Author Archives: Christopher Sheridan
Double-O Nolan, and the Worst Joke I’ve Ever Made
By: Chris Sheridan -
I don’t think anyone can disagree that Chris Nolan makes some badass movies. This is for two reasons: a) he really does, and b) an army of Batman fanboys and JGL disciples will hunt you and kill you slowly and painfully. In your dying breath, you can still be excited for this news: Nolan has actually been approached to direct the next Bond film. I can’t even make a joke about this one: thinking about Nolan constructing elaborate, CGI-free action scenes literally makes my balls tingle. Nolan has already expressed interest in directing a Bond film, so they ought to just give it to him—the man is a money printing machine. The difference here is that he won’t totally bone the U.S. economy by doing so. Daniel Craig can bone my economy though. Whatever that means.
Now that Marvel has made movies for all of its main characters, it’s time to start digging into the B-list characters. I’m not saying that some of the upcoming characters are the Christian Slater of Marvel heroes, but I am saying that more people have heard of Iron Man than they have Luke Cage. According to Wikipedia (I’m not earning any brownie points with comic book fans, am I?), Cage was a delinquent that got imbued with huge muscles and impenetrable skin after undergoing an experimental procedure in exchange for parole (Marvel doesn’t do any racial stereotyping, in case you were wondering). Then he punches stuff, I guess. Now, Dwayne Johnson wants to play the character once he shows up in a movie. It makes sense, since they kind of look alike. And Johnson will continue to add notches in the belt that is his movie franchise career alongside G.I. Joe and Fast & Furious. This is all up in the air and Johnson hasn’t been given an offer yet, but come on…would YOU tell The Rock he can’t have what he wants?
Can you say no to this face?
The Fantastic Four were pretty cool, up until we got that pair of awful movies that should have been called The Fartastic Fucks because of how monstrously shitty they were. I saw the second one with my then-girlfriend in the theaters, and
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
a) Our sex was terrible afterwards
b) Her breasts got smaller
c) Girlfriend? Don’t make us laugh, Chris.
Um. Anyway, as you know, there’s going to be a reboot. One of the frontrunners to play the Human Torch is Michael B. Jordan (dear God, I hope the B stands for Basketball). You may remember him from the surprisingly good found-footage superhero movie Chronicle. Since America is so progressive and open-minded, there are already people getting annoyed that a black guy is going to be playing a white character. Jordan will have none of this, and is already preparing his sunglasses to tell people to Deal With It. The world is ready for a black Human Torch, he says. I don’t give a fuck what color his skin is as long as we get a quality Fantastic Four movie, I say.
No.
Trailer Reviews: May 24th
By: Chris Sheridan -
Epic
Damn it. They’ve wasted an awesome word on some bullshit coming-of-age animated movie. I feel a little bad saying that, seeing as how the movie is sponsored by Children’s Hospital (or something like that). And, to be fair, there are parts of this movie that look pretty epic, what with the Avatar-flavored action scenes, but the rest looks rudimentary at best. By “rudimentary” I mean we may be getting a near-lethal dose of MSF. MSF stands for Magical Shit Formula. It’s an animated film mixture of juvenile comedy, celebrity voice actors and stupid fucking talking animals. A wisecracking snail voiced by Aziz Ansari sounds about as much fun as getting acupuncture with ballpoint pens dipped in arsenic. So no, I will not be seeing it.
Beer Prediction
They better fucking deliver on that title (they won’t).
Fast & Furious 6
Man: the Movie may have the power to actually grow a dick on its viewers. A whole dick! Right between your legs! Already got one? Enjoy your new secondary phallus! My fingers are transforming as I think about this movie. Cars! Muscles! Women! Explosions! Punching! There is so much manliness in Fast & Furious 6 it’s incomprehensible. It’s all adrenaline, all the time. And the drinking game for this one practically writes itself. I’m reviewing it, but I can almost guarantee you’ll be taking a swig for each of the things I listed above. Remember to wear loose-fitting pants to the theater. You’ve heard of a Vin Diesel Rager, right? No, me neither…
Beer Prediction
There is literally nothing that is not awesome about that trailer.
The Hangover Part III
Why is there another one of these? A single Hangover was all that was necessary, but since everyone had to go see it we got a half-baked copycat sequel that played more like a comedy Mad Libs than something someone actually wanted to put effort into (much like what happens when women talk to me). Luckily, Part III looks like it might actually be good. At the very least, it does have John Goodman playing a villain, which is always welcome. It also has Zach Galifianiakinikificaniankis acting like a moron, which is starting to run out of steam just a little bit. I do love the man, but there’s only so many times someone can fuck up before his friends want to drop him off the top of a high Hyatt height.
Beer Prediction
It might be fun, but I didn’t enjoy getting a Hangover a second time, and it remains to be seen how a third bodes.
The End of Surprises
By: Chris Sheridan -
We’re finally at the point where everything exists. We will never be surprised at a movie again, because the last possible combination of things is about to come to fruition. We’re going to be getting Bollywood treatments of The Expendables, 16 Blocks, and other action movies. You can imagine the potential of these projects, right? Hardcore action movies with dancing? It would be like West Side Story for straight people. Of course, for Expendables they’ll have to assemble a bunch of old Bollywood stars and bring them back together, which would also unite the most limber senior citizens since Cirque du Soleil brought a game of Twister to the retirement home.
I said that everything exists with that set of Bollywood projects, but I was wrong. NOW everything has happened, now that there’s going to be a movie of Angry Birds. Yes, that game that your asshole kid plays on your iPhone while you sort through the clothing racks a TJMaxx. Sony will be producing an animated movie about spherical birds being launched from a giant slingshot at equally spherical green pigs on Popsicle stick forts. Clearly this is a movie that we have all been waiting for, because we don’t have enough movies with compelling characters, an engaging storyline, and sharp, fresh dialogue.
I Googled “poop explosion” but I think a diaper will also suffice.
So, this is wild. Remember Will Smith, that wild G-rated rapper who was in Wild Wild West and made that wild Wild Wild West theme song? He’s about to get more wild, because he’ll be producing and starring in a remake of The Wild Bunch. This modern take would involve a totally wild outcast DEA agent tracking down an even wilder Mexican drug lord (is there any other kind of drug lord? Seriously?). All this movie needs is Zakk Wylde doing his own renditions of “Born to Be Wild” and “Walk on the Wild Side” with an interlude of Olivia Wilde doing a striptease set to “Wild Thing” while the reanimated corpse of Oscar Wilde reads “Where the Wild Things Are.”
Trailer Reviews: May 17th
By: Chris Sheridan -
Star Trek: Into Darkness
Star Trek : Into Darkness – Trailer #2 (VF) by Gamers Life
This sequel looks like it’s going to be pretty dark. I mean, the word is right there in the title. Darkness. Into Darkness. It’s like they’re going inside the darkness. What the fuck am I talking about? We also know it’s going to be dark because the Enterprise is totally crashing on the poster, not unlike Tony Stark in that Iron Man 3 poster. Wanna convey darkness for your movie? Besides having the word in the title, show the hero falling out of the sky. It worked for Tony Stark. It looks like it’ll work for Kirk & Co. It probably would work for anyone who finds themselves in a Tyler Perry movie. Point is, there’s some shit gonna go down in the sequel, which just goes to show you don’t fuck with Benedict Cumberbatch.
Beer Prediction
It’ll be good. It has Khan, right? Khan is a recipe for success. You can walk into a room full of Trekkies, say “Khan,” and end up with more boners than a 13-year-old’s birthday party after Destiny’s Child shows up.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010) DVD / Blu-ray
By: Chris Sheridan (A Toast) -
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
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You all know the story: a human girl falls in love with a vampire guy. It is a forbidden love, but as we know, the most alluring things are the ones we should not have. Still, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) and Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) fought through the prejudices of others and the indignation of the evil vampire order, the Volturi, and remain in a happy, sex-free relationship.
In this third installment, Bella still wants to get some hot, nasty vampire sex with Edward, and to get turned into a vampire so they can frolic in the forest for all eternity. However, she does express hesitation in getting married to Edward, because she’s a liberal bitch. Kidding, I’m kidding. Throughout most of the series, you could practically hear my eyes rolling at the absurdity.
However, when watching this third installment, something just clicked with me. I realized that my dislike for the series had nothing to do with a lack of quality in the films themselves, but a lack of quality in my own heart. My bitterness at never finding love and being racist towards vampires finally imploded, and I found myself at a loss for words, lips trembling at the raw love on display in this film.
A Toast
The dialogue of Eclipse really manages to drive home the emotions of the teenage characters, and there were times where I felt like Bella, Edward, and Jacob felt like extensions of my own repressed hormones.
The part where Edward and Jacob were about to start arguing, and Bella called herself Switzerland, was genius. Comparing a contested old plot of land to this timeless love story was a perfect way to portray the constant conflict over the love of this young woman. It also illustrated the power of each of the characters by comparing their supernatural abilities with the military power of entire countries. Finally, it foreshadowed the eventual peace between the characters with a real-world parallel between the countries. I realize now that not everyone needs to act on an Oscar-worthy level. Like the books, it’s all about acting so that fans can put their own personalities onto the characters. I’m Team Jacob.
I really enjoyed the action in Eclipse. Two minutes was all I needed to be completely satisfied, and the slow motion was not cheesy at all—it actually made everyone more badass. The fact that the vampires crack apart like porcelain was really clever. It really sold the theme that even for immortal vampires, life can be fragile, and definitely raised the stakes of the fight.
Some people might find it excessive that Jacob doesn’t have his shirt in most of his scenes. Not this guy. Not only did it allow the world to witness the raw manliness that is Taylor Lautner, it also totally exemplified his masculinity as a werewolf. The duality of man and beast is really exemplified in these scenes.
I was overcome by a tidal wave of emotion by the end of Eclipse. There’s such a richness to the way the narrative finishes, with every arc so satisfyingly closed and a really epic cliffhanger for the next film. It’s amazing how all of the emotions and plotlines come together at the end of the film, and it’s really hard to tell that it wasn’t someone like Alfonso Cuaron directing it. It’s just that good.
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES CHRIS A DULL BOY
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES CHRIS A DULL BOY
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES CHRIS A DULL BOY
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES CHRIS A DULL BOY
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAK
Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for every scene in which Jacob confesses his love for Bella.
Take a Drink: for each scene in which a character does not have a shirt.
Take a Drink: every time Bella looks down.
MovieBoozer: LAYWER EDITION
By: Chris Sheridan -
It’s MovieBoozer LAWYER EDITION!!!!! Our first story takes us straight through the asshole of Hollywood and right to the palm slapped firmly against my head, because this story is a hilariously idiotic misuse of the great American justice system. Remember how legitimately cool G.I. Joe: Retaliation was, partly because it didn’t continue those stupid plot points from the first movie? Somebody doesn’t agree with that second part, and those somebodies are the writers of the first movie. They are suing, because of how similar the two movies are. No, I’m not joking. They’re saying that even a passing glance at the two movies shows that they are almost identical. Yeah, sure. They’re totally alike. Remind me again where the first movie had The Rock killing the fuck out of everyone? Or where every second wasn’t fucking moronic? What’s that? I can’t hear you, you’re mumbling. Those things weren’t in the first movie? That’s what I thought. Save my taxpayer dollars for something that isn’t fucking stupid.
DO IT OBAMA
Everybody loves money. Money buys a lot of things, including fake money if you want to buy a mountain of Monopoly Benjamins (or whoever is on the $100 Monopoly bills, I haven’t played in years) and make everyone think you’re super muthafuckin rich. The stars of The Avengers have similar pipe dreams, and are ready to fight for more of the green stuff for appearing in the sequel. One might want to fault Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth for being greedy, but what really happened is that Robery Downey, Jr. walked away from the movie with a cool $50 million while mostly everyone else made $200,000. That’s still more than I make in a year, but I think I’ll have to agree with Hemsworth with this one in that the god of thunder should be making just a little bit more than just two delicious candy bars. The actors are ready for fight for their cut, though it will be interesting to see whether that pays off for them or Marvel just says “fuck you” and recasts the part a la Terrence Howard in Iron Man.
Sorry, I’m stick stuck on Monopoly.
Marvel is finally starting to re-acquire some of its more obscure heroes. They recently got Daredevil back, and now we can add Ghost Rider, The Punisher, and Blade to that list. There is one slight problem, however. We’re talking about a demon-possessed man with his exposed skull on fire, a man that viciously murders criminals in creative and nasty ways, and a half-vampire that hunts other vampires. All owned by Disney. Do you see where I am going with this? Either Disney is going to re-outsource the rights to the movies so that other studios can make their R- or hard PG-13 versions, or the company is going to make its own neutered, lame-ass versions of super badass characters. Ghost Rider would become Biker Dad. Blade would be Vampire Dad. Punisher would become Plushy Buttfuck or something. Lame.
Trailer Reviews: May 10th
By: Chris Sheridan -
The Great Gatsby
Trailer: The Great Gatsby by CineStars
Only Baz Luhrmann could take a classic novel, throw in a ton of color and style, mix in a hip-hop soundtrack, and hope for it to work. It might look like one big music video, but somehow the story of a man who spends his life building an empire of wealth just to impress a girl he likes feels like it fits in such a lavish setting. We’ll probably need it too, because this story is fucking depressing. Just bottle down those emotions and put on a big ol’ colorful bow and a Jay-Z singing telegram, and make the hurt go away for a little while. It totally won’t fester.
That got dark quickly.
Beer Prediction
This movie is a house of cards. It’s going to be either a lavish, sumptuous feast for the senses, or it’s going to be a disastrous misfire of oil-and-water filmmaking elements (kind of like most of my first dates). I’m sincerely hoping for the former.
Peeples
‘Now you’re going to have puppies’? Fuck you, David Alan Grier! I hate damn near everything about this movie and trailer, from the fact that Tyler Perry is “presenting” the movie (whatever the hell that means), to the shoehorning of every black stereotype ever, to the unforgivable degradation of national treasure Craig Robinson to a blundering romantic. How much do you think they paid him to do that scene in which he tries on that headpiece and starts dancing? Craig may soon feel the cold realization that manhood transcends value. Where is your man-card now, Craig Robinson? Firmly between the ass cheeks of a sadistically grinning Tyler Perry, that’s where.
Beer Prediction
This is going to be awful. You know it, I know it, and Craig Robinson probably knows it as he clutches a Mike’s Hard Strawberry Lemonade and wails into the uncaring darkness of night.
Thanks, Obama
By: Chris Sheridan -
I feel very strongly that Fox made a dire mistake when they didn’t let Joe Carnahan make his proposed Daredevil movie. Even though Carnahan only put together a vague sizzle reel, it showed what style he wanted, and that style was badass. Now, not only did we miss what was sure to be a hit, but Fox’s 10-year contract with The Man Without Fear (or eyesight, lol) expired, and the rights have reverted to Marvel. Unfortunately, while we might get a movie for such a badass character, the character that has almost universally been aimed towards more mature audiences will probably get the bullshit PG-13 happy-go-lucky-I’m-blind-but-at-least-I’ve-got-my-best-buds movie treatment from Walt Disney’s Marvel & Family Universe.
Mmm….Happy Family….
Remember how many young children died when it was announced that the Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie would just be called Ninja Turtles and the characters would be aliens? Well, Bay has clarified (or has he taken his hand off of his dick long enough to order a rewrite?) that the turtles ARE products of ooze, and the movie IS called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles all along. He also says that he’s listened to the fans and he wants the movie to be authentic. So calm the fuck down. Michael Bay will alleviate all of your fears and give you a Ninja Turtles movie that doesn’t have any jokes about blowjobs.
Thankfully, Rob Marshall will soon be back to directing musicals, after failing miserably at action movies. His next project will be Into the Woods (boy, they sure are getting creative with slang for Helena Bonham Carter’s vagina, aren’t they?). Actually, I’m not sure if she’ll be in the movie, but Johnny Depp will (I accidentally typed Johnny Deep at first, which is a joke that writes itself). This, I believe, is the Steven Sondheim musical, and it’s really damn good. This might be the first time since Sweeney Todd that I won’t have to hide the fact that I’m going to see a musical, but I do hope Depp’s singing chops have improved since he starred as the World’s Worst Barber.
SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS! Are you still here? Well, you’ve been warned. So we all know Agent Coulson got his taters mashed by Loki in The Avengers. So how is everyone’s most huggable super-agent going to be in the television show S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, now we know. And it’s fucking lame. Apparently, Coulson didn’t actually die. Instead, his death was faked by Nick Fury to help motivate the Avengers to be a team. So I guess we can discount the part where Loki literally stabbed Coulson, and just go with “yeah, he held his breath for a while then Fury hid him away for the rest of the movie.” Yeah, this show is gonna be greeeeat.
Trailer Reviews: May 3rd
By: Chris Sheridan -
Iron Man 3
Iron Man 3 (2013) – Movie Trailer by AZ Movies
Iron Man 3 stands alone this weekend, mainly because nobody else wants to stand up to a movie that’s already made a bajillion dollars overseas. Today I learned that a bajillion dollars is actually just two hundred million, which is incidentally the same amount of money that Iron Man 3 has made overseas thus far, as well as the setup for that extremely lame joke that I just fired off at 2 in the morning.
Shane Black is awesome, and now that he’s handling the writing and directing duties for the threequel, we can expect some extreme witticism from the writer of Lethal Weapon and Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. That will fit better than a Mark IV power suit for Tony Stark, and judging by the trailer we’ll also get some great action sequences as well. Plus, it’s got the Mandarin. Any comic book fan worth his salt (or anyone that’s been in Wikipedia lately) knows that Mandarin is awesome. Coincidentally, Mandarin is also a delicious variety of oranges that unfortunately has no place in this movie.
Beer Prediction
Iron Man 3’s real challenge will be matching the bombast of The Avengers, as well as functioning properly in a world that the super-team has been established in. Oooh, I’m so excited!
Mother Focker
By: Chris Sheridan -
Ben Stiller has an interesting career trajectory. When he plays the straight man, the movie generally ends up being amazingly shitty (anything with the word “Fockers” in the title), but when he’s a goofball, it’s generally a winner. Dodgeball was one such example of the latter, and was a surprisingly hilarious (if incredibly silly) comedy. After lots of “maybe we are, maybe we aren’t”-ing (I have now just invented a new phrase, methinks), it’s finally moving forward. Best of all, Vaughn and Stiller will be returning to act in the sequel. All that remains to be seen is whether the supporting actors will return (likely), and whether Rawson Marshall Thurber will be back in the director’s chair. If they can catch that same infectious, rapid-fire humor of the original, I’ll be there day one. I dodge a lot of balls, so it should be fun watching it on the big screen for a change.
Well, this sounds like a recipe for shit. Robert De Niro and Shia LaBeouf will be in an espionage movie called Spy’s Kid (no, I’m not joking), in which an imprisoned spy teaches his son to be a spy. Worst of all, it’s helmed by D.J. Caruso, who has been on a major crap streak for the past several years. I know a lot of you kids loved Disturbia, but almost none of you realize that it is a direct fucking ripoff of the classic Hitchcock movie Rear Window. Eagle Eye had some cool looking action, but it was overall a horrendous movie that made absolutely no sense. I Am Number Four….fuck that movie. I honestly have no interest in this. Not even Robert De Niro can elicit my intrigue, mainly because he hasn’t done anything really good in quite a while, instead appearing in lots and lots of shit (anything with the word “Fockers” in the title). LaBeouf, for his part, also fails to raise my eyebrow, but his upcoming Fury with Brad Pitt, a WWII tank movie, has a chance at being awesome. But it does have Shia LaBeouf….
John Woo is breaking my heart. The man almost solely responsible for slow-motion action movies as well as several of the absolute coolest movies ever has been spending most of his time making….war movies. Dramas. As in, movies where people with sunglasses aren’t killing the shit out of each other in slow motion. There is killing yes, but the dramatic kind where you go to hell if you think it’s cool (like anything with the word “Fockers” in the title). Red Cliff was good, but it wasn’t what I expect from a John Woo movie. Maybe someday we’ll get another awesome movie, but for now we’ll have to settle for Flying Tigers, a Chinese film about an American soldier training Chinese troops to fly fighter planes. It will be releases as a miniseries in America and probably shown to your seventh-grader’s history class. The rest of us will ask where the next goddamn Chow Yun-Fat action flick is going to happen.
A Chinese tantrum.
There is only one of Armie Hammer. Some of us were fooled when the actor pulled double duty in The Social Network, and then devastated when I realized that every girl ever was also gazing at his strong jawline and luscious mane. But sometimes it can be bad to have more than one of a thing (like anything with the word “Fockers” in the title); wouldn’t want the world to be completely conquered by dashing handsomeness. Hammer is next slated to appear in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (last time I’m naming that film because there’s no fucking way I’m going to spell out that acronym again), based on an old TV show if the same name (I think). He’ll play the sidekick to Tom Cruise’s character. I would be more interested if Steven Soderbergh was still attached to direct, but Guy Ritchie might still make it fun. Of course, it remains to be seen if Hammer can run as fast as Cruise.
I guess if I have to go see the movie….
