Author Archives: Wonkothesane
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every shot of people screaming and/or crying
Take a Drink: whenever the A-CAT system is mentioned
Drink a Shot: to Reginald VelJohnson; The Asylum just needs to give one more actor of Family Matters fame to complete the Triforce.
By: Wonko The Sane (Six Beers) -
The TSA installs a new air-traffic control system that automates all aspects of air travel, from flight patterns to the jets themselves. In spite of criticism from experts this system is implemented immediately, and with seemingly little beta-testing, and no backup plans in case something goes wrong. Needless to say, now a crowded airliner is headed on a collision-course for Air Force One, and it is up to Bob Abbot (Reginald VanJohnson) to save the day.
By: Wonko The Sane (Four Beers) -
In case you hadn’t heard, there are two versions of the “Snow White” fairy tale being released in 2012, one is a comedy with wise-cracking short people and visual splendor, the other has Thor. Regardless of how either film is destined to be seen by critics, the material in the trailers alone indicate a great deal of money backing them. If you’re going to remake a story that is so well known, you have to put everything you have into making it feel fresh. Give it an Oscar-caliber cast, or millions of dollars for special effects. After all you’ve got to have standards right?
Did I mention there is a third “Snow White” movie coming out this year?
Enter The Asylum, a film studio whose standards of quality are (presumably) lauded in the industry. And in Grimm’s Snow White they prove that they can make a film for tens of dollars look like it was shot for a couple hundred.
I tend to give The Asylum a lot of credit; while they haven’t exactly made a great movie, they have made a lot of fun ones. Sure, they often have laughable dialog, performances, production quality, effects, etc. But within these flaws is often a spark of inspiration from which hours of entertainment can be drawn. Asylum movies are best enjoyed in the same fashion as college sex, after a few beers, and with a willing friend… or three.
Sadly, this spark of creativity feels sorely lacking in Grimm’s Snow White, which is neither serious enough to be dramatic, nor eccentric enough to enjoy as a guilty pleasure. The story is half-assed, and feels like they shot the whole thing without a script, mixing in elements of Lord of the Rings in a desperate attempt to make it feel relevant. My (unsolicited) advice to The Asylum is to stick to its usual mix of scifi bullshit and miscellaneous boobies.
Boobies are better for everyone
They couldn’t even afford a single little person to play a dwarf. Instead they replace them with families of Elves, who are just like humans, but with pointy ears and magic. To put it in terms they can understand: Snow White without Dwarves is like Mega Python without Gatoroid… it’s just… not… done.
I think when the makeup guys were told to do “Old Crone”, they instead did “Jewish Albino”.
As seen in The Princess Bride
Snow White is woken up from her poison
apple ring sleep approximately 60 minutes into the movie. Leaving the audience wondering what the hell they could possibly have planned for the next half hour. From this point forward, the screenwriters attempt to give the flaccid storyline a dose or two of Cialis, by expanding on a war between the “Dark Elves” and the Queen’s “Armies” (Though you’re hard pressed to see more than a half-dozen actors on screen at any one time).
Wait… are those the Hell-Beasts from Almighty Thor?
I just don’t have the strength to go on…
There are so many things I should really be doing with my life. I could start a business, I could become a painter. Be glad that my life’s work is instead to warn others.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every shot of roaring creatures.
Deathcount! (Take a drink for each on-screen death)
Drink a Shot: for Dark Elves (What is this, Warhammer?)
By: Wonko The Sane (Six Beers) –
Laughing in the face of all that is good and decent in the world, The Asylum has done it again. 2-Headed Shark Attack is the latest in a long-running line of ridiculous and awesome monster movies that are so good they totally bypass the theaters and go straight to DVD. These CGI-Laden catastrophes of cinema have neither the time, the inclination, nor the budget to be artistic. Indeed, these films are meant to be served fresh out of the bargain-bin and with a heaping helping of greasy food and hard liquor. And god… how I love them.
We can now say we know what would happen if Jaws’ mother hadn’t kicked drugs before getting pregnant.
By: Wonko the Sane (Four Beers) -
The Duncan family have moved into a new home, and daughter Brooke is struggling to fit into the surroundings. She quarrels often with her father and stepmom, and has taken to sneaking out late at night to hang out with friends. Here she meets Denny, who within their first 5 minutes together tells her he’s a rapist… a hint she fails to notice as she falls madly in love with him.
Am I the only one who wonders about Lifetime Television Network’s obsession with abusive relationship movies? I mean, is there a network for these actors to go to for help?
By: Wonko The Sane (Four Beers) -
This is a classic setup for a movie, regardless of genre:
Action: A regular, everyday family moves into a regular, everyday neighborhood, into a totally unassuming house. Their world is turned upside down when their new neighbors turn out to be terrorists, and the family has to fight to uncover the evil conspiracy.
Comedy: A regular, everyday family moves into a regular, everyday neighborhood, into a totally unassuming house. “Hilarious” results ensue when they discover that they live next door to the village goofballs (genius!).
Porno, a regular, everyday family moves into a regular, everyday neighborhood, into a totally unassuming house… and everybody’s fuckin’.
However, in this movie:
11/11/11: A regular, everyday family moves into a regular, everyday neighborhood, into a totally unassuming house… Right next to the entire cast of The Omen.
Complete with crazy cat lady
Indeed, basically everything within 11/11/11 is lifted directly from the Omen franchise. So I will not waste time summarizing the story, except to say; yes, the neighbors are devil worshipers and yes, little Damian is Satan.
This is one of The Asylum Studio’s most satisfying films to date. Of course the acting is hit and miss, the special effects are ludicrous, and the plot feels more used than a car up on blocks. But this actually works in the film’s favor as it ends up feeling like an unintentional parody of doomsday prophecy films. Everything is taken to the extreme, from the pointlessly bloody deaths…
(there was a point to this one)
To the gratuitous repetition of numerological context clues…
They even got a plot-twist obsessed Asian man,
Why is M. Night Shyamalan in this movie, and why does he have kittens on his backpack?
I think I strayed a bit from my point here…
This movie used CGI bees so ridiculously that it could be a Nicholas Cage movie
This drink is for the Father, who watches as his son misbehaves, starts cutting himself with glass, and stabs his mother in the stomach, never once catching on to the fact that his child might have a little bit of devil in him.
“Hairdryer in the bathtub? My son… the practical joker!”
And when the Nanny that creeps the shit out of him turns out to be the only option, it couldn’t be because the nanny brutally murdered all of her competition.
Never trust Sarah Silverman lookalikes around children
As of 11/12/11, there is absolutely no chance this film will ever be taken seriously by conspiracy nuts, horror fans, or anyone. This is sort of like how 2001: A Space Odyssey was wrong about interstellar travel, and how Escape from New York claims that the future-world of 1997 sees the economy in ruins, and New York City a haven for greedy sociopaths…
Gloriously stupid, fantastically trite, fucking hilarious!
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time the number 11 is referenced, mentioned, or hinted at (This alone will probably kill you, drink responsibly)
Take a Drink: for each on-screen death
Down a Shot: whenever crazy cat-lady stares into your soul
Take a Drink: for every chance the father has to figure this shit out, and doesn’t.
By: Wonko The Sane (Five Beers) -
It is the early 1300s and the Pope has disbanded the order of the Knights Templar, forcing its members to escape into the hinterlands of Europe to find peace and freedom from persecution. A group of these knights led by John the Brave (Stuntman and Horse Trainer Dylan Jones) encounter a village being ransacked by pirates. In spite of the fear that the villagers will sell them out for personal gain, they intervene, saving the town from total destruction.
Here they also encounter totally-not-Xena The Warrior Princess, who is most definitely not going to be a love interest for one or more of the Knights. Eventually they discover a curse which haunted the pirates, and has now overtaken them… A curse that causes the victim to turn into a dragon if they give themselves over to evil thoughts!
You wouldn’t like them if they’re angry…
This is not a naturally tenable position for religious knights, so they set off on a quest to find the evil wizard whose curse now haunts them.
When I first heard of the impending release of The Asylum’s Dragon Crusaders I had three thoughts; “Well, I like Dragons”, And ” The Crusades are an interesting point in history”, and followed that comment promptly with “how bad could it be?”
The Asylum’s already stellar reputation for quality is of course maintained. However, Dragon Crusaders does up the ante a bit, boasting competent performances, a fairly original take on medieval fantasy, and computerized special effects that would have passed for blockbuster quality in 1994. I watched this film with my good friend Bennie, whose affinity for Swords and Sorcery includes a deep and highly pornographic obsession for Kristanna Loken. And while she isn’t in this movie, that won’t prevent me from posting her picture in this article.
You’re welcome Bennie…
The characters in the movie refer to the Dragons as Gargoyles. Of course, the title Gargoyle Crusaders just doesn’t have the same ring to it… Still bothered me though.
There is a lot of buildup for the big fight between the Wizard and the Knights… a buildup to a severe anticlimax. One special effects defect which plagues the movie is that the Dragons/Gargoyles never interact very well with the actors, and often feels downright cartoonish.
Although Disney made it work, so there is still hope.
The Asylum knows how to take advantage of outdoor surroundings and location shoots to get the most production value out of very little money. Dragon Crusaders, for instance, was shot in and around the hills of Wales, and the splendor of the countryside is definitely nice. However, the film does fall victim to the JRR Tolkien rule of fantasy storytelling.
As outlined in this helpful demonstration:
Editor’s Note: It is well known that every Asylum film deserves a good six pack, a few jello shots, maybe a forty in a brown paper bag, and/or a severe chemical imbalance for maximum enjoyment. With that said, please drink responsibly… especially if your film preferences are as poor as mine.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever someone turns into a dragon
Take a Drink: for random healing song?
Take a Drink: every time someone uses the words “Knight”, “Saltpeter”, or “wizard”
Down a Shot: for ZOMBIES!!!!!