By: Bill Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
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Whenever Tom Cruise is mentioned to or around me, Scientology is inevitably brought up. Have any of you seen that SouthPark episode where Tom locks himself in a closet, and the basis for the religion is explained in the most cartoonish of ways? I can no longer watch Magnolia or Rain Man without thinking about all of that…

“Now I’m in the closet too.”

…but it hasn’t hurt my enjoyment of most of his movies. I believe I brought up the fact that the man is “crazy awesome” in my Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol review, and I fully stand by that. He may be eccentric, but he seems to properly tap into that element when it comes to action. And hey, at least he’s not vile like Mel Gibson gets at times (sorry Mel).

As an actor with an incredible amount of clout, he keeps a tight grip on his brand, and probably has a lot of say into who directs his next project. With Oblivion, I’m willing to bet that after reading the script, he suggested someone with enough visual flair to compensate for whatever inadequacies might be present in the story.

And, for that, I offer to Tom A Toast.

In his latest blockbuster, Tom plays yet another character with a simple name – Jack Harper – who gets caught up in something complicated. Set about 60 or so years into the future, Earth has been laid to waste after a war with aliens. We won, but the planet has been lost. He’s a technician assigned to maintaining the drones that protect the energy mining machines that gather what can be used for the remaining humans. Nearing the end of his mission, an old ship crash lands, revealing a woman he has seen in his dreams. This leads to a revelation that will turn his world upside down.

Having caught the movie in IMAX, I can safely say that it is one of the prettiest and sharpest sci fi flicks I’ve ever seen. The gadgets, the explosions and the environment all match together seamlessly. Director Joseph Kosinski really knows his way around effects and props, and that knack is perfect here. I wanted to go and buy a Wii joystick after the movie just so I could pretend. I’m almost 28 years old, people.

Where’s my Doritos? Cause I’m gonna wreck this game…

With a combination of epic feeling music and a classically executed adventure story, Oblivion is true Hollywood fun. I didn’t have any snacks on me, but had I had an Icee, it would’ve all been perfect. Go get yourself a treat beforehand.

Beer Two

I couldn’t help but think that this story was meant for either a longer movie or a franchise of movies. Despite the small cast, it has a lot of interesting things going on that would be best fleshed out over 3 hours. Instead of slowly going over the backstory, and letting things unfold naturally, Morgan Freeman just explains everything in about two minutes. The again, if you’re gonna have someone exposit the entire plot, Morgan is the best man to pick.

Beer Three

Something that distinguishes sci fi from other genres is the ability to provide insight into political and philosophical issues in a creative and easy to handle manner. Something that distinguishes Oblivion from other sci fi movies is that it doesn’t do any of that. But hey – doesn’t it look nice?

Verdict

It’s sleek, slick and pretty simple. Tom Cruise knows what works, and gives us exactly that. And, like the popcorn we all order, this movie will be eaten up. And that’s ok.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you wanted to visit an Apple store afterwards.

Take a Drink: when you realize that David Lynch’s Dune was slightly more creative.

Do a Shot: because Tom Cruise is one of the best seasonings that Hollywood has.

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast) -
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There aren’t very many filmmakers that I can name that are “bulletproof” to reviews. I don’t mean from reviews that would hurt their box office (a status that Dennis Dugan enjoys), but from getting bad reviews in general – from me, I mean. Terrence Malick is the only one that comes to mind.

You just L O V E your money, huh?

Now, I’m not a die hard Malick fan; I haven’t even watched The Tree of Life. But, I do recognize great work when I see it. He’s not just a glorified cinematographer, people… The man knows how to tell a story through emotions via visuals. Call it pretentious, hipster crap all you want; the man’s work is top shelf.

And his latest continues that trend.

A Toast

To describe To the Wonder feels like a daunting task, mainly because of how it is presented. It’s about an American man and a European woman. They fall in love, move to his home in the U.S., she moves back, he reconnects with an old female friend, she comes back and they try to reignite their flame. At the same time, we see the inner turmoil of a local priest, struggling with his relationship with God.

To call this movie unconventional is an understatement. Now, it’s not wonky like a David Lynch film, but it is a bit obtuse. There is little to no dialogue spoken on camera. What is said is done so in voice over whispers, and the majority of that is in a foreign language. It’s the acting, the camera movements and placement of people, animals and objects in a scene that moves the story forward.

Think of it as having the mechanics of a silent era film. Back then – in the pioneer times of movies – spoken lines were not a crutch, because the technology hadn’t been invented yet. The actors really had to tell the story through body language, and the crew had to carefully construct the scene to provide depth beyond the acting; objects in the foreground and background, how close the camera is to the action, etc. It was universal storytelling. Malick’s previous movies have included elements of standard, modern narrative, but this one goes back to birth.

There are scenes when the women in the man’s life are walking alone in the weeds, and appear to be hearing something that we can’t. In the next scene, they express doubt at their relationship. It’s as if an unseen force within nature is guiding them. Maybe guiding us?

The story of the priest feeling alone and ignored by God relates really well to the man and the woman falling in and out of love. Townspeople come to him for guidance, but he himself is needing of that very thing. The woman kneels before her man, calling him her rock, her source of strength. But, the man hardly ever speaks – not even in whisper – and is, too, feeling in need of help in the world. In the end, people are transformed by love, for better or worse, and life goes on.

All of this is said without being said much at all.

Oh, but it’s pretentious garbage. Fuck, I hate hipsters.

Verdict

To the Wonder is in theaters, on VOD and iTunes. Go see, rent or download it. I don’t know where it will rank in my end of 2013 list, but it’ll be on it. And I’ll be called an asshole for including it.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you wonder how much more vague the dialogue can get.

Take a Drink: if you are watching the movie on your tablet in a coffee shop. Are you liking the movie ironically because other people dislike it?

Do a Shot: because you went to see Scary MoVie instead of this. You’re the real asshole.

By: Bill Arceneaux (Six Beers) -
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I don’t remember where or when, but I do believe I suggested that WWE Studios make an action film about killing bin Laden. Zero Dark Thirty was a thinking man’s adaptation, but I would LOVE to see something fantastical, implausible and balls out ridiculous. Think Death Wish 3 meets Commando meets Invasion USA, with an athletic and charismatic lead, an eccentric performance by the villain (perhaps by a famous character actor, preferably of a different race), some hot women in distress, and a high kill count with over the top deaths.

I’d pay hand over fist to watch something as awesome as that.

Action-sploitation isn’t nearly as easy to produce as you might think. Recently, I’ve seen movies that attempt to capitalize on our need for explosions and bullets, but made all wrong; A-list actors, a script that feels off and an all too serious atmosphere that attempts to legitimize things. Uggghhhh…. YOU CANNOT FAKE ACTION AWESOMENESS! Chuck Norris blowing a hole through a bad guy with a bazooka, at point blank range, is NOT A F***ING COMMODITY!

Chuck Norris introduces himself to the producers of Olympus Has Fallen

Olympus Has Fallen had the premise of a kick ass blood bath / silly fest, but all the genuineness of a back alley huckster. Basically, the President has been kidnapped by a North Korean paramilitary leader, who concocts a siege on D.C. and the White House. All but one secret service agent have been killed, turning this into a classic hero vs. an army flick. Oh, and nuclear armageddon is threatened.

A Toast

Before I Reb Brown this movie, I’ll give credit where credit is due.

Cole Hauser, for the limited time he is on screen, delivers the line “olympus has fallen!” very well, and honestly, should’ve been the lead character. He was *spoiler alert* killed off very quickly in A Good Day to Die Hard, and hasn’t really been given much of a chance since the perfectly off the deep end Paparazzi.

Robert Forster and Morgan Freeman have an argument that was a delight to watch…

Beers Two, Three and Four

I referenced Paparazzi above when suggesting that Cole Hauser replace Gerard Butler as the action hero of this film. That Hauser vehicle had an execution and atmosphere of a perfectly crazy action flick; a slimy villain played by a weirdo actor, some cheese and, of course, an over the top revenge plot. Mix those elements up with a cast and crew that are clearly having fun doing what they know are silly things, and you have a great combo.

Olympus Has Fallen fails hard because its atmosphere and execution are all wrong for the story being told; an ensemble cast of mostly top level thespians and a tone close to political thriller… with a premise that exactly matches a project from Canon Films. Imagine something like Clear and Present Danger with a goofy Die Hard plot. One of these things is different that the other. Doesn’t sit well, right? Feels off, doesn’t it? Sure, you can have tension, high stakes and some drama in a big muscles and big guns picture, but you can’t forget that IT’S A BIG MUSCLES AND BIG GUNS PICTURE.

For a moment, we can pretend that’s Cole Hauser.

I remember an episode of Red Letter Media’s web show Half in the Bag, where Red Tails was reviewed. They brought up how it was marketed and presented as some kind of 1940′s propaganda throwback while at the same time being a serious film about racism. Those two elements mesh as well as oil and water, as they clash too hard and almost cancel each other out.

This movie, while marketed more as a thriller than anything, catches the eyes of film fanatics everywhere for a silly plot with action cliches, which brings to mind cheesy one liners, funny sound effects and bad asses being bad asses. Trying to include these elements while going for an Air Force One type movie is a fool’s errand. Either ham it up to 11 with pure explosion-sploitation or get serious with dramatic thrills and a serious real world threat.  Having your cake and eating it too doesn’t work here.

To sum up – Paparazzi got right what Olympus Has Fallen got way wrong. Sad, huh?

Beer Five

Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC was in this. I’m guessing that the producers wanted to throw in a recognizable newsman in an attempt to make things feel “real”.

This isn’t always a bad thing. It worked in Contact and Skyfall, but only because those movies were actually good at presenting a relatable world with events occurring in a realistic way. Didn’t Spiderman 3 have a real life reporter commenting on the final fight? Yeah, that felt out of place…

Beer Six

I can’t wait for the behind the scenes interviews with the actors, specifically Melissa Leo and Dylan McDermott. Oscar winner Leo plays the Secretary of Defense (a good casting choice, I think) who is taken hostage along with the President. She is beaten and brutalized, resulting in a performance that resembles an aggressive drunk woman leaving a bar after closing. Harsh words, yes, but I think she knew that this script was crap, and was just trying to overcompensate for that with her acting. She really wasn’t bad, just trying to polish a turd.

And I suspect that Dylan knew this as well, but instead of trying to make something “legitimate”, he just embraced the crazy. His delivery of his lines are as awful as the lines he was given. Silly stuff.

In a way, they are the real heroes of this production – the only guy and gal to understand what was going on around them. This beer is more or less a toast in their honor.

Verdict

There is only one Chuck Norris. Only one Steven Seagal. Only one Statham. But there are multiple Gerard Butlers. You can’t fake awesome.

A Hollywood war room meeting. The topic? How to fake awesome.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: If you agree that a middle school computer class from the late 90’s could’ve done better CG.

Take a Drink: of a brand called Sips. It’s tasty, will give you a buzz, and is less embarrassing to buy than a ticket to Olympus Has Fallen.

Do a Shot: Because 2013 will get better. It HAS to.

During the early months of every year, Hollywood sends out numerous bombs to the general public, in hopes that at least one will blow up and take a few people with it. Yes, considering the caliber of films like A Haunted House and Season of the Witch, my suggestion that studio execs are trying to kill us all is appropriate. There are other enemies in the War on Terror, I tells ya.

On rare occasions, the heart of a Grinch like producer will grow a few sizes larger, and a movie will come out that – shock – is actually quite good. Last year, it was The Grey. This year, it’s Snitch.

The true face of terror?

A Toast

The Rock (I don’t call him Dwayne) plays a father whose estranged son gets into some big trouble. Basically, he makes a dumb mistake by accepting a package of drugs from a friend of his, not knowing that the friend was setting him up to avoid heavy jail time. Facing a mandatory 10 years in prison for a first time offense, Rock pulls all the strings he has in order to make a deal with the government – he will find a way into the drug world, and nail a kingpin or two.

Less shooting, more pathos.

For starters, this movie is written pretty damn well. Now, this is no Tarantino script; it’s not very clever or wordy. In fact, lines feel stale at times. But, that’s the point. In real situations, people don’t necessarily talk like wordsmiths. This script isn’t interested in constantly telling you how good it is, because it’s busy crafting a story with strong characters, high stakes drama, and excellent tension

But, with a dialogue-light screenplay, the actors and crew have to work overtime to sell the story. And I’m happy to report that The Rock does a fantastic job here. The first thing you’d probably think of him doing in a crime drama like this is grabbing a gun and wickedly killing some bad dudes with it. Instead, in the only scene where he fires a weapon, he looks anxious and uncomfortable. He’s an out of his element father, getting deep into a dangerous world with even more dangerous people. I felt like taking some tums while watching him deal with a drug dealing Michael Williams.

Something must also be said for the overall production design. I never once felt that I was looking at a sound stage. Even the finale, with a car explosion and overturned truck, felt like it really happened (and it probably did). There is also a gloomy look in just about every scene, with clothing, lighting, and décor to match. All of these components build up an environment where anything can happen and anyone can get hurt. Very exciting.

Beer Two

I already mentioned the lackluster dialogue above, so I’ll just suggest you chug a beer because of a beard. And not just any beard; an epic one.

I have seen beard mountain, and it is good…

Barry Pepper (of Battlefield Earth, another movie with characters sporting silly hair styles) plays an agent on a drug taskforce. He also has a Fu Manchu. I’ve seen a few cop shows where specialty agents look a lot like bar bouncers, so I guess this is accurate. But, because it’s Barry Pepper, it just felt a little weird. Not bad, just… weird. He does a good job, though.

Verdict

A wonderful surprise that I would highly recommend. Give this unmarked package a shot – no bomb squad needed.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you were expecting to see The Rock hit his finishing move at some point. Take a second one if you wanted to see him do his famous raised eyebrow.

Take a Drink: because a Fu Manchu is awesome.

Do a Shot: for trying to figure out how Barry Pepper kept that thing on his face clean from food.

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III (2013) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Four Beers) -
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Can you name a cooler actor than Charlie Sheen? Go ahead and take a few minutes to think about it…

…Come up with anybody? Yeah, I guess there are others that equal up to him, but none that can copy him. I’m talking about a man that has openly poked fun at his own drug / sex related indiscretions, bounced back from a public mental breakdown, written a fantasy letter to President Obama, and essentially told the producers of a popular show he was on to fuck off. As Parker Lewis might say, Charlie Sheen is coolness turned up to 11.

Cooler than Bogart?

Example A of his coolness; A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III.

It’s the 1970’s, and everything is groovy, man. Charles Swan – a popular artist with bacon and eggs designs on the sides of his car – has just suffered a pretty devastating breakup. With an over-active imagination, and an attitude as tasty as the times he lives in, Charles tries to cope.

A Toast

Sheen was meant for this movie, and this movie was meant for Sheen. I’d be willing to bet that Charlie himself helped write many scenes. It’s a great excuse to watch him to what he does best; be cool. The kind of cool that makes a person wear sunglasses at night. Oh yeah.

Now, I’ve never felt that Charlie was a great actor, but he does have the ability to exude a great charisma. Try National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1. In that movie, he has a small, “blink and you’ve missed it” role as a parking lot valet. He has a short exchange with Samuel L. Jackson, where all he’s doing is going through the motions of his valet job. EVERY line is delivered with what I can only describe as brilliant coolness. It’s a blast to watch, and I always rewind that scene a few times over.

Bill Murray is in this as well, and while he isn’t used much, he too delivers a brilliant yet brief performance (when he pulls an arrow out of Sheen’s chest, for those wanting to fast forward to the good stuff).

Beer Two

While Charlie Sheen may be the definition of coolness, this movie is the definition of meandering. The bit I wrote describing the plot may have been short, but I actually gave the longest possible summation. Aside from an attention-grabbing beginning and a final confrontation with his ex, our lead mostly just walks around doing stuff. It’s as if the director was obligated to make an almost 90 minute film, but only had material for about an hour.

Beer Three

This might be one of the most poorly written breakup movies I’ve ever seen. What happens is that our lead characters’ girlfriend breaks up with him, not wanting to be like his other loves. He spends the rest of the story complaining that he can’t get her out of his mind until he finally talks to her again. That’s it. I thought maybe we were gonna get a High Fidelity- type story, where he explores his past relationships to try and understand his current one, except through his warped, groovy mind.

Nope. One or two fantasies happen, but they are pretty inconsequential.

A better movie.

Beer Four

At the end, the actors break the 4^th wall by telling the camera (and audience) who they are and what character they played. We see the crew, before getting a shot of the director in a mirror. Was the ending thought of first before anything else? Did they just make up the ending after watching The Holy Mountain?

More drafts were needed.

Verdict

The coolness that radiates from Charlie Sheen doesn’t quite mask the disappointment of this film. Give it a shot, if you want 80 or so minutes to feel like 2 ½ hours.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you ever bought black market caviar in the middle of the night, or ever wanted to do that.

Take a Drink: if you though the guy behind Napoleon Dynamite should’ve directed this.

Do a Shot: knowing that this might be the closest you’ll ever get to partying with Charlie Sheen. Enjoy!

Zero Dark Thirty (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast) -
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Has anyone reading this watched Planet Terror? You know; the first half of the Grindhouse double feature? There’s a scene near the end when our heroes confront a rogue military leader played by Bruce Willis. He gives them a backstory, where he reveals that he had killed Osama bin Laden, and was punished by his government for doing so. “I put two in his heart, and one in his computer”.

And, with a smirk, he proclaims “Yeah. That was me”. The idea of Bruce Fucking Willis killing one of the most wanted men in the world is gloriously bad ass. If any American were to be asked how they would like bin Laden taken care of, that might be one of the top answers.

Of course, we all know that isn’t how it ended in real life. Wait – has anything ended?

You know he enjoyed saying that line.

I don’t really need to describe the plot of “Zero Dark Thirty”. It is basically a no frills account of the hunt for bin Laden, from 9/11 to the raid that got him. CIA agent Maya (Jessica Chastain) spends years on the case, following a lead that proves fruitful. The only conflict/concern in the film is FIND HIM.

A Toast

For a movie about one of the most important operations in modern history, it really plays things straight. I once suggested that if Hollywood were to make a film about this, they contact WWE Studios, and let them do an Expendables movie. Why not have fun with it?

Well, probably because this was pretty damn serious. With a subject so sensitive, you must tread lightly. But the public wants to see how it went down AND be entertained at the same time. They want to relive the excitement they felt when President Obama made the announcement. Catharsis on demand.

Well, sorry to disappoint, but the best thing about this movie is how it takes that joy away. Yes, the raid sequence is awesome, with unparalleled suspense and tension, but the moment you all want to see happens in a flash. No slo mo with dramatic music, no superimposed American flag; only cold darkness and silence. And the Seals move on afterwards. This is so bold, as it would’ve been easy and slightly cheap to just feed into that wanting for clear cut, bloody vengeance.

No time for frills.

The other high point of this film is the character Maya. I type the word character in the loosest way possible, as, well, we don’t know much about her. No last name, no family history, no personal ties to 9/11 known (which would also have been easy and cheap); just a burning desire to close this case. At one point, a superior tells her she is “chasing a ghost”. In my opinion, Maya IS a ghost. A pale skinned spirit, walking the Earth until she has accomplished this goal.

Once all is said and done, she boards a plane as the only passenger. When asked where she would like to go, she has no answer. This investigation defined her, and now it is over. Throughout the movie, she expresses little to no emotion over torture, drone strikes, personal dangers or even tragedy to friends. Here, she sheds a tear. I don’t think it’s because the chase has ended, but that there is nobody left for her to chase.

The ghost that walks.

A complicated protagonist and a non orgasmic climax – how come Bigelow wasn’t nominated for Best Director?

Verdict

Don’t let the hub bub over “pro torture” sway your liberal side, as it is unfounded. And don’t buy a ticket expecting to see an Operation Kino-style massacre in the end. This movie tells its story in an unapologetically straight forward and intelligent way. Do expect to discuss what it means to you.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you thought MichaelBay was better suited for this. In fact, drink some anti-freeze too, you prick.

Take a Drink: when Maya calls herself a “motherfucker”.

Do a Shot: if Bruce Willis killing bin Laden ran through your mind at any point during the movie.

The Guilt Trip (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Five Beers) -
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Directly from IMDB.com’s trivia section for “The Guilt Trip”:

The Paramount marketing department were so certain that Barbra Streisand would gain a Golden Globe nomination for her performance, that not only did they put out an ad congratulating her victory, but posted it online moments before the nominations were announced, only to be swiftly pulled when Streisand ended up without the nod.

And now, directly from me:

Someone was pulling Paramount’s strings, and their initials are B.S.

Seth Rogen unfortunately stars in a movie that doesn’t really fit him whatsoever. He plays a scientist that goes on a road trip across the USA to pitch his cleaning product to major companies. *Yawn* Excuse me, as I am writing this post nap. At the beginning of his trek, he discovers a secret about his overly caring mother Barbra Streisand and, in an effort to maintain a plot, invites her along.

If I hadn’t cut my own hair short the other day, I would’ve pulled it out during the remaining running time.

A Toast

Seth Rogen is, in my opinion, always funny. Always. Something about his sarcastic off the cuff type responses that really tickles my fancy (that’s right). Maybe it’s because I’m a sarcastic asshole at times as well…

…add that to a mother & son flick, and you’ve got some potential, especially if you’re giving zingers to Barbra Freaking Streisand. I may be about to rip on this movie, but there are a few moments of well scripted conflict and emotion, and B.S. (yep, I was talking about her) pulls those moments off pretty well.

Beers Two, Three, Four and Five

This chug is all about Barbra. Oh boy did she piss me off. Now, it wasn’t her acting, as I thought she did ok – it was H E R. I got this feeling in my gut that this was some kind of vanity project. Basically, it’s 90 minutes of Streisand telling me how great she is. Not convinced? Take this into consideration:

1. The redundant money shots of her being emotional, yet strong. Just begging for an award.
2. The way she managed to overpower Mr. Rogen in every scene they were in! He basically plays the straight man, but as a support and not really as a partner (despite his name being on the poster). Sure, he’s “important” to the story, but only as a catalyst for bringing “her” along.
3. The suspiciously mediocre/familiar/dull story, designed to let her shine whenever possible.
4. The almost awards campaign that the studio attempted for B.S. THEY really thought she’d get a nomination? Maybe SHE did…

Then there was the banter. The constant, annoying banter between the two leads. Sure, there are some ok moments, but it doesn’t make up for the awful repetitions and fake genuineness. Seth tries, but it’s hard having chemistry with a black hole.

So… why no Sixth beer? Because at least it’s not a Katherine Heigl vehicle.

Verdict

A shaky premise being held on the shoulders of a dominate diva in a movie with maybe one good moment. I say no. There was a trailer beforehand for a DeNiro/Keaton movie that looked as insufferable, so I guess there is no end in sight.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when you realize you’ve been grinding your teeth in frustration, and it’s only been 20 minutes.

Take a Drink: for the Adam Scott appearance. Was he bored the weekend his scene was shot and figured “Why not”?

Do a Shot: if you hugged your mother afterwards – she understands you didn’t mean to watch the movie without her.

Skyfall (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast) -
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On our most recent Pubcast (episode 6, I believe), we discussed our favorite James Bond movies, actors, gadgets, etc. At one point, I admitted a dark secret; I was never really a big fan of the franchise. Yes, it’s true. I’ve only seen a handful of the films, mostly Brosnan and Moore. No Connery (I should be tortured). My colleagues were nice about it – even got a lovely hand gesture from Mr. Sheridan – but I still feel a level of shame.

So, of course, I was the best candidate to review the latest Bond film Skyfall.

Somebody called Bond, and now he’s after me!

Now, don’t you readers worry; I’ve stayed up to date on the goings on of the Daniel Craig reboot series, and caught myself up on what I needed to in order to do this review. Though, I should note that you don’t have to watch any previous film to enjoy this one:

James Bond is back, but is he better than ever? Clearly weathered after recovering from a near deadly gun shot, James must deal with an ex-agent who intends on taking down M and the entire agency. Is the superspy capable of saving the day once again?

A Toast

While I can’t properly measure this up with the majority of the other franchise movies, I think I can safely say that this is James Bond at his most mature. The movie is stylish, but not overdone. It is action packed, but practical. Best of all, the only use of CGI can remember was a lizard. And, for a series intending on rebooting a familiar story, this is the best way to go about things.

Totally mature.

This more traditional approach to the story’s execution also melds well with Bond’s conflict in the film. It acknowledges many times that the franchise is quite lengthy, and maybe even out of gimmicks. I mean, what do you do after over 20 movies, especially when you’ve visited space? It makes the audience ask about the staying power of the character and the adventures. Has he missed a step? Could Bond go toe to toe with Jason Bourne? The jury might be out on that fight (I’d pay to see it on the big screen), but trust me when I say that James – and the series as a whole – has not yet peaked. More fantastical doesn’t beat more grounded and down to Earth. And, from what I understand, there’s still more to explore on this planet.

It’s interesting to me how a movie can be both traditional and nostalgic while also moving its own story forward. Since being rebooted in Casino Royale, James has slowly been becoming the man audiences used to know. From common man booze to sophisticated alcohol. From being a reckless badass to being suave and effective. He may only be 3 films old, but Daniel Craig’s portrayal of the character has finally come into his own.

Additional Toast    

Originally, I was gonna give this movie two beers. Not so much because it had a fault, but because I had already rated it 4/5 stars on Flixster. But, at the time of writing, I just couldn’t justify a derogatory beer. So, whatever. Just have one more to cheer on Javier Bardem’s villain Silva. Built up as an evil man to be feared, his introductory scene/monologue is absolutely spine tingling and creepy as hell. A strong bad guy for a strong movie.

Totally creepy.

Verdict 

Skyfall is to 2012 what Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol was to 2011. While I did give that movie 2 beers, in hindsight, it was a minor technicality. Seek out both flicks.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time you’re impressed by the very excellent photography.

Take a Drink: every time you see a classic “50^th Anniversary” Bond reference

Take a Drink: because my conversion of the ratings system is off a tad, but that doesn’t matter – Bond rules.

Do a Shot: if you got weirded out by Silva in that one scene. You know the one.

Frankenweenie (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Two Beers) -
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Tim Burton has taken on quite a few adaptations in his career: Batman, Sleepy Hollow, Alice in Wonderland, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd and, yes, even Planet of the Apes. Sure, the man has a groovy vision, but do we really want him to do variations of every story ever?

Only if that story is personal to him, I say.

The more personal, the better.

When Victor Frankenstein loses his dog Sparky to a car accident, he tries a last ditch science experiment to bring him back to life. When it works, the other kids in his class wish to try this on their own. When they do, the results are quite monstrous. In the end, it’s up to Victor and the undead Sparky to save the town.

Another way of putting it – Frankenweenie is Frankenstein with a twist.

A Toast

I have to say that it is really refreshing when a famous director does a project that is clearly personal to them, after having done commercial movies for so long. Based on his earlier short film, Frankenweenie seems to be something that could’ve only been done at this point in Tim Burton’s career. It features non stop references to his other movies (the good ones, mostly), and some wonderful influences from monster films – the kind that probably made him want to make movies in the first place. Victor even makes stop motion animation himself! I’d be willing to bet that Tim had a dog as well…

Stop motion takes a lot of time and talent to pull off – hours and hours just to record a few seconds. Imagine adding to that the work of framing / lighting scenes to reflect the feel of those late night B movie sci fi horror flicks. Lots of effort went into this, people.

The time this took to make…

Beer Two

The ending is such a cop out. I don’t really want to spoil things too much, so I’ll just say that it goes for the Love Conquers All finish, instead of something that would’ve meant more.

See, the movie starts with Victor showing a stop motion film to his parents. This was a wonderful scene that not only expressed Mr. Burton’s early love of cinema, but also how few friends he had. What I was expecting was that it would end with Victor finishing or making a new animation with other kids, and moving on to the next phase of his development.

Instead, our hero gets what he wants, not what he needs. Such a shame, considering the emotions of the previous 90 minutes.

An example of love conquering all.

Verdict

Despite the last few minutes, this is a wonderfully enjoyable movie that film fans ought to appreciate. Maybe it will do better on DVD.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every reference to a classic monster movie.

Take a Drink: for every reference to a previous Tim Burton movie.

Do a Shot: if you relate to Victor’s plight.

Looper (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

“Fries your brain like an egg”. Hmmm.

Should’ve been “fries your egg like a brain”, I think.

The line of dialogue above comes from Looper – a movie that I was very fortunate to see early. In context, the line refers to the craziness of time travel, specifically all the possible timelines and potential paradoxes it could bring up. Indeed, given the story that unfolds, this line is prophetic.

Though, if they had just re-arranged two words, it would’ve been much better; if the prophets’ mind is already fried, what can we expect?

Fry this brain, why don’t cha!?

The film is set in 2042. Time travel hasn’t been invented yet, but in 30 years, it will have been. Once created, the technology falls into the control of mob syndicates. The mob uses it to send people into the past to be eliminated by gangsters known as loopers. If a looper’s contract is severed, they send the future self to the past, where he is then executed by his past self. If a looper lets a target go, the present mob will hunt down both men, in an effort not only to carry out the job but to preserve space and time. Understand?

Joe (Joseph Gordon Levitt), an exceptional looper, is sent his future self (Bruce Willis), but is knocked out before he can fire his weapon. His future self is on a mission to stop the mob, his present self is on a mission to stop his future self, and the mob is on a mission to stop them both. A chaotic situation in a chaotic universe.

Loopin’ aint easy.

A Toast

I haven’t witnessed such a beautifully crafted sci-fi film in many years. This will be compared to Inception and Source Code in that all three are wacky concept movies with recognizable cast members, but Looper beats them both (not to take ANYTHING away from the others). Much like Joe being both young and old in the same space and time, the movie has both commercial appeal and clever bravery – it’s not easily consumable for the general masses, and will make them think. Can you ponder and shovel popcorn in your food hole at the same time?

Prior to this movie, the only piece of Rian Johnson’s work I had seen was a concert film of The Mountain Goats. I had heard only good things about Brick and The Brothers Bloom, but just never got around to watching them; my focus was more on Nolan, Anderson and Aronofsky. In my post Looper existence, Mr. Johnson now has my fullest attention.

I read somewhere once that The Shining is meant to be seen both backwards and forwards, suggesting a code imprinted within all elements of the film. No, I am not saying that Johnson has achieved a Kubrickian level of direction, but the story and the way it is executed and unfolded reminds me of that kind of craftsmanship. Is there a hidden code within Looper? An almost mathematical approach certainly appears to be at work here… my egg is fried.

Is the rooster behind her the key to this puzzle?

Verdict

Without spoiling anything, I think I’ve successfully recommended this flick. Next to Beasts of the Southern Wild and The Avengers, Looper is one of the best films of the year, and could end up being a sci fi classic. A nightmarish landscape where complicated choices result in horrifying consequences – I’ll definitely be watching this again. And again.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you’d rather go to France than China (watch the movie; you’ll get it).

Take a Drink: at the moment your initial allegiance to one character switches to another.

Do a Shot: when you pull up a Stephen Hawking youtube clip after the screening.

The Expendables 2 (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you thought the movie could’ve used more Terry Crews.

Take a Drink: when Van Damme shows up with an even thicker accent than you remember him having.

Take a Drink: knowing that Chuck Norris, even in his 70’s, can still kill the crap out of you.

Bonus #ChuckNorris Fact:

Charlie Sheen may have “tiger blood”, but Chuck Norris could have Sheen’s blood right now – he just doesn’t feel like it. Yet.

The Expendables 2 (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

I’m not sure if I have an all time favorite action star. Sure, most people would pick Arnold or Stallone, but that would be too obvious for me. So would Bruce Lee – a guy most deserving of the favorite title. Maybe what I like more is the legend; the kind of action roles the actor chose, and how he handled them. In that case, I might pick Charles Bronson (seriously), if only for Death Wish 3.

All-time picks aside, most of the top action stars each have their own kind of awesome legend behind them. And, when you get them in one big movie together…

A legend, Mr. Wayne…

The Expendables 2 is probably the movie I’ve reviewed for MovieBoozer that has the least amount of plot. Sure, there’s something about revenge and stopping a guy from selling some plutonium, but that’s not what the film cares about, or what it wants the audience to care about; it’s concerned with images of the famous and most popular action heroes of all time standing side by side shooting the biggest guns possible. THAT’S. IT. And, you know what? That’s all it needs to be.

A Toast

For me, an action movie is best when it is completely ridiculous. Now, what we get here isn’t 80’s style fun, but it does have its share of over-the-top-ness; LOTS of blood spurts, people getting gunned to pieces, one-liners are thrown out, a few villains get decapitated, etc. If your movie lacks much of an excuse to exist, you better give me something to look at.

Arnold deserves some recognition here. Having just come off of a political run, we finally get to see him doing what comes naturally. Before the movie, a trailer for The Last Stand gave me a taste of what he has in store. It ought to be killer.

Oh, and Chuck-Fucking Norris; a crazy conservative in real life, but an action star with such a badass legend – makes and delivers in the best possible way an actual #ChuckNorrisFact! This, to me, was worth the ticket price alone!

All true, and all deadly

Beer Two

I never saw the first movie in the franchise, but I got this feeling that it was somehow the better written of the two. While the above stuff is great and all, the rest of the movie is made up of wink wink moments meant for nothing more than nostalgia exploitation. It might as well have been called Aging Action Stars Shoot at Shit 2: Catchphrases Get Spouted Off as Well. Whoever “wrote” this got the easiest paycheck ever.

The only real “story” in the movie is given to Liam Hemsworth, and he gives a performance worthy of Paul Walker (Fail). Good thing the other guys look good carrying guns and making quips.

Beer Three

Even though he’s only starring and not directing this time, Stallone gets the majority of screen time. He also gets many scenes where all he does is stare off into the distance and think really hard. Cause we didn’t get enough of that in Rocky Balboa or Rambo 4 (both great flicks). At one point, Stallone tells Statham that he has a big ego. Hmmm.

No Ego Here…

Verdict

It really is too bad that the late Charles Bronson wasn’t in it. Though I bet all we’d see him do is shoot at random bad guys and smile at the camera. Hey – it is what it is.

Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you thought the movie could’ve used more Terry Crews.

Take a Drink: when Van Damme shows up with an even thicker accent than you remember him having.

Take a Drink: knowing that Chuck Norris, even in his 70’s, can still kill the crap out of you.

Bonus #ChuckNorris Fact:

Charlie Sheen may have “tiger blood”, but Chuck Norris could have Sheen’s blood right now – he just doesn’t feel like it. Yet.

Hope Springs (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Remember my American Reunion review? In it, I spoiled the final scene of the film, where Eugene Levy gets a blowjob while watching a flick – a gag that made me gag. After that experience, I assured myself that there HAS to be a way to pull that kind of sequence off with a bit of class.

One way to do it is by casting Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones.

Hope Springs tells the story of a married couple in a rut. Meryl wants passion back in her relationship, but Tommy is fine with how things are. In comes Dr. Steve Carell, whose book on marriage inspires Meryl to take Tommy with her to a small town for some counseling. Will the emotional hard ass husband open up?

Alternate synopsis: Meryl Streep attempts to bed Tommy Lee Jones for 90 minutes. Seriously.

Sometimes, it’s ALL about the casting.

A Toast

A simple story can be made watchable just by the right choice of actor. Meryl Streep, as always, is great. Somehow, she glows in almost every role she takes. I don’t know what her method is, but it’s the key to making this movie work.

Steve Carell is good as well, giving a light hearted effort in a movie he didn’t really need to be in. Actually, it was kind of odd to see him here – normally, he’s an average joe / unassuming guy caught up in goofy scenarios. But, I’m glad he showed up for this.

Beer Two

Sometimes, casting isn’t everything.

A simple story, even with a good cast, is still a simple story. The movie treads on familiar territory, which makes things very predictable. It all follows a formula of something better than the Lifetime Channel, but not quite good enough for a $10 ticket. Yes, Meryl is wonderful – got anything else besides that and generic wedding reception dj music?

Beer Three

Sometimes, casting can hurt.

Tommy Lee Jones is a great actor and all, but man… Sure, he did a fine enough job, but every time he was on screen, I imagined Two Face from Batman Forever and the prison warden from Natural Born Killers. I guess what I’m saying is I had a hard time taking Tommy seriously. This is one of those cases where the problem is on my end, but if you happen to watch this, try seeing his performance through my eyes; it WILL be hard not to imagine him with crap on half his face and a weird hairdo.

Beer Four

I mentioned something earlier about oral sex in a movie theater, right? Well…

>>>>>>>>>>SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<< Meryl Streep tries to give Tommy Lee Jones head during a French film. Now, the scene is played out awkwardly, as the characters really don’t know how to do such a thing, and it’s really quite harmless – thanks in large part to the actors involved. But still, it happened. >>>>>>>>>>END SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

Verdict

Would make for a fine Redbox recommendation for your mother or in laws. *Sigh* I’m watching Expendables 2 later this week. That ought to balance this out.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when you see Meryl for the first time. Doesn’t she look great?

Take a Drink: because Tommy Lee Jones once played Two Face.

Take a Drink: knowing that an older couple may have had sex in your theater seat.

Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Earlier this year, I saw a re-envisioned fairy tale called Mirror Mirror, a movie which I rather enjoyed. Earlier today, I saw the teaser trailer to the re-envisioned fairy tale Oz: The Great and Powerful, which I also liked. And earlier this month, I saw a VISIONARY fairy tale called Beasts of the Southern Wild.

Wait, what? Something NOT based on popular source material? AND it’s an independent film?

Yep. And it might just be a Best Picture candidate.

Set in a terrain that most adults would find difficult to raise a child – a makeshift neighborhood of scraps and junk, built upon a bayou just outside of New Orleans, affectionately called The Bathtub – Beasts follows the journey of a little girl named Hushpuppy and a community of misfit outcasts holding on to their way of life. A storm comes in more ways than one, and it is up to our six year old heroine to put the universe back together.

She can handle whatever you throw at her.

A Toast

I was fortunate enough to attend the New Orleans premiere of this years Camera d’Or winner a few weeks ago, and I can safely say, you will NOT see anything replicate this.

Indeed, I compared this to a fairy tale (and so have others), but this ain’t exactly Cinderella. Floods, explosions, ruins, death and large creatures surround Hushpuppy (the princess) and her community (kingdom / village). These obstacles would be enough to crush even an adult, let alone someone under ten. But, of course, a child’s imagination doesn’t have to be simply child like; they can conjure up images and emotions that could bring anybody to their knees.

And that’s just what we get here. Told completely from the point of view of Hushpuppy, we get everything she hears, sees and feels. Very rarely do I get to see an American film with a language of its own. After the screening, I tried to compare it to the works of other filmmakers, but no comparisons felt appropriate (maybe Pan’s Labyrinth, but even that doesn’t feel right). Behn Zeitlin has created something that is, frankly, in a league by itself. It is almost breathtaking at times.

Now, when you watch this, you will notice allusions to Hurricane Katrina – flooding, levees, rescue workers, etc. Some other critics have, I think, gone a tad too far in making this all about that storm and its aftermath. The images are certainly still fresh in our minds, and are used to dramatic affect here, but this story isn’t interested in taking a political side or in pointing fingers; it just wants the best for its inhabitants. Hopefully, you’ll want the same.

No review would be complete without mentioning the performance of the lead star, Quvenzhane Wallis. She is charming in person, and very strong in character. Hushpuppy needed to be a strong willed free spirit, while in the body of a fragile, vulnerable little girl. To find that combo must’ve been a difficult task for the casting director. Without Wallis, this movie would not have worked.

Verdict

Definitely on my top ten list for 2012, and should be on your list as well. I have a feeling that my words won’t do the movie much justice, but I hope that doesn’t deter you from seeking this out.

Include this film on your 2012 list.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Hushpuppy is called “man” by her dad.

Take a Drink: if you want to move to The Bathtub

Do a Shot: if you liked Rock of Ages. Yes, that one IS unrelated, but still…

They were drunk when they made it; were you when you saw it?

Ice Age: Continental Drift (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Four Beers) -
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I don’t go and see animated kids movies that often. Of course, in the event that I do, I prefer something like a Pixar film – a great story with great characters, animation and a respect for the audience. That being said (or written), there are some animated movies from other studios coming out this year that look pretty fun. ParaNorman and Wreck-it Ralph both look equally good, and probably won’t disappoint (stay tuned for those reviews).

For some reason, a mediocre animated kids movie annoys me more than a P.O.S. live action movie. I don’t have much of an explanation – it’s just a fact.

In Ice Age: Continental Drift, we follow Ray Romano, Dennis Leary and John Leguizamo in prehistoric animal costumes, as they are separated from their herd during the continental drift. In an attempt to get back home, they have to confront ice ship pirates and… those were costumes they were wearing, right? Isn’t that true?

Costume design has gotten great, hasn’t it?

A Toast

Well, the animation was pretty slick, as was the 3D (which is how I watched it). And the kids in the audience seemed to like it. I can’t say the same about the parents, though. Maybe as long as the children were happy, they were happy as well.

Also worthy of a toast is the squirrel. I love that guy. Why hasn’t he gotten a feature film film deal?

He deserves a solo feature.

Beer Two

Like most animated kids movie schlock, IA4 features famous comedians and musicians, reading hack lines in a barely interested way. Jennifer Lopez AND Queen Latifah? Wow. What a catch. Really, the studio could’ve grabbed anybody off the street for this. They don’t emote, they just feign emotion. Of course, the writing doesn’t really give them a chance to stretch their talents, so maybe it’s not entirely their fault. Nothing wrong with phoning it in at work every now and then, right?

Beer Three

Why was this movie made? Didn’t they have a sequel titled The Meltdown? Shouldn’t THAT have been the end of the series? The first Ice Age was pretty good, why pull a Land before Time and crash this franchise into a brick wall at top speeds? Do you really need money that badly, Hollywood?

Beer Four

My experience at this screening was ruined by an old b!@$%. Sure, it wasn’t the movie’s fault, but…no, it was the movies fault – if it didn’t exist, this wouldn’t have happened. I put a placeholder on my seat so I could get refreshments, and when I came back, this old lady was sitting in my seat. “These seats are taken!” she quickly exclaimed. I told her she was in my reserved seat, and she said “Well, I didn’t know that!” even though she took the damn time to move my place holder. So, because of this, I had to watch a 3D animated film in the FIRST ROW! At least the screening was free, but too bad they didn’t sell booze.

Screw you, lady!

Verdict

You know, I wasn’t looking forward to this one, but I guess it wasn’t painful. Just really annoying. Instead of taking your kid to this, go rent Up or Who Framed Roger Rabbit? or something. Harry and the Hendersons worked well with my young cousins.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Manny states that he must make it home.

Take a Drink: whenever you recognize another member of the massive voice cast

Do a Shot: if you were rooting for the squirrel (bless him).

Do a Shot: knowing that you’ll be watching this with your kids. I feel for ya.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Four Beers)
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

What would you do knowing that the world would end in a few weeks? Go to church? Get laid? Call those parents you rarely talk to?

Believe it or not, I’d probably just do what I always do; watch movies. Sure, spending time with family and friends would be on my list, but the idea of a world without movies is just too depressing for me – I’m gonna get my fill while I still can, dammit! Maybe I’ll even try to preserve some for future audiences; like Citizen Kane and Men at Work.

The future will thank me.

Or maybe I’d just do what Steve Carell does. In Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Steve plays an insurance salesman (a job which REALLY has no meaning after the revelation of the end of the world) whose wife has just left him after the announcement is made that mankind’s last effort to stop an asteroid from hitting Earth has failed. His coworkers mope, his friends party hard and strangers begin to riot, but he remains uneasily calm. Escaping the chaos with a plucky neighbor (Keira Knightley), he goes on a road trip to find his old high school flame, and make some of those important life decisions he kept putting off until the last minute (literally).

A Toast

If the world really were about to end, I’d want to be around someone like Steve Carell. He has such a calming and even reassuring presence that even a worry wart like me would relax. That, and he’s pretty funny.

He and Keira Knightley – who I felt before watching this might’ve been miscast – share an onscreen relationship that is very sweet and lovely for the time given. If the world were to end, I’d also want to be around her.

A face to die with.

Beer Two

I thought this was going to be a comedy with a bit of drama. Instead, it was a drama with a bit of comedy. The first part is definitely funny, but at some point early in the middle, the movie begins to ooze sap. I mean, really thick sap. Sure, the world is ending, and with that comes a lot of amends making, hugs and crying, but for a story that started off with a creatively spun (and even realistically performed) premise, to dive into tearjerker territory (adults were crying in the rows behind me) is just really disappointing.

Beer Three

I mentioned above the adults in the theater with me were crying. I was the youngest person in the room. It was awkward enough to deserve a beer of its own.

Beer Four

In a few past reviews, I included a section where I SPOIL the story a bit. If you don’t mind, I’d like to continue that trend:

>>>>>>>>>>SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

The movie reaches its climax when Steve and Keira, after finding romance with one another, find Steve’s dad, a pilot. Steve puts a sleeping Keira in the plane, and sends her off to be with her family abroad.

Steve returns to his apartment, and waits for the world to end. He goes to Keira’s apartment, and spends his last night listening to her record collection. This is where the movie SHOULD’VE ended.

Keira comes rushing in, explaining that she forced Steve’s dad to turn back. The couple then ride out the apocalypse by laying on a bed, staring in to each other’s eyes. The movie then ends with Keira’s smiling face dissolving into (I’m not kidding) white light…

>>>>>>>>>>END SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

Nothing that Bruce Willis can’t handle.

Verdict

This could’ve been so much better. Instead of being a smart adult comedy with some dramatic weight, it went for a Kleenex tissue to the face approach, and ended up just being blah. Though, your older relatives might like it, so…

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: in honor of the first 30 minutes.

Take a Drink: whenever someone does something they wouldn’t have if the world wasn’t ending

Take a Drink: if you’re a survivalist, and actually expect to survive an asteroid.

Do a Shot: if you disagree with me that Men at Work shouldn’t be preserved for future humans – YOU ARE WRONG!

The Avengers (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast)
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

I used to collect comic books. Yes, I admit it. I got swept up in the fantasy of characters with unique abilities beyond those of normal people, fighting over exaggerated villains in an effort to save their hometown, and in some cases, the world. I mostly focused on the Superman comics – during the period of time when he became pure energy (I was probably one of the few that liked that story arc) – but I certainly hadn’t chosen a side in the DC vs. Marvel fight. Why pigeonhole yourself to just one brand?

Never got my hands on that issue.

My collection eventually stopped – only a little more than a handful of issues remain. Was this just a passing fancy? I think, personally, I just yearned for something more; something to give the pages a new life in my eyes, without insulting my devotion to the mythology. In the last decade, we’ve seen movies that range from bastardized toy commercials to unique creative interpretations. But, have we seen the best that comic book movies can be?

If we haven’t yet, The Avengers might just be it. The culmination of millions of dollars in production budgets and years of origin stories, this story has HIGH expectations:

After finding his way out of a cosmic abyss (as seen in Thor), Loki (Tom Hiddleston) makes a play and captures the Tesseract (as seen in Captain America: The First Avenger) – a cube of energy that could prove dangerous if in the wrong hands – from S.H.I.E.L.D. (as seen in all previous Marvel Cinematic Universe films). Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) is forced to restart the Avengers Initiative – a program to bring together Earth’s mightiest heroes – in a last ditch effort to get the cube back and stop Loki from leading an alien army.

Of course, this means that Fury must bring together a group of people who probably shouldn’t be in the same room together; Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), CaptainAmerica(Chris Evans), Dr. Bruce Banner AKA The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner). Can these heroes put their difference aside and conquer their own inner problems in time to save the world?

A Toast

Have you ever had an awesome-gasm? … Did I just invent a new word to describe a movie?

HULK SMASH EXPECTATIONS!

With a cast of characters and actors this big, you would think things might get a bit muddled. But, with lots of clever photography, editing and dialogue, everything works out. Each hero – even Hawkeye and Black Widow – gets time to shine. And I don’t just mean moments where they look pretty and badass; each hero has personality and conflict. We actually get a little bit of depth here! It could have easily been a dumb action film, but instead chose to be a really good comic book.

Marvel could’ve easily picked a team of hack writers and a yes man director to helm this project, expecting to make their money back on brand recognition alone. Instead, they picked a fan friendly writer/director who understands how the audience feels about these characters, and really delivered something special. Sure, the depth I described doesn’t go into superhero psychology levels, but it’s exactly where we need it to be. This really is just about perfect.

Create a Drink

At one point in the film, Loki is offered a drink. He turns it down, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. Just for fun, come up with your own Loki inspired beverage (but be safe about it). Some people at the midnight screening I attended were dressed as their favorite characters; why not pay homage to them in liquid courage form?

Verdict

Comic book movies rarely get any better than this. This isn’t to knock the other superhero flicks coming out this year (they’ll probably be great for different reasons), but the bar has been reset. Maybe the genre should be split into comic book, graphic novel and one off categories, in an effort to better tell the good from the bad? All I know for sure is, I feel like dusting off my old Action Comics issues.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every clever line/zinger.

Take a Drink: every time the Avengers laugh in the face of physics, just because they can

Take a Drink: if you felt this movie did a better job with Thor and Loki than Thor did.

Do a Shot: when you understand that an awesome-gasm is perfectly normal, especially in public.

You don’t have to blame it on ectoplasm anymore.

Last Call

There are not just one, but two post-credit sequences.  Stick around for a peek at the villains of the next installment, as well as a final laugh.

Safe (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
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Back in January, I wrote a piece on my blog which listed a few movies that I predicted would be bad based on their trailers alone. I think it’s safe to say that I was right about Skyline, but Safe? What appeared to be a cookie cutter excuse to see Jason Statham kick people? Well…

…I was wrong. How could this be? It looked like something you’d find at a discounted price in a Big Lots bin. It had all the elements to go wrong, but it ended up being just right. Maybe I should go back and amend my blog entry.

A book I should probably read.

In the film, Jason Statham stars as an ex cage fighter (yes!) with a mysterious special ops past. His life ruined by the Russian mob, Jason lives as a hobo on the verge of suicide. But, before he can do himself in, he ends up protecting a little Chinese girl from corrupt cops, the Chinese and Russian mobs. Can Jason save his soul by saving this girl?

A Toast

First off, this is Jason Statham at his best. The title of this film ought to be The Stath Wrecks Your Shit; almost every character gets shot at or punched by him. He even runs over a poor guy twice. And his most glorious moment? On a subway train, after beating up a gang of Russians, he holds one at gun point. The Russian asks “The garbage collector? You?” (This Russian was one of the guys that put him in his current situation. He also thought he used to be a garbage man). Statham smiles a bit, and responds (I’m gonna paraphrase) “Nah mate. You got the wrong information. I didn’t collect garbage – I disposed of it.” And he blows the guy the fuck away. I wanted to stand up and applaud such a line of dialogue.

+ a good quip = applause

Second, this was shot and edited really well. Surprising, considering it’s B movie story. This might be because of the director Boaz Yakin, who previously worked on the incredible Fresh. I think he wanted to have some fun in doing a Statham fest, while also adding some fancy filmmaking techniques. Props to the opening 15 minutes; they did a great job of establishing the story’s two lead characters.

Beer Two

Unfortunately, for a flick with a director and a star willing to get their hands dirty, the action doesn’t get ridiculous enough. I mean, Statham beats people up, sure, and the gun battles are cool, but where are the rocket launchers? With a story like this, I want really cheesy dialogue and incredibly unnecessary violence. Give me Death Wish 3 and I’m happy.

Go big or go home.

Beer Three

>>>>>>>>>>SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

Jason meets up with Alex, an ex member of his vague special ops team, to make an exchange for the girl. They chat for a bit, and end up squaring off for hand to hand combat.

See, in a scene just prior to this, it’s established that Alex – a character whose importance is not mentioned until around here – is as good or better than Jason is at fighting. So, this could very well be the greatest fight ever! Will Jason win this final pseudo cage without a cage fight? Will Jason lo…

The girl grabs a gun and knee caps Alex. Jason then grabs his gun, and blows the guys brains out (????).

>>>>>>>>>>END SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<

Verdict

This is classic Jason Statham. Sure, it doesn’t go as far as I would’ve liked, but it is what it is, and that’s ok.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever a gun is fired (might cause poisoning, so be careful).

Take a Drink: for each laugh out loud moment that did happen, and each laugh out loud moment that could’ve happened.

Do a Shot: if you imagine Charles Bronson in Jason’s spot.

I Ran Against Us (2009) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
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Almost four years into the Presidency of Barack Obama, it’s kinda hard for me to remember what things were like under George W. Bush. Sure, I remember the wars, the fear, the abuse, the scandals and the ‘isms’. And yes, many of his policies have moved on to our current administration (to my disappointment). But, and I’m not sure exactly why, I feel as though it all happened decades ago; in some distant past I can barely remember.

Who?

I Ran Against Us, an independent film straight from NewOrleans (shout out), succeeds in jogging my memory.

In this story,AmericaandIranare inching close to war. When Mahmoud Ahmadinejad threatens our country with a nuke, Bush is forced to give in to one absurd demand; that Jon and Sandy get back together. With the guidance of a Patriot Act-loving federal agent, the two former lovers must find their spark, before the evil doers find theirs.

A Toast

It took one moment early on for me to remember the Bush era, and with a strange level of fondness; when Jon is given a makeshift water boarding with a Styrofoam cup’s worth of water and a damp cloth, both applied in rapid order. The federal agents in this movie, lead by Focal (Ladson Deyne), provide some of the best political satire I’ve seen in years; a spinoff might be in order.

Also worth noting is Leanne Cochran asSandy. She makes her character – who is put in quite a position – very relatable and down to earth, amidst a rather ridiculous backdrop. Very good.

Beer Two

On the back of the DVD I was given, it says in the first sentence that this movie has “a quirky Cold War-era vibe”. This works well considering the story and setting. However, the copy I viewed was in color. This might only be an issue for me as a previous version of the film was in black and white – a presentation that better fits the vibe they were going for. Again, this is probably not a beer worthy problem, but I just feel a little let down that they opted to colorize this.

I Heart B&W

Beer Three and a Swig

Despite the wonderful political satire, the movie relies HEAVILY on juvenile humor. For me, this kind of comedy had better be treated with kid gloves. Otherwise, it becomes painful to watch. As examples, Jon’s best friend constantly makes dick jokes (in just about EVERY scene he’s in),Sandy’s current boyfriend’s catchphrase is ‘bra’ and everybody says ‘fuck’ WAY too much. If these things were more subdued, I probably would’ve enjoyed the movie much more.

I prefer the soft kind (subtlety) to the hard stuff (obnoxious).

If you are bothered by the fact that only a handful of federal agents (and zero journalists) are dispatched to deal with a national threat, take a swig of your choice of hard liquor.

Verdict

While not perfect, I Ran Against Us features some very funny political satire, and a charming at times romance. Visit www.iranagainstus.com for DVD info.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Brad says ‘bra’.

Take a Drink: if you wish Focal would just taser the crap out of Burnsy.

Do a Shot: because at least Bush is no longer President*

*meant to ignite a war of words in the comments section.

American Reunion (2012) DVD / Blu-Ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Five Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

During my stay at Southeastern Louisiana University, I caught a theatrical production of the Aristophanes play “Lysistrata”. Modernized to include characters like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, the play was about a group of wives who withhold sex from their husbands in an effort to avert war. I remember writing a fairly positive review (mostly because the director was my teacher), thinking it wasn’t so bad. When I asked a good friend of mine about it, he referred to it as merely a collection of “dick and fart jokes”. At that, I thought to myself, “Man, sex and toilet humor have been around forever, haven’t they?”

In the fourth (not counting the Direct to DVD spinoffs) installment of the series, American Reunion sees our main characters Jim, Kevin, Finch, the returning Oz and the forever awesome Stiffler return home for their thirteen year (what?) high school reunion. Over the course of the reunion, they will cross paths with old flames, solve any current existential crisis they may have and, of course, watch Stiffler shit in a teenager’s beer cooler.

A Toast

For what was billed as the final installment of the series (look it up), I have to say it leaves a bad last impression. I know that this section is for what I DID like, but you have to know that finding something likable in this was difficult for me.

Well, Stiffler’s story arc – as a former popular guy turned temp worker – was particularly interesting, and I have to say that I felt good for him when he found a solution to his problem (as well as getting a little payback from an incident in the original film, in a good cameo by Rebecca De Mornay).

The only thumbs up this movie gets

The return of Oz was good, and it was nice to see him deal with his slutty model girlfriend while trying to rekindle the spark with his old flame. Moments like that were desperately missing, and replaced with…

Beer Two

This sequel doesn’t let you forget the fact that the original happened. It’s almost two hours of non-stop nostalgia, call backs and references to the first (and best) film of the series. It crosses the line of subtlety early on, and just becomes obnoxious. It’s like in that movie From Paris with Love, when John Travolta’s bald head looks over at his partner, and says he loves a good Royale with Cheese. LOL! Cause he said that in Pulp Fiction! Stop referencing a better movie – it only reminds me how bad this one is.

You didn’t like my Pulp Fiction reference?

Beer Three

Not just concentrated on reminding you of the better moments of the franchise, American Reunion also focuses on relentless raunchiness. Yes, the series is kind of known for these type of jokes, but they were balanced with a good bit of heart. Clerks 2 had a donkey show, but it was also about two characters you cared about, with problems you could relate to. Here, a woman booty dances on Chris Klein for the sake of booty dancing on Chris Klein and we get an unnecessary close up shot of Jason Biggs’s (or a stunt double’s) penis (the nudity isn’t the issue, but the shot is). There are too few real and far too many fake sentimental moments for these things to be forgiven. Give me something with humanity, not just a parody of humanity. You CAN be dirty while being heartfelt, you know. What, was this ghost written by Michael Bay?

Maybe I’m too old, and just don’t get what makes the kids laugh these days…

Beers Four and Five

The end credits ending. Yes, I’m going to spoil it for you.

>>>>>>>>>SPOILERS<<<<<<<<<<<

It features Jim’s Dad – the lovably awkward and sentimental father figure who had to put a normal face on the crazy situations – and Stiffler’s Mom on a date in a movie theater. He puts his arm around her, and she proceeds to give him head under the popcorn. He makes odd faces as the popcorn moves up and down. He climaxes, and remarks about the movie being quite good.

>>>>>>>>END SPOILERS<<<<<<<

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Verdict

I wish I could recommend this as good raunchy fun, but it’s just not. If you want a good slap in the face, by all means, purchase a ticket. In the meantime, I’m going to look up some more Aristophanes.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: if you were expecting something with a bit more heart.

Take a Drink: when you start feeling embarrassed for the actors.

Do a Shot: because Stiffler eating a dog turd in American Wedding was NOT the lowest moment of the series.

Mirror Mirror (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Two Beers) -
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“Say hello to my little friend!” was cut from the movie! “Say hello to my little friend!” was cut from the movie!

The above is a reference to the god-awful use of the famous “Scarface” line in the trailer for the film about to be reviewed. Despite the pretty look of the footage, I couldn’t get that line – spoken by one of the seven dwarves in a HI-larious way – out of my head. Unless you’re one of the writers of Epic Movie, you should know better than to script such dialogue. To my undying gratitude, this line was cut. You know, sometimes, it’s not what’s IN a movie that makes me smile, but what’s CUT OUT of a movie…

Only he can pull that line off.

The first theatrical Snow White adaptation of the year, directed by the man who recently brought us Immortals, tells the story of, well, Snow White (Lily Collins) – though, the Queen (Julia Roberts) would prefer it be about her. The Queen has isolated Snow from the rest of the land ever since the disappearance of the King, and has treated the people very unfairly. Snow has put up with the Queen long enough, and, with the help of a band of thieves and a love-struck Prince (Armie Hammer), will try and take back the crown.

A Toast

Mirror Mirror is almost perfect, and it’s not just because it looks pretty. Yes, the production design is wonderful, as are the costumes. But this is more than just eye candy – which was all Immortals had going for it. This is a very charming adventure story that, I feel, can be enjoyed by all ages. Lily Collins is cute, Armie Hammer is dashing and Julia Roberts plays a bitch rather well.

When rating the film on Flixster, I found it odd that most of the comments were negative. Some complained that Julia overacted, while others said that the story was unoriginal. I really disagree with these sentiments. Julia played up the vain Queen well enough (though maybe more evil would’ve helped). And the story being unoriginal? This is a fairly clever twist on a familiar fairy tale, much like that Drew Barrymore movie Ever After. If this adaptation is indeed a carbon copy of another work (I don’t follow fairy tales that often), I suggest you not worry about it, and let the whimsy wash over you.

Relax and enjoy.

Beer Two

While watching the movie, I couldn’t help but imagine if it took a major risk; if it had instead been presented as either a silent film or a musical. The visuals and the music worked SO well, I started seeing title cards replacing the dialogue in the theater of my mind. And it worked!

This would’ve made for a great musical as well – maybe not a traditional Meet Me in St. Louis musical, but perhaps one with repurposed songs. The end credits have a joyous and lovely performance that had me wishing for more. Again, with such visuals, music and actors, it could’ve worked.

Of course, neither of those would fly in today’sHollywood. One can always wonder, though.

Silence didn’t hurt Alice…

Verdict

A wonderful score, lovely visuals, a fun adventure and minimal kiddie humor make Mirror Mirror a delightful surprise. Don’t be ashamed if you find yourself jumping up and down in your seat with the other children.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when you wonder what Terry Gilliam would’ve done with the same material (though Tarsem did a great job).

Take a Drink: if you imagined this movie as a silent.

Take a Drink: for every musical sequence

Take a Drink: every time Julia Roberts says something catty

Drink a Shot: for when you see Sean Bean – He’s in this movie?

Tyler Perry's Good Deeds (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

Of the two movies that I was assigned to view for this month (the first being Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance), this was the one I was least looking forward to. Now, before this, I had never seen a Tyler Perry movie in full – just clips of him in drag and promoting some TBS show. Based on that alone, I kind of assumed that this wouldn’t be my cup of tea.

In Good Deeds, Tyler Perry plays Wesley Deeds, a very successful CEO, in the midst of an existential crisis; his life is perfect on the surface – rich, hot fiancée, etc – but he’s not sure if it is what he truly wants. Lindsey (Thandie Newton), a single mom who works as a night janitor at Deeds’ building, is going through troubles herself; she’s homeless, penniless and desperate. Things change, however, when Wesley and Lindsey’s paths cross. Can they both learn a little something from meeting one another?

A Toast

If there is one thing that I can pull from this movie, it’s that Tyler Perry is extremely likable. Sure, part of it is that he’s playing the ultimate gentleman, but you get the feeling that outside of the film, he’s probably a good guy. This was confirmed when audience members cheered him on when he danced to a 2Pac song.

I bet he’s a nice fella

Phylicia Rashad deserves credit for giving a surprisingly stone cold performance in the beginning. The way she stared at her sons was icy.

Also, this is the kind of movie your mother may like; the kind that she would like to take her sisters and nieces to go and see.

Beer Two

This is melodrama at its most schmaltzy. The characters are highly emotional, almost to the point of being unrealistic, specifically Walter, the rude, anger prone brother. There is rarely a scene in this movie where emotions aren’t high. And then the ending’s use of the song “Right Here Waiting”…you’re just trying to make me cry, aren’t you, Mr. Perry?

Beer Three

As an #OWS supporter, I just couldn’t get into Wesley’s “problems”. He’s a wealthy CEO with a life most people would just kill for; I’m supposed to feel for him because this isn’t what he wants? Yes, I’m glad that he helps out a poor family, and yes I was happy that what happened at the ending (no spoilers here) happened, but I just couldn’t care for Wesley’s existential plight because he can afford to change it; something most people can’t do.

Beer Four

Believe it or not, this movie shares much with The Room. Yes, THAT The Room:

-         Both movies are headlined by their respective writer/director/producer.

-         Both are set in and have many unnecessary establishing shots of San Francisco(though Good Deeds was shot inAtlanta).

-         Both are melodramas (The Room tries to be, anyways).

-         And both expose just how wonderful and good the main character/actor is.

I wonder what would have happened had Tommy Wiseau been cast…

Oh hi, melodrama!

Verdict

Not as bad as I thought it was gonna be, but still not very good. However, your mothers and aunts will probably love it, and that’s ok.

She ought to love this.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time Walter gets emotional.

Take a Drink: every time Lindsey gets emotional.

Drink a Shot: to make sure YOU don’t get emotional.

Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Six Pack) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

They warned me on twitter, and they warned me here on MovieBoozer. Stubbornly, I went ahead anyways.

The trailer looked good. The behind the scenes footage looked surreal. The directors were cool. The actor was crazy. All of this should add up to a fun flick, right?

Nope. They were right, and I was wrong.

I should’ve listened…

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance finds Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) hiding out in Eastern Europe, trying to keep the satanic curse that plagues him – transforming into the Ghost Rider – at bay. An opportunity to lift the curse is presented to him, provided that he prevent the devil from entering the body of a young boy. And…that’s it, really. A bad guy or two shows up, some fights happen, etc.

A Toast

Neveldine/Taylor get some credit here. Outside of the extremely bare-bones story and impatient “let’s get this movie over with already” pace, the directors provide us with in your face photography, some playful comedy, and bizarre moments that I would expect from a Nine Inch Nails music video. If they had let more of that crazy out instead of saving it for a few scenes, I probably would just stop the review here.

Also worth noting is the performance of…Ciaran Hinds (I bet you thought it was gonna be Nicolas Cage). Hinds was genuinely creepy here as the devil, though I’m not sure what did it; his stroke victim appearance, his voice, or his stare. I really wanted to see Moreau (Idris Elba) get the best of him (I bet you thought I was gonna say Ghost Rider).

Beer Two

This movie should be called requel – it happens to be the second in a series, but it also rewrites the events of the first movie. Character motivations, names, and appearances are different. This is fine when doing a reboot or something, but when you cast the same actor as the same lead character from before, it just makes things confusing (watch the Highlander films). You might enjoy this more if you never saw the first one (might, of course).

Beer Three

Nicolas Cage almost always delivers an entertaining performance. However, aside from playing Johnny Blaze as if he were still on the set of Bad Lieutenant, Cage just kind of goes through the motions here. Yes, he tries to push his skull through his face a few times, but it seems pretty forced; it felt like he was giving an impersonation of a Nicolas Cage performance, instead of being genuinely crazy. And his delivery of the narration dialogue is devoid of any personality. Considering the directors involved, not to mention the subject matter, this is a huge disappointment.

How I felt during the movie.

Beers Four, Five AND Six

I’m gonna wrap things up here, and just suggest you pour the next three beers into a funnel and shotgun from there.

The biggest problem with the movie is the character of Johnny Blaze. Normally, the protagonist in a superhero film is someone we grow to care about. But I just can’t say the same about Blaze.

The best reason why might be that I’m not given good reason to care about Johnny’s plight. Here, his motivation is to rid himself of his powers (even though in the previous film, he accepts the abilities for good. But remember, this is a requel) and live a normal life. He claims that he can’t control the demon, and that bad things can happen to anyone. But, none of the good guys are harmed or in any real danger by his powers; he seems to be in control when beating up gangsters and other bad guys. What’s the problem?

In contrast, remember Spiderman 2? We get to see Peter Parker struggle with having a life and being a hero, and by the middle of the film, we understand why he backs away. In GR2, we see Johnny act like a heroin addict in withdrawal, bitching about non-existent negatives of having super powers. Meanwhile, Moreau, a supporting character, is trying to protect a boy from becoming the Anti Christ, hold onto his faith, and keep his alcoholism in check. If the movie had been about him instead, I wouldn’t have wanted to walk out of the theatre.

Verdict

Six beers might be one too many, but considering that I was expecting a fun, somewhat dark, Nic Cage ridiculous fest, and got instead an urge to go to sleep…

Looks like a good idea.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when you start to think that a DVD Extended/Director’s Cut would be an improvement.

Take a Drink: whenever you feel Nicolas Cage is almost out of place.

Drink a Shot: When you realized you could’ve gotten a free ticket to this, but paid for it instead.

Haywire (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every kick Gina executes.

Take a Drink: if you think it’s funny that anybody would dare mess with her.

Take a Drink: if you liked the ending as much as I did.

Read the full Haywire (2012) Review

Haywire (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast)
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.  

Remember that Howie Long movie called Firestorm? How about Paparazzi, the Mel Gibson-produced Cole Hauser film?  Both movies (known as vehicles) were meant to build the leading men as action stars, ready to give the public heroes to cheer for. What they ended up doing, however, was provide awfully formulaic schlock that critics and audiences found uninteresting (a real shame for a guy like Cole). The red carpets and press conferences for the films were so optimistic…

Should’ve been called Misfire

For a new action star to be a success all the right elements have to be in play for their debut; an athletic and/or charismatic leading star, a decent story, a competent director and awesome action. Luckily for former MMA fighter Gina Carano, Haywire has all of this. Gina plays Mallory Kane; an ex Marine turned private contractor and all around badass. She specializes in dirty work and it’s her job to clean up the trash. Two missions into the movie and Mallory finds herself double crossed and on the run, with revenge on her mind. Typical spy plot? Yes. Typical execution? No.

A Toast

When you think action movie, Steven Soderbergh doesn’t really come to mind. His movies are usually slow moving, bold and clinical. But, not surprisingly, his style works really well for this story. For example, the fight scenes are without music. While some might think that a suspenseful score is required, doing it this way makes us focus much more on the brutal fight choreography. When the music is used, it evokes the feel of a 60’s or 70’s spy thriller, possibly one starring Bruce Lee.

He can do no wrong here.

I think that if another director had done this it would be very generic and boring. The story alone is pretty familiar, but the style gives it new life. Had some hack filmmaker given this a shot, it would feature music from Linkin Park, a former model as the lead, and faster fight scenes that are over the top and predictable. Nothing bold, and with no chances taken. This style is most effective in highlighting the positives of its new leading lady. Gina Carano is at her best when she is pummeling people with her bare fists. Watching her kick Michael Fassbender through glass is both forceful and worthy of the ticket price alone. She can run, she can fight, and she’s sexy – a great combo.

Looks that can, and will kill…

The only negative is her almost robotic line readings. I attribute this more to the character than the actress, as she’s playing a no-nonsense bone breaker. This is where the film’s style helps us out – by exposing us more to Gina’s skills as a fighter than as an “actress”, the movie is really giving her a chance to shine. I just hope that her next films do the same.

Verdict

Heavy on style, but in the case of a familiar story it is very welcome. An all-star cast getting punched and kicked half to death might just be the perfect endorsement for any new leading lady ever.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every kick Gina executes.

Take a Drink: if you think it’s funny that anybody would dare mess with her.

Take a Drink: if you liked the ending as much as I did.

Contraband (2012) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Three Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Part of being a movie reviewer is having to take the bad with the good; you don’t always get to see the films you want to see. All I knew about Contraband before buying a ticket was that it featured gangsters with duct tape wrapped faces, and included an unnecessary moment of slo-mo and CGI. Despite this goofiness from the trailers and TV spots, the movie exceeded my low expectations.

Imagine if your villains looked like this.

Chris Farraday (Mark Wahlberg) is an ex smuggler who has recently turned legitimate. But, of course, if you’re in a crime thriller and are an ex anything, you WILL be doing one last job. Chris is forced back into his old life by a local gangster (Giovanni Ribisi) who threatens not only his brother in law, but his wife (Kate Beckinsale) and kids. With the help of his best friend (Ben Foster) and a slightly rag tag crew of…

…well, you know the rest. And if you don’t, you should, because you’ve probably seen this movie a few times before, maybe under the name Gone in Sixty Seconds. It follows the typical crime thriller pattern pretty well, and makes no apologies for it. And you know what, it shouldn’t.

A Toast

This is perfect Hollywood South fodder. It is executed well all around, and has not only a lighthearted touch, but enough clever twists and turns that will keep you shoving popcorn in your mouth. This would make for a good safe video store pick, if only video stores still existed.

Worth a mention is the setting of New Orleans. Living only an hour away, I relish the opportunity to see a realistic take on life in The Big Easy. And, believe it or not, Contraband does that. The actors are clothed appropriately enough for the weather, they have believable jobs and, most importantly, aren’t all southern stereotypes. I HATE it when characters in a movie/tv show set in The Big Easy have gumbo parties, wear beads constantly, and have gravy thick accents. I’m glad a tourist didn’t write this film.

Beer Two

Mark Wahlberg plays a good guy trying to protect his family, yes, but he’s also a bit uncaring to the people whose lives he’s helped ruin. At one point, he is forced to crash into an armored vehicle, knowing full well the occupants will die soon after as a result. In another scene, he cleverly has a bad guy arrested, while knowing full well that this man has a daughter at home, who will probably end up in foster care. Now, I realize that he had no choice in the first scenario, and that the bad guy brought it all on himself in the second, but considering how smart his character is, couldn’t he have come up with a way to make it all right? I dunno. Maybe this isn’t deserving of a beer, but it just sits uneasy with me, especially after how well things turn out for him in the end. Just clutch your wife while you look at the beach, Mark – no need to have a conscience.

As long as life is good for you, right?

Beer Three

Why was Kate Beckinsale needed? Besides making a few phone calls and getting roughed up a couple of times, Kate does nothing other than provide Mark’s character reason to accomplish his goal. Her character could’ve easily been acted by an unknown local actress – would cost less and give this actress some experience. Nah, let’s just get that chick from Underworld to be in our movie. We’ll have her do next to nothing while using her name/looks to sell our film.

Just stand there, Kate. Perfect.

Verdict

It may cover familiar territory, but Contraband knows it’s way around the area. Works really well as a lazy Sunday flick.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for each moment you were able to predict correctly

Drink Twice: for each moment you predicted incorrectly

Drink a Shot: if you would still allow Ben Foster around your girlfriend after watching this film.

Drink a Shot: if you were as glad to see Lukas Haas as I was.

Image via Wikipedia

The Big Pitcher – Salò | 120 Days of Sodom – Ep.1

Summary:  MovieBoozer contributor Bill Arceneaux and co-host Patrick defend “Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom” from being labeled as pretentious rubbish. Specific scenes, duping college students into watching messed up movies and Eli Roth are all discussed in this pilot episode of  The Big Pitcher.

Mission: Impossible- Ghost Protocol (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Two Beers) –
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Tom Cruise is crazy. No, this isn’t because of his chosen religion; a “faith” based on science fiction writings about aliens being the cause of all our mental problems (to be fair, Star Wars is an official religion in some countries, so what do I know?). No, it’s not because of that. It’s because Tom Cruise, one of the most well-known movie stars of the modern era, risked life and limb by hanging from the world’s tallest building, with no stunt doubles, all for a movie. That makes him crazy. And awesome.

Perfectly Sane.

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, much like Tom’s crazy stunt, puts its characters in drastic situations with no safety nets. After a mission leads to the unexpected bombing of the Kremlin in Moscow, Ethan and his new team of IMF agents are disavowed by the U.S. Government, and sent on a last ditch operation to not only clear their names, but stop a nuclear war.

The new faces of the IMF.

A Toast

From a certain point of view, this can be thought of as an action packed re-imagining of Spies Like Us (with Tom in the Dan Aykroyd role, I think) – a team of spies must stop an extremist from detonating a missile over theU.S. and inciting World War 3. This idea made me laugh at times, especially how most politicians act like they’re still in the Cold War. But don’t take this as a deterrent – the action set pieces alone are enough to wipe away any funny flaws. From the skyscraper scene noted above (I could almost feel the wind hitting me) to an obstacle filled parking garage, no other action film this year can touch the daring stunts this movie has.

Filmed in jaw-dropping IMAX, the action sequences are creative and exciting. I really appreciated how the movie made use of real landscapes and real skyscrapers to take full advantage of the large format. I know that some digital effects and camera trickery had to be used at times, but overall, I was completely involved in what the characters (and actors for that matter) were being put through. And not to knock 3D, but I’m glad it wasn’t used for this. Maybe it’s because large format film has the ability to surround you and immerse you in the images without the need for glasses. Maybe it’s that large format film captures tiny details and blows them up big time (like a scar on Jeremy Renner’s face). Whatever the reason, it works.

Bigger IS better.

Beer Two

There were a few things that hit me in an odd way during the movie, but the one that really stuck out was the villain. Nicknamed Cobalt, this almost elderly looking man was able to outrun Ethan freaking Hunt on two occasions, and almost killed him in another. The man even throws himself off of a rail and survives! I’m guessing that there was a deleted scene where it’s revealed that Cobalt is actually an indestructible Terminator, sent from the future, with the objective to guarantee a nuclear holocaust. Boy, would that scene have explained a lot.

Verdict

For anybody that enjoys the spectacle the only cinema can provide, go see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. Say what you will about Tom Cruise, but his craziness comes in handy when he’s required to run across a skyscraper.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every time you realize that Tom Cruise is living larger than you ever will.

Take a Drink: every time Tom Cruise gets injured

Take a Drink: when you imagine Chevy Chase as an IMF agent.

Drink a Shot: if you weren’t glad to see Paula Patton in IMAX (becuase you should’ve been)

Cop Out (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Five Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

“Writing a nasty review for Cop Out is akin to bullying a retarded kid. All you’ve done is make fun of something that wasn’t doing you any harm and wanted only to give some cats some fun laughs.” – Kevin Smith

“As a reviewer and a brother to someone with autism, I’m slightly miffed. As someone who despises cats, I’m greatly offended.” – Bill Arceneaux

NYPD Cop Jimmy (Bruce Willis) needs money to pay for his daughter’s wedding. But, after being suspended without pay, he is forced to sell a very rare baseball card. One thing leads to another, and the card ends up in the hands of a vicious gang leader. Teaming with his unlikely partner Paul (Tracy Morgan), Jimmy will stop at nothing to put an end to the gang and get his card back.

A Toast

Cop Out reminded me of the kind of movies I used to watch when sick from school. There used to be a block of programming on Comedy Central before noon that would feature comedies such as Armed & Dangerous, Detective School Dropouts and any of the Police Academy films. Cop Out would’ve fit in well with my ‘at home from grade school’ programming. Of course, another way of putting this would be that the movie reminded me of all those times I was sick with a cold.

He’s looking for a better movie

Beer Two

One of the few things in this world that I find truly unforgivable is bad and lazy comedy. You don’t need to look any further than at Epic Movie, What’s Your Number? or Fox News’ Red Eye for examples of what I mean. The attempts at comedy in the first fifteen minutes pissed me off so much, I considered turning the movie off and completing the review based only on what I had seen. Seriously, almost all of the “jokes” fall completely flat and face first. It’s the films editing (by Kevin Smith), main villain, and final twenty minutes that save this from a worse grade.

It’s all a bit confusing to me. I mean, I know that Kevin Smith didn’t write this himself – he even acknowledges that it’s not “his” film, possibly absolving himself of any fault – but he still should’ve realized that what was on paper was bad. A directorial rewrite would’ve been nice.

Beer Three

I like Tracy Morgan. His time on SNL and 30 Rock have brought about many laughs from me. But man, does he go overboard here. Essentially, he’s just rehashing his character from 30 Rock, and multiplying it by ten. In no universe, or even in a fantasy, would his character have been a cop for as long as he’s supposed to have been. It’s either poor casting or poor direction. Probably both.

Beer Four

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Bruce Willis look as bored being in a movie than I did watching his performance in this one.  He probably had a P.A. standing by with a Red Bull just in case he fell asleep. Very entertaining.

An Untouchable joke

Beer Five

In one hi – larious scene, Jimmy and Paul are confronted by two other cops. After being teased, Jimmy answers his phone, to find Paul on the other end. They then make jokes about the two other cops, with Paul concluding that a movie was made about them called The UnFuckables. Funny.

Verdict

This isn’t the worst thing in the world, and probably didn’t deserve the kind of critical bashing it received, but Kevin, this is STILL BAD. No matter. I can still sit back and enjoy Clerks 2.

Sorry Kev.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: when Tracy Morgan does something he would do on 30 Rock (not recommended)

Take a Drink: whenever Bruce Willis looks like he’s about to fall over.

Take a Shot: every time you want to throw something at the screen, but decide it’s not worth destroying your TV.

Immortals (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.   

Sometimes, for me to recommend a film, it need only succeed at one thing. This thing can be most anything, from a specific casting choice to the director purposefully messing with the audience. Basically, if I like that one thing enough, I can ignore any other problems the movie may have. Is that shallow?

Zeus and the other Gods are in trouble. Their rule and existence are both put in danger when King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) threatens to unleash their greatest foes – the Titans. Unable to interfere in human affairs (in God-like form, anyways), Zeus puts his faith in a peasant named Theseus (Henry Cavill), the only one He believes that can defeat the evil King. Can Theseus do what the Gods ask of him before it’s too late? This is the general gist of Immortals.

A Toast

When I looked up showtimes for my local theatre, I was disappointed to find out that “Immortals” was ONLY being presented in 3D. Not that I don’t enjoy the format or anything, it’s just that it’s become hurried and overdone. It feels more like an extra cash grab instead of an enhancement. However, by the time I had witnessed a battle in the sky between Gods and Titans, I understood one thing; 3D is REQUIRED for this movie.

Yes, I am recommending that you pay an extra $3 or so based solely on the visual splendor. Considering the unique production design, the bold editing / transitions, and the photography of the action sequences, this may be the closest we will ever come to a Hollywood produced 3D Alejandro Jodorowsky film (in look, anyways). From the director, Tarsem Singh – “It’s a really hardcore action film done in Renaissance painting style”. Tickets on sale now, people.

Beer Two

My superficial acclaim now gives way to the film’s main problem; the story. Now, it’s not as painfully simplistic as the recent Conan the Barbarian film, but it is pretty close. It can literally be boiled down to bad guy wants to rule the world, he kills the hero’s parent, hero wants to stop bad guy. Sure, the story may be based on Greek Mythology, but it uses it rather loosely (the Minotaur is just a big guy in a helmet), in favor of presenting a ‘stuff your face with popcorn’ action flick. The movie deals a little bit with the characters’ spiritual faith, but it eventually forgets about it in order to concentrate on some pretty impressive slo-mo fight scenes. And, to be honest, at a certain point you’ll forget about this too. The movie is really pretty.

Action > Story

Beer Three

Also really pretty is Freida Pinto, who plays a prophetic priestess. In one scene, she decides to lay with Theseus, and undresses before the camera. Later, however, I discovered that this lovely rear end belonged to a butt double. Dammit! Though, on reflection, it’s still a butt.

She’s not really naked? One can always dream…

Verdict

When a person adds too much sugar to a coffee, I jokingly say “Would you like more coffee with your sugar?” In the case of Immortals, I say “Would you like more script with your production design?” The movie looks incredible. If you decide to buy a ticket, go with 3D – your eyes will thank you.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever you question the blood pressure of some of the sword victims.

Take a Drink: for each grunt Mickey Rourke makes.

Drink a Shot: because even though Freida Pinto doesn’t actually get naked, we can still imagine it (and I “imagine” it’s awesome).

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011) DVD / Blu-Ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (Three Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

The relationship between a filmmaker and an audience is an interesting one. Depending on the amount of creative control given, a director can inflict anything on the poor crowd. I’ve always said, along with a close friend of mine, that if given the opportunity to make a movie, only one rule would be followed; do what you want – the audience is expendable. Judging by his latest film, I’d be willing to bet that Tom Six would get along well with us.

Martin (Lawrence Harvey) has problems. He is a short, overweight, bug eyed, mjentally challenged asthmatic. He lives with a murderous/suicidal mother, is bullied by a hard rockin’ upstairs neighbor, and is visited by a Doctor with sexual yearnings for him. As an escape from all of this, Martin obsesses over the film The Human Centipede (First Sequence) which he plays repeatedly on his laptop, while working in an underground parking garage. But Martin isn’t just a mere fan; he plans to make his own version of his favorite film. And no, it’s not a shot for shot fan movie…

I’d watch that movie.

A Toast

Could you imagine The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) as an improv exercise? “Ok guys, for this next bit, you’re all customers in a pet shop. Oh, and you’re stapled ass to mouth with one another. Go!” Having to be on your knees for hours on end, not to mention the proximity to an anus, must be a trying experience. Hell, just watching such an act, and all the torture/brutal attacks associated with it, leaves you with a bad taste. This movie does what so few do; it fully attacks all five senses. The only other film I can think of that does this as well is Pink Flamingos, and that movie at least had whimsy to offset the dirt.

I should also mention the casting of Lawrence Harvey. I have no idea where this man came from. Perhaps he’s a mole person, hatched in the very underground parking lot that his character Martin works in. Whatever the case, this was the movie he was born for (I don’t think he’ll be in a rom com anytime soon).

A face made for radio. Oh, and this movie.

Beer Two

Part of what gave the original film its cult status was the humor. Yes, it was a sick premise, but it was funny; a charismatic mad scientist yelling at an Asian man who can’t speak English to “feed” the girl behind him is hilarious. When I saw the original with an audience, I laughed at how others were squirming in their seats. Basically, it invited you to revel in the Director’s personal delight of grossing people out.

With the sequel, however, I think it might just be the Director who is laughing. The gross out moments are just vile and upsetting. It is possible that Tom Six is messing with us by crafting this to be devoid of decency, and daring the Martins amongst the audience to laugh, to make everyone else squirm a little more. Personally, I can appreciate a filmmaker who treats his audience this way (as I mentioned in the introduction), but if you’re not me, and were looking for some gross out laughs, go rent Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead instead.

What? He’s just giving us what we want…

Beer Three

You might need this beer to get through some of the more disgusting acts. In this movie, you’ll witness crowbar beatings, nudity, forced explosive defecation, skin tearing, skull crushings, matricide, birth, sand paper masturbation and a dumb actress thinking that an obvious creep with a dark van will escort her to an audition with Quentin Tarantino.

Verdict

This was a hard one to rate. I was stuck at first between three and six beers, but eventually settled when I understood that Tom Six enjoys messing with his fans. If the original hadn’t achieved cult status, he wouldn’t have subjected us to such a sequel. In a way, by liking the first one, we ALL had it coming with the second one. We’re disgusting.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever Martin grunts or squeals.

Take a Drink: if this reminds you of the Japanese Guinea Pig films. You actually watched those?

Drink a Shot: when your date walks out on you.

In Time (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Four Beers) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

In Time is set in either an alternate universe or a distant future, where science has found a way to shut off the aging gene once a person reaches 25. After that, a permanent clock on your arm is set, giving you one year left to live. If you want to live longer you must add more time – now the global currency – to your clock. Of course, with a free market in a world like that, not everyone can be immortal.

The movie follows Will Salas (Justin Timberlake), who, after an encounter with a suicidal man, is given over a century of time. This, coupled with the death of his mother, the hooking up with an attractive heiress (Amanda Seyfried), and a pursuit by a relentless TimeKeeper (a cop, Cillian Murphy), starts Will off on a mission to upset a corrupt system that favors the few and exploits the many.

A Toast

The creative allegory – a society where time is literally money; where the rich are immortal and the poor live literally day to day – is not only strong, but fairly easy to understand. With #OWS still going strong, any help in getting its message out about income inequality and a corrupt financial system can only be a good thing. Unfortunately, the film’s message is also the major drawback. Well, how it’s delivered anyways.

Never been THAT broke before.

Beer Two

I was ecstatic when I read that Andrew Niccol was going to write and direct this. His previous films Gattaca and Lord of War both dealt with major issues without being too on the nose about it. With In Time, however, he seems to have lost some of his subtlety. In almost every scene of this movie there is a reference that reminds you of the film’s parallels to modern life. Instead of creating a unique world with issues that are somewhat similar to our own, it chooses to just take a Bonnie & Clyde / Robin Hood- inspired screenplay, replace the word “money” with “time”, and make the meaning painfully obvious. After a while, I found myself laughing with frustration at how the story was communicating with me.

Duh.

Beer Three

Puns! Along with the movie’s obvious message, the dialogue is riddled with time-related puns. It was cute at first, but just got out of hand when all was said and done. I’m no active drinker, but I should’ve traded my Mr. Pibb for a daiquiri.

I feel for Sherlock

Beer Four

At one point, Will and his girlfriend break into a time bank by crashing a truck into it. Afterwards, during an investigation of the event, a TimeKeeper quips “They must’ve thought it was a drive thru”. Hardy har har.

Verdict

The accuracy of the film’s message doesn’t make up for the poor way it expresses it. This is unfortunate, especially coming from Andrew Niccol. Maybe the studio wanted a dumbed-down action flick and were hoping people would as well?

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: for every pun about time (recommended).

Take a Drink: whenever you wish for more subtlety.

Take a Swig: if you were as disappointed as I was.

Melancholia (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

It’s well documented that director Lars Von Trier suffers from anxiety and depression. From his crippling fear of flight to his unusual public statements (which he will no longer make), his problems must make it difficult for him to make movies. Instead of medicating with talk and pills, however, Lars grabs a camera and exposes himself (and the world) to his deepest issues.

His new film Melancholia tells the story of two sisters, Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Claire (Charlotte Gainsbourg), as they face their own versions of doom and gloom head on. For Justine, it’s a lingering depression and worry that her new marriage is bound to fail. For Claire, it’s the anxiety and worry that Earth and everyone on it will be destroyed by a newly discovered planet (the title of the movie). We know from the beginning that all WILL be destroyed, but how will the sisters deal with it?

Also, all that Lars von Trier-ness?

A Toast

For those who haven’t googled it, Melancholia is a state of mood disorder and/or depression. Giving a life-destroying planet this name might be a little too on the nose, but considering what all goes down, it’s apt.

In part one of the film, we witness Justine as being whimsical and carefree on her wedding night. Throughout the evening, however, it becomes clear that a mood swing is coming; her divorced parents bicker publicly, her boss is an asshole, her sister is controlling, and all demand that she be happy, almost against her will. The weight of all the stress and expectations becomes so much for Justine that she begins to have a bi-polar episode, and the night ends in disaster.

In part two, we see Claire taking care of her severely depressed sister, while also dealing with the discovery of a new planet that is hurtling towards Earth. Despite reassurances to the contrary, she can’t shake the fear of everything coming to an end, and being unable to prevent/control it. The weight of all of her stress becomes so great for her, she is stricken with breathless panic attacks (also explained as the result of the planet sucking air from our atmosphere), feelings of helplessness, and the story ends, again, in disaster.

What I have described above is pretty bleak. So bleak, actually, that even the sisters’ spouses couldn’t take it. But in the midst of chaos, there is calm. As Melancholia nears, Justine snaps somewhat out of her funk, at least enough to deal with the situation her own way; by confronting it. She even bathes in the light of the planet at night, showing how used to it all she is. I guess complete and utter destruction is nothing to a person who has been to emotional hell and back.

Go somewhere else for easy therapy

The film is spectacular. In the hands of any other director, it would be filled with shots of riots, news anchors, and Bruce Willis. Instead, Earth’s disaster is framed around the story of two sisters, who represent not only depression and anxiety, but also how we deal with crisis. In the end, its’ good old fashioned exposure therapy, confronting/embracing the problem/planet head on, that brings about some level of peace and beauty.

Verdict

Watch it however you can, but I recommend this be viewed as part of a double feature with AntiChrist. Both films came about out of a deep depression the director suffered, both deal with themes of anxiety, depression and exposure therapy (both perfectly capture what it feels like), and both feature characters proclaiming the Earth to be evil. If you want to try and pick these apart, they might be best confronted, head on, together.

Fun for the whole family!

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: whenever someone is disappointed in Justine.

Take a Drink: for each time Claire’s husband tries to reassure her.

Drink a Shot: because Earth is going down, no matter what.

Skyline (2010) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Billy Arceneaux (Six Pack) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it. 

The word underrated is tossed around a lot. Usually, it implies that something has had its quality overlooked. Sometimes, however, that something’s quality has been thoroughly checked and appropriately rated low.

I only ended up watching Skyline on Netflix after taking a writing assignment for InvadeNola. I thought that would be the first/last time that I would have to commit typed words for this movie. After checking out this site’s unique rating scale, I knew I was wrong.

The “film” follows a group of Fast & Furious franchise extras who, after waking up from a wild penthouse party, discover that the city is being harvested by aliens. A short synopsis, yes, but a dead on one I think. I normally don’t drink booze (I prefer the diabetes guaranteed taste of soda), but to those that do, go out and grab a sixer.

A Toast

I raise my can to the special effects department. The reported principal photography budget was about half a million (and at times it shows), but you can tell that the remaining $20 Million or so was well spent. The aliens and their ships look impressive; fairly well defined and scary looking. Unfortunately, this is the only impressive element. Unless you count the fact that Paul Walker wasn’t cast (this is the kind of movie he’d star in)…

Beer Two

The reason why I refer to the cast as Fast & Furious extras is because of the opening ten or so minutes of the movie. Here, we are supposed to learn who the characters are, their relationships with one another, any personal conflicts, etc. But, for some reason, all of this information is drowned out with songs from 30 Seconds to Mars, fast cars, poolside babes and parties. We watch them get drunk, talk about their art (I think), cheat on one another, and get pissed when they are asked to turn down the music. At this point, I can’t wait for the aliens to kill them.

Beer Three

Why is Donald Faison in this movie, and how did he pull a gun out of nowhere?

Beer Four

Quickly, the movie begins to resemble Night Of The Living Dead, in that the characters hide out and hunker down from the mysterious forces by putting blankets and sheets on the windows, and furniture in front of the door. This plan is sensible and effective for all but Eric Balfour (cast as Jarrod). He requests several times that they make their way outside and get to a boat, because the aliens aren’t hovering over water (even though he doesn’t know if this is true or not). When the group shoots that idea down, he suggests they go to the roof. Again, his plan is universally disliked. Ultimately, he forces his girlfriend to come with him, and they end up getting captured. Good.

Beer Five

Oliver the Concierge, the only sensible and reasonable character in the movie, has to put up with the stupidity and vanity of the losers he is unfortunately trapped with. In the end, his efforts to survive are foiled by a blonde bimbo who opens one of the sheets covering the windows (at which point the aliens take her). Cornered, Oliver pulls a Kurt Russell-style move by turning on the gas stove, grabbing a lighter, and saying “Vaya Con Dios” is his best possible action hero voice. Chug one in his honor.

The lone man of reason

Beer Six

Apparently, Jarrod and his girlfriend are on the roof in an attempt to signal for help. When an army helicopter spots them, it seems that they are safe. Suddenly, an alien tentacle grabs the helicopter and destroys it. And then, with the goofiest look on his face, tears streaming and all, Jarrod screams. If you haven’t passed out yet, you will laugh uncontrollably at this.

BWAHAHAHAHA!

Verdict

This is NOT a movie. This is a 90 minute video made by a visual effects company in an attempt to promote their work and get clients. If you decide to watch this, do so with friends.

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: for every time Jarrod’s plans are shot down by the other survivors.

Take a drink: whenever Oliver has to give a speech about being a man, staying strong, surviving, etc.

Drink a shot: when the actors have to pretend they are witnessing an alien invasion through a telescope.

Red State (2011) DVD / Blu-ray

By: Bill Arceneaux (A Toast) -
Note: There is a rating embedded within this post, please visit this post to rate it.

Back in 2005, Kevin Smith went on the View Askewniverse Message Board and discussed the possibility of a sequel to Dogma:

“Back when I made Dogma, I always maintained that another movie about religion wouldn’t be forthcoming, as Dogma was the product of 28 years of religious and spiritual meditation, and I’d kinda shot my wad on the subject. Now? I think I might have more to say.”

Red State, I believe, IS that sequel. Well, a thematic sequel, anyways. What do I mean by that? Well, if Dogma showed that faith is a funny thing, Red State shows what happens when faith grabs a gun.

The film follows the exploits of the Five Points Church, made up of its leader Abin Cooper (Michael Parks) and his extended family. They are meant to be taken as a satirical portrayal of the Westboro Baptist Church– they protest funerals and give hate speeches – but satirical turns violent when they lure a trio of teens into their compound.

A Toast

For those expecting a comedy about relationships, be warned; aside from some heavy dialogue, this is a radically different Kevin Smith film. This movie is filled with creeps, bullets, blood, death and Waco/Ruby Ridge imagery. For a guy that recently brought us Tracy Morgan dressed as a cell phone, this is quite a shift.

This is a Kevin Smith movie?

Not lost in that shift is the acting. John Goodman and Michael Parks – as Agent Keenan and Abin Cooper respectively – deliver the movie’s finest performances, and it’s not a surprise, given both men’s experience. Parks’ Abin Cooper is disturbingly calm and caring for someone who espouses such vile rhetoric. And as Keenan, Goodman provides us with the man who learns the movie’s lesson.

Five Points Church vs. ATF, or Cooper vs. Keenan, can be seen as a literal battle of Church vs. State. However, by the time the battle happens, it is unclear as to who the real enemy is. The first half of the movie follows the path of a horror film, revealing that the church has a cache of weapons, and is perfectly willing to execute anybody that they deem a sinner. In the second half, it’s revealed that the ATF (or government) are just as armed and just as willing. When things turn into a public relations nightmare, the decision is made by a disembodied higher ranking official to take no prisoners. By contrast, when a raid looks imminent, the Coopers feel they have been called on by a higher power to fight until the last breath.

If Michael Parks were my pastor…

Having witnessed such brutality, Keenan offers up, “People just do the strangest things when they believe they’re entitled. But they do even stranger things when they just plain believe”. With that, Kevin Smith re-delivers his message from Dogma, but this time with a bullet.

Verdict

This is a fresh kind of film from the man behind the View Askewniverse. People have been/will probably be put off by the content – but remember that with a movie like this, things aren’t as easy as good vs. bad or black and white.

 The Askewniverse gives not a review, but a reaction

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a drink: every time a character says fuck or bitch

Take a drink: for every minute Abin Cooper gives his main sermon (not recommended)

Take a drink: for every character shot in the head.