Author Archives: The Cinephiliac
Dark Shadows (2012)
By: The Cinephiliac (Four Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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If you were born after the baby boomer generation then you may not be familiar with the legacy of Dark Shadows. In 1966 Dan Curtis’ gothic soap opera, Dark Shadows, premiered on ABC. It was a show that revolved around the Collins family estate and the supernatural happenings that take place in Collins’ home. The soap opera received mixed reviews initially until its second season introduced the vampire Barnabas Collins which thrust the show into a new found popularity. Word on the street is, at its height Dark Shadows was an impressive, well-loved show, so much so that upon cancellation fans threatened to protest the decision by crashing the set of the show that replaced it, Passwords. With its heavy focus on the supernatural, Dark Shadows paved the way for more paranormal oriented television shows like ABC’s soap opera Passions and Joss Whedon’s cult classic, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Dark Shadows made such an impact that as a youth Johnny Depp claimed to have been obsessed with Barnabas Collins to the point of wanting to be him. That’s why it makes sense that he would jump at the opportunity to do his own portrayal of the cryptic vampire in Tim Burton’s retelling of the classic series—because it certainly couldn’t have been because the script was something impressive. But then again, considering Depp’s film choices over the decades shows he is prone to choosing his fair share of rotten eggs.
Have you seen The Astronaut’s Wife? Don’t. It’s bad.
Dark Shadows begins with the back story of Barnaby, a once youthful attractive man courting the love of his life. However, when a jealous witch who has fallen in love with him disapproves of the relationship, she places a curse upon the Collins family and condemns Barnaby to be buried alive as a vampire. Two centuries go by and he is accidentally dug up and recovered in 1972, returning to his beloved estate to care for the dysfunctional distant relatives now residing in his home and struggling to keep themselves and the family business afloat.
A Toast
Tim Burton always has been and always will be a visionary mastermind and Dark Shadows is just drenched in Tim Burton-ness. Images within the film are bright and vibrant despite being contrasted against dark and drab backdrops. Set in the 1800s with low lighting and a black and gray color scheme, Burton still somehow creates a luminous world in which even the faces of characters glow thanks to digitized post effects.
Although I didn’t experience the 1970s first hand, it seems to be captured authentically throughout the film. It’s not flashy and campy as most films would portray a specific decade, but instead it’s almost downplayed after the first half of the film and at times there’s even an authentic grain as if some scenes were shot on film instead of digitally. Also the world of Collinsport, in which Barnaby and the Collins reside, seems fairy tale-like with its enormous landscapes. Of course, because it’s Tim Burton, the town the Collins estate is found in sits near an enormous cliff padded with large boulders and gushing water, making this story of vampires, witches, and ghosts that much more believable because of the world they exist in is.
How do you make the 1800s, the 1970s, and cloudy rainy days look vibrant? Only Tim Burton knows.
Beer Two
The story feels like it’s going around in circles between Barnaby and Angelique constantly fighting and her attempting to seduce him repeatedly. Also, one would think a film about a vampire condemned to burial and awoken in the 1970s would be a romping comedy with hilarious hijinks, and it kind of is. However, Dark Shadow quickly becomes a one trick pony. Nearly every single joke relies on the generational gap of Barnaby and his surroundings with very few of the jokes straying from that formula. Nearly everything is set up to remind you that Barnaby is new to this world and while it makes for humorous moments it gets older than flogging a dead horse to make it pull a load (idiom fans will appreciate that).
Beer Three
The development of character relationships throughout Dark Shadows is rather weak and almost paper thin. Dark Shadows starts off introducing Victoria Winters, a women looking to start a new life as a teacher for the strange and youngest member of the Collins family, David. Yet after the introduction of Barnaby, Victoria is forgotten about and only briefly seen with Barnaby until the film’s climax, therefore never giving audiences the chance to get a true sense of their relationship and the connection they feel for each other. Instead Dark Shadows puts too much focus on the past and present relationship of Barnaby and Angelique. Had the focus on relationships been inverted, I would have cared about the fate of Barnaby and Victoria’s relationship instead of my focus at the film’s climax being when the credits would start.
Oh yeah, this story started off about you… sorry what’s your name and story again?
Beer Four
The same weakness in relationship development can be said for the development of secondary characters as well. The film features an ensemble of family members, but most of them are wasted as just standard pawns only present to move the plot along and in different directions. Throughout the entire film I felt like I didn’t know the true intentions or understand any of the characters outside of Barnaby and Angelique. Michelle Pfeiffer’s character, Elizabeth Collins, is given an air of mystery and mistrust at the film’s beginning, but that all inexplicably goes out the window as she turns out to be a much less sinister figure than we are led to believe. On the other hand, Chloe Mortez as Elizabeth’s daughter, Carolyn, doesn’t develop to be much other than an annoying Lolita whose cues never go beyond being the angst ridden vixen teenager. When she’s not delivering every line with a scowl, she appears to be trying to seduce everyone in her path.
If it weren’t for the somewhat original story and Johnny Depp, who is just phenomenal as a character actor, Dark Shadows would have been a complete waste of time. When Depp’s not on screen everything is just melodramatic time filler that never truly amounts to anything memorable. Dark Shadows isn’t terrible but it’s far from impressive. It reminds me that as much as I would like to believe that Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are a dream team, the only thing noteworthy they are doing together these days is telling stylistically different stories. Nothing more, nothing less. Dark Shadows is entertaining, but the same enjoyment can be had from watching a high budget film on the Syfy Channel.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Barnaby says “indeed”
Take a Drink: every time he does a double take
Take a Drink: for every classic song that you hear and recognize.
Take a Drink: every time Chloe Mortez’s character scowls and/or pouts.
Take a Drink: every time a woman seduces Barnaby.
Take a Drink: every time you wonder what Angelique isn’t capable of.
The Raven (2012)
By: The Cinephiliac (Five Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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In 1849, famed poet Edgar Allen Poe was found walking the streets of Baltimore in a delirious state mumbling incoherently. A few days later while in the hospital he died with the cause of death never being disclosed. For generations Poe’s mysterious death has been the ever so delicious cherry on the morbid, depressing cake of Poe’s life. He was a man who was orphaned as a toddler after his mother died of tuberculosis and his father abandoned the family a year before. Poe later went on to marry the love of his life; Virginia, his 13-year-old cousin who also succumbed to tuberculosis, coughing up so much blood while singing and playing piano one day that Poe described it as a broken blood vessel in her throat. Although his love recovered, a few years later she died, sending Poe into a state of alcoholism and erratic behavior. He was a struggling writer who could barely afford to live and had to frequently beg and borrow from others.
This man whose soul weeped tragedy used his angst to churn out brooding timeless masterpieces with a focus on death and all other grisly subjects for elementary literature classes to teach about forever. A number of speculations surrounding Poe’s death have been brought up; rabies, influenza, suicide, tuberculosis, and cooping to name a few. James McTeigue’s The Raven attempts to give an interesting spin on the cause of Poe’s death and what happened in the days prior. Although the mystery of his death is still at large, the fact that he died after being in a daze and repeating a name is just a perfect ending to an already sadly tragic life. They don’t make ‘em like Poe anymore.
The Raven follows Poe (John Cusack) in his last few days, financially struggling to make ends meet for a glass of whisky, annoyed that his publisher’s aren’t printing or paying him for his editorials, poems, and stories, and trying to court his love Emily (Alive Eve) without the knowledge of her father. Oh yeah, and trying to deal with the fact that he’s so much more awesome than everyone else because he’s Edgar Allen Poe. However, when a brutal double murder followed by a string of other murders takes place and the killer’s M.O. is identical to the murders in Poe’s work, he’s called on by detective Emmett Fields (Luke Evans) to help stop the killer before his attacks endure. Quoth The Raven nevermore… it works if you over-pronounce “endure.”
Hey Raven, see what I did there?
A Toast
And that’s what leads to best thing about The Raven. The idea of this movie is fascinating; it’s original and does an interesting job of mixing fact and fiction and being an intriguing biographical film as well as a thriller. It’s no secret that Poe dies, but The Raven tells of a passionate serial killer, brutally murdering townspeople in exact accordance to scenes and excerpts in Poe’s poems and stories. While Poe isn’t a detective, the killer works in such a fanboy way that Poe, being an expert in human tragedy and slight insanity, is able to help cops get closer and closer to the killer. It’s like creating a story where Ernest Hemingway stops Mark David Chapman from killing John Lennon.
Beer Two
However, the story of The Raven never fully works. Cusack, who normally can melt my heart in any film just by having that awesome face and being John Cusack, just isn’t a good Poe. His portrayal of the artist is inconsistent at times and by the end of the film I wasn’t quite sure if I liked Poe or not, let alone cared about his death. At times he comes off cool, just a barely functional alcoholic who is quick witted and intelligent. Yet other times his portrayal of Poe is manically eccentric, as if Cusack graduated from theschool ofNicholas Cage acting, but that’s when he’s not being an arrogant asshole who likes the smell of his own farts. Poe seemed more like Sybil Dorsett than anything else. But it’s not just Poe; all the characters are just off. Their reactions to situations aren’t quite explained through their development and mostly everyone is just one-dimensional with barely any life and hardly any personality.
I taught John everything he knows for this role…. EVERYTHING.
Beer Three
I checked for the time more times in The Raven than I would if I were a watchmaker. Almost hitting the two hour mark, The Raven is slow and at times unbearably boring. As Poe keeps getting ever so close to catching the killer, the time just drags on and on and on. There’s nothing overly interesting about The Raven. It’s filmed in such dark tones and is mostly set at night with scarce lighting because of the time period. While the film’s lighting source is obviously more than the few lanterns featured in each scene, but it can be hard to tell. The look of much of the film is so dull and monotonous that it gets tiring looking at the drab screen, especially when the story is going slower than molasses. Thus the comforting glow of light becomes magnetizing, even if it is from a phone or iPod every ten minutes.
Beer Four
McTeigue’s direction is the most mediocre safe directing I’ve seen in a while. Although The Raven is a thriller, it doesn’t hold sense of urgency or tension of any sort. I never felt that any of the characters where truly in danger because aside from the overly dramatic music, nothing truly prompts suspense. During sequences in which a character is trapped in a coffin being buried alive, I never felt that claustrophobic anxious feeling that scenes like that usually tend to create. The characters’ reaction to their plight is subdued and dreamy and the camera’s angle gives the coffin a roomy, open feeling. At one point the camera even shows a full length, long shot of the character in the coffin. This choice of capturing the scene this way is cool aesthetically but it reveals the filming process and creates a gaping open feeling, never allowing us to feel danger for the character’s circumstance.
While the death scenes are gruesome and vivid they are also poorly shot and intercut with scenes of separate dialogue that doesn’t tie into the person’s death, jarring audiences from any feeling of panic or immersion.
“Wait, so this happened during a conversation? Who would edit like that?”
Beer Five
And maybe it was just me, but the reveal of the murderer was a bigger letdown than the entire film. I was more confused as to who this character was and when I saw him before than shocked. Also it’s never explained how he knew of Poe’s romance or how he quickly got back and forth to the site of the buried victim. His logic and reasoning was just ridiculous and frankly pathetic.
The Raven has potential but doesn’t apply itself. It’s that lazy kid you knew in school who was really smart but was just didn’t try and never did his work, so he failed. The Raven is a safe movie, if you want to shut your brain off and zone out to an old tale of a cat and mouse chase from a historical perspective then by all means see it. But if you expect more umph and excitement in your films, then The Raven isn’t for you. Now is a time where a story like Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter exists, in which Abraham Lincoln fights to stop the spread of Vampires who were obtaining slaves as a source of food rather than labor. You can’t expect a typical cat and mouse thriller to make an impact when stories like that are flying around. The Raven would have been better if it were a book. Oh wait…
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time fog inexplicably appears
Take a Drink: every time Detective Fields looks like he’s about to cry.
Take a Drink: every time someone unnecessarily yells at another person
Take a Drink: any time you ask yourself about John Cusack, “Is he playing Poe or Nic Cage?”
Do a Shot: every time you feel terrible for how people lived in the 1800s. Have you seen firefighting back then!?
Labyrinth (1986)
Labyrinth (1986) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (Two Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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I like to think of myself as a film aficionado. In fact, one of my earliest memories is being in a movie theater with my father and brother, standing in my seat while we watched 1991′s Body Parts. I’ve been injecting movies into my veins since then. Film is such an addiction that I’m $20,000 in debt for the rest of my life because I studied it in school. Nevertheless, despite the number of obscure indie films and outdated classics I’ve seen, there are still a slew of major films and cult classics that have somehow escaped my grasp.
People seem almost disgusted when I admit that I’ve never seen My Cousin Vinny, Jerry Maguire, or Blade Runner. That’s right, I played the PC game religiously but have never actually seen Blade Runner in its entirety. Even classic fantasy films that are staples of my generation’s childhood, like Legend, The Dark Crystal, and Labyrinth slipped away through the cracks. That is until I remembered that Netflix is a personal gift from the cinematic gods and hosts a ridiculous amount of missed gems that I can seek out. I’m currently on a quest to watch all of the films I feel I’ve been deprived of, starting with one I’ve heard of for years but never knew anything about.
Labyrinth follows the quest of Sarah (Jennifer Connelly) an angst-filled and slightly bitchy drama queen. And I don’t mean that facetiously; Sarah has such a passion for drama that the film opens to her reciting lines from a play called “Labyrinth.” Sarah lives with her head so far in the clouds that she likes to think of her benign stepmother as wicked and her baby stepbrother, Toby, as a plague on her house. After being reminded that she is to babysit for the night, Sarah’s teenage rage becomes too much to handle and she wishes that her infant brother were taken away by the goblins of her play. She is then visited by The Goblin King, Jareth, a ridiculously large crotched David Bowie. In order to get her brother back, Sarah has 13 hours to navigate through a magical and tricky maze to Jareth’s castle, a task never before completed. Sarah must overcome her stubborn ways and come of age in an Alice in Wonderland-ish type world
A Toast
Directed by the talented puppet master himself, Jim Henson, Labyrinth shows just what a visionary genius Henson actually was. Made in 1986, Labyrinth stands the test of time as an amazingly beautiful piece of art. Many of my friends warned me in advance of its datedness, however, I was more shocked and awed at just how revolutionary the special effects in Labyrinth were and still are. Henson and his crew didn’t have the luxury of using heavy computer generated images so instead they relied on painstaking puppetry and craft work, elaborate set design, and good old fashioned camera trickery.
One of these things is not like the other… but I’m not quite sure which.
In one scene Jareth threatens Sarah by throwing a snake at her face. The real life snake in his hands hits her throat, coiling around it, but instantly becomes a scarf that she throws to the ground. The moment the scarf hits the ground a goblin of Jareth’s appears from underneath and laughs at her. The scene cuts to show her scared reaction just as a number of goblins appear behind her in the nooks and crannies of her room. They also laugh at her, but quickly return to their hiding spots once she turns around. The scene is creepy, funny, and pretty damn cool.
When I wasn’t oohing and ahing at how impressive the camera trickery and puppeteering is, my mind was further being blown by the set design. Places like the labyrinth, rooms within buildings, and even forests are complex and intricate. At one point in the film Sarah is confronted by Jareth in a staircase room inspired by MC Escher’s “Relativity.” I’m still not quite sure if the entire room was really built with the myriad staircases or if only some were constructed and a painted background helped create the effect. Either way the use of wires or maybe just that crafty camera trickery is used to allow the actors to walk up a flight of stairs that has no base or origin nor rule of gravity. As a character walks up one way, they end up going another, further blowing my effing mind as to how intense the editing and physical manifestation of the scene must have been.
“The power of my crotch made this all possible.”
Beer Two
While Labyrinth holds its ground and continues to be impressive twenty plus years after its creation, it reminds you that it’s an outdated 80s film at times, due largely in part to its corny musical numbers led mostly by Bowie. I have no qualms with Bowie and the handful of songs I know by him, but I’ve never understood his appeal. To me he has the voice of a tone deaf drunk dad at karaoke and his musical numbers in Labyrinth couldn’t be more tone deaf and karaoke-like. The music in the movie is frankly awful, complete with cheesy 80s synths, off kilter drum beats, and ridiculous lyrics. “Dance Magic Dance” may be one of the worst songs I’ve heard and I’ve listened to William Hung’s version of “She Bangs.”
More like ‘Stop, Bowie, Stop!’
At the time of its release Labyrinth tanked. With a budget of $25 million it only made $13 million, apparently destroying Henson’s ego and will to direct another film. Critic Gene Siskel said at the time Labyrinth was a “pathetic story” and had a “visually ugly style.” How these words could be used to describe Labyrinth baffles me. It may be the most ingenious and creative film I’ve ever seen. Visually it’s just astounding and the characters and the artistic design of it all are concepts and images that I’ve never seen before. My own dreams aren’t even that imaginative! There’s also a smart and witty humor within Labyrinth that kept me laughing out loud.
Labyrinth is a story which Jim Henson, Terry Jones, and a writer for Fraggle Rock all had their hands in creating and if you appreciate any of those aspects then Labyrinth is sure to impress even if you haven’t seen it since childhood.
“We’re just as impressed with this movie as The Cinephiliac was.”
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you see Jareth’s bulging junk.
Take a Drink: for every puppet you try to “figure out.”
Take a Drink: every time you laugh at childish things, like the lake that farts.
Do a Shot: every time a musical number makes you cringe.
Paris is Burning (1990)
Paris Is Burning (1990) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (A Toast) -
Be the 1st to BEERate this movie!
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For the past few days I’ve had a problem— I can’t seem to stop voguing. When a song comes on or I’m zoned out and walking around my house, I’ll come to and realize my arms are in the air in a symmetrical pattern or wrapped oddly around my face with my lips puckered as it has become almost impulse to simply strike a pose and vogue. I blame the Jennie Livingston documentary Paris is Burning for that. Focusing on drag culture and the drag balls of 1987 in New York, Paris is Burning stuck with me, hard.
After watching it I had almost the same feeling I had when I first watched Harmony Korine’s Gummo, which caused an uneasy feeling with a compelling desire to know every detail of the film’s production and to understand how something could make me feel so uncomfortable. However, the difference in this case was that I wanted to know every detail of the production of Paris is Burning in order to understand how Livingston made me care so much about the different people featured throughout the film, most of whom are only minor characters featured for a fraction of the time as the major characters. The revelation of some of the featured interviewees’ fate in the film’s epilogue left me shocked and near tears as if I actually knew them after this 78 minute film.
A Toast
Paris is Burning is perhaps one of the “realest” documentaries I’ve ever seen. With its focus on the GLBT subgroup, Paris is Burning documents major players and activities within the ball scene, a scene considered to be the Oscars of the GLBT community at the time. Livingston also creates a fascinating time capsule of late 1980s New York. Shot on 16mm film, many of scenes feature Livingston capturing the hustle and bustle on the streets of New York in 1987, when women showed their importance through shoulder pads in the dresses, when spandex was a must, and costume jewelry was a normal part of fashion. The influence of the world’s biggest show at the time, Dynasty, is not only discussed in the film but shown in its society’s fashion and attitude.
“We’re to be taken seriously dammit! Just look at these shoulders.”
The subjects of the documentary seem comfortable and familiar with Livingston’s presence, so much so that they don’t even seem to notice the camera most of the time. Even when they do acknowledge its presence, they seem to be nothing more than themselves. In scenes featuring prominent drag queen and legend of the balls scene, Dorian Corey, he sits talking comfortably to the Livingston about the politics of the ball culture and the changes he as an older member of the community has witnessed. While discussing highly intriguing critiques on society, he talks slowly and openly, at times not even addressing the camera or Livingston due to being preoccupied with meticulously putting on his makeup in the mirror. Scenes of Corey and other patrons being interviewed play out naturally as if these people were bearing their thoughts and souls to no one else but a good friend. They reveal heartbreaking stories, crack jokes with one another, and at the ball they participate wildly as if no one was around them but their peers.
This comfort may have been due to Livingston’s simplistic way of recording. The lighting in most scenes is natural and the camera seems to be small enough to be inconspicuous. Paris is Burning effortlessly cuts back and forth between interviews with various ball contestants and extensive footage of the antics at the ball. Viewers are exposed to the high energy competitions where guests come dressed in their absolute best, despite the fact that most can’t afford their garments, just to act out their fantasy of being able to strut down a catwalk. Others, however, use the ball as a means to settle the score with rivals on the floor through voguing. Interviews reveal the origins and usage of vouging as well as explain a slew of other terms and jargon used at the time by the GLBT community.
No form of dancing has been cooler, well, except maybe The Macarena.
I not only got a semi history lesson of 1980s GLBT culture from Paris is Burning but I was also inspired and highly entertained by the seemingly magical world of the ball. The subjects of Paris is Burning believed in expressing and being oneself to the fullest no matter how superficial their desires may have been and still may be. The film shows a time where minorities were marginalized as social outcasts because of their sexual orientation, while the majority of the country was able to achieve all the glory and social acceptance that their skin and class could get them. Yet the minorities within the ball culture refused to stay hidden and used the balls to live out their fantasies and dreams, all while being accepted in their community through awards and their legendary statuses. Even if the glory only lasted for a short while it was enough to make their whole lives worth the struggle.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every category in the ball
Take a Drink: for every mention of Dynasty
Take a Drink: when you laugh at the campiness of the 80s.
Do a Shot: every time you feel the urge to vogue
Project X (2012)
By: The Cinephiliac (Three Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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Remember Corey Worthington? If not, in 2008 while his parents were out of town Worthington, then 16 years old, threw a massive party in his parents’ home in Melbourne, Australia. A reported 500 guests showed up and nearly started a riot when cops were called. According to news reports, the party goers began to throw stones and bottles at cop cars and terrorized the neighborhood by urinating in yards, damaging property, and being an overall nuisance. An air team, dog squad, and back up were called resulting in a $20,000 fine toWorthingtonfrom the police. After the party Worthington was interviewed by an Australian news show to which he showed the world how much he basked in his own douchebaggery. Decked out in beach blonde hair, an Ed Hardy-type hat, neon yellow sunglasses, and a fur jacket opened just enough to show off his bare chest and nipple ring, Worthington dodged blame for the party’s antics and refused to take off his glasses during the interview because they were “famous.”
If you’re pro-life watch his interview and see if that doesn’t change your mind.
Dubbed by the media as an epic partier and “this generation’s Ferris Bueller,” Worthingtonwent on to become a cult icon. Busted Tees printed a shirt in his honor, VH1’s television series Best Week Ever declared him the winner, radio hosts Opie and Anthony lauded over him andWorthington soon got an agent and rolled around in boobs, money and fame despite causing such damage and having blatant disregard for his neighbors and parents.Worthington showed just how big of an ego a douchebag can have and who can blame him? His deeds made him a legend and now he has a film inspired by his antics to further promote that legend.
It’s Thomas Kub’s 17th birthday and his parents are leaving him with the house to his self for the weekend. His best friend Costa (Oliver Cooper) decides to enlist the help of “AV geek” Dax (Dax Flame) to record the making of “Project X” which is the epic party Costa wants to throw with Thomas. Yep, that’s right, it’s another found footage movie. We follow Thomas (Thomas Manning), Costa, and their friend JB (Jonathan Daniel Brown) throughout their day as they attempt to recruit hot girls and cool kids to their party as well as getting a hold of drugs and alcohol. Unsure of the idea at first, Thomas agrees to only have 50 people max at his party, however as word of mouth gets around and Costa reveals that he’s made announcements via the radio and Craigslist, Thomas’s birthday turns from a few people to hundreds who create mass chaos in a beautifully epic party. It’s the kind of party that patrons would tell their grandkids about if the haze of drugs and alcohol that night didn’t destroy that memory first.
But seriously, someone find me a party like this. It’s not a party until cops retreat in fear.
A Toast
Project X is impressively entertaining and has hilarious moments that caused the entire theater to breakout in laughter. Also Nima Nourizadeh’s directing makes the movie far less annoying than other found footage films in the past few years have been. The point of view filming allows viewers to get a well-rounded insight to the boy’s individual personalities and their sense of humor. Costa is the closest to be the film’s Worthington, a loud-mouthed, brash, and extremely vulgar youth who at the drop of a hat can be a charming, upstanding citizen, like any good sociopath knows how to do. However, screenwriter’s Michael Bacall and Matt Drake seem to be aware that following a jerk for an entire movie gets old so they ingeniously give characters Thomas and JB most of the heart and congeniality.
Thomas is an extremely likable character that’s given enough development that by the end of the film despite what the party has done and how he reacted to certain situations, you still can’t help but like him. He’s a logical and smart kid whose only faults seem to be being a 17-year-old boy with sex and social acceptance on the brain. UnlikeWorthington, Thomas and Costa deliver a sense of level-headedness and redeeming qualities as shown in one scene after the three boys take ecstasy. Lying in grass together exhausted with their eyes closed and sweat pouring down their faces, Costa reassures JB and Thomas that he loves them and appreciates their friendship even apologizing in his own humorous way for having the personality of a perfectly round and puckered asshole. As much as you may want to, you can’t hate a person who apologizes for their own flaws too much.
I hate how much I liked these kids.
Beer Two
It’s found footage. This trend is probably more annoying than the trend of 3D in my opinion because it’s the same old formula over and over. If I wanted to see someone talk to the camera, I’ll watch anything on youtube; that’s what I have the internet for. When I pay money to watch a film, I want a film, not some cheap amateur-looking bits of shaky footage put together to look real and authentic but still ending with credits for a director and actors.
Beer Three
My biggest gripe with Project X is that it celebrates what I like to call the “Asshole Generation.” I have long felt that the 2000s is the era of the “douchebag,” a generation that enjoys degeneracy and praises others for doing things that are socially immoral or just plain rude. Show’s like HBO’s Eastbound and Down and even CBS’ How I Met Your Mother embrace lovable jerks through the manipulative and selfish Kenny Powers and Barney Stinson respectively. Books like Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell and Maddox’s The ABCs of Manliness are New York Times Best Sellers that promote misogyny, arrogance, and screwing over your fellow neighbor. Even Kayne West promotes egocentrism in his song Runaway, encouraging listeners to have a toast for the “douchebags,” “jerkoffs,” and “scumbags.”
Kenny Powers will do drugs and go to your kid’s school dance, call you a racial slur, then steal your credit card to buy illegal porn. But he’s still so damn likable!
For some reason in the past ten or so years it has become socially acceptable to be a miserable excuse of a human being who only looks out for themselves and to not care for the others we share a planet with. It’s become glorified to not give a shit about anyone but ourselves and this film praises that notion by making it look even more glamorous to the biggest self-centered a-holes alive, teenagers. By the end of the film, no one truly feels sorry for what they’ve done only for being caught. No one feels bad for a terrorizing and threatening the lives of neighbors, destroying property, and vandalizing.
Instead women are praised for being promiscuous and naked in front of hundreds of people, it’s meant to be funny when a group of kids repeatedly blow smoke in the face of a dog, and a group of guys laugh hysterically as they shove a little person into an oven, leaving him there while they party. In one scene a 12-year-old character tells others that he going to burn down a neighbor’s home with the neighbor’s infant child in it. The reasoning: because the neighbor called the cops after asking the boys to stop the party because it was getting too wild and his baby and wife needed to sleep. When the kid makes the threat it’s meant to funny; theater patrons and myself included all laughed, yet I immediately got chills at my reaction.
Despite the glorification of jerkoffness and delinquent behavior, I really enjoyed Project X. It’s a well-made and impressively directed story that caused me to burst out laughing multiple times. It’s engaging and the characters are pretty easy to like despite their actions, furthermore scenes of the three boys together pulling pranks on each other and just being boys is also endearing to watch.
Costa at one point tells Thomas that there’s going to be so much action in his pool from the naked girls swimming that his pool cleaner will tell him they found a bit of water in his semen. Project X is vulgar, yes, even appalling; at times it’s like watching Larry Clarke’s 1995 Kids mixed with the fast paced music fueled editing of an MTV music video. But hey, it’s 2012 and it’s a rated R film about teenagers. What more can you expect?
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every pair of boobs you see
Take a Drink: for every pair of testicles that gets punched by a little person
Take a Drink: every time the dog is subjected to party antics
Drink a Shot Indie Music Lovers: for every song you recognize
Chronicle (2012)
Chronicle (2012) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (Four Beers) –
BEERate this movie!
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Lately audiences have been craving realism in their art. This desire can be seen in the rise of attendance for Superhero films which have become increasingly dark and dramatic in the past few years. Superhero films are no longer glamorous and flamboyant, instead they are serious and focus on the dark nature of being a Superhero. Realism in Fantasy has even seeped over into television series as shows centered around humans with extraordinary powers focus mostly on how the characters adapt to having power and responsibility as well as what paths they choose. NBC’s potential hit Heroes took the corporate secret agent route while the BBC took the humorously fanciful route with their brilliantly written show Misfits. These shows are among the many that have depicted the answer to the question “what happens if normal people gain super human abilites?”
Director Josh Trank and writer Max Landis take a fresh and interesting take on that answer in Chronicle, a story of three high school students who after searching around in an abandoned cave discover they have unbelievable super powers. The story unfolds all thanks to Andrew, (Dane DeHaan) a lonely outcast who decides to start filming his everyday life partly as a witness to the abuses he undergoes on a daily basis from his alcoholic, out of work father and his taunting, brutal peers at school, but mostly Andrew records for the comfort of shielding himself from his surroundings.
Upon being pushed by his cousin Matt (Alex Russell) and school mate Stephen (Michael B. Jordan) to record a sound coming from underground the boys venture inside toward the supersonic sound wave, their return resulting in them gaining the ability to move and manipulate objects with their minds. As the filming continues, audiences witness not only the boys’ growing strength but also the differing dynamics and desires of each one and how their powers affect them individually.
Just remember there is no spoon.
A Toast
Despite having the same elements as previous films before it, Chronicle is refreshingly new and original. Many will initially compare it to Cloverfield or a slew of other films adapting the common motif of found footage first-person narrative. However, unlike its contemporaries Chronicle does a great job of telling an extensive story from first person POV through detailed and convenient plot turns that attempt to clarify major elements of its narrative. The film opens with Andrew deciding to start taping his life in order to partly expose his father’s abusive alcoholism but perhaps mostly as a constant reminder that his life blows. The images are gritty, shaky and almost sickening from the rough movement, however, after his camera is lost underground Andrew continues to shoot on a new more compact digital camera that results in more flattering shots of warm lighting, smoother motion, and more precise edits.
For a while the film is interesting and engaging as the boys began to learn more about the range of their abilities and the limits they must place on it as well as still going through everyday life and confronting the problems that they present. Chronicle delivers a slew of impressive shots, unpredictable moments, and shocking plot advances that make for a great ride.
Beer Two
Yet about halfway into the film, the story begins to snowball into an inconsistent shallow mess. While Landis’ screenplays exhibits his strengths in writing, creating genuine moments of the boys involved in humorous douchebaggery, it also lays out his weaknesses when it comes to overall development as much of Chronicle plays out like a student film. Conversations are at times forced and stale in order to get back-story and Andrew’s “woe is me” life fails to promote sympathy because he’s such an unlikable, whiny character. The actors try really hard and viewers can tell, but it’s what comes out of their mouths that unconvincing and cheesy.
“Hey that prank was hilarious. By the way, Andrew, is your dad still beating you every day?”
Chronicle’s inconsistencies become distracting especially if you’re a stickler like myself who notices edits. I respect Trank’s attempt to roundly explain how certain scenes are shot from different angles or have moving fluid tracking shots as Andrew’s obsession with the camera allows him to start controlling it without hands, however too many scenes involve shots from various cameras or varying angles that are not explained or even necessary. The continuity errors could have been prevented had the film just dropped the “found footage” angle and shot it as an old school third person narrative.
Beer Three
If I were still in college taking a “Theory and Criticism” class, and had free range to write about social commentary in film I’d most definitely choose Chronicle for its seemingly strong comments on this generation’s dependence on technology for an easy A. In fact, most of Chronicle feels like it was a film student’s thesis— a good thesis but amateur overall. Cameras are such an important part of the film that it feels forced. Chronicle almost gracefully integrates Andrew’s obsession with feeling acceptance from his camera’s presence and the way the film is shot. Decisions like showing Andrew’s ability to control the camera free of hands works for the film, but repeatedly showing shots of him laying in bed or sitting in solitude with the camera focused on him adds nothing to the film but shallow moments.
We get it, you like to sit alone and tape yourself doing nothing. Can we get to an explanation of what happened to you now?
Beer Four
In one scene, Matt tells Andrew that his problem will be his own hubris. Andrew asks him what that is, to which Matt mocks him, thinking Andrew is being sarcastic. The scene transitions to an unrelated scene before the answer is revealed. Ironically Chronicle’s biggest problem is its own hubris. For anyone who doesn’t remember high school English, hubris in literature is the downfall of a character due to their own arrogance. The film quickly shifts from an engaging story of three high school kids dealing with having extraordinary powers to your average battle between good and evil with no redemption or catharsis at the end. The film starts to focus too much on the bigger picture. (The film’s climax resulting in the last half of the film being an over the top mess.)
The famed literary character Oedipus Rex realizes his own hubris has caused him to kill his father and sleep with his mother. In the climax of the story Oedipus gouges his own eyes after discovering his deeds. This type of cathartic revelation isn’t had for the characters in Chronicle. The characters aren’t given the chance to redeem themselves or even learn from their own mistakes, making most of film’s story pointless.
In author Kurt Vonnegut’s novel Breakfast of Champions, a painter is hated in town because his painting, (which they all describe as one that could have been done by a 5-year-old) was bought for thousands of dollars by the city. Vonnegut allows the artist to defend himself by retorting to his fellow haters that before his painting no one had done it, now that his painting exists he encourages all 5-year olds to do a better version. That’s the same feeling I got from Chronicle. While its overall execution is weak and it could have been a much better film, it’s an original and is done like nothing before it. It is not a film I’d watch over again if it were up to me, but despite being disappointed by my own expectations I still enjoyed the overall experience and can only hope for much better development in stories like it.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time Andrew’s dad shouts.
Take a Drink: every time someone picks on, hits, or yells at Andrew.
Drink a Shot: every time someone questions why Andrew has a camera.
Underworld Awakening (2012)
Underworld Awakening (2012) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (Four Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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If you’re like me, then you are completely sick and tired of the seemingly everlasting Vampire/Werewolf trend in popular culture that has resurged through the popularity of the novels and film franchise Twilight. Lately the very thought of more Vampire and/or Werewolf films and shows makes my most recent meal flow from my stomach back into my mouth. After such relentless exposure of the ancient folklores you’d think that any self respecting person would resist the urge to further feed the machine. Shame on you for thinking such nonsense when there’s money to be made and the fourth installment of the Underworld franchise reminds audiences of that very sentiment.
The Devil Inside (2012)
The Devil Inside (2012) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (Three Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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While waiting in line to buy my ticket for The Devil Inside, I heard a conversation behind me between two girls in which one was explaining to the other how their film of choice was supposed to suck and was terrible according to all the reviews. I immediately turned to ask what film they were discussing and was less than surprised when they confirmed my suspicion that it indeed was the film I was about to spend hard-earned money on.
I sighed and cursed loudly at my disappointment of having to sit through a crappy film when I have yet to see The Muppets or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. However, when The Devil Inside ended and an uproar of anger among the audience happened, I felt a strange sense of confusion about why I enjoyed it so much and why everyone else saw no redeeming qualities in it.
Earning a mere 7% on Rotten Tomatoes and being universally panned by critics and audiences members alike, I realize that this review may enrage those who saw and disliked The Devil Inside but alas I will attempt to explain why I not only enjoyed it but was actually impressed as well. The Devil Inside follows Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade), a twenty something partaking in a documentary to capture her travel to Rome, Italy to visit to her mother Marisa in a mental institution for the criminally insane.
In 1989, Marisa ( Suzan Crowley) brutally murdered two priests and a nun while they performed an exorcism on her. Isabella is told of the events a few months prior to filming, thus deciding to document her desire to discover whether her mother is truly insane or possessed. With the help of her cameraman Mike (Ionut Grama) and two priests, Fathers Ben (Simon Quaterman) and David (Evan Helmuth), Isabella and the group attempt to free Marisa and other victims of the dangerous and terrifying presence that seem to control them.
A Toast
The Devil Inside is a docudrama, not a documentary, not a story based on facts, or even some hidden story needing exposure. It’s just your average fictional horror film, yet director William Brent Bell and his writing partner Matthew Peterman do a an impressive job of trying to convince you otherwise, even going as far as to prompting viewers to “learn more” through a website promoted during the credits. After the film I overheard the following conversation:
Man: Are you going to go to that site?
Woman: Hell no, I’m not going to that crap, it’s fake for the movie.
Man: No, it’s not. It’s based on real stuff… that actually happened.
There are no captions within the film that tell you the events are real. It just looks real, at times too real, making the film’s aesthetics its most impressive element. The entire movie is made to look like an edited and decently produced documentary. It features the characters all talking in first person to the camera about their experiences and reasons of interest in exorcism. Scholars are interviewed on the subject and real pictures and videos of the actors are edited together with movie images to create a realistic history and atmosphere between characters.
The filming process is made visible to audiences and often becomes the focus of many scenes. Isabella at one point enters a car and is filmed asking the cameraman about where each of her cameras are and which one she is supposed to talk to. Also throughout the film anger is directed at Mike for his passiveness behind the camera and desire to capture the action instead of helping the subjects. Raising awareness of the filming process isn’t a new concept, but it’s a respectable technique that engages audience enough to provoke a scream or jump at the actions of characters and the shocking behaviors of the possessed.
“You’re going to like this movie, whether I have to force you or not!”
Beer Two
Its major problem, however, is that it takes itself too seriously as it seems to actually forget that it’s merely a fictional film and not a real documentary. The film ends rather abruptly causing many moviegoers to loudly and collectively discuss their anger for feeling neglected. One member shouted “Well, that sucked” and others agreed with laughter. During mass murmurs of disappointment, another audience member commented that she likes for her movies to end happily. I looked back and responded by saying sometimes ambiguous endings are what make a film good. She proceeded to tell me to me to eat shit by rolling her eyes.
Many will despise The Devil Inside for its lack of answers in the ending or lack thereof and that anger is more than justified. Multiple questions are brought up and new character developments arise throughout the film, however, little to no answers are delivered by its end. It’s a smug and arrogant choice to not give the audience an ending to a story or solution to a problem. It would be like watching The Sixth Sense and never knowing that Bruce Willis was dead or watching The Usual Suspects and never knowing who Keyser Soze is. It would even be like reading If You Give a Mouse a Cookie and never knowing what happened after he got that glass of milk.
Ok he’s got the cookie and milk but now what?? Tell me!!!
Yet the film nerd in me that has seen enough paper thin endings that happen just for the sake of a conclusion actually enjoyed being left with such a dismal ending. Instead of being giving some crappy setup to a sequel or a last minute scare The Devil Inside ends in a way that only makes sense in the situation that it set up.
Beer Three
While it’s an overall intriguing and engaging film, Bell obviously spent more time trying to raise a reaction from his audience instead of perfect the film. The acting leaves much to be desired as the main two actors, Andrade and Quaterman, deliver slightly stale and bland performances. Bell also depends too much on the camera to lead the film, clearly not learning from complaints delivered at films such as Cloverfield for its shaky distracting effect.
“Just stand here and look blank? Ok gotcha.”
The Devil Inside isn’t a perfect horror film but it does a great job of creating a thick air of tension and leaving viewer uncomfortable and disturbed by the time the credits roll. While I despise the recent trend in films to further promote through viral marketing and contrived websites, I forgive The Devil Inside only because the journey to get to the end, no matter how inconclusive it was, made for a pretty intense ride and the commentary of religious duality and religious conservatism was engaging. Obviously influenced by its predecessors The Blair Witch Project, Rec, and the Paranormal Activities movies, The Devil Inside’s biggest flaw is the fact that it came too late after a trend of paranormal docudramas, although I don’t recommend completely writing it off because of that.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time someone doubts demon possession
Take a Drink: every time a demon sexually harasses a priest
Take a Drink: every time you see a camera
Drink a Shot: for every time an audience member laughs out of fear
The Darkest Hour (2011)
The Darkest Hour (2011) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (Five Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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I won’t lie, when I first saw the trailer for The Darkest Hour I was intrigued, excited even. I thought, “hey this looks like a genuinely interesting and fresh take on alien films and Emile Hirsch is in it so it can’t be that bad.” Despite the numerous sideways glances and scoffs I received from my peers, my enthusiasm never waned.
I was positive that if this film was set for a Christmas Day release then surely studios were confident in The Darkest Hour’s ability to draw viewers. What I didn’t think of was the fact that maybe, just maybe, The Darkest Hour was so bad that studios gave it a major holiday release because that was the only way to ensure that curious patrons with nothing else to do on Christmas day would see it. Shame on me for being such a sucker and trusting studios as much as I did.
“Seriously guys, WHY????!”
In this crappy attempt at an alien attack film, two young entrepreneurs Sean (Emile Hirsch) and Ben (Max Minghella) venture to Moscow to pitch their new website/social media idea to a major company; however, upon their arrival they discover that Swedish businessman Sklar (John Kinnaman) has taken their idea and is now presenting it as his own. Because of the lack of regulations against stealing ideas in Russia, Sean and Ben are now out of hope and a business which results in them spending the night drinking their sorrows away in a Moscow bar where they meet American traveler Natalie (Olivia Thirlby) and her friend Anne (Rachael Taylor). The foursome embark in a night of drinking, forced banter, lame jokes and lamer wisecracks until a power outage in the city reveals that luminous objects falling from the sky are actually deadly alien beings that turn its victims into dust upon contact. Desperate for survival the small group of relative strangers must find a way out of Moscow and back to their homes without being turned into dust.
Like Russia isn’t filled with dust already, AMIRITE? Sorry Russia.
A Toast
In the way that a preschool teacher or parent of a toddler admires a child’s feeble attempts at a daring task such as hula hooping or juggling is the same way I admired The Darkest Hour for its attempt to be different. The aliens featured in the film are invisible to the human eye, only making their presence visible to the characters due to the electrical reaction that takes place when they are near. The aliens feed off electromagnetic waves from humans and from within the Earth, even creating mining towers to feed off copper and other Earthly minerals. Gold digging aliens is an interesting premise that I gotta admit at least deserves kudos for its distinctiveness.
Beer Two
Despite its attempts to be a “smart” and “different” alien attack film, The Darkest Hour is probably one of the most trite and predictable alien attack films I’ve ever seen. There’s no air of mystery in The Darkest Hour and nearly every death or major event is grossly foreshadowed through tight close ups on objects or annoyingly explicit repetitive cuts to the person who is soon about to meet their death. Assholes die because of their arrogance, characters die because of their weakness and lack of trust, and the main dude saves the day like every other movie you’ve ever seen in your entire life.
Beer Three
A good ways into the film I decided to send out individual texts to my friends and loved ones to wish them a Merry Christmas and make plans for the night. However, halfway into wishing an old friend a Merry Christmas my eyes caught sight of the time and I was sorely disappointed to discover that I had a good 45 minutes left to watch of the film. The Darkest Hour is simply boring. Perhaps that comes with its stunning ability to be so predictable or perhaps because the writing is so bland and dry or maybe even because the acting is pretty hellish in its own right—screw it, it’s all three.
Beer Four
In being an alien attack/dystopia film, The Darkest Hour is inevitably compared to its contemporaries such as Independence Day, Mars Attack, Cloverfield, and Attack the Block. The Darkest Hour isn’t even a blip on the radar when compared to these films. The CGI of The Darkest Hour is not only less than impressive but it’s almost amateur at times and reminded me of the cheap computer graphics featured throughout Adult Swim’s television show Tim and Eric. Furthermore, unlike its contemporaries there are barely any likable characters in The Darkest Hour; everyone is so underdeveloped that the only reason a viewer may find themselves rooting for their safety is because that’s the character the camera is focused on.
Way creepier than the aliens featured in The Darkest Hour.
Beer Five
Really… you expect me to believe that four characters are stuck in a supply room for over four days and when they emerge they look just as good as they did when they entered!? Anne and Natalie somehow keep their makeup and hair immaculate in spite of the fact that they are in constant fear and are being chased nearly every minute of the day while also sleeping on floors and not showering. Come on Chris Gorak, how stupid do you think I am? Stupid enough to buy a ticket?… well yeah you’re right about that.
The Darkest Hour is just bad, even more so because such a talent like Emile Hirsch was wasted on such a simple and underwhelming film. It’s one of those films that should only be watched if you have an abundant amount of channels through satellite or cable and after endless hours of channel surfing you see it on and decide against reading a book. Otherwise your life will be better spent taking a walk outside, cleaning your room, or reading the ingredients on a bottle of shampoo.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: every time you question why the characters don’t just use glass to protect themselves
Take a Drink: every time a Russian accent makes you laugh
Take a Drink: every time something supposed to be funny is said and you don’t laugh
Take a Drink: every time you wonder about the roaming pets in the film.
New Year’s Eve (2011)
New Year's Eve (2011) DVD / Blu-ray
By: The Cinephiliac (Beer Six) -
BEERate this movie!
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Every so often a film is released that makes me throw in the towel and give up hope that Hollywood can produce a genuinely good film these days, as it seems that they continuously feed audiences spoonfuls of regurgitated feces on a silver platter. More so my rage continues to build when I remember that it’s the audience members who flock to theaters and happily open their mouths and accept the crap prepared and fed to them. There’s plenty of films that just aren’t good but there’s only a few that should be drawn and quartered for its own self-indulgence and simplicity; you know, films that are made strictly to rake in cash as opposed to telling a good story or being entertaining. New Year’s Eve is the definition of those types of films.
For anyone who’s seen Garry Marshall’s previous train wreck, Valentine’s Day, or any romantic comedy or holiday-themed film, then the plot of New Years Eve will be more than familiar and trite. It’s the day of magic, New Years Eve, and audiences are meant to follow and care for roughly 20 or so New Yorkers during the last few hours of 2011 into 2012 and their attempts to end the night on a high. Parties are to be attended, babies are to be born, boys are to be kissed, serendipity is meant to take place, amends are to be made, and balls need to be dropped among a slew of other worthless and contrived plot devices.
A Toast
New Years Eve is a perfect example of manufactured studio bullshit. While that’s not enough to praise the film over, it’s definitely an art form in itself to create something so fake and plastic and yet mask it as if it had a heart. The production of the film is wonderfully elaborate, however, with the sets being on location in the streets of New York. Scenes depicting downtown New York on New Year’s Eve are remarkably authentic with hundreds of extras decked out in 2012 glasses and party hats and emitting pure joy from their faces. Mayor Bloomberg even appears in a scene adding to the enormous scale of work put into making the events of the film look genuine. The costume design is also equally impressive as fashion is a major staple within the film.
Beer Two
That being said the first of many of New Years Eve’s problem is the cast. Katherine Heigl’s character, Laura, replies to an excited character’s comment of seeing a celebrity with “there’s going to be more celebrities here than in rehab.” I’ll do you one better, New Years Eve has more celebrities than an African benefit concert. It’s almost disgusting just how smug this film is made so by packing as much star power in it as possible. I can’t even begin to name the ridiculous cast, but allow your mouse to navigate you over to IMDB if curiosity gets the best of you. Some actors’ appearances in the film makes sense when reviewing their filmography and realizing they will do anything for a paycheck, but the likes of certain actors, such as Matthew Broderick and Michelle Pfeiffer, had me scratching my head vigorously throughout the film.
Really guys? Was this a favor to the director or have you all done enough films that shame has no bounds?
Beer Three
When I wasn’t holding back waves of nausea from each moment of “Where’s Waldo with Celebrities”, I was hurting my brain from rolling my eyes so hard at the film’s flimsy and awful script. The entire movie plays out as if it was written by a film school freshman whose only reference for screenwriting is past romantic comedies set in a big city or perhaps only New York. Characters are so one-dimensional that I was sure they’d disappear. There’s no deep connection with any character and the only reason the viewer may experience any sense of emotion or empathy is because the music cues tells you to or a speech or emotional scene reminds you that you’re supposed to be feeling something.
Beer Four
New Years Eve is surprisingly and unbelievably stereotypical in its portrayal of minorities. Sophia Vergara’s character is a badly constructed means of comic relief as her character strongly enforces the stereotype of the hyper-sexual, airhead Latina. When she’s not being a ridiculous over the top pawn, Russell Peters guest stars as the stereotypical thick accented Indian and her goofy sidekick. When taking into account it’s the minor racially diverse characters that are portrayed as airhead co-workers of the much more fabulous and successful white counterparts, the film makes you embarrassed that we’re going into 2012 with these same screen portrayals.
Beer Five
In its attempt to be an all around perfect holiday film New Years Eve features an unnecessary amount of musical moments to the point where I debated if I was watching a musical or not. I should have expected this, however, due to cast members Lea Michele of Glee fame and Jon Bon Jovi, but it’s still surprisingly corny when the two break out in song specifically during a scene where Michele’s character, Elise, is prompted to show off her chops while being stuck in an elevator. The scene proceeds with a sound tracked song led by Bon Jovi while the scene cuts back and forth between his performance at a banquet and her backing vocals as she looks longingly away from her partner in an elevator to belt out a sappy forgettable song.
Living on a prayer that this movie and your singing will stop. You give music a bad name.
Beer Six
The attempt to mildly impress audiences with shocks and plot turns is cute but pointless because of its predictability. Of course, with 20+ characters focused on in the film, their lives are obviously intertwined and viewers discover who’s related, who’s dating, and who are meant to show serendipity. Even if you don’t guess whose connections work, once you discover them you just don’t care because it’s so blandly contrived.
New Years Eve is one of the most shamelessly bad movies I’ve seen in a long time and sitting through it was torture that made me pray for forgiveness to the gods for whatever sin I’ve committed that put me in the theater seat to witness such a travesty. It’s in no way entertaining, unique or meaningful. New Years Eve reminded me of times in high school when I studied ten minutes before an essay test and spent the hour of working “winging it” and name-dropping in order to sound more knowledgeable than I was. The saddest part of all was that Zac Efron’s face, which is usually a redeeming quality for any crap film *coughCharlieStCloudcouch,* wasn’t enough to save such a mockery.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every actor you see whose career you were sure was dead and buried.
Take a Drink: every time you pay more attention to an actress’s breasts than her performance.
Take a Drink: every time a segment involving characters you forgot about appears on screen.
Take a Shot: every time you audibly sigh at how bad the film really is.
