Author Archives: Marielle Pawson
Traditionally aired around Christmas (even though most of it is not strictly centred on the holiday), It’s a Wonderful Life is a classic black-and-white film directed by Frank Capra in 1946. If you’re like me and haven’t had it playing in the background of your house at Christmas twenty times, the basic premise is that space angels in the form of celestial bodies are viewing high- and low-lights of a small town man’s life because he wants to kill himself on Christmas Eve, and one of the space angels can earn his wings if he stops him. Basically. James ‘Jimmy’ Stewart stars as that desperate man, George Bailey, and Donna Reed plays his hot wife.
By Marielle –
The Bourne Legacy -
I understand it’s easier and more profitable to continue an already established franchise, but it’s unfortunate that Jeremy Renner is just taking over for Matt Damon who probably didn’t see a need for a fourth installment. Renner deserves his own cool, original action series. But, maybe not Hawkeye*.
“Watch me shoot arrows faster than I’m being shot at by machine guns, somehow, everyone!”
The Bourne series have been well-respected and smart action flicks, and Renner is an accomplished actor skilled with intensity and athletic stamina. He also seems small and like he will be able to make lots daring crawl-space-related getaways!
Fourth installment money-milkings rarely blow us away, and it generally seems like they hit the reset button and chose a new avatar. But, it also looks pretty bitchin’. Can’t argue with that.
The Campaign -
Can you go wrong with two comedy giants? Will Ferrell has a long career of hilarious performances (even if not in great or good movies) and Zach Galifianakis’s exposure thankfully exploded after The Hangover (and he was, believe it or not, extremely amusing even before that mainstream bro-out). But, I didn’t need to tell you that.
Because you know and love them, they can make weak lines quotable for years, and otherwise mediocre movies re-watchable every new year’s day while you eat your hair-of-the-dog breakfast special of Count Chocula and Baileys.
Breakfast of *chhhaaaaallllllllaaaaarrrrffffff* -ians.
I still laugh at Ferrell even though I’m tired and unimpressed by him playing the same character in every comedy movie. I guess that’s talent.
Not a great trailer (Two baby jokes? Yo’ mama insults? Effeminate accent? Where’s the Jesus-being-wacky reference?) But, these guys could read the dictionary and illicit giggles.
Hope Springs -
I haven’t heard of this nor seen the trailer, so it’s time to play ‘Guess the Plot Based On the Schmaltzy Movie Title!’
Hope always dreamed about living in The Big Apple performing on Broadway. Now, she’s landed an audition for the lead role in Shrill Divas! The Musical! But what she didn’t anticipate was slowly falling for the devilishly handsome director whom she initially hated for literally no reason. Also, she’s from a town called Little Springs or something, and they get married.
Eww! Old people DOIN’ IT!
I’m sorry, but a movie about an old married couple trying to rekindle their love looks less appealing than chewing on a Country Feelings™ scented candle.
Nitro Circus 3D -
I was really hoping this was going to be Circus Animals vs. Performers in a FLAME THROWER BATTLE ROYALE for control over the Big Puffy Clown Pants Circus. I, obviously, would have been rooting for the animals because I think they would take the BPCPC in fabulous creative directions and always make sure the poop situation is properly maintained.
Unfortunately, it’s just a bunch of Red Bull-fueled Jackass wannabes. I realize one of the creators is Johnny Knoxville, but that changes nothing.
A great example of a movie that will be pretty fun with several beers in your queue.
*I accidentally wrote “Hawkman” which tells you how much time they dedicated to that guy.
By: Marielle –
Total Recall (2012) -
Having not seen the original Total Recall from the 90s (I know. But, I studied Philip K. Dick’s original short story “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale” (1966) in my Science Fiction Literature course. So, HIPSTER’D!), I can only compare the trailers and the little knowledge I’ve gained of the Arnold version, including comically exploding heads and Tri-titted Space Hookers. This remake is supposedly based on the source material and not the movie, but I’m pretty sure that chick did not appear in the book.
We have the technology. (via)
Also, the main character’s name in the story is Quail, and in the 90s version it’s Quaid. In 2012, it is also Quaid.
Anyway, much more importantly, it seems everyone is hotter in this revamped spectacle, even in the case of the replacement for Sharon Stone’s character, Lori.
Obviously, technology has immensely improved since 22 years ago, and Dick’s sci-fi premises always have great potential for films because of their poignant themes and the ability to work in intense action and explosions with ease.
Wikipedia has graciously informed me that both movies are very general adaptations of the story—which is fine. But, the 1990 version isn’t nearly as cool as the mindfuckery invoked by the twists in Dick’s literary achievement. But, it was ARNOLD’D! after all. I’m hoping the new one’s chosen direction is at least a better homage to smart sci-fi, even if it doesn’t stay married to the source.
P.S. I don’t like Colin Farrell, so I’ll be readying a fourth.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 3: Dog Days -
So, there’s this kid who has diaries. Three of them. Commence punching.
These are based on books, I guess. I’m not looking into it. To be fair, this doesn’t look terrible for a kids’ movie. It’s slightly sarcastic and the characters seem like exaggerated caricatures. I’ve heard next to nothing about these movies, so maybe they’ve all been decent—good even? I’m not looking into it. Let me feel the wrath from the MovieBoozer overlords.
Important disciplinary meeting.
Step Up Revolution -
Hollywood Director: Jenkins! You know what’s really hot these days?
Jenkins: Uh, no, sir. I mean, yes! I mean, I want to know what you think, sir.
Hollywood Director: Shut-up, Jenkins! Occupying things! That’s what the fourth Step Up is going to be about! But instead of a bunch of poor losers loitering outside of banks, it’ll be a bunch of hip retards dancing out their ethnic feelings in designer street clothes. But not too ethnic. Mostly whites and just speckle a bit of spice in there!
Jenkins: That sounds amazing, sir! We’ll simultaneously distract the kids with meaningless garbage and pander to anyone over thirty with how stupid and worthless people who try to protest are!
Hollywood Director: I know, godammit! Now fetch me Tijuana so I can snort some nieve off her ass!
INT. SOME RESTAURANT – DAY
Amanda: What are we gonna do, RJ?
RJ: I dunno, bitch, how ‘bout you put on some damn hot pants and shake yo’ cooch in everyone’s face?
Amanda: Oh my god, RJ, how am I gonna spend all of my dad’s money on cut-off jean skanks if he loses his job because of those corporate big wigs?
RJ: Shit, baby, you’re giving the “C” in c-walk a whole new meanin’! Looks like we’ve got some choreographies ta doo!
Amanda: Ya, RJ! Let’s show those fat cats that we got the endless time, money, and resources to constantly work on dance routines and perform in stylish new clothes every day fo’ evah!
I’m not sure what they’re hoping to revolutionize with their b-boy stances, c-walks, and honky tonking, but one thing is for sure: these loveable street-savvy kids are occupying my heart. No, wait, that’s a sickening annoyance. Thanks, sexy strangers known as “The Mob” (really), for taking time out of your tanned dance parties to block traffic.
Few things are worse than the fourth instalment of a terrible teen dance franchise trying to capitalize on this hot new trend of people, like, caring about stuff or something.
The Watch -
Sleep it off, man.
I remember the first trailer for this was shown in theatres around the time of the Trayvon Martin shooting, and there was mild controversy over the whole ‘neighbourhood watch guy pretending to shoot a black man’ part that was in it. I don’t know, I’d say this guy is a little more Zimmerman-esque, and he’s still in it:
At least he just called him “Curly.”
I’m not a big Stiller fan per se (I didn’t like There’s Something About Mary, but Zoolander is good stuff) but I think with the right writing and directing, he’s quite enjoyable. Akiva Schaffer (The Lonely Island) is the director, and it’s written by Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (both of Knocked Up, Superbad, Pineapple Express, Funny People fame) and Jared Stern (urg… Mr. Popper’s Penguins), so it’s got some impressive credentials.
It also features a style of comedy I like: conversational jokes that seem to evolve naturally (perhaps from improv) rather than straight set-ups and punchlines the whole way through. It’s also a blend of sci-fi and comedy: a hybrid genre I wish there was more of.
It’s not a great trailer, but it’s probably worth a watch if you’ve already seen TDKR twice and you need to be entertained. It may even be a secret gem with a segment of the population who’ll love it. Including me? Please. Love is for children and Pretty Woman-style whores.
By: Marielle -
The Dark Knight Rises -
Ugh, was that Stove Top? (via)
I was initially wary of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but then I realized I don’t care. Mostly because the casting choices for literally every other role are great (Batman Begins not included, thank-you very much, Ms. Joey Potter). I bet she’ll pull it off. It’ll give her the chance to branch out beyond annoying-princess-love-interest territory. Hell, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, one of my favourite actors, could be Catwoman and give me the chance to branch out into my pants! (That line would work a lot better if I had a penis.)
You guys have no idea how close this is to my dreams.
What is there left to say that hasn’t been covered by the trailers, clips, and endless speculation that’s been ping-ponging around since The Dark Knight hit theatres? These aren’t only great comic book movies, but they’re superior action and drama ones as well. Everyone with even a shred of taste will see it twice within the year. Count on it. Or, like, Bat-Count on it, or some other not-really-a-pun.
The rating, like the lack of pants on ladies at a Halloween party, is entirely predictable and yet triumphantly necessary.
It’s a sequel to a great cinematic franchise and, for once in a long time, a necessary part in a well-rounded trilogy. Because expectations are so high, and nerds be nerdin’, most criticisms will probably be nitpicky and relative to how adored this series has been and the height of that bar.
By: Marielle -
Ice Age: Continental Drift -
I often give animated movies a three because I don’t usually care for them, but I bet people’s ugly kids will have fun. This is the only wide release this weekend and it doesn’t look terrible, but my god does it look mediocre. And sometimes that’s worse. I’m pretty sure continental drift isn’t as TOTALLY EXTREME! as they’re making it out to be, either.
I don’t think this cast can get much more undesirable.
*looks at additional cast and sees Nicki Minaj*
She must play an elephant that stomps around calling the other animals stupid hoes (like that song she’s got on the Guantanamo Bay’s Greatest Hits album). Well, like the trailer says, she is one of history’s greatest heroes.
Make something new.
By: Marielle -
Magic Mike -
Magic Mike – Trailer 2 by MyMovies_International
C-Tates is returning to his roots as a stripper, and he’s ready to show the world that his personal brand of swigger is clothing optional.
It looks like the central conflict is that C-Tates’s love interest doesn’t agree with his choice of occupation. How is she not laughing at this?
Magic Mike Clip by Teaser-Trailer.com
Who invited Prudence T. Coldpants?
It’s an interesting twist on the old classic ‘men always wanting women to put their clothes back on’ chestnut we see repeatedly in the media.
Aside from how grumpy and annoying this disapproving Cody Horn already is, this looks decently watchable, and not just because of the dong. I mean, helicoptering wang. I mean, ass crests. I mean, C-Tates’s butthole. Dammit, why isn’t the backspace key working??!
Male stripping is ridiculous and inherently funny: add in a white b-boy takin’ it off and my, my, you’ve got a recipe for some sweaty laughs. C-Tates showed the haters what’s what with his surprising comedic performance in 21 Jump Street. McConaughey was born to play a half-naked and shiny mentor. The romance aspect will be cringe-y, and I’m sure it’ll try to force some overwrought climax down our throats. But some surprising comedic moments will surely pop up if handled correctly. Boners!
People Like Us -
People Like Us_trailer-WEB by MakingOf
A financially troubled Chris Pine’s father has died and Pine has been charged with the task of delivering 150k to a sister he never knew he had. She was officially left out of his will apparently because she’s the black sheep of the family.
Pine is torn between wanting to keep the money and doing the right thing and give it to his estranged sister and her a-hole son. It’s a manipulative way to tell your son he has a sibling and force him into a moral dilemma at the same time. Turns out being a total a-hole runs in the family.
I know exactly how this will end. Predictability isn’t a sure measure for whether or not something is good, though. But with this contrived premise and so many feel good smiles in the trailer, this is weighing too heavily on the cheese side.
Ted – Restricted Trailer by UniversalPictures
While I grew tired of Family Guy years ago, Seth MacFarlane is undoubtedly a great comedic writer and performer. He voices Ted with a harsh, Peter-esque Bawston accent and complements Mahky Mahk’s natural prosody. The dynamic between man and anthropomorphic bear is surprisingly satisfying. Particularly because the two talk with the brash honesty and mild racism of two bros just maxin’ and relaxin’.
Just kidding — no one cares about white trash.
I’m wondering whether it will follow the format of Family Guy and have a loose plot that is a really just an excuse for outrageous bits and silly tangents. Not that I’m necessarily complaining. Comedies too often start off right and then become too self-serious when the writers realize they’re supposed to be working in some kind of “moral to the story” and “ending.”
And I’m not really looking for sentimentality in a movie with a bear humping a grocery store till. But, I hope MacFarlane can add in the story elements necessary to pull off a tight and consistent comedy.
Either way, fart and dick jokes from a master.
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection -
Madea’s Witness Protection Trailer by http //www.ourmovieguide.com
“More like Witless Protection!” – Most professional reviews, I imagine.
I definitely have the urge to just write a good ol’ simple, dismissive “no.” But, in the spirit of a black man dressing up like an old, fat black woman: AWWWW HELL NO!
Remind me again of how Tyler Perry’s Madea is moral and folksy and not racist and sexist? Oh, ’cause it’s a comedy. Right. So many laughs.
By: Marielle -
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter -
001_Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter – Official Trailer (HD) by jbarajas19
The title alone sends marketing-chills down my spine. On the face that title screams ‘nerdtrendz we threw together: money please!’ akin to Lesbian Vampire Killers and the lesser known Werewolf Tits Parade. It’s in the same vein as inserting monsters into classic literature or historical fiction like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame-Smith or The Name of The Rose and Centaurs by Notaperson Bonquers. ‘Tis all about what’s hot rather than what’s actually cookin’.
Yo, these aren’t your parents’ werewolf titays!
The trailer looks… pretty serious? I assumed with a title that—I guess, campy?—it would be sillier than it appears. Is the trailer in on the joke or is this a genuinely dire movie? ‘Cause if so, there is gonna be some serious ravaging of some muthafuckin’ log cabins!
Moar stakes! Raaaawwwwwrrr!
Cue the Disturbed and Linkin Park tracks! Haha! Wait, really?
Now I have teenage-angst-chills.
Current top YouTube comment: “This is some creative shit, talk about thinking outside the box…” -E216Leek
You spelled “derivative” wrong. Coming soon — Jesus Christ: Lochness Monster Rider.
‘Brave’ Theatrical Trailer by MakingOf
Pixar’s achievements in adorable and funny storytelling are well known. With Brave, it looks like they’ve stayed on track save for one divergence: a female lead. And she isn’t half naked in some kind of tits parade that are popping up all over the place these days.
I’m hoping this isn’t going to be a film that families take their little girls to while Timmy and Jimmy stay home and play “Burn the Witch” with their Medieval Times Playset. Taking control of your life and finding your own path despite a planned destiny is a lesson for both genders, and we could use a few lady examples.
That kids can see.
Pixar appeals to all ages, but adults may need a deux for the message we wish wasn’t necessary in this day and age.
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World -
Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World – Trailer by MyMovies_International
I like the idea of an end of the world scenario that doesn’t involve some muscley dudes or John Cusack and their hot families miraculously outrunning outrageous disasters. Dark comedy can be so delightful. I think concepts like this strike a dour yet oddly satisfying chord with people because we all have to deal with our individual impending doom, and somehow having to face the same fate as everyone else has a surreal calm to it.
No? Just me? (via)
I hope this doesn’t go the way of the near-miss where everybody has to deal with the aftermath, credit card bills, and syphilis of their apocalypse binging.
Also strangely fulfilling is seeing comedic dudes in more serious roles that require a bit of dramatic skill. Comedy is often derived from some kind of pain, so a Steve Carell here or a Jim Carrey there feels so right.
What certainly needs to be a focal point: DRUNK PATTON OSWALT!
Although, I’m predicting a botched ending. Not sure why other than a sense of impending doom.
Rock of Ages -
Rock of Ages Trailer by http //www.ourmovieguide.com
Rock of Ages has all of the tropes you’ve grown up with!
The Young Protégés
The Uptight Religious Community Leader
The Wise Black Woman
Sweaty Paul Giamatti
Believing that if you’re young, hot, and white enough, you can do anything you set your douche to!
And, above all, The Soundtrack they hope to sell millions of copies of, even though everyone has long had these songs saved in their “Kegger Mix ’01″ folder.
Don’t stop believin’ in date rape!
And if that doesn’t get your ass rockin’ in your seat, what about if they took those songs and watered them down further with poppier musical renditions?
Alec Baldwin should stick to 30 Rock.
That’s My Boy -
That’s My Boy Trailer Official 2012 [1080 HD] – Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg by sportsrepublic
Yelling makes things funny.
Patent a stupid voice and use it in all of your movies.
Fat people are comedy gold.
Mullets are comedy gold.
Everyone loves a manchild.
Let’s hope Samberg can survive this Sandler-trap before he sinks too far. *Checks Samberg’s IMDB page and sees he’s filming Grown Ups 2* Well, shit.
Prometheus (2012) – International Launch Trailer [HD] by splatterwelt
Prometheus started out as a prequel to the Alien franchise, but now it sits in the realm of being related to the series in terms of the story’s universe, yet it’s not directly linked to the other four films. Think multiple comic book series/versions.
This is one of my most anticipated movies of 2012 and, I imagine, all other sci fi fans’ as well. And now I have page fright. What can I say to do it justice? Uh, uh… oh no… reverting back to freshman college essay mode…
Prometheus was a figure in Greek mythology who brought fire to mankind against the will of Zeus, representing scientific exploration in the face of rigid religious dominion, and the perils that may result from overreaching one’s appropriate technological grasp, such as being tied to a rock and being repeatedly eaten by eagles. Also, Pandora’s shoehorned in there. Something, something, misogyny.
No, dammit, Fassbender is counting on you! Uh, uh… oh no… stumbling back to middle school days…
The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘awesome’ as “extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring awe (ie. Prometheus is going to be totally awesome!)”
How about a bulleted list.
- Glowing technology!
- Space suits!
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted -
Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted (2012) – 3. US-Trailer by splatterwelt
Right, there’s another movie coming out this weekend. It gets a bulleted list, too.
- Celebrity voices.
- Joke about The Dreamworks Face.
If this were a drinking game, you’d be drunk from the trailer.
This is an ‘acceptable if you have to’ kind of three.
But, you know what, fuck that LMFAO song.