By: Jake Peroni (Five Beers) -
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?

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The first I heard of the film The Babymakers was back in the small print of the alleged stolen Olivia Munn cell phone pics headlines a few months ago. I, like many another gentleman pervert, was snooping around Al Gore’s internets scouting out the controversy in picture form and stalking her on Twitter.

Ironically (or planned) the cell phone leak was the greatest marketing campaign this film could could have asked for, especially for a low budget movie with limited theater release and “Same day ON DEMAND” premiere. Who needs to spend millions on advertising? Just leak some nudes of a hot quasi-celeb and dudes will take notice. Once the distraction was over, I realized Jay Chandrasekhar was tied to this film. That opened up some questions for me that sparked genuine interest…was this a new Broken Lizard movie? I admit, I got a semi.

Researching this, I couldn’t immediately find the direct link to Broken Lizard aside from the actors of the comedy troupe being cast in the film, and directed by Jay Chshamalamadingdong.  What’s going on here? That’s when I did the unprecedented… I read the “experts” reviews on the film. As expected (with EVERY comedy) the “expert” critics blast it.  But what I found surprising was the unfair bashing of Broken Lizard. YES, they will never top Super Troopers (I think even they know that!) But what the critics don’t understand is the consistency of their comedies. They never take the film too seriously. The characters are light and one dimensional. The comedy is slapstick mixed with over the top scenarios, with some great comedic lines. Beerfest, Club Dread, Slammin’ Salmon, all films that my wife WILL NOT like, but will keep me laughing because they make the audience feel like part of the fun.

Do I hold them on a pedestal compared to other comedic film series? Absolutely not, but on the other hand, when was the last gem that the Happy Madison bunch gave us? Or when was the last time the Vince Vaughn gang made us laugh with something original? And the Apatow bunch… COME ON, FUNNY PEOPLE? More like unfunny 3 hour shit. My point is CONSISTENCY. Broken Lizard films don’t branch out and dose the comedy with dramatic elements. Then I saw Babymakers and the valid point of my last three paragraphs was ripped to shreds like the integrity of the Octomom’s whoha.

In the Babymakers, Tommy (Paul Schneider) and Audrey (Olivia Munn) decide to have a baby. After alot of anal and unsuccessful efforts, they discover that Tommy is shooting blanks due to years of testicular abuse. Tommy then attempts to retrieve the sperm he donated years ago at a local sperm bank… they say no.

So he does what anyone would do given the situation, and plans a heist to rob the sperm bank and steal back his semen. But stealing semen is too big of a job for just one man, so he enlists the help of his buddies (Kevin Heffernan and Nat Faxon) and along with an Indian gangster named Ron Jon (Jay Chandra…se..m.har)

In the midst of the marital tension he decides the robbery is the best action and the caper takes flight.

A Toast

Aside from Fantasy Football, Angry Birds, and my math homework, the greatest thing the nerds have given us is Olivia Munn. Can she act? Who cares. The queen of the geeksquad is more than just eye candy, she has a sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. Her range in acting is dependent on the role. Her key to success will be the Vince Vaughn route, where character acting may not be her cup of tea, instead she needs to capitalize on the persona she has built up through years of YouTube, G4 TV, and comedy reporting. Her success is based on the ability to find roles that will allow her to fart and be sexy, rather than tug at the heartstrings through dramatic intrigue.

My initial research to find if this film was in fact a Broken Lizard film (because the brand was not plastered all over the promo posters) was explained. This film is not one of the traditional over the top comedies they are known for. Allow me to explain… a man robbing a sperm bank SHOULD be infused with over the top absurdity, but I was surprised this wasn’t taken to the extent it could have been. For that, I’m toasting the “Astrix” that will be tied to this film when grouped in the Broken Lizard vault.

The comedy rests solely on the shoulders of Kevin Heffernan’s one liners and Jay Chandeas..har’s goofiness, which do give a few chuckles but no where near my expectations.

Beer Two

I’ve never been to a place where they ask you to supply a semen sample (besides a few UVM Sorority houses) But I can’t help but wonder if in medical places they really do have “porn rooms” for guys to donate?

I’m a guy who wraps the hotel remote in a showercap because I read how they are never cleaned and full of herpes.  Grosses me out, so you can imagine my version of hell would be to have to stand in a medical “porn room” where the sole purpose of it’s existence is for guys to pull on ole’ Franklin Delano. In Babymakers, Tommy makes himself at home and sits right in a chair that looks like it was pulled out of a software designer’s basement. But seriously, do rooms like this really exist in the medical community? I imagine a Dr. with a lifetime of student loans must not be thrilled about asking advice from a janitor of a peepshow how to best clean his office at the end of the day.

Beer Three

I’ve heard many good things about Paul Schneider, but in this, he is mostly a stiff. I did not sympathize with his character at all. Which can be expected with Broken Lizard, but in this comedy they forgot to at least make him funny (or interesting). They could have at least thrown the guy a few funny lines or added some quirkyness to his boring character.

Beer Four

I mentioned Olivia Munn’s presence as the reason to toast this movie, but it’s clear the script has no idea of the mind of a married woman. How could it be OK with her to rob a sperm bank and steal a car, possibly face a jail sentence, but she gets all puffy about her husband playing Aladdin on himself? I get it, she can be insecure about the nude ex-girlfriend, but after 2 years of trying to have a baby any normal wife would encourage them to think of whatever they need. You want to think of a 13 year old Vietnamese hermaphrodite, balloon animal carnival clowns, and Betty White on a Jet Ski… DO IT, AND GET IT DONE.

This whole drama with the ex girlfriend’s pictures was predictable from the moment we saw them, and added no comedy. Only frustrating boredom and predictability.

Whatever happened to predictability? ~~ I’ve found it!!

Beer Five

The robbery. I get it, the joke is that they were not exactly great cat burglars. But come on…

Rule #1 Wear gloves. Everyone knows that. It’s a sperm bank, there must be boxes of gloves in every room.

Rule #2 Leave no evidence. Instead Ron Jon setup a surf shop in the porn room to make a deposit of his own.  (still curious how those places exist!)

The whole climax seemed to skimp on the comedy in order to force along the plot and resolve his marital drama.

Verdict

I REALLY wanted to like this movie. Munn is atop my “If I were a bad guy, rape list” (What you guys don’t have those?) and Broken Lizard is severely under-rated. But this movie does not best represent either of their talents.

Graduation pic from the Kristen Stewart School of Acting

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: anytime someone says the word “sperm”

Take a Drink: for any mention of the wedding ring he paid for with beat bucks

Take a drink: anytime someone says “BINGO”

Down a Shot: anytime someone pulls down their pants