one trick pony. Nearly every single joke relies on the generational gap of Barnaby and his surroundings with very few of the jokes straying from that formula. Nearly everything is set up to remind you that Barnaby is new to this world and while it makes for humorous moments it gets older than flogging a dead horse to make it pull a load (idiom fans will appreciate that).

Beer Three

The development of character relationships throughout Dark Shadows is rather weak and almost paper thin. Dark Shadows starts off introducing Victoria Winters, a women looking to start a new life as a teacher for the strange and youngest member of the Collins family, David. Yet after the introduction of Barnaby, Victoria is forgotten about and only briefly seen with Barnaby until the film’s climax, therefore never giving audiences the chance to get a true sense of their relationship and the connection they feel for each other. Instead Dark Shadows puts too much focus on the past and present relationship of Barnaby and Angelique. Had the focus on relationships been inverted, I would have cared about the fate of Barnaby and Victoria’s relationship instead of my focus at the film’s climax being when the credits would start.

Oh yeah, this story started off about you… sorry what’s your name and story again?

Beer Four

The same weakness in relationship development can be said for the development of secondary characters as well. The film features an ensemble of family members, but most of them are wasted as just standard pawns only present to move the plot along and in different directions. Throughout the entire film I felt like I didn’t know the true intentions or understand any of the characters outside of Barnaby and Angelique. Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, Elizabeth Collins, is given an air of mystery and mistrust at the film’s beginning, but that all inexplicably goes out the window as she turns out to be a much less sinister figure than we are led to believe. On the other hand, Chloe Mortez as Elizabeth’s daughter, Carolyn, doesn’t develop to be much other than an annoying Lolita whose cues never go beyond being the angst ridden vixen teenager. When she’s not delivering every line with a scowl, she appears to be trying to seduce everyone in her path.

Verdict

If it weren’t for the somewhat original story and Johnny Depp, who is just phenomenal as a character actor, Dark Shadows would have been a complete waste of time. When Depp’s not on screen everything is just melodramatic time filler that never truly amounts to anything memorable. Dark Shadows isn’t terrible but it’s far from impressive. It reminds me that as much as I would like to believe that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are a dream team, the only thing noteworthy they are doing together these days is telling stylistically different stories. Nothing more, nothing less.  Dark Shadows is entertaining, but the same enjoyment can be had from watching a high budget film on the Syfy Channel.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Barnaby says “indeed”

Take a Drink: every time he does a double take

Take a Drink: for every classic song that you hear and recognize.

Take a Drink: every time Chloe Mortez’s character scowls and/or pouts.

Take a Drink: every time a woman seduces Barnaby.

Take a Drink:  every time you wonder what Angelique isn’t capable of.

Here’s some titillating news for ya: Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead) and Chris O’Dowd (the cop from Bridesmaids) are teaming up for competitive salsa dancing comedy.  Cuban Fury will tell the tale of a former teen salsa superstar (Frost), who takes up dancing again to face off against the dancer who destroyed his career (O’Dowd).  This all gives me a British Blades of Glory vibe that sounds pretty awesome, although before you get too excited you should know that it was British tabloid The Sun that broke the story.  If you’re unfamiliar with them, they have a track record that makes The National Enquirer look like a bastion of journalistic integrity.

Admittedly, quality has improved ever since they installed Batboy as Editor-in-Chief

Frederico Fellini won great acclaim making introspective, arthouse films that smudged the line dividing the real and the surreal.  Just a few years ago, the musical adaptation Nine tried to capture some of his genius by telling the story of the making of his masterpiece, 8 1/2.  The results were pretty mixed, but that hasn’t stopped Homeland creator Henry Bromwell from writing and directing Fellini Black and White.  This film will investigate the mystery of what the director was up to when he disappeared a few nights before the 1957 Oscars only to reappear just in time for the ceremony.  Brazilian actor Wagner Moura (Elite Squad) is the very interesting choice to play Fellini, with Terrence Howard, Peter Dinklage, and William H. Macy in support.  So, what was Fellini up to during that time?  The official synopsis involves jazz, surfing, and veterinarians for some reason, but don’t discount terrorist abduction and brainwashing.

You know, normal mysterious disappearance stuff…

Remember when Owen Wilson starred in action movies?  It’s been awhile, ten years by my count, depending on how you classify Starsky & Hutch and how that proves you never saw it.  Well, he’s gotten around to lining up another one, The Coup with John Erick Dowdle, the director of Devil, which you probably thought M. Knight Shyamalan did.  In it he’ll play a family man forced to protect the domicile with his secret government training when a coup threatens the Southeast Asian country they live in.  This all doesn’t sound like the greatest fit for Wilson, but perhaps they’ll finally get around to explaining that nose.

It looks like whoever tried to fix it attempted to punch it back in place

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every skewing of bad television or radio

Take a Drink: for every murderous fantasy/actual murder

Do A Shot: for every speech that lasts longer than 20 seconds

Read the full God Bless America (2012) review

By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Hey, remember Bobcat Goldthwait? 

Now you do

Well, he hasn’t acted in a studio film in nearly a decade, preferring to nurture and appear in the product of his second career- director.  Ever since debuting with the “Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies”, Shakes the Clown, he’s directed a host of dark, dark dramedies with tagline-friendly hooks, including the “relationship drama with bestiality” Sleeping Dogs Lie and the Robin Williams-starring “reshaping the memory of your auto-asphyxiated son comedy” World’s Greatest Dad.

His latest follows Frank (Joel Murray), who gets fired and finds out he has a terminal illness on the same day.  Fed up with life, he considers suicide, but decides to do something more “constructive” after he witnesses a spoiled brat freak out when she doesn’t get the car she wanted on a Super Sweet Sixteen-like show.  After killing her, he gains a perky sixteen year old acolyte in Roxy (Tara Lynne Barr) and goes roadtrippin’ with her to gun down the worst of society: singing show contestants, gay bashers, conservative talk radio hosts, and, shudder, people who talk in movie theaters.

The truly unforgivable

A Toast

The film starts with a shotgun fantasy with a loud-ass baby filling in for the clay pigeons.  The extent to which you are able to handle and/or laugh at that will go a long way towards telling you how much you’ll like this movie. When you couple this violence with its unceasing and on the nose pop culture parodies, God Bless America comes off like an uberviolent, ubernasty Idiocracy.  Nothing about that isn’t awesome.

Goldthwait is also preaching to the choir with his liberal views and hatred of stupid morning talk radio and idiotic ringtone culture.  If you’re not in that choir, it might be time to look for a new denomination, because this movie clearly isn’t for you.  He does one better than just reminding his audience of things they hate, setting up his targets so beautifully that you can’t help but cheer when they get knocked down.

Beer Two

Still, he’s awfully goddam preachy.  After reading an AV Club interview with him recently, I learned that Goldthwait intended for Frank’s long, windy speeches to progressively show how the character was spiraling out of control.  Maybe I’m missing something, but Frank’s speech in the first fifteen minutes and his one before the finale sound almost exactly the same to me.

Beer Three

I wouldn’t be so against this if the film’s message was at all consistent.  It falls into its own trap- denouncing being shocking for shocking’s sake on television and how that mindset is ruining comedy.  Then it up and shotguns a baby.  You could say that that is itself a clever, ridiculously over-emphasized way to underscore your point (even though that point is made later, not before), but you’re forgetting that this entire movie is about murdering people that suck.  It’s fighting fire with fire.

And that always works

Beer Four

Ditto for Roxy, who they go out of their way to desexualize and in the process end up sexualizing even more.  Goldthwait’s insistence on repeatedly going back to the well of Frank refusing her advances smacked of “milady doth protest too much”.  I wasn’t the biggest fan of Roxy’s character in the first place, who Frank keeps comparing to Juno to piss her off.  She owes a lot more to Ellen Page’s character from Super, though, which isn’t much of a compliment.

Her liner notes just said “Sassy, Criminally Insane, Jailbaity”

Verdict

This movie doesn’t have as much to say as it thinks it does, but ultimately it’s pretty damn good at providing what it rails against- cheap vicarious thrills.  Especially if you have the same stance on Fred Phelps and Glenn Beck, grab some beers and enjoy the carnage.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every skewing of bad television or radio

Take a Drink: for every murderous fantasy/actual murder

Do A Shot: for every speech that lasts longer than 20 seconds

The Retreat (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a past tragedy is referred to or hinted at

Take a Drink: every time somebody tries to fuck with somebody else’s head

Take a Drink: every time someone busts some wood

Do a Shot: for every reversal of roles

Read the full Retreat (2011) Review

The Retreat (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

The psychological thriller genre’s always been a bit of a head-scratcher for me.  It’s not quite drama, not quite horror, now quite action… and for such a thematic bastard child, it’s usually pretty formulaic: A) a protagonist (or romantic pair of protagonists) with B) a past secret or tragedy C) find themselves in a dangerous situation they don’t understand, D) facing a mysterious antagonist.  Red herring, red herring, plot twist, facing up to fear/past, confrontation, role reversal?, plot twist, the end… or is it?  Even subverting these conventions has itself become pretty conventional, so it’s becoming increasingly hard for me to get all that excited about thrillers these days.

If that was boring, read it again while imagining this monkey saying it

Retreat is solidly in this territory.  It tells the story of A) a married couple played by Cillian Murphy and Thandie Newton dealing with B) the loss of a child, who take a vacation on a remote Scottish isle where they first kindled their romance.  Nobody else resides on the island, so when D) a mysterious stranger (Jamie Bell) with a pistol shows up on their doorstep, with the tale of a global pandemic and insisting that they C) hole up in their cottage against a possible assault from the infected, things begin to spin out of control.

A Toast

Retreat does one thing well that often sinks unsuccessful thrillers.  It takes its time introducing us to Murphy andNewton’s characters and examining how the loss of their child has colored their relationship.  So, when inevitable danger comes their way, our empathy raises the stakes.  Textbook stuff, but too often done poorly.

All of the leads do a good job with their parts, but the one that has to do the most heavy lifting ultimately is Jamie Bell, and he does it with aplomb.  He’s a standard mysterious psychotic for a good chunk of the film, but when a plot twist throws a wrinkle into this he really gets to shine.  Also, you have to raise your glass to a man who can be convincing as a dangerous badass after starting his career playing an adolescent ballet dancer.

Billy Elliot’s had some hard times since we last saw him

Lastly, I have to toast the demented, balls-to-the-wall ending.  Thrillers in particular are dependent on sticking the landing, and this film does a good job of that.

Beer Two

Unfortunately, it keeps derailing its momentum on the way there.  The movie’s only about 90 minutes, but it feels like they only had enough ideas for 70.  It’s padding gets pretty repetitive.

Beer Three

Ditto the violin-heavy score.  If you’re forced to resort to overdramatic music to get the audience to feel, then you’re doing everything wrong.  If the actors are creating empathy all on their own, punt the score.

Beer Four

This last beer goes to that super-boring introduction.  There are a couple of twists that are effective, and I liked the ending, but I ultimately couldn’t shake my been-there, done-that feeling about the movie.

Cillian Murphy, isolation, global pandemic… nope, not ringing any bells

Verdict

It’s nothing special, but if you need to scratch your ‘thriller’ itch you could do a lot worse.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a past tragedy is referred to or hinted at

Take a Drink: every time somebody tries to fuck with somebody else’s head

Take a Drink: every time someone busts some wood

Do a Shot: for every reversal of roles

I keep forgetting how stupid prolific novelist and screenwriter Nick Hornby is until I see him attached to another couple of projects.  Besides writing the original novels High Fidelity, Fever Pitch, and About a Boy, he also wrote the Oscar-nominated script for An Education.  His next novel to be optioned was A Long Way Down, which tells the story of four people who run into each other on New Year’s Day in a location… where they all planned to commit suicide.  Pierce Brosnan will play a talk show host in the midst of a scandal, Toni Collette will be the mother of a disabled son, and Emile Hirsch will handle the role of a pizza delivery guy who gave up his dreams for his girlfriend only to have her dump him.  No word yet on No word yet on who’ll play the foul-mouthed teen girl with family issues.  Since it’s Hornby, expect a more hopeful tone than the details would suggest, although if he decided to go all J-Horror on us, that would ratchet up my interest just a bit more…

Although I guess the fact that not all of the characters are school girls makes that remote.

Hey, look, Nick Hornby again.  This time he’s in screenwriter mode, adapting Colm Toibin’s novel Brooklyn with the white-hot Rooney Mara attached to star as an Irish woman in the 50s who emigrates to theU.S. A love triangle develops when she falls for an Italian plumber but is then called back toIreland by some tragic news, and meets a man there.  She’s forced to choose between not just the two men, but her old and new lives.

Things look bad for Mario, but I’m rooting for him…

Hey, look, Rooney Mara again.  She’s been one of the most in-demand actresses in the business after The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, and the next project she’s landed is Ain’t Them Bodies Saints.  Casey Affleck and Ben Foster will co-star in a tale of a con who escapes from prison and treks across Texas to meet up with his wife and young daughter.  No word on roles yet, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and tab Mara for the wife.  There’s apparently a Bonnie & Clyde angle to it all as well, so perhaps after he reunites the family they all go on a killing spree together.  While we’re spitballin’, with the kid involved maybe they can tag it as “like Baby Geniuses, but with hyperviolence.”

Although that might have been in the original as well… to lazy to verify.

Fire and Ice (1983) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Nekron’s name is mentioned

Take a Drink: each time the word fire or ice is used

Drink a Shot: for obligatory boobage

Read the Full Fire and Ice (1983) Review

Fire and Ice (1983) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Four Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

In the year 1983 Heavy Metal and Conan the Barbarian made love, and from their womb was born Fire and Ice, proving that the combination of two incredibly awesome things becomes something that is kinda awesome, but also sort of stupid, though really awesomely stupid, with a side of chicken and rice.  It is a world where the good King lives in a volcano, and the evil Ice Queen lives in a glacial palace.  Where women can go around in a string bikini and never catch so much as a cold.  Most importantly, it is a world straight out of a Molly Hatchet album cover.

Somewhere a Frank Frazetta fan is getting hard…

A Toast

Some people wonder why they cannot make cartoons like this anymore.  There are several reasons.  For one thing rotoscoping and hand drawn animation is just too much work when computers do half the job.  Also, animated films are haunted by a stigma that they must be safe for the viewing of younger audiences. In truth, if they allowed cartoons to become any more badass than this, there would be nothing left for future generations to accomplish.

I think I just shat a battleaxe

Beer Two

Cynthia Leake, the voice of Princess Teegra, delivers her dialog in much the same way that a skilled actress wouldn’t.  She seems bored with her character, and who could really blame her?  Teegra is the Lois Lane of the ancient world, being captured, rescued, recaptured, and rescued again at least three times in this 80 minute movie.

Above: Teegra’s real purpose for appearing in this film.

While I cannot fault the filmmakers for their love of the curvy bits of the female build… No, I guess I can’t fault them on that at all… come to think of it, what am I complaining about?

Beer Three

While the film does steal wholesale from previous fantasy adventures, it does manage to bring the awesome, embodied in Darkwolf.

Even Chuck Norris would have his man-babies

Beer Four

Rotoscoping is an unusual form of animation, essentially just painting over live action footage, but it certainly has its place in animation, especially for filmmakers trying to make their animated movements as human-like as possible.  However this film takes rotoscoping to the extreme.  Nearly every shot is done using this method, giving the film an otherworldly feel that might have otherwise not been present.  Sometimes I wonder what the film would have looked like if they’d left out the animated cells and just shot it live-action.

Yeah… that’s pretty much it.

Verdict

With enough blood and sex to fill what is, on second thought, a rather unpleasant sandwich, Fire and Ice delivers the goods.  Certainly the message delivered is the classic one of good vs evil, but at least that message has tits.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Nekron’s name is mentioned

Take a Drink: each time the word fire or ice is used

Drink a Shot: for obligatory boobage

It didn’t take Gary Ross long to bounce back after bailing on the Hunger Games sequel, but then again a half a billion GWs and still going will do that for you.  He has a few projects that he’s been attached to in the past that could get exhumed, but if he wants to get back on the big budget horse right away it looks like Houdini will be his mount.  The script is based on an exciting, although historically dubious, book that contested that magician and escape artist Harry Houdini was also a spy for England and the Secret Service as well as a player in pre-Communist Russia.  The tone they’re shooting for is somewhere between Sherlock Holmes and Indiana Jones, and expect to start hearing Johnny Depp and Robert Downey, Jr. rumors any time now.

Although, Hugh Jackman and his cloning machine would both be a fit and explain a lot…

One entertainment news story I just can’t resist is the “stacked cast” one.  Now, I have a broader definition of that than some folks, but I think we can agree that any cast with Ben Kingsley, John Malkovich, Armie Hammer, and Michael Sheen qualifies.  They’ll all be taking part in the long-gestating Black List script project Cut Bank, which follows a mechanic and former high school football star whose quest to get out of his small town existence threatens both himself and the town as a whole.  Another thing I’m a sucker for: “X meets Y” descriptions.  And “John Ford by way of David Fincher” has a particularly nice ring to it, no?

“What’s in the box? What’s in the box?!”

The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman is also lining up a pretty deep cast, with Shia LaBoeuf starring and Melissa Leo, Evan Rachel Wood, and Mads Mikkelsen in support.  LaBoeuf will play a man who falls in love with Wood, who has ties to a violent Serbian war criminal and gangster (Mikkelsen), who beats LaBoeuf’s ass repeatedly and to the point where he’s faced with a terrible choice.  If that sounds fairly conventional to you, Leo will be playing his mother… who’s dead and pops up to advise him occasionally.  Oh, and Moby will score the thing.  Not that that matters- you’ll watch just to see LaBoeuf take some punches, something that he apparently does with regularity.

You know that guy’s yelling “Transformers!”

Bonnie and Clyde (1967) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Blanche screams, and hope she shuts the fuck up soon

Take a Drink: for every onscreen murder

Drink a Shot: for Banjo music!

Read the full Bonnie and Clyde review

Bonnie and Clyde (1967) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Three Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow ran the country ragged in the early 1930′s, robbing banks and killing police all over the heartland.  So naturally they were the perfect protagonists to sensationalize and the media did so with gusto.  Arthur Penn’s biopic has been seen by critics as a landmark film for its brutal violence, casual sexual attitude, and independent spirit. This is the movie that would usher in a generation of studio films with an artistic focus; The Godfather, Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, Blacula…

They can’t all be this awesome

A Toast

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway own their roles, disappearing deeply into their anti-heros and delivering truly unique performances.  Beatty’s Clyde is a big talking, but ultimately impotent man, who is given the right push forward by the playful nature and strong personality of Bonnie.  She gets him to try to make something of himself. By “make something”, I of course mean become a sociopathic murderer.  The influence this film had on the film industry was considerable, and it is certainly laudatory given the obvious budgetary constraints.

Beer Two

Some of the film’s aspects have aged poorly, the portrayal of Texas Ranger Hamer for instance as a bumbling fortune seeker.  Not only does this portrayal contrast sharply with history, it hurts the suspension of disbelief considerably.  Also the character of Blanche (Estelle Parsons) is an obnoxious harpy-like creature.  Estelle Parsons essentially made it through the movie shrieking like a banshee in heat swinging a bag of frightened bunny rabbits, while being devoured by a wolf.

She won an Oscar for this, by the way.

Beer Three

In the movie the gang uses Thompson Sub Machine guns in place of the BAR rifles they carried in real life… for some reason this just pisses me off.

Above: Not a Tommy Gun

Verdict

While definitely an influential film, and certainly entertaining, the wine is starting to taste like vinegar.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Blanche screams, and hope she shuts the fuck up soon

Take a Drink: for every onscreen murder

Drink a Shot: for Banjo music!

Dark Shadows -

It’s quite the contrast to preview a feverishly anticipated premiere which turned out to be the most massive opening weekend of all time (and will possibly trump Avatar for all-time gross) to now turn our attention to Dark Shadows. But, only because I don’t know what that is.

Join me in looking it up on Wikipedia, will you?

“Dark Shadows is an American gothic soap opera that originally aired weekdays on the ABC television network, from June 27, 1966, to April 2, 1971…The series became hugely popular when vampire Barnabas Collins (Jonathan Frid) appeared a year into its run. Dark Shadows also featured werewolves, zombies, man-made monsters, witches, warlocks, time travel, and a parallel universe.”

Whoa. Regular monsters and man-made? That sounds pretty righteous for a 60s soap opera. I would have figured 60s daytime TV to be more like this:

To say I have been disappointed in Johnny Depp’s roles as of late would be an understatement. He’s gone full Pacino. But, when he’s in his element—often a Tim Burton movie—not even a harsh case of the crotchpox can dampen my enthusiasm. I also like melodrama for comedic value and heavily stylized pieces that give a cult-ish and possibly even campy feel.

The witch, Angelique (Eva Green), has a reverse-gender Pepe Le Pew thing going on that creeps me out a tad.

Out of all of the cartoon skunks, Pepe is the rapiest!

The humour is certainly cheesy, and I must admit, I wasn’t too interested in this trailer at first, but it has a charm that’s grown on me—you guessed it—like a case of the crotchpox (irritating yet sexual?) However! Nothing tastes fresh about this, and I’d love to see Depp move beyond this tired ground. Helena Bonham Carter is sort of stuck supporting her hubs, but Depp really needs to move on.

Beer Prediction

This relies heavily on one’s particular taste since it retains the same cult feel as the original TV series. Ready a fourth.

Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you catch yourself rolling your eyes at some idiot move or choice one of the stereotypical dummies makes.

Take a Shot:  if you can spot Forrest J. Ackerman as one of the zombies. “Mr. Sci-fi” is one of the leading authorities on horror movies and also an author.

Chug a Beer: every time you see ultra fake looking lightning on screen.

Read the full Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988) Review

Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Christopher Young (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

1985 was such a fantastic year for movies. We got to see everything from Sly Stallone facing Dolph Lundgren in the ring to some kid stealing a Delorean and traveling back in time. Those were significant moments without a doubt, but the one other movie moment that I hold dear was at the hands of Return of the Living Dead and that damn Tarman.

As readers of this site may or may not already know, I reviewed the first movie and love it. If you want to see the review just click here. I only mention this movie again because I am reviewing the Return of the Living Dead series and next up is the 1988 sequel to one of the best all time zombie films, Return of the Living Dead Part II.

A Toast

It looks like our buddies Frank (James Karen) and Freddy (Thom Matthews) are making a comeback as Ed and Joey in unconnected roles from the first movie. There actually is nothing similar outside of the Trioxin 245 and what it does when you compare the first and second movie. Ed and Joey play the same types of characters in this movie as the last, kind of bumbling and goofy guys looking to make a few bucks off of the dead. So these two hole up in a mausoleum for the night as Ed works Joey into the understanding that stealing from the dead is ok, well, because they’re dead.

In a local suburb not far from the graveyard where the mausoleum is we find Jesse Wilson (Michael Kentworthy) and the local bully Billy Crowley (Thor Van Lingen) along with another boy bartering a comic so Jesse can reluctantly join their gang. The initiation does not go as planned, and Jesse decides he better run for it.

While the chase is on, the boys discover a barrel of Trioxin 245 in a local sewer drain (we saw this fall off a truck earlier because an Army private was too busy smoking a joint to notice). Billy and his sidekick decide to open the barrel and see what’s inside, releasing a gas that makes the boys sick and will eventually raise the dead.

Once again the makeup is top notch and even the zombie extras look terrific. At least a few great things carried over from the original.

Is something smoking?

Beer Two

The story is pretty uneventful and stereotypical. I could not think of a single point in the feature where I felt like something new was introduced or twisted to catch me off guard. At least with the last movie, things were so entertaining you honestly did not notice a lacking story or plot.

The movie from here will follow the same pretty standard formula of survival as the last installment and many other zombie flicks have. We will see additional new characters focused on like Jesse’s sister, a cable tv repair boy/man, and the doctor next store. All of these characters are overly stereotypical to the point of almost being annoying. The doctor was the only saving grace because he was sometimes funny.

Beer Three

An evacuation has taken place because of the chemical leak, but it seems everyone but the aforementioned folks were informed. Ed and Joey are busy trying to steal from the dead in the mausoleum and trying to reignite the character types they played in the first movie. This is cool but ultimately became annoying even to the point I was a little peeved they tried to rehash lines like “bite your tongue, boy, if you like this job” from the first movie. I get the point, but I don’t believe it worked. I will not go into the other story elements as to avoid spoiling this for anyone who might be looking to see it.

It is obvious from the get go, this movie is going for the funny ticket on top of the violence and gore that made the last one. I mean, come on; all the speaking zombie action and the aerobic zombie scene is funny, but it tends to over shadow the darkness of the original. One of the key reasons Return of the Living Dead worked so well had a lot to do with the careful mixing of horror and comedy all while keeping the story grounded, or as grounded as a movie about reanimated corpses eating brains can be.

Yes, that's a f**king crowbar in my head!

Beer Four

In a lot of zombie movies, the sense of panic comes from being trapped and knowing that death is right outside clawing it’s way in. In ROTLD II, we kept the characters moving and never actually forced them to establish a place of defense or somewhere they could meet their ultimate demise.

The effects were still remarkably solid, but overall the gore seemed to be lacking. I mean yes, we did have some moments like when a zombie’s skull is punched through that were gruesome, but there weren’t enough of these.

Verdict

Fans of the series have probably already stumbled through this less than perfect sequel. Personally I consider this a reimagining of the first movie as neither really have a connection outside of the chemical drums. If you have not seen this and dug the first one, give it a look. The movie pops up on Netflix instant streaming from time to time. In the off chance you have not seen the first, please do not see this one and assume the entire catalog is a loss… there are two others that rate even worse in the series.

Those damn barrels again!

Next up I will be reviewing Return of the Living Dead 3, which carried the most serious tone of any of the other five movies.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you catch yourself rolling your eyes at some idiot move or choice one of the stereotypical dummies makes.

Take a Shot:  if you can spot Forrest J. Ackerman as one of the zombies. “Mr. Sci-fi” is one of the leading authorities on horror movies and also an author.

Chug a Beer: every time you see ultra fake looking lightning on screen.

The Divide (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you say to yourself, “Wow, Sam is a giant wuss”.

Take a Drink: every time Ventimiglia’s character yells “Mickey!”

Do a Shot: every time someone literally pulls their hair out.

Read the full The Divide (2012) Review

The Divide (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Frankie B. (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.    

The Divide is seemingly another generic story about a nuclear attack on the United States and how a group of survivors deals with the aftermath of the events. Xavier Gens was tasked with taking this somewhat generic sounding story and making it something special and he does succeed. He also managed to pull great performances out of a large amount of the cast which is surprising because of all of the rumored bickering and line stealing while filming was taking place. He is definitely a young and talented director that should have great success in the future.

The story begins as a nuclear device is being detonated in downtown New York City, and shows the tenants of an apartment building scrambling to find cover. Only eight of the residents, Eva and her boyfriend Sam, Josh and his brother Adrien, Josh’s friend Bobby, Marilyn and her daughter Wendi, and Devlin manage to force their way into the building’s bomb shelter before the superintendent, Mickey, seals the door. After they seal the door to the outside is when the real terror sets in because they have no idea how long they will be down there and what is happening on the other side of the door. The movie concerns itself more with the concepts of order, anarchy, and morality than the bomb itself.

He didn’t make it into the shelter.

A Toast

I have seen a lot of movies that revolve around an apocalyptic event and this was the most realistic one I have seen besides The Road. The characters are just regular people and react the way normal people would outside of a few isolated incidents. Also, the performances of Michael Biehn, Milo Ventimiglia, and Michael Eklund are simply fantastic. Biehn gives his best performance since playing Hicks in Aliens. He is always a great part of every movie he is in and seems to be underappreciated in most roles, but the director really let him sink his teeth into the role of Mickey and it was great.

Ventimiglia finally proved that he can actually act because he had shown really little to no skill in most of his roles, but plays exceptionally well off of Michael Eklund throughout the course of the movie. The only other part I had ever seen Eklund in was a one episode role on Fringe, but his role in The Divide really proved that he has some good acting chops. This is a movie that really lives or dies on the performances given because there are no over the top action scenes to draw away your attention and everything revolves around how the characters interact with each other.

Lauren German also provides a very solid performance and her character provides the moral center of the film. Most of the scenes in the movie are seen from her perspective and if her performance had been sub-par the whole movie would have faltered. It was also refreshing to see that the writers and directors choose to go a more character-driven route instead of going for an over the top action movie which sometimes happens when dealing with apocalyptic event movies.

Hicks doesn’t take shit from nobody

Beer Two

The actions of some of the characters in the movie seem a little outlandish and impulsive even given the current situation they were in. Most people would not want to go outside immediately after a nuclear explosion had occurred only a few miles away. Some of the dummies in this movie were more than willing to try to rip open the door only minutes after they had rushed into the shelter. Little things like this detract from the story for only a moment at a time because the rest of the movie is of such a high quality. Also having a completely stocked fallout shelter with a fully functioning bathroom, electricity, and abundance of beds also seemed mildly convenient, but helped the movie in the long run.

Contrary to popular belief, getting caught in nuclear explosions does not grant superpowers.

Verdict

This is not a movie for everyone but if you like psychological horror and apocalyptic movies, then this one will be right up you alley. Biehn, Ventimiglia, Eklund, and German make this movie truly special because each gives a career defining performance. This could also be a cool set up for a Fallout movie, just sayin’.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you say to yourself, “Wow, Sam is a giant wuss”.

Take a Drink: every time Ventimiglia’s character yells “Mickey!”

Do a Shot: every time someone literally pulls their hair out.

Pete Smalls is Dead (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when KC is moping. (You’ll feel better even if he won’t.)

Take a Drink: they drink, you drink.

Take a Drink: KC and Jack ride a scooter together.

Take a Drink: when KC voices over.

Take a Drink:  every time someone says “Armenian”. (We’ve mentioned bigotry already. Watch yourself.)

Do a Shot: A dog gets stolen. (That shit is sad. If you don’t need a shot to get through that, kill yourself.)

Do a Shot: A dog gets found. (Celebrate!)

Read the full Pete Smalls is Dead (2010) Review

Pete Smalls is Dead (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jorge Aniwe (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

Pete Smalls isn’t Peter Dinklage, you stupid literalist fuck. How dare you, you big-bigger-bigot! Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones, The Station Agent) instead plays KC, a former screenwriter and current dry cleaner. Dinklage excels at playing mopey bastards, and this character is another. He’s joined by Mark Boone Jr. (Sons of Anarchy, Batman Begins) as Jack, KC’s down-and-out acting coach buddy.

A Toast

This image alone deserves a toast.

Beer Two

The action starts with KC owing a loan shark ten grand. He finds out that his friend, the famous director Pete Smalls, has died. It seems to bother him, but not as much as when the loan shark nabs his dog. A call from his friend Jack gives him hope of coming up with the money to get his dog back, if KC comes to LA to help him bury their friend, Pete Smalls.

From the start you can feel that this is a detective flick masquerading as an ‘indie film’. The voice-over isn’t immediately annoying but it becomes the Elmer’s glue holding the whole broken mess together. It’s like someone setting two broken fingers themselves and thinking that some generic first aid tape is as good as going to the hospital. Rockwell’s treatment of the detective genre is often enjoyable, as in the use of glow sticks, beating up a corpse, and filming their dead friend’s wife getting fucked.

They’ve done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.

Beer Three

If the film had stayed a detective story, or had even focused on the two friends rescuing KC’s dog, it might have worked. Instead it devolves into a satiric mock fest of the half-assed attempts by fuck-ups to be movers and shakers in Hollywood. Alexandre Rockwell, the director and writer, clearly has some contempt for Hollywood. This isn’t surprising if you look up his credits on IMDB.

Beer Four

There is a cavalcade of mutants providing the backdrop for Dinklage and Boone’s characters, many played by names that have found themselves in Rockwell’s better films. Steve Buscemi played a producer/distributor with an odd sexual appetite for his secretary, Lena Headey (Game of Thrones, The Sarah Connor Chronicles), and an even odder, tight curl blonde afro.  Seymore Cassel (Rushmore, Faces) is the patriarch of a secret society of Armenians that a large amount of the film’s action revolves around. There’s even a scene where comedian Todd Barry sits in a mud-filled hot tub playing with an action figure. Now I love mud-tubbing and action figures more than the average guy, but this attempt to flesh the world out with these bizarre creatures is more negative than positive.

Todd Barry and Todd Glass would make such a cute couple.

Verdict

Pete Smalls is Dead has problems, but in the end I enjoyed it more than I disliked it, and you’ll like it more if you drink four beers while you watch it. With all his missteps Rockwell still manages to insert some excellent moments of cinematic foreshadowing, and the way he uses music in the film proves that he has skills. If you can make it past the mediocre mockery of Hollywood, and choose to delight in the weirdos populating the film instead of being annoyed by them you’ll enjoy it too. As always, the rule is, keep your expectations low.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when KC is moping. (You’ll feel better even if he won’t.)

Take a Drink: they drink, you drink.

Take a Drink: KC and Jack ride a scooter together.

Take a Drink: when KC voices over.

Take a Drink:  every time someone says “Armenian”. (We’ve mentioned bigotry already. Watch yourself.)

Do a Shot: A dog gets stolen. (That shit is sad. If you don’t need a shot to get through that, kill yourself.)

Do a Shot: A dog gets found. (Celebrate!)

Once again, we clearly don’t have a grasp on what America likes in its Walmart Two for a Dollar: Grab ‘Em bin, and unfortunately don’t have reviews for Lady of the Dark: Genesis of the Serpent Vampire, Aiyun Huang’s Save Percussion Theater (Unrated!), or Inspector Morse’s Oxford.  Thankfully, one of the below is as bizarre as all of those put together.

Underworld: Awakening -

Underworld Awakening (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Nope, it’s not Underworld: Awakening.  Franchises don’t get a lot more re-tready than this, but as The Cinephiliac assures us, that doesn’t preclude a few cheap thrills.

Read the review

The Vow -

The Vow (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Wait, this is out on DVD?  Didn’t it finally straggle out of theaters just a few weeks ago?  BabyRuth enjoyed it enough for what it was, mostly because of Rachel McAdams, but points out that I’m not the only one likely to have memory-related issues when this flick is involved.

Read the review

Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie -

Tim & Eric's Billion Dollar Movie (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Good Guess!  This is the pants-shittingly bizarre choice of the week.  Of course, if you even just know who Tim & Eric are or have seen a minute of their show, this is no surprise.  Come see them released from the basic content restrictions of television!  Czar Jorge gently leads you by the hand with his review, prescribing drinking for both the devotees and the uninitiated.

Read the review

The Innkeepers (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time EVP is mentioned like it’s actual science.

Take Another Drink: for every foreboding image of an empty room.

Drink A Whole Beer: when Lena Dunham, current mumble core IT GIRL appears briefly to tell you about her HBO pilot… she doesn’t really do that, but seriously, where did she come from? Also, if you have a subscription, watch Girls on HBO.

Read the full The Innkeepers (2011) Review

The Innkeepers (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: CT Bland (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

When I was a younger man, I drove out into the snowy forests of Missouri with a bunch of friends in search of the Joplin Spook Light, a floating ball of energy that occasionally reveals itself to drunk farmers and college freshman (like me) who were hoping to get some sexy time with a live human female after experiencing the mysteries of the spectral plane, mysteries that happen to hang out at the end of a country road in the darkest of woods in the boringest of states.

I know what I think it looks like. What about you?

Sadly, the Spook Light did not show up that night, and I went to bed alone, shivering beneath my Target comforter and every once in a while trying really hard to reach the zit at the center of my back. I felt afraid, not because the universe had blasted me with confirmation of a world beyond our own, but because that dark, terribly cold night in the woods seemed alive with the possibility of spirits. There was nothing in those woods but teenagers, a twelve pack, and probably some coyotes, but it felt like there could have been. I remember looking at the snow and imagining a Satanic cult, wearing white robes and lying in the heavy white banks, waiting to pounce on those of us who just wanted to hold hands with Katy and maybe more. It was atmosphere, nothing else. There were no bad men waiting to fall on us with long knives and there probably is no Spook Light, but the fact that they felt real in that particular then and there… well, that’s why being a horny teenager is so great.

This is all a way of saying that director Ti West understands the concept of creeping dread. He directed the wonderful Satanic throwback House of Devil and has lately delivered a follow up called The Innkeepers, a slow burning horror film about a couple of twenty-somethings trying to prove that a hotel is haunted–it’s sort of a zany take on all those comedies where a ragtag group of friends bands together to save the old theater/record store/bondage club.

A Toast

The question to be begged is, of course, whether it especially matters if there are ghosts wandering the halls of what is a beautifully dilapidated set. Some places don’t need help being creepy and the real terror is in not knowing if you really did just hear that voice, or feel that cold hand on your thigh. Again, West knows what he’s doing.

This is a film that may well annoy a lot of horror fans who expect blood early and often. Much of the screen time is devoted to conversations between the two charming leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy). When these two aren’t talking their heads off, dancing around the sexual tension in the air, they spend a lot of minutes peaking down stairwells and pointing tape recordings at thin air, hoping to catch audible evidence of a haunting that, at first, seems not to exist. Even though the hotel is closing, there are still a few creepy guests milling about.

One of them is Kelly McGillis, who has transformed quite admirably from Eighties wet dream girl into a dignified matron, one who in this case perhaps knows a bit more than she lets on. She spends her time drifting from scene to scene, muttering about dreadful this and that. This is, I think, what a late career resurgence should look like for a lot of over-forty women in the business. A once flawless woman (who is still quite beautiful, it should be added)  is now allowed to settle into her age and deliver a performance that doesn’t hinge on everyone finding her desirable. She’s the best part of the show.

DANGER ZONE

Beer Two

As with all horror films, what really matters is whether or not the damn thing is scary. That depends entirely on your definition of course. I find pho terrifying, while all of my friends tend to believe its delicious even if they can’t quite explain to me what it is. The short answer (and you knew this was coming) is yes and no. Like House of the Devil, a movie I or someone else on this site will get around to reviewing someday, The Innkeepers is more interested in the idea of ghosts than their actual presence–the back story is sort of ridiculous is what I’m saying. Is it as terrifying as more brutal genre offerings? No, probably not. But it has what many of them don’t… a brain. I’m not of the school that what you can’t see is more terrifying than what you can. That would be true if everybody had a good imagination. But most people don’t. In this case, though, the actual ghost just sort of looks like she needs a wet nap after a big helping of barbeque from the beyond. Maybe less is more in such cases.

Verdict

A worthy genre entry, full of creepy tonal shifts and smart dialogue. I don’t know what to compare it to besides some of the better haunted house offerings like The Haunting (not the crappy Liam Nesson remake) or The Legend of Hell House. It falls short in head to head match ups, but at least you’re not watching Saw XXIV. Still, this movie is more about how we convince ourselves that there’s a monster in the closet, rather than, you know, the actual monster in the closet… which is still pretty fucking scary sometimes.

There she is. Such a handsome girl.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time EVP is mentioned like it’s actual science.

Take Another Drink: for every foreboding image of an empty room.

Drink A Whole Beer: when Lena Dunham, current mumble core IT GIRL appears briefly to tell you about her HBO pilot… she doesn’t really do that, but seriously, where did she come from? Also, if you have a subscription, watch Girls on HBO.

When Lionsgate bought Summit earlier this year, they were buying two things- the last gasps of the Twilight franchise and the hope that Hunger Games would be its heir apparent.  Summit’s next highest opening all time after those is… Knowing at 24 million.  Clearly, Teenage Murderdome has fulfilled if not exceeded their expectations, and if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?  With that they’re starting shooting on potential successor Ender’s Game and have now lined up Patrick Ness’s wildly popular (people tell me) YA series Chaos Walking.  Set in the future on a colonized planet, it follows two teens on the run after it’s discovered that one may have the key to restoring order after an infection that allows everyone to hear each other’s thoughts sets in.

Now, the joke potential in anything that involves teenage boys’ thoughts becoming public knowledge is obvious, but we’ll probably never see that version as Lionsgate’s made an interesting script decision, hiring Charlie Kaufman to pen the first adaptation.  Yes, Being John Malkovich Charlie Kaufman.  Now, he did do a polish on Kung Fu Panda II last year, a movie unfortunately free of John Malkovich in drag, but if you’re an author you have to be a little concerned when you see he’s developing your work.  Just ask Susan Orlean, author of The Orchid Thief.

Double Cages don’t factor heavily in her book…

One of my favorite films of the year so far is Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire, which apparently happened when he caught a female MMA match and thought, “Hey, that chick should have her own movie.”  That chick was Gina Carano, who probably makes a habit of grinding anyone calling her a chick to dust, because who’s going to stop her?  My first thought upon leaving the theater was “I hope she gets another shot,” but ‘realistically proportioned female action star’ is not a common casting call category in Hollywood, so I was dubious.  Well, I clearly forgot one franchise that makes too much sense when you think about it- Fast & Furious.  She’s now signed on for the sixth installment, which presumably revolves around making The Rock her bitch, because MMA > WWE, obviously.

Looks real to me…

Michael Pitt (or as he’s known by most: That Guy From Boardwalk Empire) has lined up a role playing Jack Black… the 1930s adventure writer with a hobo fixation, who sounds even more interesting than the Tenacious D (and A-list actor) dude.  You Can’t Win will tell the story of the author who started hopping freight trains and living the hobo life for material and found out that it’s less “Big Rock Candy Mountain” and more alcoholism, crime, and lots of stabbing.  Sounds interesting, but what really caught my idea about the project is that Robinson Devor is directing, whose most high profile project so far is the documentary Zoo.  If you don’t know what Zoo is… well, give it a watch.  Or maybe look it up first.

Man, I feel bad for the ill-informed dad who thought he was bringing home We Bought a Zoo…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every clever line/zinger.

Take a Drink: every time the Avengers laugh in the face of physics, just because they can

Take a Drink: if you felt this movie did a better job with Thor and Loki than Thor did.

Do a Shot: when you understand that an awesome-gasm is perfectly normal, especially in public.

You don’t have to blame it on ectoplasm anymore.

Read the full The Avengers (2012) Review

By: Bill Arceneaux 

I used to collect comic books. Yes, I admit it. I got swept up in the fantasy of characters with unique abilities beyond those of normal people, fighting over exaggerated villains in an effort to save their hometown, and in some cases, the world. I mostly focused on the Superman comics – during the period of time when he became pure energy (I was probably one of the few that liked that story arc) – but I certainly hadn’t chosen a side in the DC vs. Marvel fight. Why pigeonhole yourself to just one brand?

Never got my hands on that issue.

My collection eventually stopped – only a little more than a handful of issues remain. Was this just a passing fancy? I think, personally, I just yearned for something more; something to give the pages a new life in my eyes, without insulting my devotion to the mythology. In the last decade, we’ve seen movies that range from bastardized toy commercials to unique creative interpretations. But, have we seen the best that comic book movies can be?

If we haven’t yet, The Avengers might just be it. The culmination of millions of dollars in production budgets and years of origin stories, this story has HIGH expectations:

After finding his way out of a cosmic abyss (as seen in Thor), Loki (Tom Hiddleston) makes a play and captures the Tesseract (as seen in Captain America: The First Avenger) – a cube of energy that could prove dangerous if in the wrong hands – from S.H.I.E.L.D. (as seen in all previous Marvel Cinematic Universe films). Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is forced to restart the Avengers Initiative – a program to bring together Earth’s mightiest heroes – in a last ditch effort to get the cube back and stop Loki from leading an alien army.

Of course, this means that Fury must bring together a group of people who probably shouldn’t be in the same room together; Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), CaptainAmerica(Chris Evans), Dr. Bruce Banner AKA The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner). Can these heroes put their difference aside and conquer their own inner problems in time to save the world?

A Toast

Have you ever had an awesome-gasm? … Did I just invent a new word to describe a movie?

HULK SMASH EXPECTATIONS!

With a cast of characters and actors this big, you would think things might get a bit muddled. But, with lots of clever photography, editing and dialogue, everything works out. Each hero – even Hawkeye and Black Widow – gets time to shine. And I don’t just mean moments where they look pretty and badass; each hero has personality and conflict. We actually get a little bit of depth here! It could have easily been a dumb action film, but instead chose to be a really good comic book.

Marvel could’ve easily picked a team of hack writers and a yes man director to helm this project, expecting to make their money back on brand recognition alone. Instead, they picked a fan friendly writer/director who understands how the audience feels about these characters, and really delivered something special. Sure, the depth I described doesn’t go into superhero psychology levels, but it’s exactly where we need it to be. This really is just about perfect.

Create a Drink

At one point in the film, Loki is offered a drink. He turns it down, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Just for fun, come up with your own Loki inspired beverage (but be safe about it). Some people at the midnight screening I attended were dressed as their favorite characters; why not pay homage to them in liquid courage form?

Verdict

Comic book movies rarely get any better than this. This isn’t to knock the other superhero flicks coming out this year (they’ll probably be great for different reasons), but the bar has been reset. Maybe the genre should be split into comic book, graphic novel and one off categories, in an effort to better tell the good from the bad? All I know for sure is, I feel like dusting off my old Action Comics issues.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every clever line/zinger.

Take a Drink: every time the Avengers laugh in the face of physics, just because they can

Take a Drink: if you felt this movie did a better job with Thor and Loki than Thor did.

Do a Shot: when you understand that an awesome-gasm is perfectly normal, especially in public.

You don’t have to blame it on ectoplasm anymore.

Last Call

There are not just one, but two post-credit sequences.  Stick around for a peek at the villains of the next installment, as well as a final laugh.

They Live (1988) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: (or several) during the five-minute carefully choreographed fight between Nada and Frank. Gotta show off Rowdy Roddy Piper’s skills!

Take a Drink: every time Nada slips on the sunglasses and goes a little nuts.

Take a Drink: if you swear Holly Thompson (played by Meg Foster) must be an alien as well, given the color of her creepy near-clear eyes. You may also substitute a feeling of déjà vu regarding the Kirstie Alley doppelganger angle.

Take a Drink: every time you feel affected by a subliminal message. You might not know it, so your best defense is to “consume” throughout the entire film – just to be safe.

Do a Shot: for this fun fact – Keith David also makes a memorable appearance in Something About Mary as Mary’s (Cameron Diaz) hilariously gruff stepfather.

Read the full They Live (1988) Review

They Live (1988) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jenna Zine (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Hapless drifter John Nada (Roddy Piper) is caught up in a conspiracy theory of epic proportions when he gets a hold of some sunglasses that allow him to see society clearly, including the mind-controlling aliens that live among us!

A Toast

Not long ago, we had a heated discussion about John Carpenter on our private MovieBoozer Facebook page. (Yes, kids – we party without you. But none of this would be possible without you either, so think about that next time you’re put to bed early.) While there were staunch opinions in both pro and con camps, there was also the general consensus that Carpenter deserves a lifetime pass. Though he’s had a substantial amount of flops (recently including 2010’s The Ward), he’s also produced numerous gems. They Live falls in the gem category.

The great thing about this film is how deeply the plotline still reverberates today. Poverty-stricken masses suffer as the divide between rich and poor grows wider. The economy, livable wages, the job market, healthcare, a class/caste system and homelessness are all prominent themes. Corporations lay off employees and then give themselves raises. The rich increase their substantial fiscal portfolios by screwing over the commoners. Sound familiar?

“The Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.” The same might be said for guns!

When Nada finally slips on the glasses (discovered after following the fishy goings-on at the church across the street from the shantytown that is briefly his home) a whole new world is revealed. Life is actually dominated by streaming messages to consume, stay asleep, watch more TV and, most ominously, OBEY. (Yes, Shepard Fairey does acknowledge They Live as inspiration for his famous multimedia campaign.) The sunglasses also let Nada see that the rich are actually aliens who use their influence to keep the general population under control. He joins the rebel movement to knock out the alien’s signal, hoping in vain that it will help wake up his fellow Americans…

Nothing to see here. Just another day at the office.

John Carpenter not only directed – he also penned the script under the alias Frank Armitage (which doubles as the name of Nada’s buddy, played by Keith David – as well as an homage to H.P. Lovecraft). Yes, the film feels dated. The special effects are cheesy. The violence is incredibly tame – no doubt, in part, to the reign Tipper Gore held over all things deemed “offensive” – but the message remains strong and it’s a helluva lot of fun to watch. Carpenter’s They Live stands the test of time – as does the best line ever: “I’m here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out of bubblegum.” Fucking brilliant.

Verdict

Cult classic alert! A delight in multiple genres – spanning Sci-Fi, horror and parody  – that also sports the chilling reminder that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: (or several) during the five-minute carefully choreographed fight between Nada and Frank. Gotta show off Rowdy Roddy Piper’s skills!

Take a Drink: every time Nada slips on the sunglasses and goes a little nuts.

Take a Drink: if you swear Holly Thompson (played by Meg Foster) must be an alien as well, given the color of her creepy near-clear eyes. You may also substitute a feeling of déjà vu regarding the Kirstie Alley doppelganger angle.

Take a Drink: every time you feel affected by a subliminal message. You might not know it, so your best defense is to “consume” throughout the entire film – just to be safe.

Do a Shot: for this fun fact – Keith David also makes a memorable appearance in Something About Mary as Mary’s (Cameron Diaz) hilariously gruff stepfather.

Today we have some high profile stories you may have heard about already, but I haven’t gotten around to them yet because… Mel Gibson jokes* take time?

If you follow entertainment news, chances are you caught the bullshit Lionsgate spammed the industry with when they announced names like David Cronenberg and Alfonso Cuaron as potential replacements for Gary Ross for the next Hunger Games movie.  That was never, ever, ever going to happen, and to the surprise of nobody a cheap, fast-working, style over substance director got the job- Francis Lawrence.  The most interesting piece of information that came out of this was a list of directors who actually took meetings with the studio about the project; a list that included Cary Fukunaga (Sin Nombre), Duncan Jones (Moon), Juan Antonio Bayona (The Orphanage), and Tomas Alfredson (Let the Right One In), with Joe Cornish (Attack the Block) declining an invitation.  Any of them would have been more intriguing choices than Lawrence, but it’s likely none were up for what drove Ross off- a tight schedule and limited creative control.  That being said, the director of CGI action fare like I Am Legend is a pretty logical choice for material that is plenty entertaining, but not exactly fine literature.

Let the flamewars commence

When the Machete trilogy finishes up, what it will likely be known for besides Danny Trejo’s moonscape face and sharp things is its off the wall casting decisions.  Machete Kills is gearing up with Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez back on board, and now Mel Gibson of all people has landed a part.  No details yet, although something along the lines of “madman billionaire who plans to launch a weapon into space” seems like it could be a fit.  And while Gibson is unsurprisingly getting all of the attention, I was even more surprised to see that director Robert Rodriguez was going hard after Michelle Williams for a part… maybe the “ruthless cartel leader”?

He’ll have to be patient while she transitions out of Period Piece Mode…

Speaking of famous tempers, we haven’t heard anything from director David O. Russell’s lately.  Instead he’s just been adding to a massive slate of projects in development.  American Bullshit is a bit different than most of those, though, as it’s starting to put together financing and a cast and looks like it could be the next film he’ll roll cameras on.  Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper are attached to star as FBI agents who participated in Abscam, a 1980s corruption sting of Congress that led to 11 convictions, all of which held up on appeal even after allegations of “unorthodox methods.”

“Okay, yes, now that you mention it $5 does seem like too much to pay for a paperclip.”

* See, I didn’t even go there.  When Gibson was reached for comment, all he had to say was “Hoooraaaaaaayyy!”

Mercury Rising (1998) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Games

Take a Drink: whenever Simon refers to himself in the 3rd person

Take a Drink: for every guy you recognize, but don’t know his name (“That Guy” sip)

Take a Drink: whenever Bruce Willis shouts in anger

Take a Drink: at every reference to 90′s cartoons

Do a Shot: anytime Baldwin talks about his good friend in the Iraqi National Guard

Do a Shot: when the “TRONish” electronic snake sound plays while Simon is solving a puzzle

Read the full Mercury Rising (1998) Review

Mercury Rising (1998) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jake Peroni (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Most films depict FBI agents as cookie cutter, clean shaven men. Blind allegiance and obedient boy scouts wearing crisp black and grey suits with matching ties. (Despite Corky Romano’s efforts).

Huh? Wha? Wait, someone is watching this?

But not even the Federal Government has the balls to casually drop a “suggested attire” memo on the desk of Bruce Willis.

Tee shirt and jeans… Check

Jacket with a half zip… Check

5 O’clock shadow… Check

Badge tucked into belt… Check

Holster… NOPE.  Are you sure? You are a Federal agent and have access to just about any gun holster imaginable at no price to you. No thanks, I’m Bruce F’ing Willis and I just tuck my gun into my pants or pocket it in my jacket like a set of keys.

Perhaps I’m a bit overly cautious since seeing David Silver’s nerdy friend Billy the Kid himself in his daddy’s office.  Hair triggers and misfires are a bit of a concern for me when it comes to guns. But not for Bruce Willis, though; he will run, jump, and fight all while a weapon capable of instant death is tucked into the waistband of his fruit of the looms aimed directly at his tea and biscuits.

“Dude, did you see that rumor Willis is wearing a thong today? Awesome!”

Mercury Rising is a typical 90′s action flick with a kicker. Like the studio said they want to make a movie mixing Die Hard with What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?.

Bruce Willis plays Art Jeffries, “one of the best” undercover FBI agents they had ever seen. He has an affinity towards children.  Good or bad, it doesn’t matter. Bruce just wants to help children. His edgy style of justice leads him to become a fugitive once he crosses paths with Simon, a 9 year old autistic boy played by Miko Hughes, who is better known as the “Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina” kid from Kindergarten Cop. Also the cute little kid who poorly tied his shoe in the road from Pet Cemetery.

Okay Miko, we have 1 take at this, lets make it a good one!

Simon is a bit of a savant, and when he cracks an impenetrable code hidden in a children’s puzzle book he becomes a target of the NSA, which is led by Alec Baldwin and will murder anyone at the drop of a hat to protect it’s 2 billion dollar code that for some reason was printed in a children’s puzzle book.

Enter every conspiracy movie’s favorite villain, the NSA. Here they employ intensely stereotypical nerds to work computers, which back in the 90′s apparently meant rows of numbers and letters flashing across a black C-Prompt screen with red flashing lights everywhere. The movie is true to it’s era and embraces what we imagined “high tech” was at the time, including coconut sized flip-phones and thumb print accessible portable computers.

eHarmony wasn’t much back then either

The NSA tears through town killing everyone involved, except of course Bruce Willis, who is left to decipher why the autistic child is being hunted by the men in suits through Simon’s minimal communication skills.

Blah, blah, gunshots, running, autism, over the top bad guy fight at the end, gentle resolution.

A Toast

I might seem cynical, but I thoroughly enjoy Bruce Willis action movies of the 90′s. Mindless, senseless violence, a plot riddled with holes… this one being of course, what exactly IS the Mercury code anyway? A phone number? What the hell is a 9 year old autistic kid going to do with it that makes it a threat to Alec Baldwin’s buddy in the Iraqi National Gaurd? (Alec references him a couple times, like he REALLY wants you to know about him.) But regardless, you’re not looking for excellence here, you’re watching Bruce Willis shoot stuff. And for that he channels his inner John McClane for this one, which is always fun. Miko Hughes does well playing the autistic Simon; however, although his actions and mannerisms are true to this sad disability, his voice and speech don’t come across as convincing. Overall his performance was solid and gives wonder why his career never materialized with the degree of fame as other child actors.

Beer Two

Have you ever been minding your own business at a coffee shop and some strange man trips over your briefcase, then after 2 minutes of conversation you find yourself convinced to watch his extremely autistic son for a few hours while he goes out and shoots things? Probably, right? But has the autistic kid taken to you quicker than any other thing in his entire life in a matter of minutes, and the man comes back running from police cars and takes the kid back? Don’t answer that yet… because he later shows up at 2AM knocking at your apartment door! Do you let him in? OF COURSE you do! He is a balding man in jeans claiming to be an FBI agent wanted by the police escorting around a disabled 9 year old boy. Are there really girls this dumb and trusting out there? It’s obvious that somewhere, someone said, “Wait fellas, we need a woman in this movie for all the guys that want to tug but don’t want to get up to hit stop on the VCR.” “GREAT IDEA! Can we find 10 minutes we can squeeze her in?”

Beer Three

Bad guys and their silencers. This NSA assassin has the perfect backstory. According to the government records he has been dead for years and he has an Ed Harris haircut, wears a suit, and barely talks.  Despite these traits of the perfect killer, he ends up being the most incompetent killer I’ve ever seen. He carries a silencer on his pistol, which is useless because he is always running through crowds shouting with it waving in the air (Kinda defeats it’s purpose.)

He also gets a number of clear opportunities to take out Bruce, but decides to run away instead. (who can blame him? IT’S BRUCE!)

He’s the human honey badger

Beer Four

The “real” recruitment office for the NSA must HATE Hollywood. Their application must say “we are not the bad guys. Bad guys need not apply.” As if they didn’t have a bad rap since Kennedy was shot, now they have movies with them trying to kill adorable autistic kids.  It’s a PR nightmare. But the 4th beer is for the sadness in this movie. It felt out of place for a 90′s action movie to have dramatic sympathy for a disabled child who cries out for his mother who was killed because of his damn puzzle solving abilities. This poor kid’s story tug the heartstrings a little and took away from the fun and mindless action you come to expect from the other one dimensional characters.

Verdict

You get what you put into this one. It’s not quite “fun” action because of the sympathy for the autistic child whose life gets progressively worse through this entire film. But it is Bruce Willis at his best: a cop/Fed on the edge, refusing to play by the rules and engaging in plenty of senseless gun play. I did find it entertaining, but would advise if you’re in the mood for a Bruce Willis action flick, pick any of his others… except Cop Out.

Bonus Drinking Games

Take a Drink: whenever Simon refers to himself in the 3rd person

Take a Drink: for every guy you recognize, but don’t know his name (“That Guy” sip)

Take a Drink: whenever Bruce Willis shouts in anger

Take a Drink: at every reference to 90′s cartoons

Do a Shot: anytime Baldwin talks about his good friend in the Iraqi National Guard

Do a Shot: when the “TRONish” electronic snake sound plays while Simon is solving a puzzle

The Way, Way Back has so much indie goodness it’s almost unbearable.  Besides a supporting cast that includes Sam Rockwell, Allison Janney, and Annasophia Robb, the parents of the teen protagonist of this coming of age tale will be played by Toni Collette and Steve Carrell, who last were seen together in Little Miss Sunshine.  The story is about the teen boy coming into his own with the encouragement of a friend and repairing the relationship with his mother while standing up to his alcoholic father, which is exactly the uncharacteristic sort of role Carrell should knock out of the park.  Oh, and the film was written and will be directed by Nat Faxon and Jim Rash, who finally got their script produced after their success with a little film called The Descendants.

Yes, Dean Pelton has an Oscar.  What’s your excuse?

Speaking of directors I’ve been keeping an eye on, Brad Furman (The Lincoln Lawyer) has another tantalizing project that will hopefully come together sooner rather than later for him.  Runner, Runner will star Justin Timberlake and Ben Affleck in a story set in the shady, dangerous world of illegal online gambling.  The writers, David Levien and Brian Koppelman, have had some success with this sort of thing before, having scripted Rounders.  Wait, where’s Matt Damon in this story?  They could make his Rounders character an online poker addict, or, if they wanted to go a different direction…

…Will Hunting has some skills gamblers might be interested in.

One filmmaker that had dropped off my radar, John Crowley, cropped back up recently.  His Boy A introduced the world to Andrew Garfield (Spiderman, bitch) and was a nice little piece of direction to boot, but after following up with the little seen Michael Caine-starrer Is Anybody There? in 2008 he kinda disappeared.  He’s back now, teaming with Eastern Promises writer Steven Knight on a courtroom thriller that’s compiled a hell of a cast.  Eric Bana and Rebecca Hall will play a defense team and ex-lovers who find themselves in danger when they agree to defend an accused terrorist.  Besides those two, the film will also include Jim Broadbent, Ciaran Hinds, Julia Stiles, and the fast-rising Riz Ahmed.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that he’ll be filling the terrorist role, as it’s one he’s done before.

Although I’ve got to expect this flick will be just a touch more serious…

The Great Train Robbery (1978) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Connery dupes someone

Take a Drink: when there is a “goofy” joke to lighten the mood

Do a Shot: when something said earlier in the film is repeated, to make sure you got it.

Read the full The Great Train Robbery (1978) Review

The Great Train Robbery (1978) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

The Great Train Robbery tells the story of Sean Connery and Donald Sutherland’s bold plan to find and punch England in the dick.  The venue for said penis mashing in this case being a train, with the naughty bits represented by a safe full of gold destined for mainland Europe to support the Crimean War.  Through a combination of suave villainy, planning montages, and an incessant scottish brogue, Connery and his assembled team of master criminals execute their plan

A Toast

Sean Connery is an actor who has seldom done straight comedy, though he certainly has a keen sense of comic timing.

“Plenty O’Toole eh?  More like Plenty O’Stretchmarks…”

(Above: A deleted Scene that probably exists)

While by no means a “comedy” per se, it does certainly exhibit elements, with witty dialogue, and  the added bonus of being the only place outside of playboy interviews that the actor talks about his erection more than once.  This, as you can imagine, comes off only a little less creepy than hearing your uncle talk about them.  Nevertheless, Connery is the man, and if he could make the possibility of sex with Catherine Zeta Jones believable, at the age of 102, than he must be some kind of wizard (He turned down Harry Potter, presumably because it hit too close to home.)

Beer Two

The tone of the movie varies wildly between goofy antics and dark moments, making for a strange brew.  In the matter of a few minutes Connery is seen smiling and exchanging jokes, and the next moment he fucking CHOKES ONE OF HIS PARTNERS TO DEATH.  Now don’t get me wrong, I love to watch as the person I’m choking struggles for air, and that fateful moment where you can watch the light go out of their eyes and feel just a step closer to God, as much as anyone, but…  I probably shouldn’t have written that.

Beer Three

Writer and director Michael Crichton seems a bit lost in creating a dynamic narrative.  The film seems bent on explaining every step of the plan and in the order in which it is all done, in a fashion about as dry and procedural as say… a Michael Crichton novel.  For instance, the film opens with some helpful narration to describe the background to the gold, and the gold train, only to move to a scene with Connery sitting and talking with a group of wealthy men, discussing the same thing we just were told all about.  Events like this happen throughout the film, and are wholly unnecessary.  Crichton perhaps should have trusted his story to an experienced filmmaker.

“So the Mecha-Dinosaurs, which are part of the history exhibit become sentient, and decide to help Sean Connery rob the train, and when they open the safe they find out that the gold is infected with Space AIDs, and they all die except for Connery because he’s the star of the movie and we need him to come around for the sequel where we find out that this is how the DNA was first discovered for the creation of Jurassic Park 100 years later…”

(Michael Bay’s film pitch was rejected outright)

Verdict

It’s an entertaining movie, definitely worth looking up on Netflix, especially if you’re a Connery fan.

If it was any other man…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Connery dupes someone

Take a Drink: when there is a “goofy” joke to lighten the mood

Do a Shot: when something said earlier in the film is repeated, to make sure you got it.

Aww yeah! It’s finally here! Time to get psyched!

Let the assembling begin!

Wait, no.

Time for some good old fashioned avenging!

Err.

Avengeance is a dish best served with fists!

…

ScarJo’s tits?

Just cut to the trailer…

We’ve all been waiting for another comic book movie that doesn’t disappoint. Because it seems like, save for a handful*, they all do. Joss Whedon’s mainstream success train is on fire and continuing to barrel straight through to our hearts, causing intense heartburn that hurts so good. So, uh, it’s safe to say he’s a superior writer to most, and it appears his directing is on par (yes, he’s directed many episodes of great TV, nerds, I know.)

THIS.

I try to avoid reviews before writing these previews, but it’s next to impossible to shut out the glowing praise this is already receiving. Joss knows how to handle a well-crafted, exciting, and emotional comic book story, as he’s shown with his “Astonishing X-Men” run a few years back, as well as the comic versions of his TV shows (most notably, Buffy and Firefly.)

Truly astonishing: January Jones made this boring.

I was pumped when I heard Joss was writing and directing The Avengers, not only because some of my favourite stuff has been penned by him, but because he handles an ensemble cast expertly. And we’ve been building up to this moment for years, sometimes with individual character features acting as mere mediocre introductions *cough* Captain America *cough* leading up to the main event**.

At least he had fun. Oh, this is still The Avengers.

The ensemble point is vital because with so many main characters coming together in one film, there needs to be careful balancing and emphasis. Luckily, Whedon has shown repeatedly he can handle incredible teams. Also, big snakes.

Beer Prediction

: A Toast

As a bonus, enjoy this faux 1978 “made-for-TV movie” style trailer of The Avengers. HULK SEDUCE!

*Most awesome: Nolan’s Batman series, X-Men 1 and X-Men: First Class, Iron Man 1, Scott Pilgrim. Whatchu got, comicbros?!

**To be fair, I haven’t seen Captain America… yet.

Merantau (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever you involuntarily say “Holy shit!” or “Ouch!” because someone just had 28% of their body broken

Slowly Sip Your Beer: during periods where people are not getting punched

Down a Shot: whenever someone wields a lead pipe. There a lots of lead pipes.

Read the Full Merantau (2009) Review

Merantau (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Frank Cerros (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Do you enjoy cinematic ass-kickery? Do you like watching people perform athletic feats that you yourself could never do without ending up in traction? Do you not mind the feeling of cottonmouth that you get from having a constantly dropped jaw? If so, this review is for you!

Having recently seen, and loved, The Raid: Redemption, I knew that I needed another fix and couldn’t simply wait around for The Raid 2: Raid Harder. Luckily, the director and the star of The Raid (Gareth Huw Evans and Iko Uwais, respectively) had made a previous film together called Merantau and it was just what the doctor ordered (Note: if your doctor actually does prescribe Merantau for an ailment, he is both awesome and not a real doctor).

How can you not want to watch a movie where this is a thing that happens?

The story is simple: a naïve young man from a rural Southeast Asian village, who is also an expert practitioner of the local martial art, travels to the big, bad city with a noble goal and gets mixed up with a violent criminal element that will put him to the ultimate test.

If this sounds like Ong-Bak, the 2003 Thai film that made a breakout star of Tony Jaa, that’s because the basic premise is eerily similar (and if it doesn’t sound like Ong-Bak, that’s probably because you haven’t seen it, so you should…like NOW). However, where Ong-Bak mixed its ass-kicking with a generous sense of humor, this film is much darker, dealing with heavy themes like sex trafficking and abuse, and ends with a shockingly bloody and violent third act. But don’t let that dissuade you; although more serious-minded than Ong-Bak, Merantau still a butt-punting good time.

Pretty sure it says: “Take one Merantau and one Ong-Bak and call me in the morning”

A Toast

To Iko Uwais, who plays Yuda. Like his character, he is an expert in the Indonesian martial art of Silat, and it’s absolutely breathtaking to see Silat in action on the screen. Yuda’s furious flurry of fists and feet are definitely the highlight of the film, but he is no slouch in the acting department either. In both this film and The Raid, Uwais nails that perfect mix of wide-eyed innocence and steely-eyed determination.

In fact, the first 30 minutes of this film are all about character development and letting Uwais act. We spend a lot of time in Yuda’s village, setting up his Merantau, which is a spiritual rite of passage into manhood. Without seeing where he came from, we wouldn’t really know the true impact of how far he goes in his quest to rescue Astri and her brother from the bad guys. Throughout the film, Uwais deftly conveys the physical and emotional toll his Merantau has taken on him. He makes us feel the weight of his shift from sweet innocent to violent savior in a way that is exciting and promising for a first-time actor. And then he kicks ass. Lots and lots of ass. All over the place. All over your face.

Silat combines strength, agility, focus and the power of FARTS

Beer Two

However, the film is not perfect by any means. There are plenty of scenes where asses are not being kicked, including the previously mentioned first 30 minutes. For someone who is salivating to dig right into the action, it may be disappointing to know that there is no appetizer, even if the entrée is so, so worth it. Also, the main villain comes off as cartoonishly over the top and I’m surprised there was any scenery left with all the chewing he was doing. And don’t even get me started on his odd, homoerotic relationship with his sidekick/brother/lover(?).

Can’t two psychotic men be friends without people thinking we’re gay?

Also, why do only two people in the entire movie have guns? It would have saved the bad guys a lot of time and shattered bones if they had firearms. But maybe they feel they don’t need guns since SOMEHOW ALL THE BAD GUYS KNOW SILAT. This also begs the question of why Yuda was going to Jakarta to teach Silat if everyone there already knows it. It’s like they teach it in elementary school.

Teacher, will the kicking of ass be on the test?

Verdict

Despite the minor nitpicks above, this is a film that should be seen by all martial arts fans. It’s refreshing to see martial artists who are actually experts in the art, which you don’t often get in American martial arts films. Thankfully, the director also lets us see the action and doesn’t simply edit the shit out of it, quick cutting every millisecond so that you’re too disoriented to enjoy the action. There’s almost too many amazing fight sequences to count (the fight in the club, on the rooftops, on the elevator, in the club again, etc). At the very least, Merantau is a must-see for the scene where Uwais is the martial arts equivalent of The Who’s Keith Moon, only the drumsticks are lead pipes and the drums are human beings. If you liked The Raid, you’re gonna love Merantau.

Oh shit, here comes the drum solo…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever you involuntarily say “Holy shit!” or “Ouch!” because someone just had 28% of their body broken

Slowly Sip Your Beer: during periods where people are not getting punched

Down a Shot: whenever someone wields a lead pipe. There a lots of lead pipes.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time fog inexplicably appears

Take a Drink: every time Detective Fields looks like he’s about to cry.

Take a Drink: every time someone unnecessarily yells at another person

Take a Drink: any time you ask yourself about John Cusack, “Is he playing Poe or Nic Cage?”

Do a Shot: every time you feel terrible for how people lived in the 1800s. Have you seen firefighting back then!?

Read the Full The Raven (2012) Review

By: The Cinephiliac (Five Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

In 1849, famed poet Edgar Allen Poe was found walking the streets of Baltimore in a delirious state mumbling incoherently.  A few days later while in the hospital he died with the cause of death never being disclosed. For generations Poe’s mysterious death has been the ever so delicious cherry on the morbid, depressing cake of Poe’s life. He was a man who was orphaned as a toddler after his mother died of tuberculosis and his father abandoned the family a year before. Poe later went on to marry the love of his life; Virginia, his 13-year-old cousin who also succumbed to tuberculosis, coughing up so much blood while singing and playing piano one day that Poe described it as a broken blood vessel in her throat. Although his love recovered, a few years later she died, sending Poe into a state of alcoholism and erratic behavior. He was a struggling writer who could barely afford to live and had to frequently beg and borrow from others.

This man whose soul weeped tragedy used his angst to churn out brooding timeless masterpieces with a focus on death and all other grisly subjects for elementary literature classes to teach about forever. A number of speculations surrounding Poe’s death have been brought up; rabies, influenza, suicide, tuberculosis, and cooping to name a few. James McTeigue’s The Raven attempts to give an interesting spin on the cause of Poe’s death and what happened in the days prior. Although the mystery of his death is still at large, the fact that he died after being in a daze and repeating a name is just a perfect ending to an already sadly tragic life. They don’t make ‘em like Poe anymore.

The Raven follows Poe (John Cusack) in his last few days, financially struggling to make ends meet for a glass of whisky, annoyed that his publisher’s aren’t printing or paying him for his editorials, poems, and stories, and trying to court his love Emily (Alive Eve) without the knowledge of her father. Oh yeah, and trying to deal with the fact that he’s so much more awesome than everyone else because he’s Edgar Allen Poe. However, when a brutal double murder followed by a string of other murders takes place and the killer’s M.O. is identical to the murders in Poe’s work, he’s called on by detective Emmett Fields (Luke Evans) to help stop the killer before his attacks endure. Quoth The Raven nevermore… it works if you over-pronounce “endure.”

Hey Raven, see what I did there?

A Toast

And that’s what leads to best thing about The Raven. The idea of this movie is fascinating; it’s original and does an interesting job of mixing fact and fiction and being an intriguing biographical film as well as a thriller. It’s no secret that Poe dies, but The Raven tells of a passionate serial killer, brutally murdering townspeople in exact accordance to scenes and excerpts in Poe’s poems and stories. While Poe isn’t a detective, the killer works in such a fanboy way that Poe, being an expert in human tragedy and slight insanity, is able to help cops get closer and closer to the killer. It’s like creating a story where Ernest Hemingway stops Mark David Chapman from killing John Lennon.

Beer Two

However, the story of The Raven never fully works. Cusack, who normally can melt my heart in any film just by having that awesome face and being John Cusack, just isn’t a good Poe. His portrayal of the artist is inconsistent at times and by the end of the film I wasn’t quite sure if I liked Poe or not, let alone cared about his death. At times he comes off cool, just a barely functional alcoholic who is quick witted and intelligent.  Yet other times his portrayal of Poe is manically eccentric, as if Cusack graduated from theschool ofNicholas Cage acting, but that’s when he’s not being an arrogant asshole who likes the smell of his own farts. Poe seemed more like Sybil Dorsett than anything else. But it’s not just Poe; all the characters are just off. Their reactions to situations aren’t quite explained through their development and mostly everyone is just one-dimensional with barely any life and hardly any personality.

I taught John everything he knows for this role…. EVERYTHING.

Beer Three

I checked for the time more times in The Raven than I would if I were a watchmaker. Almost hitting the two hour mark, The Raven is slow and at times unbearably boring. As Poe keeps getting ever so close to catching the killer, the time just drags on and on and on. There’s nothing overly interesting about The Raven. It’s filmed in such dark tones and is mostly set at night with scarce lighting because of the time period. While the film’s lighting source is obviously more than the few lanterns featured in each scene, but it can be hard to tell.  The look of much of the film is so dull and monotonous that it gets tiring looking at the drab screen, especially when the story is going slower than molasses. Thus the comforting glow of light becomes magnetizing, even if it is from a phone or iPod every ten minutes.

Beer Four

McTeigue’s direction is the most mediocre safe directing I’ve seen in a while. Although The Raven is a thriller, it doesn’t hold sense of urgency or tension of any sort. I never felt that any of the characters where truly in danger because aside from the overly dramatic music, nothing truly prompts suspense. During sequences in which a character is trapped in a coffin being buried alive, I never felt that claustrophobic anxious feeling that scenes like that usually tend to create. The characters’ reaction to their plight is subdued and dreamy and the camera’s angle gives the coffin a roomy, open feeling. At one point the camera even shows a full length, long shot of the character in the coffin. This choice of capturing the scene this way is cool aesthetically but it reveals the filming process and creates a gaping open feeling, never allowing us to feel danger for the character’s circumstance.

While the death scenes are gruesome and vivid they are also poorly shot and intercut with scenes of separate dialogue that doesn’t tie into the person’s death, jarring audiences from any feeling of panic or immersion.

“Wait, so this happened during a conversation? Who would edit like that?”

Beer Five

And maybe it was just me, but the reveal of the murderer was a bigger letdown than the entire film. I was more confused as to who this character was and when I saw him before than shocked. Also it’s never explained how he knew of Poe’s romance or how he quickly got back and forth to the site of the buried victim. His logic and reasoning was just ridiculous and frankly pathetic.

Verdict

The Raven has potential but doesn’t apply itself. It’s that lazy kid you knew in school who was really smart but was just didn’t try and never did his work, so he failed. The Raven is a safe movie, if you want to shut your brain off and zone out to an old tale of a cat and mouse chase from a historical perspective then by all means see it. But if you expect more umph and excitement in your films, then The Raven isn’t for you. Now is a time where a story like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter exists, in which Abraham Lincoln fights to stop the spread of Vampires who were obtaining slaves as a source of food rather than labor. You can’t expect a typical cat and mouse thriller to make an impact when stories like that are flying around. The Raven would have been better if it were a book. Oh wait…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time fog inexplicably appears

Take a Drink: every time Detective Fields looks like he’s about to cry.

Take a Drink: every time someone unnecessarily yells at another person

Take a Drink: any time you ask yourself about John Cusack, “Is he playing Poe or Nic Cage?”

Do a Shot: every time you feel terrible for how people lived in the 1800s. Have you seen firefighting back then!?

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever a gun is fired (might cause poisoning, so be careful).

Take a Drink: for each laugh out loud moment that did happen, and each laugh out loud moment that could’ve happened.

Do a Shot: if you imagine Charles Bronson in Jason’s spot.

Read the Full Safe (2012) Review

Back in January, I wrote a piece on my blog which listed a few movies that I predicted would be bad based on their trailers alone. I think it’s safe to say that I was right about Skyline, but Safe? What appeared to be a cookie cutter excuse to see Jason Statham kick people? Well…

…I was wrong. How could this be? It looked like something you’d find at a discounted price in a Big Lots bin. It had all the elements to go wrong, but it ended up being just right. Maybe I should go back and amend my blog entry.

A book I should probably read.

In the film, Jason Statham stars as an ex cage fighter (yes!) with a mysterious special ops past. His life ruined by the Russian mob, Jason lives as a hobo on the verge of suicide. But, before he can do himself in, he ends up protecting a little Chinese girl from corrupt cops, the Chinese and Russian mobs. Can Jason save his soul by saving this girl?

A Toast

First off, this is Jason Statham at his best. The title of this film ought to be The Stath Wrecks Your Shit; almost every character gets shot at or punched by him. He even runs over a poor guy twice. And his most glorious moment? On a subway train, after beating up a gang of Russians, he holds one at gun point. The Russian asks “The garbage collector? You?” (This Russian was one of the guys that put him in his current situation. He also thought he used to be a garbage man). Statham smiles a bit, and responds (I’m gonna paraphrase) “Nah mate. You got the wrong information. I didn’t collect garbage – I disposed of it.” And he blows the guy the fuck away. I wanted to stand up and applaud such a line of dialogue.

+ a good quip = applause

Second, this was shot and edited really well. Surprising, considering it’s B movie story. This might be because of the director Boaz Yakin, who previously worked on the incredible Fresh. I think he wanted to have some fun in doing a Statham fest, while also adding some fancy filmmaking techniques. Props to the opening 15 minutes; they did a great job of establishing the story’s two lead characters.

Beer Two

Unfortunately, for a flick with a director and a star willing to get their hands dirty, the action doesn’t get ridiculous enough. I mean, Statham beats people up, sure, and the gun battles are cool, but where are the rocket launchers? With a story like this, I want really cheesy dialogue and incredibly unnecessary violence. Give me Death Wish 3 and I’m happy.

Go big or go home.

Beer Three

>>>>>>>>>>SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

Jason meets up with Alex, an ex member of his vague special ops team, to make an exchange for the girl. They chat for a bit, and end up squaring off for hand to hand combat.

See, in a scene just prior to this, it’s established that Alex – a character whose importance is not mentioned until around here – is as good or better than Jason is at fighting. So, this could very well be the greatest fight ever! Will Jason win this final pseudo cage without a cage fight? Will Jason lo…

The girl grabs a gun and knee caps Alex. Jason then grabs his gun, and blows the guys brains out (????).

>>>>>>>>>>END SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

Verdict

This is classic Jason Statham. Sure, it doesn’t go as far as I would’ve liked, but it is what it is, and that’s ok.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever a gun is fired (might cause poisoning, so be careful).

Take a Drink: for each laugh out loud moment that did happen, and each laugh out loud moment that could’ve happened.

Do a Shot: if you imagine Charles Bronson in Jason’s spot.

This week was full of interesting DVD releases, but unfortunately we haven’t had time to review Flicka: Country Pride, Curiosity with Stephen Hawkings, Strip Strip Hooray!, or the everpopular Stronger Seniors line of fitness films.  You’ll have to settle for the below.

Haywire -

Haywire (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Our top choice is actually a great one.  MMA star Gina Carano plays a kick-ass female protagonist that actually looks like she could kick an ass without her femur shattering.  Bill Arceneaux loved it as much as I did- give his review a read below:

Read the review

Joyful Noise -

Joyful Noise (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

After that the pickings get slim pretty fast.  This Queen Latifah/Dolly Parton gospel music-off unsurprisingly wasn’t exactly up Jake Peroni’s alley, nabbing a five beer rating…

Read the review

New Year’s Eve -

New Year's Eve (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

…but even that looks good next to The Cinephiliac’s take on Gary Marshall’s annual celebrity-packed soulless holiday abortion.

Read the review

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time the word “Pirate” is used

Anachronism Bingo: remember, this film takes place in the Victorian age, Pirates themselves were a tad anachronistic at this point… Drink whenever you see or hear something that could only have come Twentieth Century.

Do a Shot: for HAM NITE!

Is there anything better? Fuckin’ A, Ham Nite.

Read the full The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2012) Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

Arrrr you ready for t’other Pirate movie? Shiver me timbers, an’ shore up the main sails.  Avast ye scurvy blaggards, I’m talkin’ bout a film that really splices the mainbrace, fills your pockets with doubloons, and leaves no poop decks unswabbed by sweet-lipped cabin boys.  Or be ye a bilge-sucking landlubber,  always kissing the gunner’s daughter with your addled friends drinking rum and coke and callin it grog?  Well then away with ye, ya feckless gobshite, for I rend your bones to make me hardtack.

ED: Just… stop it.  Pirate talk stopped being funny two years ago.

The Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) has been woefully unsuccessful in his career, through a combination of bad luck and gross ineptitude.  With his crew including such members as “The Pirate with a Scarf”, “The Pirate with Gout”, “The Albino Pirate”, and “The Surprisingly Curvaceous Pirate”, he has managed  to capture little more than a cold, and a bad case of scurvy.  The Pirates! Band of Misfits follows the captain’s exploits as he tries to claim the esteemed “Pirate of the Year Award”.

No word on if he applied for this award.

A Toast

Aardman has an excellent track record, and The Pirates! is no exception. The dialog is sharp and witty, and the sight gags are plentiful, so much so that it necessitates requires multiple viewings.  While the studio started producing claymation, they have made a few sojourns into computer graphics.  This film is sort of an amalgamation, using clay in the foreground and CGI in the background, and to create more believable water effects.

What works best about The Pirates! are the well developed and thoroughly humorous characters that populate the film, bolstered of course by voice performances from Salma Hayek, Brian Blessed, and David Tennant.  Even those characters who have less than a couple minutes of screen time are fleshed out quite fully.

Emphasis on flesh…  (Claymation Fapping)

Beer Two

The story can occasionally feel overblown, unfortunately.  It seems that the movie is based on a combination of two novels from author Gideon Dafoe, The Pirates! in an Adventure with Scientists, and The Pirates! in and Adventure with Whaling.  This was perhaps a misstep, as the film is at its best when focusing on absurd humor and situations, which are often delayed in favor of bloated plot contrivances.  There is simply too much story to tell in 88 minutes without sacrifice.

Computer Games are the superior venue for pirate humor, clearly

Verdict

A wonderfully funny film for any age group, though occasionally tries to do a bit too much for its own good.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time the word “Pirate” is used

Anachronism Bingo: remember, this film takes place in the Victorian age, Pirates themselves were a tad anachronistic at this point… Drink whenever you see or hear something that could only have come Twentieth Century.

Do a Shot: for HAM NITE!

Is there anything better? Fuckin’ A, Ham Nite.

]]> http://movieboozer.com/2012/04/30/the-pirates-band-of-misfits-2012/feed/ 0 http://movieboozer.com/2012/04/30/the-daily-shotgun-april-30th/ http://movieboozer.com/2012/04/30/the-daily-shotgun-april-30th/#comments Mon, 30 Apr 2012 10:00:30 +0000 Henry J. Fromage http://movieboozer.com/?p=21677 By: Henry J. Fromage -

Today is classy literary news day for the first couple of stories, then classless actions torn from the news day for the last, because finding thin parallels between the stories in this column is not at all a waste of time…

First off, Russian literature is always a good place to delve into if you’re a filmmaker, and I’m extremely excited for Joe Wright’s take on Anna Karenina this year.  Actor/Director Christian Camargo’s also going the less conventional route with his adaptation of Chekhov’s play The Seagull.  He updated the material to modern times and set it in ruralNew England, where families clash and romances form and dissolve over a Memorial Day weekend.  The cast includes William Hurt, Allison Janney, Katie Holmes, Jean Reno, and Russell Means so far, and with 11 major roles in the original play, may only get larger.  This is Camargo’s directorial debut, but there’s nothing in his acting career so far that would constitute a warning sign, so I’m intrigued.

Wait, shit.

Mia Wasikowska’s already done the classic literature thing with Jane Eyre, but that was so good that I’m just fine with seeing her return to that well.  This time around she’ll play Emma Bovary, the protagonist from Gustave Flaubert’s domestic drama/tragedy Madame Bovary.  The book is considered a masterpiece for parlaying a conventional plot and a fixation on the banalities of life into detailed, fine prose… so a filmed adaptation could be a challenge.  Paul Giamatti’s involvement is hopeful sign, though, and it’s promising that they have a director on board with a deep understanding of the female psyche, being a woman and all (Sophie Barthes).

Their second choice didn’t have quite as firm a grip on the subject

Now for the classless actions portion of this piece.  High on that list is the act of shooting a defenseless person in the back, which is precisely what subway Police Officer Johannes Mehserle did to Oscar Grant back on New Years, 2009.  The case has obvious parallels to the Trayvon Martin case that is lighting up the news now, which a Hollywood cynic might say has something to do with the timing of the announcement of Fruitvale.  The film will examine the last day of Grant’s life, and is set to star Chronicle and Friday Night Lights standout Michael B. Jordan and recent Oscar-winner Octavia Spencer.  The writer/director, Ryan Coogler, is a first-timer, but the pedigree of that cast is promising and the story is one that should be told.

Wait, I have to make a joke about this?  Fuck… maybe they should cast Alan Rickman as Mehserle?

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you see Tom in a pink bunny suit.

Take a Drink: every time there’s the funeral of a grandparent. Yep!

Take a Drink: every time you hear a Van Morrison tune, in original form or cover song. Your choice!

Do a Shot: during the hilarious rant of Tom’s mother over Bloody Marys where she sets him straight about his priorities with Violet.

Read the full The Five-Year Engagement (2012) Review

By: Jenna Zine  (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Loving couple Tom (Jason Segel) and Violet (Emily Blunt) decide to postpone their wedding, in hopes that the timing will improve, after Violet’s job forces them to temporarily relocate from San Francisco to Ann Arbor, Michigan. The delay begins to cause strain as the years drift by…

A Toast

The Five-Year Engagement is another Judd Apatow production that reunites the creative writing team of Jason Segel and director Nicholas Stoller, whose previous work together was showcased in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. You know what to expect with this team: hilarity, slightly off-kilter dialogue, a solid plot, kinetic performances and a lot of raunchiness. TFYE delivers this satisfying formula, with large thanks going to Jason and Emily as the engaging and believable leads.

Another thing Apatow and company excel at are subplots and secondary characters. Due to the strength of the writing and directing, characters that would otherwise go unnoticed or unremembered are given a chance to shine with even the fewest lines. This film’s standout star with a small role is Lauren Weedman as Chef Sally. She’s barely in the movie, but you’ll be left wishing there was more of her.

This is just the beginning – literally!

Lots of fun is also had with adorable costars Allison Brie (as Suzie, Violet’s sister) and Chris Pratt (as Tom’s best friend, Alex). Pratt plays a character similar to his Parks & Recs persona, but does so with his usual goofy affection. Co-writers Jason Segel and Nicholas Stoller have an incredible ear for dialogue and are not afraid to evenly distribute the pithy one-liners. This leads to a well-rounded experience, where everyone gets to have a blast. I’d say it’s all the more noteworthy, given that Segel could easily hog the best bits to himself; that’s not his game though, and it speaks well of his commitment to the project’s overall quality. Kudos, Jason! (Watch a great interview that addresses Jason and Nicholas’ writing process via The Hollywood Reporter, if you’re interested in learning more.) The dirty jokes are the highlight of any Apatow flick and the same goes here. Also a fight between Violet and Suzie, in front of Suzie’s kids, exclusively using the voices of Cookie Monster and Elmo, had me in tears. That scene alone makes this a must-see!

Hi, I’m Allison Brie. I can also look adorable with a pink, fluffy thing on my head!

Beer Two

While this movie is an undeniably frothy concoction, it does fall a little flat in parts. I also experienced a five-year engagement, but it was due to the terminal illness of my husband’s sister. It’s difficult to plan a wedding when one of your bridesmaids is going to die. Delayed nuptials brought on by great job opportunities in two different cities frankly didn’t sound that dire to me, so perhaps that colored my opinion. But this isn’t MovieBoozer Presents A Lifetime Television Event: Jenna & Larry Finally Get Married! (Though, if this comes to fruition, I insist on casting approval. It must be Shannen Doherty. I shan’t sign over the rights if Jennifer Love Hewitt is in the running.)

The lack of sparkle in parts is ironically brought on by what a great job Segel did with the development of the main characters. Tom loves Violet unconditionally and wants to see her succeed so he naturally agrees to the move. However, in doing so, he gives up much of the things in his life that made him happy. This brings on a crisis of low self-esteem, accompanied by a serious depression. And, while it’s understandable and relatable, those symptoms don’t make for a bawdy giggle-fest that everyone has come to associate with this crew. Tighter editing could’ve insinuated the nuances of Tom’s depression while still keeping the laughs coming at a consistent pace.

Culinary adventures are abound in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Don’t get me wrong – the film is still a ton of fun and it’s bursting with quotable lines. It’s also cool for diehard fans of romantic comedies to experience things from a man’s perspective, which is all too rare in the genre. I know a lot of things are from a man’s perspective, so that might go over like a lead balloon. However, I was swayed by watching the interview (see link above) with Segel talking about the care he took in creating the characters and how he crafted them with a willingness to step into each part. I appreciated that he flip-flopped the roles of a man willing to follow a woman for her career instead of the standard reverse. Sure, he’s miserable while doing it – but he tried!

Beer Three

I’ve just got to ask – what’s up with Judd Apatow’s theme of women having drunken one-night stands, getting pregnant, keeping the babies and marrying men they barely know?  Surprise pregnancies are rarely so fun in real life – nor do they tend to work out so seamlessly. Drink up, ladies – apparently your happy ending is waiting at the end of several cocktails after unprotected sex with a stranger. Let the joys of family life commence!

Verdict

TFYE receives a thumb’s up (bottle’s up) for bringing a touch of reality to rom-coms, while still providing numerous laugh-out-loud moments. It fits the standard rom-com mold to a T, but it’s still a pretty fun mold to wear.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you see Tom in a pink bunny suit.

Take a Drink: every time there’s the funeral of a grandparent. Yep!

Take a Drink: every time you hear a Van Morrison tune, in original form or cover song. Your choice!

Do a Shot: during the hilarious rant of Tom’s mother over Bloody Marys where she sets him straight about his priorities with Violet.

Last Call

You’re free to go when the credits start rolling. Surprisingly there are no bonus tidbits.

Take a Drink: whenever someone acts hostile or suspicious

Drink a Shot: whenever you see Tasmanian Tiger footage

e hell? You’re going to need something to get through this depressing mess. #9 – Bully (2012) - Rated 2 Beers:  An immensely effective, and brutally emotional documentary.  Read the full review!

Take a Drink:

  # 5 – The Cabin in the Woods (2012) - Rated A Toast: The movie does nothing wrong.  There may be parts that aren’t great (pffft I didn’t see any!) but they are balanced out by a lot of good stuff.  I can’t guarantee how much you’ll like the movie if you don’t like ANY horror.  If you’re a horror fan though, Cabin In The Woods WILL NOT let you down.  Review the full review!Take a Drink: for the obligatory horror movie boob shotDo a Shot: for the severed/isolated hands (you’ll know what I mean)Do a Shot: every time the movie gets cliched and do another shot if the movie calls itself on it

Take a Drink: for the unicorn!!

#4 – The Three Stooges (2012) - Rated 5 Beers:  My advice is to stick with the original shorts if you need a Stooges fix.  They’ve recently been remastered for official DVD release and the quality is quite good. Read the full review!

Take a Drink: at every slow-motion shot of Lauren gazing lustfully at a man in an expensive car.

Take a Drink: at every montage in which every character is experiencing the same emotions.

Take a Drink: every time Cedric says something outrageous at the top of his lungs.

Take a Drink: every time a character drinks red wine.

Take a Shot:  Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown. #2 – American Reunion (2012) - Rated 5 Beers: I wish I could recommend this as good raunchy fun, but it’s just not. If you want a good slap in the face, by all means, purchase a ticket.  Read the full review!Take a Drink: if you were expecting something with a bit more heart.Take a Drink: when you start feeling embarrassed for the actors.Do a Shot: because Stiffler eating a dog turd in American Wedding was NOT the lowest moment of the series.

  #1 – Titanic 3D (2012) - Rated A Toast: Considering the time it was produced, Titanic was a monumental achievement in film. If I had to pick a fault in the film I would say it is its 194 minute run-time.  I’m all for character development, but I’m not a fan of having to take pee breaks without intermissions.  However, it’s a really great love story and if you aren’t watching it with a date you can always play the drinking game.  Cheers!  Read the full review!Take a Drink: whenever you hear Celine Dion music playing in the background.Take a Drink: whenever someone says Rose or Jack.Take a Drink: whenever you see a firework/rocket or flare light up.

Take a Drink: whenever you see a cigarette.

Take a Drink: whenever Cal gets jealous or fires a gun.

Take a Drink: whenever you see money or hear someone talk about it.

Take a Drink: every time someone spits.

Take a Shot: when someone gets spit on in the face or swallows their spit.

Take a Drink: whenever someone jumps or falls from the Titanic.

Do a Shot: when the string quartet stops playing.

Take a Drink: whenever you see water gush from windows or doors.

  ]]> http://movieboozer.com/2012/04/29/top-10-movie-drinking-games-april-2012/feed/ 0 http://movieboozer.com/2012/04/28/bully-2012-drinking-game/ http://movieboozer.com/2012/04/28/bully-2012-drinking-game/#comments Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:30:11 +0000 Oberst von Berauscht http://movieboozer.com/?p=21908

Take a Drink: when the word “bully” is used

Take a Drink: when the school principal does or says something totally ignorant

Drink a Shot: when something hits too close to home

Read the full Bully (2012) review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Two Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Anyone who has been the victim of protracted childhood bullying knows the toll it takes both physically, and mentally.  It is a feeling of helplessness, in severe cases worthlessness.  Adults are often slow to help, assuming that the child is either exaggerating the events, or believing that bullying is just inevitable in school.  There is a large proportion of adults who blame the victims for not standing up for themselves.

Every kid has a kindly old Japanese Karate master-friend right?

Bully, the new documentary from filmmaker Lee Hirsch, explores this topic through interviews with parents, School Administrators, and the students themselves, in an effort to raise awareness of the issue.  The film also explores the horrifyingly extreme results of bullying, profiling the parents of Ty Smalley and Tyler Long, two children whose desperation to stop the attacks resulted in their suicides.

A Toast

Filmmaker Hirsch’s approach to the film is to minimize his own profile, allowing his interview subjects to tell the story themselves.  His non-interventionist approach to the interviews pays off in droves, effectively capturing the spirit within his interviewees.  One of the challenges of the film must have been to get the younger children to participate so openly.  It is a small, but significant victory that the conversations don’t end up coming off like this:

It is amazing how little the children censor themselves in the presence of a guy with a video camera.  A great deal of credit should be given to the editors, who weave through each family’s story seamlessly, without it becoming difficult to follow.

There are powerfully emotional moments throughout the film that may test the limits of your tear-ducts. But rest assured, that Bully has an ultimately positive message.  It is a call to arms for parents and children all over the world to think about their actions, and how they affect others.

Beer Two

While Hirsch does a fantastic job at pointing out the affects of Bullying, his film never addresses the reasons bullying occurs, nor does he attempt to confront the Bullys, and parents of Bullys.  This is a missed opportunity, as the first step in identifying a solution to any problem is to find the cause.  Of course, this would have complicated the narrative of the film, and logistically would have presented the additional challenge of attempting to interview subjects who did not want to be profiled.  It doesn’t hurt the film’s purpose much, but I do hope that Hirsch, or some other filmmaker out there takes the initiative and addresses this issue in a companion film.  There is no excuse for Bullying, despite what that shitty John Hughes movies would have you believe.

“My Dad beats me, which gives me license to take it out on all of you”

But that’s ok because that “Simple Minds” song makes it better. (Fuck you, Judd Nelson)

Verdict

An immensely effective, and brutally emotional documentary.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when the word “bully” is used

Take a Drink: when the school principal does or says something totally ignorant

Drink a Shot: when something hits too close to home

This week in “What the Fuck?”: Sabrina the Teenage Witch is getting a reboot.  Normally I wouldn’t even bother writing about this, because, seriously, who gives a shit about an Archie Comics character turned crappy 90s sitcom subject? (Feel free to disagree vehemently in the comments).  But this idea was too batshit to ignore.  First off, Sabrina will be repurposed as a superhero, with an origin story and everything, of course.  Then, her cat, Salem, goes from being an uncanny talking taxidermy accident to a… “transformed prince creating unique love stories for Sabrina”?

“Pucker up! Also, my ability to speak is just a hallucination caused by my putrefying organs!”

This week was Gerard Butler week, apparently.  His name is being floated around for several projects, but the two most likely of them are below.  The more intriguing to me is Manhunt, which will team him with Breck Eisner, director of the pretty impressive The Crazies remake.  The movie follows some FBI agents who enlist the help of a bear hunter to track down the number one guy on their Most Wanted list, a domestic terrorist and Man vs. Wild type who’s waging a sort of guerilla war with the help of some backwoods locals on the government.  What’s not clear as of yet is which role Butler will fill.  FBI Agent? Bear Hunter? Crazed Survivalist? Dangerous Hillbilly?  All of the above?

I’m imagining an Ultimate Warrior-style approach

The next project, Afterburn, is more genre material, this time sci-fi.  Adapted from a graphic novel, of course, it centers on a treasure hunter exploring a post-apocalyptic landscape where solar flares have destroyed civilization.  He’s fixated on finding the valuables buried in the rubble, and must evade bounty hunters and mutants to do so.  Behind the camera will be Tommy Wirkola, who’s pretty awesome Nazi Zombie flick Dead Snow landed him the Jeremy Renner/Gemma Arterton fairy tale action vehicle Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, whose January release date suggests something less than awesome.  Until we see that, it’ll be hard to get a read on this project, although I suppose something this amazing should get you a free pass or two:

Did you read that part where I wrote “Nazi Zombies?”  Yes and Fuck Yes.

The Interrupters (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a murder is mentioned

Take a Drink: for every confrontation broken up or situation defused

Take a Drink: every time an Interrupter acts just a mite bit proud of a criminal past

Take a Drink: every time you hear a piece of slang you don’t recognize (white people, be honest)

Do a Shot: every time Caprysha attempts to burn a bridge

Read the full The Interrupters (2011) Review

The Interrupters (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

So, documentary filmmaker Steve James must be a serial lawn-shitter with a special preference for the grass of Hollywood bigwigs.  That, or he’s just really popular with their daughters.  Because I don’t know what else could explain the apparent disdain he gets from the Academy come Oscar time.  His 1994 inner-city basketball documentary Hoop Dreams is widely recognized as one of the finest, if not the finest, documentaries of all time, but it couldn’t get an Oscar nomination.  Last year’s The Interrupters made its mark as potentially the best of its genre in 2011, and didn’t even make the shortlist for consideration…

It’s probably the daughters.  Stone cold silver fox.

Regardless of what Oscar thinks (which, honestly, is always the right mindset) The Interrupters is an amazing piece of work.  It follows CeaseFire, an incredibly brave group of citizens in inner-city Chicago who devote their lives to inserting themselves into potentially violent situations and defusing them.  Made up of local residents and former criminals and gang members, they have the ability and know-how to reach these people that other efforts simply can’t match.  And they’re stunningly successful- reducing murder rates an unprecedented 40-45% in some neighborhoods.  This film tells their story.

A Toast

And it’s a hell of a story.  The Interrupters lets the principals relate it themselves, intercut with footage of them at work defusing violent situations and attempting to address the problem of violence at large.  The latter makes the cameraman a pretty ballsy bastard, but that pales in comparison to people like Ameena Matthews and Eddie Bocanegra, who do this every day.  However, it’s not until they tell their personal stories that it becomes clear just how brave these individuals are.

Braver

CeaseFire views violence as an infection, passed on by both heritage and contact, a stance that is buttressed by the pasts of its members.  Matthews was the daughter of a noted Chicago gangster, Jeff Fort, and rose quickly in the organization as a drug dealer and, incredibly, feared enforcer.  Bocanegra was the son of Mexican immigrants who rejected the all-work, no-traction lifestyle of his parents and found a quicker way to money and respect through a talent for boosting cars.  Both could have continued in this lifestyle until it finally claimed them, but violent confrontations and incarceration stopped them in their tracks and put them on different paths.

On the film-making side, not only does James capture some harrowing footage, he does a great job immersing us in a world that a great many people don’t know anything more about than what they see on TV or hear in lyrics spun by a load of prep-school posers and very few actual inhabitants of the street.  This should be required viewing for anyone who’s ever bitched about the ghetto or its inhabitants without ever having taken the time to see it or actually talk to one.

No, playing golf with Bernie Madoff at Country Club Pen doesn’t make you hard

What makes The Interrupters great is that it is more than just a collection of inspirational stories or a profile of an organization.  While it’s not an all-encompassing view of the problems of the ghetto, it does an amazing job of capturing the complexities of the situation and the incredibly difficulty of creating change.  In particular, Matthews’ efforts to help Caprysha, a young woman with a tragic past, show how hard it is to reach someone whose survival up until this point has depended on building walls around all of the horrible things that have happened to her, and loading emotional tripwires with violent consequences to protect them.  How do you convince someone like that to tear down those walls, convince them that a future that they’d given up on long ago is possible, convince them to hope?  Like real life, this film doesn’t offer any easy answers, besides the only conscionable one- don’t stop trying.

Verdict

The Interrupters tells the story of a group of courageous, heartbreaking people risking everything to make a change.  If that’s not worth at least a toast, nothing is.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time a murder is mentioned

Take a Drink: for every confrontation broken up or situation defused

Take a Drink: every time an Interrupter acts just a mite bit proud of a criminal past

Take a Drink: every time you hear a piece of slang you don’t recognize (white people, be honest)

Do a Shot: every time Caprysha attempts to burn a bridge

Some projects keep popping up in the news with new casting announcements or directorial changes just frequently enough to remain in the back of your mind.  Remember that John Gotti flick with Lindsay Lohan and John Travolta that dominated headlines last year?  I think enough time’s passed to assume we’ll be spared that now.  A much more intriguing example of this is We’re the Millers, which has changed directors and gone through actors like Jason Bateman, Will Arnett, and Steve Buscemi in the past.  Now it looks like director Rawson Thurber (Dodgeball) Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston might just make the film happen.  It’s about pot dealer (Sudeikis) who decides to get ambitious and head to Mexico for 1,400 pounds of weed.  In order to do this, he rents a RV and rounds up a fake family, including a prostitute to pose as his wife (Aniston). So, Breaking Bad meets National Lampoon’s Vacation?  Yeah, I’ll bite.

What movie couldn’t use more drugs?

Okay, Muhammad Ali’s Greatest Fight probably doesn’t.  Stephen Frears (The Hours) will direct the tale of Ali’s Supreme Court battle to be recognized as a conscientious objector during Vietnam.  In an interesting twist, the boxer will be represented entirely by archival footage, with Benjamin Walker (Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter) playing the young clerk who supported his case and Danny Glover, Christopher Plummer, Frank Langella, Ed Begley, Jr., and director Barry Levinson all playing Justices. Sounds like some pretty damn juicy roles to me.

Especially that of Frank Langella’s robot companion

Speaking of interesting casts, Half a Yellow Sun is doing its best to compile one.  The story is set during the little know Nigerian-Biafran War from 1967-1970, which resulted when the British pulled out of Nigeria.  A household is thrown in turmoil by these events and the personal decisions they make during and in response to them.  Chiwetel Ejiofor will play an intellectual, and Thandie Newton will play a rare double role as his girlfriend and her twin sister, whose lover is a British ex-pat played by Dominic Cooper.  The last piece of the cast is John Boyega, who will likely play Ejiofor’s 13 year old houseboy, even though he’s a bit old for the role as originally written.

Or maybe the amount of alien ass-kicking he did the last time I saw him just makes me imagine him in more adult roles.

Labyrinth (1986) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you see Jareth’s bulging junk.

Take a Drink: for every puppet you try to “figure out.”

Take a Drink: every time you laugh at childish things, like the lake that farts.

Do a Shot: every time a musical number makes you cringe.

Read the full Labyrinth (1986) Review

Labyrinth (1986) DVD / Blu-ray

By: The Cinephiliac (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

I like to think of myself as a film aficionado. In fact, one of my earliest memories is being in a movie theater with my father and brother, standing in my seat while we watched 1991′s Body Parts. I’ve been injecting movies into my veins since then. Film is such an addiction that I’m $20,000 in debt for the rest of my life because I studied it in school. Nevertheless, despite the number of obscure indie films and outdated classics I’ve seen, there are still a slew of major films and cult classics that have somehow escaped my grasp.

People seem almost disgusted when I admit that I’ve never seen My Cousin Vinny, Jerry Maguire, or Blade Runner. That’s right, I played the PC game religiously but have never actually seen Blade Runner in its entirety. Even classic fantasy films that are staples of my generation’s childhood, like Legend, The Dark Crystal, and Labyrinth slipped away through the cracks. That is until I remembered that Netflix is a personal gift from the cinematic gods and hosts a ridiculous amount of missed gems that I can seek out. I’m currently on a quest to watch all of the films I feel I’ve been deprived of, starting with one I’ve heard of for years but never knew anything about.

Labyrinth follows the quest of Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) an angst-filled and slightly bitchy drama queen. And I don’t mean that facetiously; Sarah has such a passion for drama that the film opens to her reciting lines from a play called “Labyrinth.” Sarah lives with her head so far in the clouds that she likes to think of her benign stepmother as wicked and her baby stepbrother, Toby, as a plague on her house. After being reminded that she is to babysit for the night, Sarah’s teenage rage becomes too much to handle and she wishes that her infant brother were taken away by the goblins of her play. She is then visited by The Goblin King, Jareth, a ridiculously large crotched David Bowie. In order to get her brother back, Sarah has 13 hours to navigate through a magical and tricky maze to Jareth’s castle, a task never before completed. Sarah must overcome her stubborn ways and come of age in an Alice in Wonderland-ish type world

A Toast

Directed by the talented puppet master himself, Jim Henson, Labyrinth shows just what a visionary genius Henson actually was. Made in 1986, Labyrinth stands the test of time as an amazingly beautiful piece of art. Many of my friends warned me in advance of its datedness, however, I was more shocked and awed at just how revolutionary the special effects in Labyrinth were and still are. Henson and his crew didn’t have the luxury of using heavy computer generated images so instead they relied on painstaking puppetry and craft work, elaborate set design, and good old fashioned camera trickery.

One of these things is not like the other… but I’m not quite sure which.

In one scene Jareth threatens Sarah by throwing a snake at her face. The real life snake in his hands hits her throat, coiling around it, but instantly becomes a scarf that she throws to the ground. The moment the scarf hits the ground a goblin of Jareth’s appears from underneath and laughs at her. The scene cuts to show her scared reaction just as a number of goblins appear behind her in the nooks and crannies of her room.  They also laugh at her, but quickly return to their hiding spots once she turns around. The scene is creepy, funny, and pretty damn cool.

When I wasn’t oohing and ahing at how impressive the camera trickery and puppeteering is, my mind was further being blown by the set design. Places like the labyrinth, rooms within buildings, and even forests are complex and intricate. At one point in the film Sarah is confronted by Jareth in a staircase room inspired by MC Escher’s “Relativity.” I’m still not quite sure if the entire room was really built with the myriad staircases or if only some were constructed and a painted background helped create the effect. Either way the use of wires or maybe just that crafty camera trickery is used to allow the actors to walk up a flight of stairs that has no base or origin nor rule of gravity. As a character walks up one way, they end up going another, further blowing my effing mind as to how intense the editing and physical manifestation of the scene must have been.

“The power of my crotch made this all possible.”

Beer Two

While Labyrinth holds its ground and continues to be impressive twenty plus years after its creation, it reminds you that it’s an outdated 80s film at times, due largely in part to its corny musical numbers led mostly by Bowie. I have no qualms with Bowie and the handful of songs I know by him, but I’ve never understood his appeal. To me he has the voice of a tone deaf drunk dad at karaoke and his musical numbers in Labyrinth couldn’t be more tone deaf and karaoke-like. The music in the movie is frankly awful, complete with cheesy 80s synths, off kilter drum beats, and ridiculous lyrics. “Dance Magic Dance” may be one of the worst songs I’ve heard and I’ve listened to William Hung’s version of “She Bangs.”

More like ‘Stop, Bowie, Stop!’

Verdict

At the time of its release Labyrinth tanked. With a budget of $25 million it only made $13 million, apparently destroying Henson’s ego and will to direct another film. Critic Gene Siskel said at the time Labyrinth was a “pathetic story” and had a “visually ugly style.” How these words could be used to describe Labyrinth baffles me. It may be the most ingenious and creative film I’ve ever seen. Visually it’s just astounding and the characters and the artistic design of it all are concepts and images that I’ve never seen before.  My own dreams aren’t even that imaginative! There’s also a smart and witty humor within Labyrinth that kept me laughing out loud.

Labyrinth is a story which Jim Henson, Terry Jones, and a writer for Fraggle Rock all had their hands in creating and if you appreciate any of those aspects then Labyrinth is sure to impress even if you haven’t seen it since childhood.

“We’re just as impressed with this movie as The Cinephiliac was.”

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you see Jareth’s bulging junk.

Take a Drink: for every puppet you try to “figure out.”

Take a Drink: every time you laugh at childish things, like the lake that farts.

Do a Shot: every time a musical number makes you cringe.

Time to get bogged down by some more cases of the seen-its!

The Five-Year Engagement -

It’s getting unbelievable how often trailers give you the entire plot. Sure, a movie about a long engagement and unbearable, meddling parents and a couple who have completely reasonable grounds for putting off their wedding seems like it’s predictable—so why does it matter? But, can’t we just pretend we don’t know what’s going to happen in this one?

Who thought she’d run into that door?! That was crazy!!

Romantic comedies about weddings are certainly familiar ground. It’s like, you turn on the TV every day and there’s one being advertised for or featured as the afternoon movie. It’s the same basic story with the same basic climax (if you can call it that! Amirite?) with the same basic ending. Would it kill romantic comedies to spice it up once and awhile? It’s been decades! How are we supposed to stay interested when it’s the same routine day in and day out, romantic comedies? Go shave your legs at least.

Beer Prediction

I’d watch Jason Segel shave his legs and enjoy it, and this Emily Blunt character seems charming enough. But, if you’re going to retread such mundane ground, you have to do better than slapstick pratfalls, punchable parents, and relying on the actors to make it work.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits -

Have pirates been done before? Of course. But, these ones are claymation and delightfully British! What’s that? Those so-called Caribbean pirates were British? I said, delightfully.

The makers of Wallace & Gromit, Aardman Animations, practically have a patent on cute and funny clay adventures. They manage to make a worn-out trend fun again (the last time being somewhere between The Pirates of the Caribbean 1 and when that first swarm of haggard, slutty-Captain-Jack-Sparrows did their walks of shame on November 1st, 2003.) It certainly seems more clever, charming, and funny than all of those Bruckheimer milkings combined. I can even ignore that it’s unnecessarily in 3D. (The claymation is cool enough, guys.)

Beer Prediction

The Raven -

Someone appears to be copy-catting the “The Raven” by Edgar Allan Poe in their devious murders. Or at least I have to assume so; I’ve never read it because it sounds super boring. It’s a well-known narrative poem from the mid-1800s, and if The Simpsons did it, you know it’s engrained in our culture. And because of that, I’m vaguely familiar with it. And there ain’t no murder mystery involved.

Cue the ‘nevermore’ puns.

It’s my understanding that there is literally a talking raven in the poem and I’m surprised this doesn’t have a CGI one that squawks to John Cusack as he tries to solve the case. They might as well: it seems about as cheap as wanting to write a murder movie but needing popular, classic, and free source material to add a sense of gravitas and dollar signs to your flick.

(I miss you, Mr. Show)

Beer Prediction

To add insult to injury, the acting sucks 19th century gothic revival titties.

Safe (2012) -

There seems to be a movie called “Safe” every couple of years (just 1995, 1998, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010, and 2011; no big deal) similar to how there’s a movie where The Stath is punching Asians in the face every couple of years*. (Interesting sidenote: Jason Statham is described as being a former “black market salesman” in his IMDB profile. I would much rather find out ‘of what?!’ than write a preview for this, but thems the brakes.)

All black market ponderings aside, this one looks kinda cool. Once again, protecting a special kid isn’t new, but The Stath always delivers on suave-yet-hardcore action. And what more do you want from a Jason Statham movie anyway?

Beer Prediction

To quote the man himself, “You ain’t ever gonna get an Academy Award for doing Crank [2006] and you certainly won’t for doing all the other movies I’ve done.”

*Reference needed.

The Romantics (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Josh Duhamel graces a scene (or Malin Akerman, depending on your preference – they’re both equally capable of burning up the screen)!

Take a Drink: every time you shake your head at Lila’s bridezilla antics.

Take a Drink: every time Chip does – he’s the resident lush for the weekend

Do a Shot: it’s Candice Bergen! Recognize.

Read the full The Romantics (2010) Review

The Romantics (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jenna Zine (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Seven friends from college reunite for a wedding; but there’s a wrench in the plans when it’s revealed that the maid of honor is in love with the groom. Needless to say, the bride is none too happy…

A Toast

The movie is shot with hues of gray, along with the requisite “shaky cam.” That’s your head’s up that shit is about to get real, people. Though it was marketed as a rom-com, it’s really more of a rom-drama. The slow moving, dialogue-heavy film focuses on glum Laura (Katie Holmes), who shows up at best friend Lila’s (Anna Paquin) sweeping estate for a fancy wedding to hunky Tom (Josh Duhamel). The dear friends rounding out the ensemble include free spirit Tripler (Malin Akerman), Jake (Adam Brody), creepy Chip (Elijah Wood), as well as Pete and Weesie (newcomers Jeremy Strong and Rebecca Lawrence). Candice Bergen and Glee’s Dianna Agron also make appearances as the bride’s mother and sister, respectively. The nuanced work of this talented cast makes this a pleasant DVD experience.

I’m not gonna lie – I’ve seen happier wedding parties. I’d kill for one of those bridesmaid dresses, though. Featuring non-hideous silk!

Beer Two

This is the art house version of Something Borrowed, which showcases a similar plot with a bigger budget feel. To its credit, The Romantics builds slowly and lets the viewer put the pieces together as to why Laura is so tortured in her role as maid of honor – versus Something Borrowed, which comes at audience members with a sledgehammer. (Read Oberst Von Berauscht’s excellent review of Something Borrowed from this site here.) Katie Holmes holds her own as a heartbroken woman who can’t understand why her love life went off the rails. She and Josh Duhamel share a believable chemistry as a former couple that has obviously retained a simmering passion. I haven’t seen Katie act this well since she had to choose between Dawson and Pacey! Anna Paquin is a tougher nut to crack – she also delivers a great performance, but comes across as an uptight ice queen – which makes it difficult to believe that Josh’s character would be conflicted about his choice. Malin Akerman shines, per usual, as the gorgeous comic relief.

Beer Three

Where does it fall apart? The problem is twofold: it’s film that wants to take itself a touch too seriously while making an all too-obvious ploy for drama. Laura doesn’t just have feelings for Tom – they dated for four years before Lila interfered with their relationship. What sane bride, best friend or no, would invite that kind of trouble to her wedding – much less have it stand beside her at the alter? Furthermore, what woman would agree to be the maid of honor after her “best friend” essentially “stole” her boyfriend? The fact that these two would’ve made it much past (barely) speaking terms was hard for me to buy. Granted, I might not be the most spiritually evolved person, given that I still haven’t forgiven a certain someone for following my husband around so she could “discuss his Wikipedia page.” But, come on – only a damn fool doesn’t know what it means when a woman spends her time researching a man on the Internet. I’ve got your number, lady! Moving on.

The plus side was the implied, but slightly ambiguous, ending. It was nice to be left alone to wrap up the loose pieces, versus being told exactly how to feel.

Is that an attractive cast, or are you just happy to see me? Note Anna Paquin’s absence. Foreshadowing! [Photo Credit]

Verdict

Katie Holmes takes a break from being Tom Cruise’s robot/wife and gives the whole “acting thing” a shot. She also took on producer duties. Worth a look, if you have time to spare on a rainy afternoon.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Josh Duhamel graces a scene (or Malin Akerman, depending on your preference – they’re both equally capable of burning up the screen)!

Take a Drink: every time you shake your head at Lila’s bridezilla antics.

Take a Drink: every time Chip does – he’s the resident lush for the weekend

Do a Shot: it’s Candice Bergen! Recognize.

“You will watch The Romantics!”

(For old time’s sake. This image never ceases to entertain me…) [Photo Credit]

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Zac Efron gives his stoic half-smile™

Take a Drink: for every plot hurdle that is overcome in the name of passionate make-out sessions, Take an Extra Drink when overcoming the hurdle results in “water-related makeouts” ©Nicolas Sparks

Predictable-Plot-Twist Challenge:  As you’re watching the movie, try to predict either the next line, the next choice made by x character, or the next plot twist; if you’re right, take a drink, if you’re wrong, down a shot of hard booze.

Read the full The Lucky One (2012) Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Pack) -

HI EVERYONEOMGz my name is Kim and I’m totally loving Zac Efron!, he is just like, the hawtest boy I’ve ever seen, I would so let him buy me dinner! (LOLZ!1) JK, I would totally tho!  And then he could, like, save my life or something, and let me pet his dawg.  And then I’d ask him for a ring and he’d buy it for me, but only if it wasn’t too expensive, I’m not a whore or anything. ZOMG!!! and then we could do make outs, but only for as long as I wanted too, and he’d be ok with that.  And Taylor Schilling is so making me want to lez out and then, like… hey, who are you?

Oberst: Back! Tween hell bitch! BACK! *sprays with cleaning fluid*

Kim: Oh god! My eyes!, I feel spring fresh, IN MY EYEEEEESS…..

Works every time

A Toast

Since every single Nicholas Sparks novel is a variant on the same plot, allow me the courtesy of foregoing a synopsis.

Needless to say, this is in fact a Nicholas Sparks movie, and if you’re a 14-30 year old Girl, you will probably want to get your friends together to have a good long cry.  Yes, the argument could be made that this kind of film capitalizes on female emotions in much the same way that pornography capitalizes on erections, but if we can take Ol’ Lefty out for a date once in awhile, why can’t the Mrs. go out for the evening and pretend she didn’t marry a serial masturbator?

Note to self, flammable liquids do not a lube make…

Beer Two

There is little enough memorable in this train wreck of schmaltz, but the first thing you’ll find displeasing is the opening monologue, set to a beautiful helicopter shot of the Louisiana Delta.
“You know, the smallest thing can change your life, and to find the light, you must pass through the deepest darkness”
So movie, that’s it?  You’re going to just kick things off with clichéd bullshit?  Admittedly, it sets the tone quite well.

Beer Three

Zac Efron’s character Logan reminds me of Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.  Minus the ability to evoke emotion, and the potential of a career anywhere outside of mawkish tripe.  In The Lucky One his facial reactions range anywhere from “overdose of botox”, to “recent stroke victim”.

He was so much more lively in his “Bieber Hair” stage.

Beer Four

Jay R. Ferguson plays the role of “Asshole Ex with an irrational hatred of Three-Dimensional storytelling”.  From the first moment he is introduced, you can tell that he is going to be the unnecessary antagonist, who is just waiting to do something dickish, like increase the screen-time beyond the audience’s patience.  And by the time that his character starts to show some depth, he is unceremoniously killed off in a moment that must have been very convenient for the screenwriters.

Coffee Breaks are a priority, original writing less so…

Beer Five

This beer goes down with immense empathy for Blythe Danner, whose character is that of the “Wise Friend/Mother Figure” for Taylor Schilling.  She seems to have been typecast for a long time as “quirky middle-aged foil” to the lead character.  And too be fair, she does manage to be the most interesting character here.  That is, if you ignore the fact that this character is present in every Lifetime television movie known to man, as well as 90% of romantic films ever made.

Beer Six

Some random thoughts I had sitting in the theater:

“For god’s sake, just show her the fucking picture already, it’s not getting any less creepy.”

“So, he walked from Colorado to Louisiana to get a job at a kennel, and Taylor Schilling thinks he’s crazy, but a 1 minute conversation with Blythe Danner has proven that he is both; A: Qualified to take care of living creatures, and B: Not planning on raping anyone.”

“So stalker Ex-Husband with a proven violent streak is threatening to take Taylor Schilling to court to gain full-time custody of the child…  And he says that no judge in the world would allow her to keep the kid after dating a drifter with no criminal history and a laudable military background.”  *Checks Nicholas Sparks’ educational background*  “Holy shit, a valedictorian from Notre Dame thought this made sense?”

No joke here… just… no…

Verdict

If you liked this movie, CONGRATULATIONS, you’re wrong!

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Zac Efron gives his stoic half-smile™

Take a Drink: for every plot hurdle that is overcome in the name of passionate make-out sessions, Take an Extra Drink when overcoming the hurdle results in “water-related makeouts” ©Nicolas Sparks

Predictable-Plot-Twist Challenge:  As you’re watching the movie, try to predict either the next line, the next choice made by x character, or the next plot twist; if you’re right, take a drink, if you’re wrong, down a shot of hard booze.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink:  every time you see Steve Harvey’s giant teeth.

Take a Drink:  every time the book appears on-screen.

Take a Drink: at every reference to “the cookie.”

Take a Drink: at every slow-motion shot of Lauren gazing lustfully at a man in an expensive car.

Take a Drink: at every montage in which every character is experiencing the same emotions.

Take a Drink: every time Cedric says something outrageous at the top of his lungs.

Take a Drink: every time a character drinks red wine.

Take a Shot:  Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown.

Read the full Think Like a Man (2012) Review

By: BabyRuth (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Think Like a Man is the latest ensemble romantic comedy based on a self-help book.  You may recall He’s Just Not That Into You (the movie itself, not any actual scenes from it since it was pretty forgettable).  There’s also the upcoming What To Expect When You’re Expecting in which we’ll be treated to Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez experiencing hi-larious bouts of morning sickness (while no doubt looking perfect).   This trend says something about Hollywood and that something is: We are all out of ideas.  For real.

Coming to theaters soon!  Starring Katherine Heigl, Jennifer Aniston, Ashton Kutcher, Patrick Dempsey, Jamie Fox, Kate Hudson, Queen Latifah, Sarah Jessica Parker, Zac Efron, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck,  and Al Pacino as “Uncle Lou.”

This time around the source material is comedian/actor/host Steve Harvey’s bestselling Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think about Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment.  Why Steve Harvey, who has been married three times and divorced twice (the most recent divorce was a pretty nasty one-you can hear his ex talk all about it on YouTube) would write a self-help book about relationships is anyone’s guess.  I’ll go with the same explanation Steve gives as to why men cheat: because he can.

Before going to see the movie, I read a few excerpts of the book.  In a nutshell, it goes like this: Men are simple, men want power and success, women want marriage and babies, men can separate sex from love, women cannot, women are demanding and want men to be perfect, women can’t change men, women must be the ones that change, men don’t respect women that don’t respect themselves, and women must withhold the “cookie” until a man earns it.   (Take one guess as to what the cookie is.)

So basically it’s all the same oversimplified stereotypical garbage that we’ve been hearing forever.  As a woman, I felt insulted.  I also felt insulted for men.  If this book was on Showtime at the Apollo, I’d be booing as loud as I could for that tapdancing guy to come escort it off the stage.

The book also reduces men and women down to specific types: The Player, The Mama’s Boy, The Happily Divorced Guy, The Happily Married Guy, The Dreamer, The Woman Who Is Her Own Man, The 90-Day Rule Girl, The Ring Girl, and the Single Mom.  Each of these types is brought to life in the film adaptation and perfectly matched up with their direct opposite.  The women get a hold of Harvey’s book and begin to try to change their partners.  Soon the men get wise to what the women are doing and use the book to turn the tables on the women (they call it “defending themselves.”) .  Hijincks ensue.  It’s a battle of the sexes and Steve Harvey is the all-knowing giant toothed Yoda.

A Toast

Suffice it to say, I went in to Think Like Man prepared to hate it.  Surprisingly, I didn’t.

I know, I’m just as shocked!

Credit must go to writers Keith Merryman and David A. Newman  (Friends With Benefits) who were faced with the task of writing a film with eight main characters, each of which is a cliché.  Though some were fleshed out more than others, somehow they all managed to come off as real people with neither sex portrayed as the villain.  The story moves along at a nice pace despite being two hours long and there are some genuine laughs along the way (I especially liked the swipes at Tyler Perry movies).

Though the book is heavily referenced (complete with shots of a smug Steve Harvey and his teeth dispensing his groundbreaking advice every time there is a television anywhere in a shot), it’s debated amongst the characters and some even point out how sexist the advice is.  Ultimately the success of the relationships is not due to the advice of the book itself, but to the couples compromising and understanding each other, not as men and women, but as human beings.  It was smart approach to the material and well-directed by Tim Story.

The talented, likable, and ridiculously attractive cast (except for Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown) should also be toasted.  It was great to see a group of actors mostly only known for past supporting roles given the chance to shine.  Each couple’s chemistry was believable, as were the same-sex friendships (the scenes featuring the group of men were some of the funniest).

I found myself most invested in the storyline of high-powered CEO Lauren (Taraji P. Henson) a.k.a. “The Woman Who is Her Own Man” and minimum wage restaurant worker Dominic (Michael Ealy), “The Dreamer,” even muttering “bitch” under my breath at Lauren at one point.  I also loved the dynamic of the relationship between Jeremy (Jerry Ferrara) and Kristen (Gabrielle Union), the long-term couple stuck in that phase between  living together in a “dorm room” and marriage.  Their relationship seemed very honest and it was refreshing that the fact that they happened to be an interracial couple was never mentioned as one of their differences.

And it’s actually funny.  Not gross-out cheap slapstick funny, but smart, nuanced funny balanced nicely with actual heart.  Again, the writers and great cast (except for Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown) are to thank for that.  There are some over-the-top moments courtesy of “Happily Divorced Guy” Cedric (Kevin Hart, graduate of the Chris Tucker School of Loud Hysterical Comedic Acting), which the audience at the screening I attended went absolutely crazy over.  Like, with applause and everything.  For me, it was a bit too much, but it’s all a matter of taste.  Not really my type of comedy personally, but many other people sure found it funny.

Beer Two

Seriously, look at those teeth!

Every time I really started getting involved in the story, the film would bizarrely cut to a close-up of Steve Harvey (and his choppers) reciting his wisdom and peddling his book.  It felt like I was watching a movie on basic cable with commercial breaks.  I found it jarring and unnecessary.  It’s not like the audience needed the reminder that the film is based on the book, since every five minutes a character would pick up a copy and tell another character how wonderful it is.  I’m just surprised there wasn’t a flashing graphic on the bottom of the screen that said “AVAILABLE NOW IN BOOKSTORES EVERYWHERE! AND ALSO AMAZON IF YOUR LOCAL BOOKSTORE IS CLOSED!”  I’m sure this was the result of some contractual obligation in optioning the book and it’s too bad Harvey couldn’t reel in his ego just a little bit because it nearly ruins the movie.

There is only one instance in which it works, a fictional Oprah-type talk show featuring Harvey as the guest.  That’s perfectly believable.  Not so believable?  That every television station would be airing Steve talking about his book.  At all times.  Wherever the characters happened to be.

We’re further pummeled with how popular this book supposedly is by a scene of mass hysteria in a bookstore. Women literally fighting over it.  And when the men figure out that it is the ammunition their girlfriends are using on them and try to acquire a copy, they learn that it is sold out.  Everywhere.

So this book is like the second coming of the Bible and it’s the only thing everyone is talking about yet when the women discover their men have heard of it, they get angry and feel betrayed.  How dare they! It’s supposed to be a secret book for women only!

Hey! You’re not allowed to read that!

Beer Three

Did you not think I wasn’t going to give Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown his very own beer?  Thankfully his cameo is very small: less than five minutes of total screentime.  And he plays a douchebag, sooo not much of a stretch.  Still, the disposable role could have been filled by any actor in his age bracket.

I could understand the reasoning behind choosing Brown.  He has a diehard fanbase of devoted fans who will gladly plunk down ten bucks at their local theater to see five minutes of him. I witnessed it firsthand.  The giggling and oohing that filled the theater when Brown first appears was enough to make me reach into my purse for a nip of vodka I had left over from a recent flight.  I’m hoping that these fans paid attention to the one piece of Steve Harvey’s advice I actually agree with: Respect Yourself.

I don’t want to go into a big thing about why Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown doesn’t deserve a second chance.  I’ll just refer you to this  and this.   Oh and this too.

Verdict

Think Like a Man is nowhere near perfect but it’s better than most recent ensemble comedies (Valentine’s Day, New Years Eve, He’s Just Not That Into You).  I almost assigned it a fourth beer because it follows the conventional rom-com formula, but I didn’t because, well, it is a rom-com.  Even though the stories are predictable, the characters are engaging and funny, and there is a warmth that similar films of this type lack which makes it worth watching.  I suggest waiting for the DVD and fast-forwarding through Steve Harvey’s informercial-type segments.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink:  every time you see Steve Harvey’s giant teeth.

Take a Drink:  every time the book appears on-screen.

Take a Drink: at every reference to “the cookie.”

Take a Drink: at every slow-motion shot of Lauren gazing lustfully at a man in an expensive car.

Take a Drink: at every montage in which every character is experiencing the same emotions.

Take a Drink: every time Cedric says something outrageous at the top of his lungs.

Take a Drink: every time a character drinks red wine.

Take a Shot:  Woman Beater Punkass Chris Brown.

Last Call:  More Kevin Hart zaniness.

Another light week, with another review to be named later involved.  Both look like solid rentals, though, so that’s something…

Contraband -

Contraband (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Billy Arceneaux didn’t have high expectations for this, and it exceeded those.  Read for yourself whether that constitutes a compliment or not:

Read the review

Pariah -

Pariah (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Just like last week’s Shame, you’ll have to hold on until Saturday for the review, but this Sundance gem comes with high critical acclaim and high expectations on my part.

Read the review

Pariah (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: wherever someone preoccupies about sex

Take a Drink: whenever a parent rejects or denies their child

Do a Shot: whenever someone uses a lesbian slur

Read the Full Pariah (2011) Review

By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

One of the enduring pleasures of watching movies is being transported to a world that is completely foreign to your own.  Nothing quite creates empathy like seeing the world through somebody else’s eyes and the best films allow you to do this like no other medium.

Even if you’d prefer if they didn’t

As a fairly standard WASP-y bastard, there aren’t very many viewpoints more different from mine than a high school-aged African American lesbian.  Pariah tells the story of Alike, or Li, as she faces the normal teenage quandaries of love, sex, and self-identity as they’re complicated by the double identities she juggles- shy but masculine lesbian at school and with her friends and feminine “normal” girl at home with her very traditional family.

A Toast

Writer/Director Dee Rees does a splendid job of bridging the profound distance of experience that statistically much of her audience will have with the characters in her film.  The subject is obviously near and dear to her, and purportedly semi-autobiographical, but there are plenty of filmmakers that fall somewhat short of translating their emotions and experiences into something anybody can understand and appreciate.  Such as The Room, which is either about a bad breakup or a simile for the Serbo-Croatian conflict.

Mark is… Slobodan Milosevic? So would that make Denny the lost innocence of the Serbian people?

Rees and cinematographer Bradford Young do a great job of translating the turmoil, pain, and tentative hope of the story onto the screen, with a shifting color palette and a constantly moving camera that often stays tight and close on the characters as they grapple with the emotions they are feeling.  They can confidently do this because not a single one of the performances from a cast of mostly unfamiliar faces falls short.  I particularly enjoyed Charles Parnell’s multifaceted portrayal of Alike’s father and the refreshing, sharp-talking comic relief Sahra Mellesse brings to her little sister role.

The real story here, though, is Adepero Oduye.  She owns her character as completely as any actress last year, and it’s impossible not to immediately identify with the tentative, hopeful seventeen year old she creates.  She taps into the universal experience of her character- everyone at some point’s worried about disappointing role models, had affection that’s not been returned, and been perplexed by the complexities of love and sex.  So, when misfortune inevitably knocks at her door, it’s nearly as devastating to us as it is to her.  Oh, and did I mention that Oduye is actually 33 years old?

Meryl Streep announced her next role will be Anne Frank in an attempt to keep up.

Beer Two

Now, I’m not as versed in my dildo etiquette as perhaps I should be, but the strap-on scene completely eluded me.  What was Alike hoping to accomplish by wearing it in the lesbian nightclub, especially as she refused to stand up with it on?  How uncomfortable was that busride on the way over?

Beer Three

If you ever watched a movie before, you knew this wasn’t all going to be rainbows and unicorns all the way through.  Still, for much of Pariah there’s surprisingly little conflict.  So, when the abrupt flip-flop that sets off the climax finally happens its jarring effect is the only part of the story that comes off as more manufactured than natural.

Verdict

Dee Rees.  Adepero Oduye.  Bradford Young.  You’ll be hearing these names again, and if you want to know why you need to hunt down a copy of this ASAP.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: wherever someone preoccupies about sex

Take a Drink: whenever a parent rejects or denies their child

Do a Shot: whenever someone uses a lesbian slur

It’s going to be interesting to see how Disney/Marvel handles the four (and possibly more, if Jeremy Renner and Scarlett Johanssen get their spinoffs) superhero franchises it’s juggling after this summer’s Avengers.  They seem committed to making sequels to all of the individual films on top of a spate of team-up movies, so that timeline’s going to get pretty damn convoluted.  Captain America 2 already has a release date, Thor 2 has started to put together its team, and now Iron Man 3 is starting to accelerate.  The latest news is that Ben Kingsley will be handling a villain role, as the man behind a viral outbreak of nanobots, but not playing the Mandarin, which all things considered is probably a good thing.

Wonder how this’d play in the international markets…

Paul Haggis (Crash) has been out of the limelight a bit as of late, not making a film since The Next Three Days a couple of years ago, which wasn’t very successful even if it was a pretty decent flick.  He’ll get back in the saddle now with Third Person, which will star a couple of his supporting players from that flick, Liam Neeson and Olivia Wilde.  Apparently the flick will go back to the well Haggis usually dips in, as it’ll combine and intersect three love stories in New York, Paris, and Rome “in a very odd way” according to him.

First guess: it involves Sandra Bullock sharing some unsavory opinions about those “Eye-talians”

A spate of baseball movies have been put in development recently, which is all kinds of fine with me.  I’ve previously reported on the Jackie Robinson biopic 42, and now fellow African American baseball icon Hank Aaron is getting his story told by Barry Levinson, who directed a nice little hardball movie you might recall- The Natural.  The film will apparently focus primarily on Aaron’s ’74-’75 pursuit of Babe Ruth’s home run record.  I’m already pretty pumped for this, but we’ve still got quite awhile to wait.

I guess I’ll just have to watch this 755 times to tide me over…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Disney (or your mind) go into the gutter.  (Freddy’s nuts)

Take a Drink: for those glow in the dark mushrooms that probably looked exactly how they’d make you feel

Do a Shot: for apparently how picky of eaters Chimps are!  “The forests ofAfrica house very few meals for Chimps”.  So says the movie.

Read the full Chimpanzee (2012) Review

By: LivingDeadGuy (Three Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

From Cabin In The Woods one week to Chimpanzee the next….oh this is going to be fun.  Also, I just watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes…there may be some cross over commentary from Caesar.

So what’s this movie about?  Well, if you ask Caesar he’d probably say something like “primates being unknowingly filmed for human amusement; fighting amongst themselves like lower class citizens.”  What is a movie- even a documentary with animals- without a main character and some conflict?!  The main chimp is Oscar (Caesar: “Which is what Andy Serkis got screwed out of in his portrayal of….me!”) and from beginning to end we go through the first three years of his life, but mainly the first sixish months.  Like any creature in existence, Oscar’s life has its ups and downs and we get to experience some.

You think it’s easy BEING a primate?  Try PLAYING one!

I don’t even know how to beer-grade this movie.  Can’t compare it to anything (legitimately) and it’s not exactly a movie I was pining to see.  Here we go….

A Toast

To the narration!  Ha, loophole!  They got Tim Allen to voice over (no, he doesn’t speak for Oscar, he narrates Oscar…and every other chimp…like Morgan Freeman did to the Penguins.  Remember that?  No?  Oh, you didn’t see it either?)  Tim added a needed comedic spark to this.  A very dim, weak spark, but one no less.  We got a few spots where he makes fun of their eating habits to the amusement of the 5 and 85 year olds alike watching this.  AND!  And, and, and, a homage to Tim Taylor.  I think he negotiates that into every contract he signs…or maybe he’s forced to.  (“You will grunt and you will LIKE it!”)

Two Beers

No way I was going to put this in the realm of Die Hard and Cabin In The Woods!  How about I tackle Disney for originality in a spoiler filled paragraph that says the villain (Caesar: HEY!  You mean “Chimpanzee brethren” you hairless dope!  You have the gift of speech and you waste it on trivial nonsense!) is named “Scar” and the parent dies.  Yeah, Disney parks may be the happiest places on Earth but their movies have more depression and angst than Kristen Stewart attempts to portray in her movies.

Her reaction to both Bambi’s Mom AND Mufasa.

Three Beers

I was surprised that a G rated documentary was 90 minutes.  I’d figure half of…no wait, the entire audience would either be asleep or not know where they are after that long.  Did that even qualify as a beer?  Complaining about a Disney animal documentary being 90 minutes?

Verdict

My excitement level was clearly through the roof to see the movie.  In all fairness it, like plenty of other movies (like my precious horror movies) has its niche.  If you like primates or animal documentaries, this is for you and you’ll come back to chastise me for a multi-beer review.  The movie just was not for me, but I’m trying to be nice about it since it was assigned and not a movie on Netflix I could drink beer to.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Disney (or your mind) go into the gutter.  (Freddy’s nuts)

Take a Drink: for those glow in the dark mushrooms that probably looked exactly how they’d make you feel

Do a Shot: for apparently how picky of eaters Chimps are!  “The forests of Africa house very few meals for Chimps”.  So says the movie.

Shame (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time somebody gets laid

Take a Drink: every time Fassbender does something sketchy

Take a Drink: whenever he takes the dachshund out for a stroll (fyi- there’s no dog in this movie)

Do a Shot: for every increasingly uncomfortable interaction with his sister

Take a Drink: every time you think up a new penis-related pun for his name.  Example: Michael Fassboner (Props: Frank Cerros)

Now, Take another Drink: while imagining William Shatner screaming the penis pun you just made up.

Fassboner!!!!!

Read the full Shame (2011) review

Shame (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

There’s more dick in Shame than a 1940’s dime novel.  More sausage than a Munich wienerwerks.  More cock than a Mexican gambler’s back yard.  What I’m trying to say here is, it’ s a George Clooney-intimidating amount of genitalia.

Fassbender, giggling while Clooney struggles to find words to describe his manhood

I think we can all agree that that was entirely necessary… now on to the review.  Shame reteams actor extraordinaire Michael Fassbender with his Hunger director Steve McQueen in an examination of a man grappling with a debilitating sex addiction.  When his just as, but differently, fucked up sister (Carey Mulligan) sweeps back into his life and takes up residence in his apartment, he tries to face up to their dark past and his uncertain present.

A Toast

You don’t have to get very far into this movie before you see that you’re watching two singular talents in their prime.  McQueen got his start in the modern art world, both with experimental shorts and static pieces.  The meticulous attention to detail and spatial awareness it takes to succeed in that environment is evident in every frame of his films, and the camerawork in Shame is as beautiful as always.  He’s mastered much more than this, though, and is beginning to get a reputation for fostering great performances.  One way he does this is by employing extremely long takes, teasing out extra and more authentic emotion from his actors as they’re forced to inhabit their characters longer than usual.  This must be very demanding on them, but you can’t argue with the results.

One such scene, in which the camera rarely strays from Mulligan as she sings an almost five minute rendition of “New York, New York”, is heartbreaking as she displays vulnerability, hurt, and bravery throughout and tells us more about her character than ten pages of dialogue could.

Although it’s not as good as this person’s brave portrayal of mental illness

Fassbender is even more impressive.  His character is not just obsessed with, but derives his entire sense of meaning from sex.  He’s as depraved, helpless, and tragically, relentlessly driven as any addict I’ve ever seen on film, regardless of substance of abuse.  His eyes communicate this even more than his actions, and the way they alternate between a predatory suaveness and a dead void is chilling.  However, that Fassbender is able to make us then empathize with a character so foreign to most of our mindsets is what makes this the best performance of 2011.

Beer Two

There was no Bully-style, Harvey Weinstein controversy over the NC-17 rating for this one.  It heartily earns it, and your appreciation of this film is going to hinge quite a bit on how much male full-frontal you can tolerate.  That’s more of a conditional beer, though, and I felt that, as much as there was of it, the nudity was thematically sensible and necessary.

This film still felt a bit short of perfection for me, though, so I’ll also assign this beer to the one thing that still lags a bit behind the rest of McQueen’s toolset- his storytelling.  The force of Shame comes from its characterization, but the story itself is fairly simplistic, and especially when Fassbender sinks to his knees and yells at the heavens, a bit familiar.  I can’t wait until these two get a story on par with the rest of their enormous talents to sink their teeth into.

Verdict

The second team-up of two of the most exciting talents in the business, Michael Fassbender and Steve McQueen, showcases their ever-sharpening abilities.  This is an engrossing psychological tale with two heartbreaking performances, although McQueen doesn’t deliver a bona-fide masterpiece… yet.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time somebody gets laid

Take a Drink: every time Fassbender does something sketchy

Take a Drink: whenever he takes the dachshund out for a stroll (fyi- there’s no dog in this movie)

Do a Shot: for every increasingly uncomfortable interaction with his sister

Take a Drink: every time you think up a new penis-related pun for his name.  Example: Michael Fassboner (Props: Frank Cerros)

Now, Take another Drink: while imagining William Shatner screaming the penis pun you just made up.

Fassboner!!!!!

By: Henry J. Fromage -

The official lineup for Cannes has just been announced and the 2012 Oscar season is officially upon us.  “Too early!” you say?  How about these numbers: three of the nine Best Picture nominees, including the winner, The Artist, debuted at the snazzy French film festival last year, and judging by the lineup this time around, we may match or exceed it this year.  Here are some films I feel have a chance (some better than others) of sticking around until February:

Moonrise Kingdom - Wes Anderson’s latest will open the festival, but play out of competition.  This quirky, 60s-set coming of age tale packed with familiar faces like Bill Murray, Ed Norton, Frances McDormand, Bruce Willis, and many more is high on my list of anticipated films this year, but has no chance with the Academy outside of the Screenwriting and long-shot Supporting Acting categories.

Rust and Bone- this French language film isn’t likely to factor into the Best Picture race, but coming from the director of A Prophet, Jacques Audiard, and starring Marion Cotillard and “next big thing” Matthias Schoenaerts, don’t be surprised if it ends up in the Foreign Language Film field, and maybe even a few more categories besides.

Love – Director Michael Haneke’s last, The White Ribbon, won the Palme D’Or and grabbed a few Oscar nominations.  His latest looks even more up the Academy’s alley, as it centers on an elderly married couple thrown into crisis when one suffers a debilitating stroke.  The film stars some acting legends on the international scene, Jean-Louis Trintignant, Emmanuelle Riva, and Isabelle Huppert, and could propel one or more of them to an acting nomination.  As always, a subtitled film has an uphill battle for a Best Picture nom, but this one could be in play in quite a few categories if everything breaks right.

On the Road - The writer and director of The Motorcycle Diaries tackle Jack Kerouac’s elusive (for filmmakers) masterpiece.  The source material and approach are not your typical fare, but the book is respected enough and the filmmakers are audacious enough to propel this one into the Oscar race if they pull it off.

Mud – Jeff Nichols crafted one of my favorite films of last year, Take Shelter.  This time out, he swaps out Sundance for Cannes and Michael Shannon for Matthew McConaughey (althoughShannon still shows up in a supporting role, of course) in this Southern-set fairytale about an escaped con seeking to reunite with his lady-love (Reese Witherspoon).  Will this raise his exposure enough to get him out of the fringes of the Oscar race and directly into the heat of it?

Cosmopolis - From another respected auteur who the Academy rarely has a taste for, from the trailer it appears that this one sees David Cronenberg returning to the more visceral, surreal style he made his name with.  I doubt it will gain any traction with the Academy, but it could achieve an even more impossible task- convince the world that Robert Pattinson can act.

Lawless- Nick Cave and John Hillcoat (The Proposition) team up once more in a tale of bootleggers set in Depression-era West Virginia.  The cast includes Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, Guy Pierce, Jessica Chastain, Mia Wasikowska… and Shia LaBeouf?  One of my most anticipated titles of the year, and its Cannes inclusion suggests it could go a long way.

The Paperboy - Lee Daniels follows up on Precious with a pulpy 60s-set Death Row case/love triangle story with an intriguing cast that includes Nicole Kidman, Matthew McConaughey, John Cusack as a possible murderer… and Zac Efron?  Could the story of 2012 be Pattinson, Efron, and LaBeouf, Oscar contenders?*

Killing Them Softly – Brad Pitt reunites with Andrew Dominik, his director for the sublime The Assassination of Jesse James, playing a mob enforcer on a mission.  Sounds like it could be great, although a lot will depend on tone, as the source novel apparently has a darkly comic bent that may or may not play with voters.

*No, no it couldn’t.

Mystic Pizza (1988) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you think, “What in the hell is Julia doing with her hair?”

Take a Drink: every time you think that Kat needs to get a spine, but JoJo totally rocks.

Take a Shot: every time you hear a saxophone.

Take a Drink: whenever it crosses your mind that not all Eighties fashion is good fashion.

Read the full Mystic Pizza (1988) review

Mystic Pizza (1988) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Jenna Zine & Larry Crane (Four Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Welcome to a He Said/She Said review of films! We’re just a newly married couple trying to navigate sharing the Netflix queue while balancing our diverging tastes in movie genres. Sometimes we agree – and sometimes one of us loses our place in line!

Mystic Pizza focuses on the  “coming of age” story between two sisters, Daisy (a pre-Pretty Woman Julia Roberts) and Kat (Annabeth Gish), and their shared best friend, JoJo (standout Lili Taylor). The quips fly fast and furious over shifts at, you guessed it, Mystic Pizza, where the girls serve pies (go ahead and go there, you dirty bird) and share tips – both in money and love.

A Toast

The film opens with JoJo’s wedding, in progress, to long-time fiancé Bill (Vincent D’Onofrio). The priest makes the commitment of marriage sound quite dire (take it from us: it is) and JoJo faints from the stress. The wedding is temporarily called off and guests reconvene at the town’s living room – aka the Mystic Pizza restaurant.

He Said: Wow – the Eighties! What awful Photoshop in the credits. Someone should get fired for that.

She Said: Don’t be too hard on them, honey. They didn’t have the technology…

He Said: If it starts with a wedding, does it end with a funeral?

Lighten up, kittens!

Mystic Pizza, post ceremony:

She Said: So, Daisy/Julia is taking out a pitcher of beer, half full?

He Said: I guess she gives good head. Wah, wah.

She Said: Julia Roberts plays the saucy slut. Typecasting!

He Said: Her hair is crazy. I like her VPL (visible panty line) though!

She Said: Man, back when she had a ba-donka-donk. Our, as the kids like to say, an “ass.” I do love revisiting that big hair. It looks so crunchy.

He Said: Just like pizza crust! I’m beginning to see the connection.

Beer Two

This portion of the flick shows hard-working good girl Kat taking on a babysitting job with Tim Travers (William R. Moses) for extra money in order to attend Yale in the fall. Summer inhabitants of Mystic, Connecticut must pay handsomely for childcare! Meanwhile Daisy meets a visiting rich kid, Charles Gordon Windsor Jr. (Adam Storke), at the hilariously named Peg Leg Pub. She schools him in a game of pool and he’s immediately smitten…

Pool Game with Hot Shot Daisy/Julia:

He Said: And… cue the bad soundtrack.

She Said: And cue the cheesy male lead. I call it the James Spader hangover. He hasn’t aged well (see the current season of The Office), but back in the day he was dirty, hot stuff. He was the ultimate Eighties archetype for sleaze.

He Said: Hey, pizza girl – give me a slice! This is a good movie to watch for fashion don’ts. Bad music, bad hair, bad movie. Excuse me, do you like Kenny G? Cuz you look like him! However, I wouldn’t mind seeing more shots of Julia Roberts’ rear. She had more going on then.

She Said: Yeah, she’s gonna play with the balls in your pocket later, pal. She’s so intense and meaningful.

He Said: Fuck, this is just tedious. Nothing’s happened yet.

She Said Nothing and everything. Just wait until Charles Gordon Windsor Jr. shows up. You know she’s gonna go Pretty Woman on his ass.

You can laugh at her big hair and giant cable knit sweater – but she’s still worth more than we’ll make in a lifetime, combined.

Adventures in awkward babysitting encounters:

He Said: Why is Kat acting so weird? Does she have a crush on the dad?

She Said: She’s acting weird because she needs her hair straight-ironed and her eyebrows waxed. That’s enough to make any woman feel awkward.

He Said: It’s time for a motherfuckin’ montage. This movie seriously has the worst soundtrack I’ve heard in years.

She Said: Umm, don’t you mean decades?

Beer Three

JoJo continues to vacillate about her decision to marry Bill. One thing she’s not on the fence about? Pre-marital sex! These two go at it every chance they get – including the bathroom at Mystic Pizza. Needless to say, JoJo is our favorite character. Kat continues her ill advised plan to seduce the father of her babysitting charge and Daisy continues her wild-child romp with the rich dude.

Daisy has a big date night with “Junior”:

She Said: That hair is killing me. It’s forcing me to relive my high school perm. And my penchant for purple eye shadow…

He Said: I love Julia’s banana clip Mohawk. What a sexy beast.

I sure to miss the days of bright prints, pink throw pillows and men in turtlenecks.

We pause to grab supplies:

She Said: Oh, god – there’s still an hour left!

He Said: What’s going to happen? More nothing? It’s not very funny and it’s not very romantic. This is some painful shit. This movie should be called Just A Bunch of Giggly Girls.

She Said: It should be called Julia Roberts Is Going To Be Richer Than All You Bitches!

He Said: And… here come more saxophones.

She Said Of course there’s more saxophone. How else would we know how to feel if there wasn’t bad music to cue us? JoJo and Bill are the most compelling couple in the film. I care more about them than anyone. I could watch a whole movie about them.

He Said: Yeah, Lili Taylor is a league better than Julia.

The Babysitter Boff… err, Bop. (I.e. Kat decides to lose her virginity to Tim):

She Said: The oldest story in the book…

He Said: Bonking the babysitter. This is more of a drama than a romantic comedy. (Bonking and boffing are how Daisy refers to sex. Those phrases are not coming from us. Just FYI.)

She Said: If you can call it either…

He Said: They should call it Mistake Pizza. I’m about ready to put this movie in a box and shove the leftovers in the fridge.

She Said: Nice one, honey. We clearly have not had enough beer.

Something tells me Kat’s affair does not end well.

Beer Four

JoJo resolves her emotional conflict and marries Bill. Kat’s affair is discovered. She’s brokenhearted, but more determined than ever to leave for Yale. After a brief breakup, Daisy and Junior reunite. The movie concludes with the wedding reception, part two, at Mystic Pizza. For dessert? Happy endings for everyone!

She Said: Holy shit! Is that…?

He Said: Matt Damon (said in the Team America voice)!

She Said: Oh, my god! Best cameo, ever. Wait, how old is he there? And how old is Julia? They’ve starred in movies together.

He Said: I think the other starring role went to Miller High Life. There’s a bottle in every scene.

She Said: Early signs of movie marketing. Trendsetters.

JoJo and Bill finally tie the knot:

He Said: Did they get married at the Peg Leg?

She Said: I hope so! Why didn’t we think of that? Redo!

He Said: Okay, it’s not the Peg Leg. Of course it’s the restaurant. We can still have that redo though.

She Said: Yes, I’ve always felt our wedding was missing that crucial dive bar element.

He Said: God, I’m just waiting for this movie to end. I really did not need to see this. What is up with the random Netflix summary, “Reality intrudes.” What reality? What plans?

She Said: Apparently to wander aimlessly. It starts with girls giggling; it ends with girls giggling. At least it’s consistent!

It’s my wedding, bitches – I get the bottle.

Verdict

A slow-moving rom-com wrapped with a “life lessons” bow. Still a “must” for fans of the genre, due to the “before they were stars” fun.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you think, “What in the hell is Julia doing with her hair?”

Take a Drink: every time you think that Kat needs to get a spine, but JoJo totally rocks.

Take a Shot: every time you hear a saxophone.

Take a Drink: whenever it crosses your mind that not all Eighties fashion is good fashion.

Last week blonde bombshell January Jones finally got her big breakthrough role playing her uncanny doppelganger Grace Kelly… ha, ha, no she didn’t, because January Jones is a shitty actress.  Instead the less age and looks appropriate Nicole Kidman captured the role, which shouldn’t be a surprise because Oscars.  Director Olivier Dahan, most famous for getting Marion Cotillard her Oscar in La Vie en Rose, will adapt the acclaimed script, which tells the story of the former Hollywood starlet and Princess of Monaco at a time when she showed an unknown talent for diplomacy and helped head off a conflict between Monaco and the much larger France as well as an attempted coup on her husband.

A role that unfortunately didn’t call for 90 minutes of dead-eye staring.

Speaking of Oscars, Tom Hanks will be playing Walt Disney.  Yep, that’s what I thought, too… tailor made statue bait.  Saving Mr. Banks will pair him with Emma Thompson in the story of the long negotiations between himself and Mary Poppins author P.L. Travers over her book’s film rights.  John Lee Hancock (The Blind Side) will direct, which seems to indicate a pretty milquetoast project overall, but what interests me most about the project and gives me hope for some layered drama is the fact that Travers ended up hating the film Disney ended up making.

You see, the book was much, much darker

Ben Affleck’s becoming more and more of an Oscar-type name now with his directing, and if he pulls off his ambitious 70s period piece Argo this year he might just get that elusive nomination.  His acting has suffered as a result, at least in regards to the roles and buzz it produces, but he now has a lead role to sink his teeth into with Nathan Decker.  He’ll play a politician who ends up in the middle of a controversy storm over an affair.  He decides to take a break from politics and return home, where of course he faces his past and learns some lessons.  Crazy, Stupid, Love writer Dan Fogleman did the script, which indicates there’ll be some comedy mixed in with the drama there.  Sounds pretty promising, especially if Fogleman can avoid the goddam precocious children this time around.

Die.

Quills (2000) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for Penis humor, or detailed vaginal description

Take a Drink: for every instance of, or reference to rape

Drink a Shot: as needed, until you stop feeling so dirty

Read the full Quills (2000) review

Quills (2000) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

Quills is like an Emily Bronte-style period piece; with lavish costumes, classically trained actors, and palatial sets.  With the added bonus of rape, murder, and random buggery.  The story takes place in post-revolution France, at an asylum for the insane, Maddy (Kate Winslet) works with her mother as a laundress, and she is desperate for something interesting in her life.  That something turns out to be the stories of the Marquis De Sade (Geoffrey Rush), an inmate whose sexual deviancy and affinity for satire is quenched through his writing.  But he has a passion which is even more dangerous, that of getting his work published.  Napoleon Bonaparte himself appoints Doctor Royer-Collard (Michael Caine) to oversee the Marquis’ “recovery”.  Standing in his way is the Abbé Du Coulmier (Joaquin Phoenix), who would far rather the Marquis express his deviancy through writing than violence.

He had a tendency to get a little rapey, is what I’m saying

A Toast

Drink deeply of your goblet of hate, because Quills is a savage attack on hypocrisy.  The filmmakers create a sense of group-psychosis in the asylum, which contains characters from all walks of life who have, for one reason or another been judged insane.  The movie is also an attack on censorship, making the argument that forcing an individual to not express his sexuality leads to violence and depravity.    Geoffrey Rush gives a career-best performance as the Marquis, who is both sensitive and artistic, and a psychotic sex-fiend.  When the Marquis is allowed to express himself through writing, he is fairly harmless, but take that away, and pretty soon he covers the walls with shit and howls at the moon.

Yeah actually, maybe I won’t show you that…

Joaquin Phoenix also delivers a solid turn as a repressed Priest whose own religious ideas that he follows so devoutly ultimately destroy him, driving him to a level of madness so real that I’m pretty sure they used a time machine and just shot Joaquin 10 years into the future.

When he apparently became Zach Galifianakis

Michael Caine is also fantastic to watch, he is in many ways just as deviant and sadistic as De Sade, but clothed under the guise of a respectable physician.  By the end of the film comes full circle and embraces his hypocrisy.  His therapy that he provides to the insane include tortures that seem more at home in a dungeon than a hospital.

Verdict

We eat, we shit, we fuck, we kill and we die.  And we watch movies.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for Penis humor, or detailed vaginal description

Take a Drink: for every instance of, or reference to rape

Drink a Shot: as needed, until you stop feeling so dirty

Chimpanzee -

I don’t have much to say about this except that it looks pretty gosh darn cute. That and it makes the “apes” in Rise of the Planet of the Apes look like furry pieces of crap. You guys couldn’t hire real monkeys like Disney did? I know Andy Serkis thinks Andy Serkis is the epitome of monkey emoting, but clearly this guy wins out:

The secret is he’s an actual god damn chimp.

Beer Prediction

A couple of cheers to chimps: the easiest animals to anthropomorphize and therefore make us cry! I bet the reason they abandoned Oscar was because he was different. Chimps can be so cruel! Let’s wear some rubber bracelets and ribbons about it.

The Lucky One -

Why is the main conflict in romances that, at first, the lady doesn’t like the dude, and for no good reason? This handsome young gent has come along and is kind to you. What a prick! You’d better deny his friendship. Because you’ve been hurt in the past. By a man. Some stupid man knocked you up and now here’s another one of them all smiling and trying to talk to you. Sure, he’s one of those guys who always retains the look of a teenager which gives him a certain air of creep…

But, at least he’s not your abusive jock ex! Those guys are so easy to make babies with!

HOLD UP! *Record Scratch*

Ew, and he’s a police officer? Lady, what the hell?

A picture of you! Holy shit. There’s no possible way that could be explained with one or two sentences!  What in the romantic-drama-clichés is gonna happen next?!

Beer Prediction

To find out, just watch the trailer. The entire plot is there.

Thanks a lot, Nicholas Sparks. You’re walking on thin ice. You get a pass because of wet Ryan Gosling… but you’d better watch your panty melting back.

Can someone photoshop out that blue object, please? It’s in my way.

Think Like a Man -

Okay, here’s a game. I’ve never heard of this movie, so I’m going to guess it’s 1.) a romantic comedy; 2.) about a woman who either magically gains the power to read men’s thoughts à la reverse-Mel Gibson in What Women Want or who finds success in her work/personal life by purposefully thinking like one of those prick men I keep hearing about; and 3.) is going to make me angry.

TRAILER: GO!

Actually, I have heard of that book by Steve Harvey. And it looks like I am possibly 3 for 3? But, I’m confused (probably because I’m not thinking enough like a man.) Who should act like a lady and think like a man? Women? Men? Both? What happens if I think like a lady and act like a man? I guess I could do all of that shoppin’ I always want to do and spend my own money from my high-powered business job that I always do things at.

Chris Brown is in this? Aw hell no! Is he going to be acting like a lady and thinking like a man? Because someone’s about to get bitch-slapped if that’s the case.

Beer Prediction

Why not a six-pack? Because Steve Harvey can be funny sometimes. But, people really need to stop basing books/movies/advice and other bullshittery on assumed gendered behaviour and how different men and women must be. It only continues to divide the sexes and make people fixate on clichés they see and ignore the countless similarities. I’ll be patiently waiting over here for Think Like An Individual Person, Shithead.

I Ran Against Us (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Brad says ‘bra’.

Take a Drink: if you wish Focal would just taser the crap out of Burnsy.

Do a Shot: because at least Bush is no longer President*

*meant to ignite a war of words in the comments section.

Read the full I Ran Against Us (2009) Review

I Ran Against Us (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Almost four years into the Presidency of Barack Obama, it’s kinda hard for me to remember what things were like under George W. Bush. Sure, I remember the wars, the fear, the abuse, the scandals and the ‘isms’. And yes, many of his policies have moved on to our current administration (to my disappointment). But, and I’m not sure exactly why, I feel as though it all happened decades ago; in some distant past I can barely remember.

Who?

I Ran Against Us, an independent film straight from NewOrleans (shout out), succeeds in jogging my memory.

In this story,AmericaandIranare inching close to war. When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threatens our country with a nuke, Bush is forced to give in to one absurd demand; that Jon and Sandy get back together. With the guidance of a Patriot Act-loving federal agent, the two former lovers must find their spark, before the evil doers find theirs.

A Toast

It took one moment early on for me to remember the Bush era, and with a strange level of fondness; when Jon is given a makeshift water boarding with a Styrofoam cup’s worth of water and a damp cloth, both applied in rapid order. The federal agents in this movie, lead by Focal (Ladson Deyne), provide some of the best political satire I’ve seen in years; a spinoff might be in order.

Also worth noting is Leanne Cochran asSandy. She makes her character – who is put in quite a position – very relatable and down to earth, amidst a rather ridiculous backdrop. Very good.

Beer Two

On the back of the DVD I was given, it says in the first sentence that this movie has “a quirky Cold War-era vibe”. This works well considering the story and setting. However, the copy I viewed was in color. This might only be an issue for me as a previous version of the film was in black and white – a presentation that better fits the vibe they were going for. Again, this is probably not a beer worthy problem, but I just feel a little let down that they opted to colorize this.

I Heart B&W

Beer Three and a Swig

Despite the wonderful political satire, the movie relies HEAVILY on juvenile humor. For me, this kind of comedy had better be treated with kid gloves. Otherwise, it becomes painful to watch. As examples, Jon’s best friend constantly makes dick jokes (in just about EVERY scene he’s in),Sandy’s current boyfriend’s catchphrase is ‘bra’ and everybody says ‘fuck’ WAY too much. If these things were more subdued, I probably would’ve enjoyed the movie much more.

I prefer the soft kind (subtlety) to the hard stuff (obnoxious).

If you are bothered by the fact that only a handful of federal agents (and zero journalists) are dispatched to deal with a national threat, take a swig of your choice of hard liquor.

Verdict

While not perfect, I Ran Against Us features some very funny political satire, and a charming at times romance. Visit www.iranagainstus.com for DVD info.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Brad says ‘bra’.

Take a Drink: if you wish Focal would just taser the crap out of Burnsy.

Do a Shot: because at least Bush is no longer President*

*meant to ignite a war of words in the comments section.

Paris Is Burning (1990) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every category in the ball

Take a Drink: for every mention of Dynasty

Take a Drink: when you laugh at the campiness of the 80s.

Do a Shot: every time you feel the urge to vogue

Read the full Paris is Burning (1990) Review

Paris Is Burning (1990) DVD / Blu-ray

By: The Cinephiliac (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

For the past few days I’ve had a problem— I can’t seem to stop voguing. When a song comes on or I’m zoned out and walking around my house, I’ll come to and realize my arms are in the air in a symmetrical pattern or wrapped oddly around my face with my lips puckered as it has become almost impulse to simply strike a pose and vogue. I blame the Jennie Livingston documentary Paris is Burning for that. Focusing on drag culture and the drag balls of 1987 in New York, Paris is Burning stuck with me, hard.

After watching it I had almost the same feeling I had when I first watched Harmony Korine’s Gummo, which caused an uneasy feeling with a compelling desire to know every detail of the film’s production and to understand how something could make me feel so uncomfortable. However, the difference in this case was that I wanted to know every detail of the production of Paris is Burning in order to understand how Livingston made me care so much about the different people featured throughout the film, most of whom are only minor characters featured for a fraction of the time as the major characters. The revelation of some of the featured interviewees’ fate in the film’s epilogue left me shocked and near tears as if I actually knew them after this 78 minute film.

A Toast

Paris is Burning is perhaps one of the “realest” documentaries I’ve ever seen. With its focus on the GLBT subgroup, Paris is Burning documents major players and activities within the ball scene, a scene considered to be the Oscars of the GLBT community at the time. Livingston also creates a fascinating time capsule of late 1980s New York. Shot on 16mm film, many of scenes feature Livingston capturing the hustle and bustle on the streets of New York in 1987, when women showed their importance through shoulder pads in the dresses, when spandex was a must, and costume jewelry was a normal part of fashion. The influence of the world’s biggest show at the time, Dynasty, is not only discussed in the film but shown in its society’s fashion and attitude.

“We’re to be taken seriously dammit! Just look at these shoulders.”

The subjects of the documentary seem comfortable and familiar with Livingston’s presence, so much so that they don’t even seem to notice the camera most of the time. Even when they do acknowledge its presence, they seem to be nothing more than themselves. In scenes featuring prominent drag queen and legend of the balls scene, Dorian Corey, he sits talking comfortably to the Livingston about the politics of the ball culture and the changes he as an older member of the community has witnessed. While discussing highly intriguing critiques on society, he talks slowly and openly, at times not even addressing the camera or Livingston due to being preoccupied with meticulously putting on his makeup in the mirror. Scenes of Corey and other patrons being interviewed play out naturally as if these people were bearing their thoughts and souls to no one else but a good friend. They reveal heartbreaking stories, crack jokes with one another, and at the ball they participate wildly as if no one was around them but their peers.

This comfort may have been due to Livingston’s simplistic way of recording. The lighting in most scenes is natural and the camera seems to be small enough to be inconspicuous. Paris is Burning effortlessly cuts back and forth between interviews with various ball contestants and extensive footage of the antics at the ball. Viewers are exposed to the high energy competitions where guests come dressed in their absolute best, despite the fact that most can’t afford their garments, just to act out their fantasy of being able to strut down a catwalk. Others, however, use the ball as a means to settle the score with rivals on the floor through voguing. Interviews reveal the origins and usage of vouging as well as explain a slew of other terms and jargon used at the time by the GLBT community.

No form of dancing has been cooler, well, except maybe The Macarena.

Verdict

I not only got a semi history lesson of 1980s GLBT culture from Paris is Burning but I was also inspired and highly entertained by the seemingly magical world of the ball. The subjects of Paris is Burning believed in expressing and being oneself to the fullest no matter how superficial their desires may have been and still may be. The film shows a time where minorities were marginalized as social outcasts because of their sexual orientation, while the majority of the country was able to achieve all the glory and social acceptance that their skin and class could get them. Yet the minorities within the ball culture refused to stay hidden and used the balls to live out their fantasies and dreams, all while being accepted in their community through awards and their legendary statuses.  Even if the glory only lasted for a short while it was enough to make their whole lives worth the struggle.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every category in the ball

Take a Drink: for every mention of Dynasty

Take a Drink: when you laugh at the campiness of the 80s.

Do a Shot: every time you feel the urge to vogue

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for Curly’s trademark “soitenly!”, “Woo-woo-woo”, or “nyuck-nyuck-nyuck”

Take a Drink: for each prat-fall (good luck surviving this one)

Take a Drink: anytime they call Sister Mary-Mengele by name  (They’re really proud of that joke… rightly so).

Drink a Shot: for fart and piss jokes

Pour One Out: because we apparently missed out on our opportunity to have Moe, Larry and Curly played by Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, and Jim Carrey respectively.

Here’s to you; anonymous internet photoshop guy…

Read the full The Three Stooges (2012) Review

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Five Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

Sometimes a movie comes along that elicits mixed reactions from critics and audiences alike.  Such is the case for The Three Stooges, a film that is both better and worse than you’d expect.  The eponymous three set off on a mission to save the Orphanage they were raised in from being shut down.  Along the way, they encounter a couple plotting murder and the cast of a popular internationally syndicated freak-show.

*Wharrrgarble*

A Toast

I consider myself a Stooges fan, having grown up at a time when the AMC channel actually showed American Movie Classics (imagine that).  Needless to say, I have seen just about every one of their Colombia studios short films.  To be honest, the Farrelly Brothers have managed a very difficult task, that is of painstakingly re-creating the feel of classic-era Stooges slapstick comedy.  The fights are wonderfully over-the top, and choreographed in such a way that, had the film been in black and white, you might have trouble discerning a difference.  I found myself laughing loudly at times, particularly at moments that felt like something the Stooges might have done, given the resources present in this modern era.

Beer Two

Solid as the casting choices, and comedic set-pieces may be, the decision of transporting the Stooges to the present doesn’t always work.  The reality-TV references seem to be placed in the movie to give MTV a nice prolonged advertisement.  And the temporary satisfaction of seeing Shore-Scum Guido’s getting hit by blunt objects is tempered by the sad realization that they aren’t actually hurting anybody.

What I’m saying is: “Fuck that show”

Beer Three

The Farrelly Brothers also felt the need to add gross-out gags.  I’m aware that these are the same filmmakers who introduced the world to jizz-comedy, but it feels like an insult to the real Stooges, who never used that sort of humor.  Gross-out jokes work in the right context, but this just isn’t the setting for them.

This on the other hand…

Beer Four

The early part of the film, with the Stooges played by children is cute for a youtube video or something, but the novelty of children acting like adults wears off really fucking fast.  And it lasts for something in the neighborhood of twenty minutes.

Beer Five

Like it or not, this modern iteration of the classic comedy team is doomed to be compared with the originals.  And as funny as they might be, the original Stooges had a kind of natural talent for their craft that is just hard to overcome.

If you’re not laughing your ass off right now, you either have no soul, or think comedy requires fat suits.

Verdict

My advice is to stick with the original shorts if you need a Stooges fix.  They’ve recently been remastered for official DVD release and the quality is quite good.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for Curly’s trademark “soitenly!”, “Woo-woo-woo”, or “nyuck-nyuck-nyuck”

Take a Drink: for each prat-fall (good luck surviving this one)

Take a Drink: anytime they call Sister Mary-Mengele by name  (They’re really proud of that joke… rightly so).

Drink a Shot: for fart and piss jokes

Pour One Out: because we apparently missed out on our opportunity to have Moe, Larry and Curly played by Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, and Jim Carrey respectively.

Here’s to you; anonymous internet photoshop guy…

Only a couple of new releases of note this week, one of which we haven’t even reviewed… yet.  It’s about as light a period as it gets for DVD releases now as the last of 2011′s Oscar Season flicks straggle in, but things should kick back up again in a few weeks.

Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol -

Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Pixar vet Brad Bird graduated to large-budget megablockbusters in a big way… just a smidge more gracefully than Andrew Stanton did with John Carter.  Billy Arceneaux brings you the details of one of 2011′s best action films:

Read the review

Shame -

Shame (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

We actually haven’t reviewed this one just yet (hold on ’til Saturday) but with all my love for Michael Fassbender and Steve McQueen’s last team-up, Hunger, my expectations are high.

Read the review

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Snow lights up a cigarette.

Take a Drink: every time someone asks Snow why he still smokes.

Do a Shot: every time the main villain kills someone for no reason at all.

Read the full Lockout (2012) Review

By: Frankie B. (Five Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

After The Cabin in the Woods, this was probably the movie I was most excited about seeing in April. The trailers reminded me of the cheesy sci-fi/action movies of the mid-90s and with any luck to would either be so bad that it was actually good or it would just be good on it own accord. Guy Pearce also happens to be one of my personal favorites and I was looking forward to seeing him in his first real action movie role.

Lockout tells the story of Snow (Guy Pearce), an ex-CIA operative, who is framed for a crime he did not commit. He is blackmailed into helping the government try to save the daughter of the President of the United States (Maggie Grace), who is being held captive in an outer space prison. The prisoners have escaped from their cryogenic sleep and have taken the station hostage and Snow is the only person who can save the President’s daughter and the day as well.

A Toast

This goes to Guy Pearce. He definitely transformed himself physically to play this role and it showed on-screen because he looked like someone who could actually be this badass soldier. He does the best he can with a pretty weak script and he has you rooting for a character comprised of witty one liners. Hopefully this movie leads him to getting parts in action movies that have actual coherent scripts.

She’s crying because Peter Stormare is in the movie.

Beer Two

The action in the movie is a lot better than I thought it would be. Given the inexperience of the leads in action movies, I thought the action was going to be terrible. It actually turned out to be decent (a back-handed compliment, but still a compliment). The inclusion of Lennie James was also welcome, because he is generally underused in the roles he gets. His character brings the “good cop” aspect to the movie and he is the side Snow agrees to work with over the course of the movie. Definitely thought this was the best thing that he has acted in since he was in the pilot episode of The Walking Dead.

Looks like an action star, if all action stars looked like heroin addicts.

Beer Three

The acting ability for Maggie Grace is just not there. Every line of dialogue seems forced and she doesn’t really convey a ton of emotion with her expressions. I will say that she is very nice to look at but that wears off after a few minutes and then you go back to immediately not giving a shit about her character and her “humanitarian” mission to the space prison.

They really should have tried for “Taken: In Space”. That would have been epic.

Beer Four

Space prison? I truly can’t believe that this setting seemed like a good idea to anyone involved in the making of this movie. Also at this point I’m starting to believe that Luc Besson doesn’t really look at the scripts for the movies he is producing. The man hasn’t been involved in producing a good movie since the original Transporter, and the quality of that movie is even up for debate. The sheer amount of action movie clichés in this movie is staggering. The CGI in the opening scene of the movie is also pretty horrific. Looking like it was made by a guy trying to make a cutscene for a Playstation 2 game, thankfully it gets better as the movie goes on.

Beer Five

Two words….. Peter Stormare

Verdict

A very mediocre action movie from a below-average producer who wasted a lot of his potential. Guy Pearce is the only saving grace of this movie with his awesome delivery of cheesy one-liners and his budding potential as an action star.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Snow lights up a cigarette.

Take a Drink: every time someone asks Snow why he still smokes.

Do a Shot: every time the main villain kills someone for no reason at all.

Zooey Deschanel’s getting to be pretty big news on the small screen these days, so it’s about time she tries to retranslate some of that good will back into her film career.  Her next project certainly sounds intriguing enough.  It’s a romance from one of the better directors of that genre, Richard Curtis (Love, Actually), but with a twist.  She’ll play across from rising star Domhnall Gleeson, son of Brendan, who’ll play the last descendant of a family of time-travelers, who tries to use this talent to change the world.  That’s about all that’s been released about the project so far, but they had me at ‘time-travel’.

The Terminator franchise is taking a different approach after Salvation

It should come as no surprise that Hollywoodstarted working overtime on Steve Jobs biopics before his corpse was cold.  If you think that’s macabre, go check how many Whitney Houston albums are in the Billboard Top 10.  Yeah, that’s ‘how many’ as in ‘there are multiple’.  The adaptation Aaron Sorkin’s supposed to be writing will likely go the classy route, but the project entitled Jobs is apparently trying to reanimate Steve with an unholy anger.  Yup, Charles Sheen the Second, otherwise known as Ashton Kutcher, has been cast as the legendary Apple CEO, because, um…

Wait, holy shit!

Noomi Rapace, of the original Swedish Girl With a Dragon Tattoo trilogy is on the verge of some big things.  She got a bit of exposure in Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows, and should get a big boost from what might be the new Ridley role in Prometheus. What might be next reunites with her with Tattoo director Niels Arden Oplev, as well as Colin Farrell and Dominic Cooper.  Dead Man Down is about a mob hitman (Farrell) bent on vengeance who blackmailed by a seducer also seeking revenge for a past crime (Cooper… wait, no, probably Rapace).

… or Cooper?

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for the obligatory horror movie boob shot

Do a Shot: for the severed/isolated hands (you’ll know what I mean)

Do a Shot: every time the movie gets cliched and do another shot if the movie calls itself on it

Take a Drink: for the unicorn!!

Read the full The Cabin in the Woods (2012) Review

By: LivingDeadGuy (A Toast) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Cabin In The Woods is one of those movies that I heard nothing but good things about from entertainment journalists that I trust.  When they all have glowing remarks about a movie from someone you also trust (Joss Whedon), you know it’s going to be good.  You’re so confident that it will be good that you have no hesitation in letting your anticipation sky rocket to places you’re not sure the movie can reach.  There was also one solid piece of advice from them that I am going to pass on to you: go into the movie as blind as possible.  I’m serious; you see how many beers it got, just stop reading and go watch.

Alright if you must know, Cabin In The Woods picks right up where cliché leaves off with five stereotype college students going to a cabin in the woods for a weekend (half the plot is in the title, how good can this be?).  Not all is as it seems and they start getting eliminated in good bloody fashion.  There is another element to this that the trailers hint at but you don’t want to know about until you’re sitting in the theater.  Believe me, the movie is in the vein of Scream by looking cliché straight in the face and using it (only this time it’s beneficial).  There, that’s all the description you get.  Joss Whedon co wrote and produced it with long-time (I’m talking Buffy era) collaborator Drew Goddard who directed and co-wrote it.  A pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth stars; now go see the flipping movie!

See it or Marty takes you out with his…badass coffee…mug…?

A Toast

I look at my anticipation for the movie that started months ago and then look at how I feel about the movie.  I’m not let down.  I stayed blind and that was the smartest thing I could have done.  The cast is great, filling their roles perfectly and thanks to a good script, they never take themselves too seriously.  That’s another brilliant point: none of the characters make you hate them or want them dead.

There are a few instances of limited effects (the echoes heard during the escape attempt by RV) but those don’t detract from the movie in the least.

The story is a bit of a cliché with an original take.  Make no mistake, that original take IS the movie though.  It laughs at itself along with the audience.  With that idea in mind, I want to say that the movie seems to break its own 4^th wall at times.  There is even a point where the movie itself writes the script.  I know, sounds weird-just trust me.

Ever seen a girl make out with a mounted wolf’s head?  Would you like to?

Verdict

The movie does nothing wrong.  There may be parts that aren’t great (pffft I didn’t see any!) but they are balanced out by a lot of good stuff.  I can’t guarantee how much you’ll like the movie if you don’t like ANY horror.  If you’re a horror fan though, Cabin In The Woods WILL NOT let you down.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for the obligatory horror movie boob shot

Do a Shot: for the severed/isolated hands (you’ll know what I mean)

Do a Shot: every time the movie gets cliched and do another shot if the movie calls itself on it

Take a Drink: for the unicorn!!

Miss Bala (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Laura is called a pet name, like “Canelita”

Take a Drink: whenever you see a large wad of cash

Drink a Shot: whenever violence strikes like lightning out of a clear sky

Read the full Miss Bala (2011) Review

Miss Bala (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

When I ran across some news last week that actor extraordinaire Michael Fassbender had signed up on a project with Mexican Director Gerardo Naranjo, it reminded me that I never had gotten around to seeing the film that caught Hollywood’s eye- Miss Bala.  It was well-received at Cannes, resurfaced again at the margins of the Best Foreign Language Film race, then disappeared again until we finally got a DVD release nearly I year after I put it on my must-watch list.

The film follows a poor young woman from the Baja region ofMexicowho seeks to enter a beauty pageant, but who gets drawn into the violent world of narcotraficos (drug-runners) when a night at the dance hall turns into a bloody confrontation.  At first an unwilling hostage, the lines begin to blur as she gets drawn deeper into their world, and now opportunities begin to open up for her that may never have been possible otherwise.  And, of course, they have a price.

Ask your counselor about the wonderful world of Drug Muling today!

A Toast

Narango’s choice to intermix beauty pageants and drug smuggling is nothing if it isn’t unique.  He sheds light on the inner workings of both, and it’s fascinating how he weaves them together.  On the performance front, Noe Hernandez is absolutely chilling as the stone-faced narco leader, whose Home Depot parking lot exterior covers a fierce intelligence and will to survive.

He could be Demian Bichir’s evil twin

However, it’s Stephanie Sigman who is asked to shoulder the bulk of the acting load as Laura, the protagonist.  The camera lingers on her for incredible stretches of time, and any actor or actress having to deal with that would be forced to bring their ‘A’ game.  She does, and it will be interesting to witness her growth as an actress in the many roles she’s sure to land from here.

The real attraction of the film, though, is the camerawork.  Naranjo appears to be aggressively opposed to framing anything conventionally, and the result, especially in the action sequences, is exhilarating.  He packs his tableaus with action and movement, and it’s almost a shame to watch it if you don’t know Spanish, as focusing on the subtitles deprives you of time you could spend taking in everything that is going on in a scene.  If any film practically demands a rewatch, it’s this one.

Beer Two

The one consistent issue I had with the film was its pace.  At times, the plot and action sweep you up into the story, only to slam on the brakes for extended scenes that could have been cut to half their length.  The whiplash can be jarring.

I smell a Judge Judy appearance

Beer Three

This is exacerbated at the end, which Naranjo stuffs with extended close-ups of Sigman whose point escaped me.  Surely the last one didn’t last ten minutes, but can’t swear to you that it didn’t, either.

Verdict

A little more editing could have turned this into a masterpiece, but as is this film is still a herald for some exciting new talents to watch.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Laura is called a pet name, like “Canelita”

Take a Drink: whenever you see a large wad of cash

Drink a Shot: whenever violence strikes like lightning out of a clear sky

Today we’re talking questionable sequels and remakes, as is often the case in this column.  First off, the Farrelly Brothers are clearly grasping at whatever potentially parachute-concealing bags they can for their next project, as their death spiral from Stuck on You to The Heartbreak Kid to Hall Pass looks like it’ll culminate in the stenchy fireball that The Three Stooges is fated to be.  So, it should be no surprise that Dumb & Dumber 2 is next, or really that Jim Carrey got talked into coming back.  No, the real head-scratcher here is how they got Jeff Daniels to sign back on.

Maybe they’ll just force Carrey to play off of digitally inserted Daniels footage from The Squid and the Whale

Normally, a remake of something like Carrie would be all kinds of unnecessary, but the team it’s assembled gives me hope. In the title role, Chloe Grace Moretz has her work cut out for her convincing the audience that somebody looking like her could get socially ostracized, but she’s talented enough to pull it off.  Even more exciting, though, is the criminally underworked director, Kimberly Peirce, who knows a thing or two about unconventional, misunderstood characters and devastating endings.

Okay, give Moretz this haircut and I could see it…

Another thing Hollywoodlikes is remaking successful foreign properties, and none is hotter in Franceright now than Intouchables.  Apparently based on a true story, the film follows a rich quadriplegic and an African immigrant he hires to take care of him.  It’s apparently all kinds of heartwarming, and even nabbed Omar SyFrance’s equivalent of the Best Actor- the first time a black man’s been nominated or won the award.  The Weinstein Company is handling the remake, and reportedly wants Colin Firth for one of the leads, with no word yet on who’s being looked at for Sy’s role.  Critics aren’t sure how well the film’s going to translate to the U.S., though.  Early word is the film goes for some racial “white people be like this, black people be like that”-style humor, so…

… Chris Tucker’s about due for another one of these, right?

Viva Riva! (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: any time anyone gets laid

Take a Drink: any time gas or oil is mentioned or shown

Drink a Shot: every time Riva clearly doesn’t give a fuck

Read the full Viva Riva! (2011) Review

Viva Riva! (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Three Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

So, what’s the largest film industry in the world, in terms of number of annual productions?  If you guessedIndiaand Bollywood over theU.S.congrats, you’re a pretty sharp cookie.  Okay, so who’s #2? Nigeria?  How the hell did you know that?  Witch! Witch!

You can’t commit sorcery… underwater!

Okay, so the overlong and underfunny point here is that Central African cinema is a booming business that’s received little to no exposure elsewhere, although as production values and experience levels behind and in front of the camera increase that figures to change.  Viva Riva is actually a relatively rare Congolese film, but it offers a tantalizing look at what the future may have in store for the film industry of the region.

Its story follows the charismatic Riva, who’s just returned to Kinshasa with a valuable truckload of scarce gasoline, stolen form his ruthless Angolan boss, Cesar.  As Cesar leaves a swath of destruction behind him as hunts Riva down, and a wide array of players try to get in on the gasoline action, our protagonist sets his sights on Nora, who just happens to be the girlfriend of Kinsasha’s biggest crimelord.

A Toast

Director Djo Tunda Wa Munga displays a masterful touch with using his resources.  On a miniscule budget he creates a crime thriller that stacks up against most of itsHollywoodbrethren in the looks department and may outpace them in content.  He’s helped by the exotic, unknown to most world of Kinsasha, and he takes full advantage, immersing the film in its environment and taking us everywhere from tiny roadside food stands to swank nightclubs.

The story is nothing to sneeze at either, as he tweaks gangster movie trope to weave no intricate web of corruption entangling just about everyone in the city, where graft is simply the flattest of tax rates.

The acting ranges from solid, to particularly Patsha Bay (Riva)’s case, pretty damn good.  He does a great job man who just doesn’t give a fuck anymore, and who’s now out to get his however possible.

Beer Two

His character’s also a bit of a creep.  It keeps cropping up in odd places, and when it does a fortifying nip isn’t the worst idea.  Particularly bad is a scene where he turns out getting caught watching a girl pee into a romantic entrée.  Man, if that’s all it took…

Then I guess I can put 20 years of pimping experience on my resume

Beer Three

So, it’s damned impressive what Munga accomplishes with his limited resources, and it’s probably unfair to penalize him when his ambition outstrips his budget, but sometimes it really, really does.

Which seems to be a recurring theme in African cinema

Verdict

This gem of a crime thriller has some great ideas and a fascinating setting.  Somebody give Djo Tunda Wa Munga a real budget!

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: any time anyone gets laid

Take a Drink: any time gas or oil is mentioned or shown

Drink a Shot: every time Riva clearly doesn’t give a fuck

So, I gave this a little bit of time, because I’m so damn pessimistic, we’ve heard it before a few times, and it was so close to April Fools Day:

“As of 0900 mountain time, Paramount Pictures and myself, Ronald Aaron Joseph Burgundy, have come to terms on a sequel to Anchorman. It is official: There will be a sequel to Anchorman.”

So, from the horse’s mouth itself, that long-rumored Anchorman sequel has been resurrected.  Will Ferrell, Steve Carrell, and Paul Rudd have been confirmed as returning, as well as director Adam McKay.  Still unknown is the status of Christina Applegate and David Koechner, but Applegate’s not exactly been on fire in the film world at least, and Koechner never met the role he’d turn down.

Piranha 3DD? Is there craft service?  Then yes.

Speaking of stacked comedy casts, the creator and often director of Mad Men, Matthew Weiner, has assembled quite an example for his feature debut.  You Are Here is finally moving forward after a lot of rumors with Owen Wilson, Zach Galifianakis, and Amy Poehler headlining.  The film follows two friends and roomies who get thrown for a loop when one inherits “the family general store, a country home, and millions of dollars of Amish farmland” from his deceased father, as well as the attention of his conniving ex-wife.  I’m going out on a limb and saying Galifianakis has that role.

You know he’s just itching to make that beard happen

Continuing the theme of long-gestating comedies that sound like April Fools jokes but really aren’t, it’s official that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito are returning for a sequel to Twins, but now it’s Triplets and the third brother will be played by… Eddie Murphy.  It this was 1989, we’d probably be talking comedy gold here, but 23 years after the original, not so much.  How weird is it that DeVito’s probably the most professionally legit of that group now?  The producers are still looking for both a writer and a director, so in that vein only one group would inspire any confidence in me at all: the Always Sunny gang.

The birth flashbacks would be intense

Air Collision (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every shot of people screaming and/or crying

Take a Drink: whenever the A-CAT system is mentioned

Drink a Shot: to Reginald VelJohnson; The Asylum just needs to give one more actor of Family Matters fame to complete the Triforce.

Read the full Air Collision (2012) review

Air Collision (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Wonko The Sane (Six Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

The TSA installs a new air-traffic control system that automates all aspects of air travel, from flight patterns to the jets themselves.  In spite of criticism from experts this system is implemented immediately, and with seemingly little beta-testing, and no backup plans in case something goes wrong.  Needless to say, now a crowded airliner is headed on a collision-course for Air Force One, and it is up to Bob Abbot (Reginald VanJohnson) to save the day.

Murphy’s Law

A Toast

The Asylum’s latest offering in a long-running series of disaster epics, the action is intense, the special effects are amazing, and the acting is top notch.

April Fools!

Beer Two

Reginald VelJohnson is most well known for playing second-banana to Bruce Willis in Die Hard, and for his role as the well meaning, but firm strait-man to Steve Urkel on the early 1990′s sitcom Family Matters.  And while his career has been that of supporting roles, in Air Collision he is definitely the actor with the most screen presence.  I have to credit him here, as he definitely does everything he can with the material he’s given.  Usually the “celebrity” star of Asylum films put about as much effort into the performance as their hangover will allow.

Do you hear me Richard Grieco?

Beer Three

The plot of this is so gloriously absurd, I could spend days pointing out the plot holes, but I’ll just focus on two.  First of all, who on earth thought it was a good idea to install a system of killer lasers all over Air Force One?  Worse yet, why is it that these killer lasers are only controllable via an automatic computer system?  I guess the screenwriter didn’t see how well that worked out in The Andromeda Strain.

Beer Four

I also simply do not believe that anyone, no matter how dim, would think that putting thousands of lives at risk in the hands of one untested computer was a good idea.  Granted, I have this complaint about every cautionary tale involving machines failing or taking over the world, so the movie is at least not unique to this problem.  If you wanted to be generous, you could excuse this second complaint as an attempt to satirize the digital age society, automating everything for the sake of convenience.

Screenwriter laziness is the more likely scenario

Beer Five

In spite of these complaints, Air Collision is full of hilarious moments of ineptitude.  This studio has forged a truly unique identity, and rest assured it is still the king of CGIsploitation.

With that said, I am wondering about something written on the DVD box.

You don’t want to anger the movie nerd, you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.  With that said:

This is not the same thing as This

Beer Six

So it’s the same old dependable Asylum, stealing equally from Executive Decision, Air Force One, and basically every other airplane disaster movie, with a screenplay that Michael Bay passed on, presumably for not being trite enough.

I’d have a joke here, but his career stopped being funny a long time ago.

Verdict

Get yourself a few friends, and fasten your seat-belts, a flight attendant will be serving drinks shortly…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every shot of people screaming and/or crying

Take a Drink: whenever the A-CAT system is mentioned

Drink a Shot: to Reginald VelJohnson; The Asylum just needs to get one more actor of Family Matters fame to complete the Triforce.

The Cabin in the Woods -

I’m a big Joss Whedon fan, but not in a blind, fangirl, ‘everything he touches turns to gold’ kind of way. It’s a popular tendency for those who get to know his work because his characters and worlds are easy to fall in love with. Buffy, Firefly, Dr. Horrible, and the few seasons of Angel I’ve seen are all fantastic: the drama, the action, the comedy. He has a penchant for occasionally killing off well-loved characters, similar to George R.R. Martin, because that’s what real life is like. Spoiler: you and everyone you care about (and loathe) are going down. And like Martin, Whedon has a great talent for bringing fantasy elements down to earth and grounding them in realistic characters and brutal situations. The problem with Whedon is that, if you don’t share his taste, you’re not going to be impressed. For some, it’s love at first sight; for others, a deep connection forms over time. Unfortunately, some people don’t have the attention span or the open mind to get what he’s going for.

This was a comedy episode…

To his credit, he’s never sold out to broader tastes to cash in on easy paycheques. Now, with Cabin in the Woods and The Avengers later this spring, it looks like Whedon is going to get some big mainstream exposure.

Whedon and co-writer Drew Goddard (also of Buffy and Angel, as well as Lost and Cloverfield fame) fully embrace the horror/thriller genre, and it looks like the results will be polarizing. The types of people who aren’t in on the joke, well, won’t get it. The story of some sexy teens who are terrorized in the woods by a group of scientists who control the environment is both satire on the genre while simultaneously being a real horror (and sci-fi?) flick. The set-up is much like the relationship between writers/directors and their characters. Sadistic writers, anyway.

Beer Prediction

Maybe I do have blind faith. The people who like the Saw franchise probably won’t like it. I think that real genre fans will. Me? Oh, I don’t like horror movies. See you next time, Joss.

Lockout -

Every time I hear one of those few Trailer Voice Guys speak, I know some standard studio fare is coming. Is it because they can’t quite make the material stand on its own or because they think some serious hand holding is required? I mean, someone actually says Guy Pearce’s character is a loose cannon. With dialogue like that, I think we can puzzle through it.

The president’s daughter is trapped on aFloatingCriminalSpaceIslandand it’s up to a guy who is “the best”, but who they don’t completely trust, to save her!

Beer Prediction

I wonder if those two will take the time during the escape to knock space boots?

The Three Stooges -

Do I have to? FINE.

Oh, weird, another deep yet smooth trailer voiceover.

This is the worst. I hate the real Three Stooges and their slapstick shenanigans. This remake looks bloody intolerable (I’m not British; a few blood vessels just exploded in the Taste centre of my brain.) This is up at ‘The Chipmunk movies’ levels of bad. It’s a perfect representation of the point where my rage and boredom meet.

And Kate Upton, where are your standar—right, you jiggle for money. Carry on.

Beer Prediction

Just smuggle in a whole 40.

Khartoum (1966) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every speech about religion

Take a Drink: for each Muslim character played by a white dude in blackface

Drink a Shot: when Gordon is called “Chinese”

Read the full Khartoum (1966) Review

Khartoum (1966) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

It is the 1880′s and the Sudan is under threat by Muhammad Ahmed (Laurence Olivier).  Ahmed is a religious fanatic who sees himself as the prophesied redeemer of Islam, the “Mahdi”.  Ahmed commands a large army of followers with the intent of capturing the city of Khartoum, which sits at the confluence of the Blue and White Nile rivers, and are not that thing on television that your retarded cousin likes to watch.

“Spunchpob and Gary watch cartooms!”

After an Egyptian contingent lead by retired British Colonel William Hicks is massacred, public demonstrations within Great Britain prompt the government to send General Charles “Chinese” Gordon (Charlton Heston) to Khartoum to oversee the evacuation of European and Egyptian nationals, and to prepare the city for the impending siege.  Gordon is a Christian Evangelist, with a spiritualist streak, who is absolute in his resolve, and less-so with orders.  When it becomes clear that the Mahdi’s Army has cut off any chance of an evacuation, Gordon defies his government and stays on to command the city’s defense.

A Toast

Charlton Heston is an actor whose legacy is that of epic films, and even more epic overacting.  An experienced theater player prior to his film career, he never seemed to shake the need to “Act Big”.  Fortunately in this epic he plays down his more eccentric side, in favor of a fairly measured performance.  Of course he does get some good chances to exercise his oratory skills, but these moments are nowhere near the over the top sequences audiences have come to expect.

Are there Ape-Furries? *googles* ohshitwhydidIdothat

… I do this in protest…

fapfapfapfapfapfap

As far as big-budgeted epics go, this one is definitely unique, especially for the time.  It covers a part of history I’m ashamed to say I knew little to nothing about, and it definitely piqued my interest.  There are several themes which dominate the film, the first being that of vanity.  The British government sends Gordon to Khartoum in order to salvage their image in the public’s eyes.  And that of Gordon, who sees himself as the “smartest man in the room” at all times. Gordon was chosen because of his previous success in the Sudan destroying the slave trade, and he sees himself as the only one capable of victory.

This all changes however, after Gordon speaks with the Mahdi, and realizes he has met his true match.  Like Gordon the Mahdi is a true believer, totally committed to his own cause, and the Mahdi’s army are devout followers.  Gordon on the other hand is contending with dissent and outright betrayal at every turn.  Another highlight are the battle sequences, which are massive and well-shot affairs, which highlight the brutality of the combat and the desperate struggle for survival, while not being over-long.

Beer Two

One of the problems which plagues so many large-scale films of the 50′s-60′s is in the sometimes ungainly pacing.  The film is bookended by wholly unnecessary narrative segments which reveal little of importance that isn’t already depicted.  The filmmakers clearly didn’t trust their audience to figure things out for themselves.  Also, there are some sequences in the second act that could have been left on the cutting-room floor, many of which serve less to build character or suspense, and more to pad the running time.  Still, at two hours and fifteen minutes, it does move along quite well in the opening act, and boasts one of the most concise and poignant climaxes in film history.  While their school of acting has long since become overshadowed by “method”, it is simply satisfying to see Olivier and Heston sparring with each other on screen.  They are true Ninja Masters… of acting…

Obligatory…

Beer Three

I have to address the elephant in the room.  While Sir Laurence Olivier is a great actor, the age of the film is definitely felt in the heavy use of blackface makeup employed on him, and nearly every other major North-African character in the movie.  Senegalese actor Johnny Sekka (Roots: The Next Generation) is the only African actor with a significant speaking part, and he was sadly restricted to the role of Gordon’s servant.  Olivier does give a strong performance, but still…

What the fuck, Hollywood?

Verdict

While not on the same level of excellence as other epics from the mid 60′s, like Lawrence of Arabia and Zulu, I think that you’ll find this a very watchable “afternoon with 2 hours to kill” movie.  Put it on your Netflix queue.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every speech about religion

Take a Drink: for each Muslim character played by a white dude in blackface

Drink a Shot: when Gordon is called “Chinese”

Restless (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time ‘cancer’, ‘cancer kids’, or ‘kids with cancer’ are mentioned

Take a Drink: every time someone talks about death nonchalantly

Drink a Shot: for ghost sass, and especially ghost punch!

Read the full Restless (2011) Review

Restless (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Gus Van Sant is one of my few favorite contemporary filmmakers.  And yet, of that short list (Quentin Tarantino, Christopher Nolan, the Coen Brothers, Wes Anderson, Jason Reitman, Darren Aronofsky, David Fincher, Martin Scorcese, Pedro Almodovar… okay maybe not so short) he is probably the most variable.  For every film that simply stuns you, like Drugstore Cowboy or the unparalleled Elephant, he tosses off a Finding Forrester or Psycho remake.  Even the film he finally got an Oscar nomination for, Milk, seemed awful safe compared to his usual style.  Coming off of that, what camp is his latest going to fall into?

Okay, Finding Forrester does have its charms

Restless follows an orphan (Henry Hopper, son of Dennis) and high school dropout that’s taken to attending strangers’ funerals to satiate his morbidity and otherwise spends his time talking to and playing Battleship with the ghost of a Japanese kamikaze pilot.  While at one of these funerals, he meets a young girl who has a brain tumor and romance is in the air!

A Toast

So, you can’t say that this isn’t a unique concept.  Aggressively unique perhaps, but at least it’s not the remake of a 80s TV show or the fifteenth sequel to the same.  This movie is also almost admirable on how much it doesn’t give a shit about being overly morbid.  It ups the ante on movie morbidity more than any other film I can think of.

So, if this is you, bon apetit!

Even with that kind of backhanded compliment, the film has moments of undeniable sweetness and even poetry, especially towards the end.  It is this natural and unusually subdued (for the film) ending that ultimately saves it.  On the performance front, Mia Wasikowska is as charming as always.

Beer Two

She’s also operating at a completely different level than Henry Hopper.  If he was giving a silent performance, he might even be worth complementing, but his voice and delivery seem to hit all the wrong emotional cues.  The result is a lot more whining than acting.

Beer Three

You only really see Gus Van Sant’s influence in the soundtrack, as the shooting is pretty conventional for him.  The songs are the lighter indie tracks of the sort that he used to great effect in Paranoid Park, but they fit almost too perfectly here.  When you overlay them over the already twee-as-hell script the result is too goddamn precious for words.

That wasn’t really a compliment

Beer Four

The tone of this film is just so damn strange.  It traffics heavily in death, but is in equal turns nonchalant and romantic about it.  If you’ve ever lost someone, and who hasn’t, you won’t recognize any of this behavior as remotely human.  Yes, in the third act the cracks start to show in the façade, but they’re never quite convincing enough to bring down the bizarre structure the film builds in the first two.

Verdict

I’m not sure what sort of mood you have to be in to enjoy this properly.  It’s flippantly morbid and saccharine sweet, but there are just enough moments of beauty to make it worth a watch, at least for Gus Van Sant completists anyway.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time ‘cancer’, ‘cancer kids’, or ‘kids with cancer’ are mentioned

Take a Drink: every time someone talks about death nonchalantly

Drink a Shot: for ghost sass, and especially ghost punch!

Into the Abyss (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever someone mentions being in jail

Take a Drink: whenever a violent act is attributed to Michael Perry

Do a Shot: every time someone breaks down emotionally (actually, don’t. I think that would officially make you a sociopath- an extremely drunk sociopath)

Read the full Into the Abyss (2011) Review

Into the Abyss (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Henry J. Fromage (Two Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

The best documentarians mix up their subject material regularly, showing a broad range of interests and a nose for unique stories.  Even among the Errol Morris’s and James Marsh’s of the world, the owner of the all-time best villain voice, Werner Herzog, is especially eclectic.  He’s documented Vietnam POWs, a man who lived with wild grizzles, the people who make a permanent home of Antartica, prehistoric cave paintings in 3D!!, and himself literally eating his shoe.

That recipe actually looks kind of delicious

Now he tackles the death penalty.  The subject has been covered before, and his technique is simple- interviewing everyone involved in a Texas murder case, including the death row inmate, his friend who got life, that man’s incarcerated father and wife, acquaintances from their hometown, the cop who had the case, the victim’s sister and sole surviving relative, a former executioner, and several more.  What emerges, though, is much larger than the scope of the subject.  Like always, Herzog expands his film to address questions of life, death, and what it means to be human.

A Toast

This film is fairly simple even for a documentary.  It is almost entirely just a camera trained on a single subject, with Herzog behind it asking question whenever it’s necessary to clarify details or nurture a train of thought.  When you choose subjects this fascinating, that’s all you need.  Herzog knows just when to push for a bit more, and the payoff is real, unsuppressed emotion that is difficult not to empathize with, regardless of the speaker.

For my money, the segment that packed the most punch was towards the end, when Herzog gets to interview a former death row executioner.  Regardless of your views on the institution, and I have mixed feelings on it myself, this will make you think.  An earlier interview with the victim’s sister describing the catharsis that witnessing her brother’s murderer die gave her offers a potent counterargument, but this man’s story of participating in Texas’s first execution of a woman and how that finally eroded the foundation of his faith in the institution is even more convincing.

In the end Into the Abyss deserves high praise because it masterfully accomplishes what any good documentary, or piece of art in general should- it holds up a mirror to examine yourself and your convictions in.

On an unrelated note, God Damn, but in-utero pictures look just like Ridley Scott monsters.  You’ll know what I’m talking about when you see it.

Beer Two

I wavered between this and A Toast, but had to add a beer when it became obvious that Herzog was intentionally pressing buttons with his questions to provoke the most emotional responses possible.  This makes for fascinating, but also supremely depressing, viewing.  Some of the responses sound like bad country music songs.  One story, almost verbatim, goes like this: “He was supposed to marry me, but he died, got hit by a train, with my older brother, and the family dog.”

That’s Patsy Cline as fuck

Verdict

So, maybe don’t skip the Prozac before you watch this, but if you’re in the mood for a thought-provoking documentary delivered by one of the masters of the genre at the top of his game, you should give it a look.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever someone mentions being in jail

Take a Drink: whenever a violent act is attributed to Michael Perry

Do a Shot: every time someone breaks down emotionally (actually, don’t. I think that would officially make you a sociopath- an extremely drunk sociopath)

Honestly, not much to recommend here this week, unless you find Meryl Streep doing an uncanny Margaret Thatcher impersonation and talking to ghosts amusing.  However, if you’re in a documentary mood, you can never go wrong with the legendary Werner Herzog.

The Iron Lady -

The Iron Lady (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

This was pretty much the type of Oscar bait you’d expect, and Meryl does ride it to a statue.  Still, crimebusterofthesea wasn’t terribly impressed:

Read the review

The Darkest Hour -

The Darkest Hour (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

The hope was that this one would provide some popcorn-munching sci-fi carnage last holiday season, but even with those low expectations The Cinephiliac couldn’t find much to recommend this one for:

Read the review

Into the Abyss -

Into the Abyss (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

Legendary filmmaker Werner Herzog takes a look at Death Row, interviewing everyone involved with a case, from the family of the victims to police officers and death row executioners to the alleged murderers themselves.  As always, he draws out surprising and poignant responses that suggest so much more about life, family, and justice than you would expect.

Read the review

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you were expecting something with a bit more heart.

Take a Drink: when you start feeling embarrassed for the actors.

Do a Shot: because Stiffler eating a dog turd in American Wedding was NOT the lowest moment of the series.

Read the full American Reunion (2012) Review