Author Archives: Salvador Garcia
Titanic (1997, 2012 3D)
Titanic (1997) DVD / Blu-Ray
By: SG2 (A Toast) -
BEERate this movie!
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The movie Titanic will always have a special place in my heart. In 1997 I was a sophomore in high school. One day at my local mall I ran into an acquaintance who asked me if I wanted to see a movie with him. The exchange went something like this. **Warning, this passage contains a movie spoiler**
Him: “Hey Sal, what are you up to?”
Me: “Nothing, you?”
Him: “Want to go see Titanic with me?”
Me: “What’s it about?”
Him: “It’s about a boat that sinks, and I heard if you cry when Leonardo DiCaprio dies, sorry to ruin it for you, but you need to know this, because it’s important that you realize if you do cry when he dies the girls near you will think you’re a sensative guy and they will fall in love with you.”
Me: “…Yeah, right.”
Him: “Seriously, Sal, they fall in love with you! Hey, I’ll pay for you if you come in with me and cry during that scene with me. C’mon, there’s going to be so many chicks, Sal, right there. They’ll see us cry and fall in love with us.”
It was a total Cartman and Butters moment.
I was in. At the time, I was just naive enough about love that I humored the idea. At the pivotal scene my acquaintance and I began to sniffle, and he began to console me and cry with me. We looked ridiculous and no one was paying attention to us. If they had looked at us they would have noticed two seemingly pubescent gay teens sad to see Leonardo DiCaprio die. This embarrassing episode of my life happened 15 years ago. For that reason Titanic will always have a special place in my heart and memories.
For the sake of reviewing Titanic I am only taking into account the original version. The 3D version sounds like it would be fun for a couple of scenes but in my opinion it is not necessary. If I were to watch it in 3D I’d imagine the how cool it would be to see water splashing in your direction, people falling or jumping from the Titanic, and Jack and Rose running in the hallways and other luxurious areas. Also, it might be cool to see Jack Dawson scream, “I’m the King of the World!” in 3D, but not necessary.
A Toast
There are so many good things about the movie Titanic it’s hard for me to choose what exacty to toast to other than James Cameron, the man who brought the film to life. His passion for underwater exploration, the Titanic and 200 million dollars is what made this movie possible. Titanic was the John Carter of its day. Opening weekend box office was 28 million dollars, not very much, but unlike Disney’s box office bomb, word of mouth about the love story really helped get people into those seats. Had I not heard about Titanic from my friend I probably wouldn’t have ever gone to see it.
I just spent a couple hours in the deepest part of the ocean. Wait… what!?
Also they went all out in their wardrobe and set design which aided big time in creating the masterpiece that is Titanic. It’s is a great example of the importance of wardrobe and costume design for telling a period story and bringing an audience to 1912. The difference between what rich and poor people wore as well as how the ship’s crew and staff were dressed really helped me feel like I was there in Southampton, England watching the Titanic embark on its ill-fated maiden voyage to New York. The clothing you wore back then really told others what your social status was, whether you were poor or not. In one scene, Jack Dawson (Leonardo DiCaprio) steals a coat and hat in order to blend in the 1st class area of the boat to get closer to Rose (Kate Winslet).
Southhampton, England or the Kentucky Derby?
The set design for Titanic was also impressive. Very expensive replica sets were designed for the film. Areas such as its famous Grand Staircase, the a la carte restaurant, the gymnasium, the decks and more (Source). In fact, the entire set was built at F0x’s Baja studios. The boat, in fact, was reconstructed based on the actual blueprints of the RMS Titanic due to Cameron wanting everything to be as accurate as possible (Source).
Kind of like before and after “Slim-Fast” ads, I see no difference.
Another thing I loved about Titanic was the soundtrack and score. I tip my glass in the direction of James Horner, whose talents are ultimately to blame for the overplaying of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” which originally wasn’t going to be in the film but was approved by James Cameron after a couple of listens (Source). I personally can’t stand Celine Dione and don’t think she deserves to be called a “diva” but her voice did make watching the credits enjoyable.
From left to right in Diva order: No, Why, Yes, WTF, Wrong!
Verdict
Considering the time it was produced, Titanic was a monumental achievement in film. If I had to pick a fault in the film I would say it is its 194 minute run-time. I’m all for character development, but I’m not a fan of having to take pee breaks without intermissions. However, it’s a really great love story and if you aren’t watching it with a date you can always play the drinking game. Cheers!
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever you hear Celine Dion music playing in the background.
Take a Drink: whenever someone says Rose or Jack.
Take a Drink: whenever you see a firework/rocket or flare light up.
Take a Drink: whenever you see a cigarette.
Take a Drink: whenever Cal gets jealous or fires a gun.
Take a Drink: whenever you see money or hear someone talk about it.
Take a Drink: every time someone spits.
Take a Shot: when someone gets spit on in the face or swallows their spit.
Take a Drink: whenever someone jumps or falls from the Titanic.
Do a Shot: when the string quartet stops playing.
Take a Drink: whenever you see water gush from windows or doors.
Game Change (2012)
By Salvador Garcia (A Toast) -
BEERate this movie!
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I thought it would be relevant to cover Game Change at MovieBoozer as it was HBO’s most watched original movie in the last 8 years, garnering 2.1 million viewers (Source: Entertainment Weekly) at its initial showing. The film tells the true story of how then Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska (Julian Moore) was chosen to be Senator John McCain’s (Ed Harris) running mate for the 2008 US Presidential Elections. Woody Harrelson plays Steve Schmidt, a Republican strategist for the McCain campaign. Since the film’s release, Steve Schmidt among others have confirmed how true the events portrayed in the film were to real life. He claimed the film made him feel like he was suffering from PTSD, reliving the past. Based on the reports of accuracy I decided to watch the film and made an effort not to let my personal politics influence how I felt about the movie.
A Toast
I feel it necessary to commend and toast to the performances in the cast of Game Change. Most notably Julianne Moore, who managed to do Sarah Palin without seeming like a parody a la Tina Fey. There were moments in the film where I sympathized with Sarah Palin, a feeling I never had before, in such a way that made me really love Moore’s performance. There’s a scene where Sarah begins to show signs of having a nervous breakdown. The descent into this state happens gradually and in such an organic way that Sarah Palin suddenly felt human. If it were possible, Julianne Moore should be considered an Oscar contender for this film.
I see Sarah Palin in this movie as sexy as her supporters do in real life.
Woody Harrelson among others had a strong performance. He plays Steve Schmidt who was the campaign manager for McCain. Harrelson, a man who is as liberal as I am, reminded me what a great actor he truly is. In one scene Steve asks Sarah how she would respond about how the McCain’s administration would keep strong ties with England. She mistakes the Queen as the head of state and not the Prime Minister. Steve’s (Harrelson) reaction was neither cynical nor mocking, it was just concerned. Though he felt that it was something that could be resolved with history lessons, foreign policy cannot be learned in a week. Palin was inundated with information that was more that she could handle. Realizing this, Steve had her memorize lines about what to say when asked a certain question and helped her in avoiding questioning strategies. Harrelson’s performance in my eye was flawless. There are scenes where he’s cheering for Sarah that had me thinking, “Wow, he did it!”
“Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far… far far away from here.”
Lastly, the writing for the film was superb. The film is based on the book Game Change: Obama and the Clintons, McCain and Palin, and the Race of a Lifetime written by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, who are political journalists. The book was based on more than 300 interviews from the 2008 presidential campaign (Source). Danny Strong adapted the 3rd part of the book which focused mainly on Sarah Palin’s VP Candidacy. The dialogue was very human and natural. McCain cursed in private like I’d expect any man would, and Sarah Palin was a sweater wearing governor and mother before being thrust into the national political arena. At times the tension hinging on how Sarah Palin would be on television clung to me as well as the relief when she’d pull things off.
I believe this is one of HBO’s best films and most certainly the best drama and historical film to come out so far this year. It doesn’t matter if you like or hate Sarah Palin, you will love this movie. Enjoy that beer.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever John McCain curses.
Take a Drink: whenever Sarah Palin can’t give a clear or sensible answer.
Take a Drink: whenever Sarah Palin is looking at her cell phone.
Take a Drink: whenever Sarah Palin asks for her poll numbers in Alaska.
Take a Drink: whenever a crowd cheers.
Take a Drink: whenever someone says something hateful about Obama.
Drink a Shot: whenever someone says something positive about Obama.
A Cat in Paris (2010)
A Cat in Paris (2010) DVD / Blu-Ray
By Salvador Garcia (Three Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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A Cat in Paris (Une Vie de Chat), follows the story of Zoe (Driane Zani), a Parisian girl whose father was killed by Victor Costa (Jean Benguigui), a gangster who’s after a priceless statue. Zoe’s cat, Dino, hangs out with Nico at night, who is a cat-burglar. One evening, Zoe follows Dino and stumbles upon thugs plotting the statue’s heist. Meanwhile her mother, Jeanne (Dominique Blanc), is searching for Victor Costa to put him behind bars while at the same time investigating a number of burglar reports.
A Toast
There was a time when 3D animations were a rarity. However, a feature-length film like A Cat in Paris seems to be a greater rarity these days, especially one animated as beautifully as it was. I toast to the animation studio Folimage for its noire approach for Une Vie de Chat, which really hit me with deep feelings of nostalgia. Every generation has its favorite television shows. As for myself, I grew up watching The Noozles, The World of David the Gnome, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters!, Hey Arnold!, and Rocko’s Modern Life. The shading in the film flickered as if every object in motion was lit by a thousand candle lights. Something about this style stirred up memories of sitting on a couch with my brothers and sisters feeling completely enthralled by what we were seeing on Nickelodeon. I believe this film will strike a stronger chord with cinema goers in their early 30s than the younger crowd.
Does anyone relate to me anymore?
Beer Two
While the animation style is solid, the story is mediocre at best. You’ve seen this movie before. The protagonist is missing a parent and nobody seems to understand her (given that Zoe doesn’t speak since her father was killed). The cat is what ultimately draws all the characters together. While the cat shows some heroism, it is largely over shadowed by Nico the cat-burglar who I believe the film is really about. There are however two redeeming qualities for the story of A Cat in Paris. One is the 180 degree plot twist in the middle of the film which renews your attention just before it’s lost. Also, I thought the way Victor Costa begins his hallucination of the statue walking down the streets of Paris was genius.
Catch!
Beer Three
The thugs Monsieur Bebe (Mister Baby), Monsieur Hulot, Monsieur Grenouille (Mister Frog), and Monsieur Patate (Mister Potato) are more annoying than comic relief, fighting with each other like stooges with dialogue that never made me crack a smile. There’s a scene that is kind of stolen from Reservoir Dogs where they argue over their code names.
Look, a sandwich!
Verdict
In the end, you’ll enjoy how the movie looks and if you’re watching it with kids, they’ll enjoy the story. I don’t know if this film is really worthy of getting an Oscar nomination.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Sip: whenever someone leaps/jumps or does something that resembles Parkour.
Take a Drink: whenever Zoe’s Nanny sprays herself with perfume or when you see the perfume cloud..
Take a Drink: whenever Dino the cat pounces on an animal.
Take a Drink: whenever Dino scratches someone and draws blood.
Take a Drink: whenever the barking dog gets hit by a shoe.
Take a Drink: whenever you hear the word “Chat” for Cat.
Take a drink: whenever one of the four thugs needs help for anything.
Drink a Shot: whenever you see the statue Colossus of Nairobi’s penis on screen.
Chico & Rita (2010)
- Chico y Rita (2011) DVD / Blu-Ray
By Salvador Garcia (Two Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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A shoe-shiner named Chico, once an up and coming pianist, reflects upon a time he fell in love with a woman named Rita, a beautiful and talented singer who he collaborated with many years ago. Chico and Rita is a love story, set in Havana, rich with US-Cuban culture and relations, and full of the beautiful rhythms and sounds of Cuban jazz leading up to the 1950s Cuban Revolution.
A Toast
If you’re a fan of music and animation then you’re in for a real treat. I raise a glass to Bebo Valdés, whose life’s story was used in part for Chico and Rita but most of all whose talent was used to score the film. Born in 1918, Bebo Valdés is a Cuban pianist, bandleader, composer, and arranger who wrong and composed the majority of songs you will hear in the film. I had never listened to Cuban jazz before and probably never would had it not been for this film. His music aids in transporting you to a time in Cuba that was prospering before Fidel Castro’s revolution arrived. The film, is in some part a history lesson, and from what I have read, accurate as to the way Havana looked in 1949 (Wiki).
Shoe-shiner, he is not.
In addition to the music, I tip my first glass of beer in the direction of the film’s conception of Havana and its animation style. There’s a scene where Chico is trying to catch up with Rita who is taking a bus, leading you from a comercial area to a more residential one. It captured the look, mood, and feel of traveling through the busy streets of Havana and the animation was a pleasant break from all the computer animated styles we’re growing more and more accustomed too. Plus, there is a scene where Rita awakes in bed completely naked and accompanies Chico in the nude. Before Rita got out of bed I wondered if the animators would be so brave as to animate Rita with pubes and all. They do. While at first I found it funny, the way a 7th grader would, I coughed out my immaturity and came to realize that this is one of the movies most beautiful and intimate scenes. Lovers — in love — can be naked together, singing a love song in the buff. When people can reach that level of intimacy together, it’s beautiful and there are no faults to it.
Chico is not reading notes.
Beer Two
While the movie was mostly Cuban, the ending was American. Chico and Rita would have been a lot better if it had not ended the way it did. The love story, while very passionate at the start, gets into some turmoil and the film doesn’t end the way one would expect. The story tests the lengths of true love and what we as an audience are willing to accept as being possible. To say the least, you’ll want that second beer to make rolling your eyes at the end comfortable.
This isn’t an animated film you will want to watch with your kids or pop on when you’re babysitting. The movie gets really boring for them (I’ve tested it). If you’re not a fan of music, especially Jazz, you may get bored and if you don’t like reading subtitles (or don’t understand Spanish), it would be best to stay away. However, the movie, for what it is, is a real treat and I would recommend it to anyone open to Latin culture. I found it fun doing my own research into the background of the film and learning the true lives of Bebo and Rita (Chico and Rita) for which the movie was loosely based on.
Bonus Movie Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever Chico begins to play the piano.
Take a Drink: whenever Rita begins to dance.
Take a Drink: whenever someone speaks English
Take a Drink: whenever you see a cigar in someones mouth.
Take a Drink: whenever Rita begins to dance.
Take a Shot: every time Chico is rejected by Rita (careful with this one)
Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace (1999, 2012 3D)
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) DVD / Blu-Ray
By: Salvador Garcia (Three Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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Originally released in 1999, The Phantom Menace was a major disappointment to Star Wars fans everywhere. As Adam Carolla might say, a lot of “Nerd Rage” was unleashed on the production of this film and most of all its creator, George Lucas. However, these same haters, many of them dressed up as Star Wars characters, made The Phantom Menace a box-office success, raking in $64 million dollars its first weekend. The film is about a Trade Federation wanting to take over a planet called Naboo. Two Jedi’s, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kanobi, peaceful knights who can manipulate The Force, are sent as ambassadors to see what’s going on. They have neon colored colored swords called light sabers and enjoy waving them around to deflect lasers beams firing slower than a speeding bullet. They eventually escape the attempt on their lives and run into… well, just watch the film if for some reason you don’t know all of this already.
If it isn’t obvious – I was not a fan of Star Wars prior to the release of The Phantom Menace. In 1999, I was a Junior in high school. I didn’t know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek and to be honest, did not care. However, I got caught up in the hype surrounding the film and decided to go check out the midnight showing with all the freaks and geeks. I heard no complaints coming out of the movie. The fans I had gone to see the movie with seemed pleased. I do, however, remember one comment that was said upon exiting the cinema by a man who could have been mistaken for Jabba the Hutt with a Poney-tail and goatee, “Exqueeze me… what the fuck was that?”
Now, some 13 years later, the movie has been re-released in 3D. Prior to going into the movie (a rare treat for me living where I do now) I thought about all the scenes I was expecting to be blown-away by in 3D such as the pod-race. My expectations were never met and made me continue to wonder why anyone would pay extra to see any movie in 3D.
Jedi 3D Glasses
A Toast
I was impressed by the world created by George Lucas in Star Wars. The vast array of creatures, robots, pets, food, infrastructure, buildings, communities and the culture and the way they interacted made this and all other Star Wars movies I subsequently caught up with worth watching again and again. When a filmmaker can create a world that gives a movie such replay value, it really makes it worth getting on home video. Also, looking back on the film, it starred Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, and brought Natalie Portman to a much wider audience.
The consequences of one man’s imagination and two folks void of any.
Beer Two
Jar Jar Binks. Some will say Jar Jar sabotaged the film in an attempt to bring in a younger crowd. I found him entertainingly retarded. I didn’t take the movie as serious as Star Wars fans did and I had no expectations. However, watching the movie 13 years later in 3D, I just wanted him to have a Nice Cup of STFU. I might as well throw in the Viceroys’ horrible Asian accents being a little annoying.
He’s climing through your windows, snatching your baby’s up!
Beer Three
Shmi Skywalker’s (Pernilla August) accent being different from Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). I thought this was a terrible flaw in casting of the movie. She claims that Anakin was a virgin birth, but I think she snatched him from a nursery as an infant and claimed him as her child.
From the perspective of someone who wasn’t a fan, I thought the movie was entertaining. I didn’t let one thing like Jar Jar Binks ruin an otherwise good film. Though the next films seemed lazy and the dialogue was cheesy, this film, for what it was, was definitely worth watching. You do not have to be drunk to enjoy this movie. But if you want to be, play the drinking game.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Sip: everytime Jar Jar Binks, Boss Nass or any Gungan mispronounces a word.
Take a Drink: every time The Force or Midi-Chlorian’s are mentioned or used.
Take a Drink: every time a pod-racer crashes.
Take a Shot: whenever Boss Nass slobbers.
Take a Drink: whenever Queen Amidala switches to Padme and back.
Weekend Pre-Game: Trailer Reviews for January 27th
The Grey
Rated R, 117 Minutes, Action/Adventure/Drama
Written & Directed by Joe Carnahan.
Starring Liam Neeson, Dermot Mulroney, Frank Grillo.
Liam Neeson in action movies can be compared to Jason Bourne married with children. Liam is somewhat superhuman and always gets himself out of dangerous situations. Only difference is, there’s a little more crazy in Liam Neesen’s action turns (Taken/Unknown) and I like to have me some beers while watching him. The Grey is about Ottway (Neeson), a security guard for an oil drilling operation who survives a plane crash in the Arctic. With other survivors they have to make their way South or they will freeze to death. However they’re in the domain of the wolves. The trailer shows all the dangers and action one should expect, even a showdown between Liam Neeson armed with two little glass liquor bottles you get on planes and a wolf charging one another. Edward versus Jacob, anyone? Beer me.
Pre-game with 1 beers and enjoy 2 beers with The Grey Total: 3 Beers.
Designated Driver Recommended
Man on a Ledge
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes, Crime/Thriller
Written by Pablo F. Fenjves. Directed by Asger Leth
Starring: Sam Worthington, Elizabeth Banks, and Jamie Bell
The movie is seemingly about a man who wants to throw himself from the ledge of a building. At first I thought, okay, how can a movie get any worse than listening to a negotiator and a suicidal man speak for over an hour. It turns out, the man on the ledge (Sam Worthington) is an escaped convict who is just a distraction for a heist occurring a block away. Sounds interesting, but the “time is running out” and “you don’t understand” cheesy dialogue gives me the impression I’ll be rolling my eyes in this one.
Pre-game with 2 beers and enjoy 2 beers with Man on a Ledge. Total: 4 Beers.
Designated Driver Recommended
One for the Money
Rated PG-13, 106 Minutes, Action/Comedy/Crime
Written by Stacy Sherman. Directed by Julie Ann Robinson
Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara, and Daniel Sunjata
Oh man… I really don’t want to have to watch that trailer again. Katherine Heigl, once a promising star, is now going down the same route as Kate Hudson and Sarah Jessica Parker, one horrible female comedy followed by another. From what I could remember, Stephanie Plum (Heigl) just got fired from Macy’s and needs another job. With her family support she decides to look into bounty hunting since the money is big. Her first few gigs are easy ones, such as taking a man in who likes to flash his junk to people. However, a bounty worth $50,000 dollars comes up and it turns out she dated the guy in high school. She flirts with the criminal (because for some reason women find that sexy — thinking of you Scott Peterson). This movie may have some potential with female audiences but for men, I’m just not seeing it.
Pre-game with 3 beers and enjoy 2 beers with One for the Money: Total: 5 Beers.
Designated Driver Recommended
Dream House (2011)
Dream House (2011) DVD / Blu-Ray
By: SG2 (Five Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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Will Atenton (Daniel Craig) and his family are set — they’ve just moved into a new home and his wife Libby (Rachel Weisz) and daughters are very happy to see him. However, they learn that a family was slain in the home and (judging by the movie poster) the audience can figure out the rest before the movie ends. You’d be wise to bring at least five beers because Dream House was not the dream movie its creators likely envisioned it would become. The movie is basically summarized in the movie trailer so if you need an excuse to get buzzed, see this flick.
A Toast
The length of the film may have led to its downfall, as the film was poorly edited and felt rushed. However, at 92 minutes, I was certainly thankful that it ended when it did. I’m used to kids movies cutting out at 90 minutes. It makes sense, no matter what’s on screen, after about 30 minutes, no matter what a 5 year old is seeing, they find it more fascinating to play hide and seek in the cinema than to watch a feature length film. Moms and Dads reading this review know what I’m talking about. If the theater wasn’t as empty as it was I might have asked anyone if they wanted to play hide and seek instead of watch Dream House. As much as I tried to get into the film, it just wasn’t really keeping my attention. If the movie had carried on for another 30 minutes I would have had more time to down that last pint of beer. Thankfully, it didn’t, and I was free to go home and with my breath, laden with alcohol, begin to talk shit about the movie.
Is this movie over yet?
Beer Two
You know the editing is bad when a scene begins in the middle of a conversation. There is one scene in particular where Will sets out to find out more about the family that was murdered in his home. You suspect he’s going to the public library or to the police station. Instead he finds himself at a diner in the middle of a conversation with two perturbed police officers. One moment Will is walking down the sidewalk and boom he’s in the middle of the conversation, or in the middle of speaking a word when the scene cuts in. There are several of these sorts of cuts sprinkled throughout the movie. If I’m wrong about this, then I guess I should blame the projectionist who spliced the movie I screened.
I know what I’m doing.
Beer Three
Very poor plot. The 180 twist in the middle of the movie that was also revealed in the trailer really dragged out the story longer than it needed to go. I’ll just say it — ***THIS IS NOT A SPOILER IF YOU’VE SEEN THE MOVIE TRAILER OR LOOKED AT THE MOVIE POSTER*** … …the family is dead. And guess what, that doesn’t ruin the OTHER 180 waiting for you, that you also suspect within 20 minutes of the film.
I see B-Movies… BEER Movies. Beer me, please.
Beer Four
Seeing talented actors being wasted on such a poorly executed movie is akin to watching someone drain a beer after popping the cap open. I wouldn’t say Craig, Watts, and Weisz put their best foot forward on this project, but they weren’t bad. Unfortunately, the whole concept and the story seemed to drag on — for all 92 minutes of it.
Just as wasteful
Beer Five
Okay, for Reelz Spoilers!
Once the plot unravels, and you realize that Will Atenton is just crazy and seeing his family like Russell Crowe in A Beautiful Mind, you begin to suspect that he’s a schizophrenic. However, the other twist is that he’s not crazy — he has in fact been only partially hallucinating and partially making love to a Poltergeist. Where have I seen this before?
Ah-Ha!
Dream House is an awful film, but ultimately I couldn’t really give it a Six Pack as the 180 twist at the end is mildly entertaining. The best I can say about it is that, while his role was very short, I enjoyed seeing Casey Jones from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on screen.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: whenever Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz kiss.
Take a Drink: whenever you see Rachel Weisz stare out a window.
Take a Drink: whenever you hear the names Will, Atenton, Peter, Ward
Take a Drink: whenever a hooded man appears.
Take a Drink: whenever Will transitions in and out of sanity.
Shark Night 3D (2011)
Shark Night 3D (2011) DVD / Blu-Ray
By: SG2 (Three Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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Warning, this review contains minor spoilers. You have been warned.
As bad as I thought Shark Night 3D was going to be, I kind of enjoyed it in a “it was so stupid it was good” sort of way. The flick follows the story of seven friends from college who go on a road trip to Shreveport, Louisiana — a place where apparently it’s common to be a racist hillbilly. Sara (Sara Paxton), grew up in Shreveport, and guides her friends to a lake-front cabin that can only be reached by boat through a series of rivers. Unfortunately, the fresh water lake is filled with sharks! In 3D! At night time! Shark Night 3D it is!
A Toast
I raise my first glass of beer to the scene where Malik (Sinqua Walls), challenges a shark to avenge the death of his girlfriend. Leading up to the scene, Malik suffered a terrible misfortune, his arm is bit off by a shark. He is unconscious after losing a lot of blood. Nick (Dustin Milligan), the pre-med student, advises everyone that Malik may die if he exerts himself too much. So, in a “it’s so fucking stupid it’s great” scene is when Nick finds Malik standing in the lake, waist high, holding a Spartan Spear in his one good hand, talking tough about how he’s going to kill the shark that that took his girlfriend. He attracts the shark with the blood dripping from his torso. Suddenly a hammer-head appears and tries to take him down, but Malik won’t go down without a fight. He begins to punch the shark until he ultimately weakens it long enough so that he can spear it to death. The amazing battle ends with Malik saying, “I told you I’d kill him.”
It’s worth watching for this scene alone.
Beer Two
There’s a 30 second long scene where Beth (Katherine McPhee) is peeing and talking to her friend. How this is a form of bonding amongst women will always confuse me. I found it to be disturbing and beer worthy.
One second thought…
Beer Three
The scenes were the minorities are singled out by racists made me feel uncomfortable. For a dumb fun movie, I didn’t like watching scenes where members of Shreveport, LA were made to look like racist and not taking too kindly to outsiders. The antagonists of the film were Dennis (Chris Carmack) and Red (Joshua Leonard). One suggest Maya (Alyssa Diaz) can come over and clean his house. The situation nearly escalates into a fight until Sara appears, who Dennis and Red recognize and quickly back off.
Movies like Shark Night 3D are not meant to be taken seriously. While the genre for Shark Night 3D is a Horror-Thriller, it really belongs in a B-Movie category. Under normal circumstances the film would have gone to DVD. However, because it was filmed in 3D, I’m sure the producers were banking on it doing well. With a budget of 28 million dollars and the opening weekend being a measly 8 million, I don’t see them breaking even. Not, even, close. Kudos to the beer pong floatie in the movie. Also special extra kudos to whoever trained the dog that helped pull Sara from the water. I thought it was really cute and awesome.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: anytime you see a dorsal fin.
Take a drink: anytime you see a jacuzzi bubble water (when someone is being eaten).
Take a drink: whenever someone dies.
Take a drink: whenever you hear the word “Shark”
Take a drink: whenever a shark springs forward towards you (3D audience).
Drink a shot: when you see the beer pong floatie.
Drink a shot: when everyone cheers to a beer (optional, chug a beer).
Drink a shot: when you hear the phrase “Shark Week”
Last Call: There is a 5-6 minute rap video what appears to have been shot on a four year old digital camera about each of the character’s plots and stories. If you enjoyed the movie, I would recommend staying to watch it.
Colombiana (2011)
Colombiana (2011) DVD / Blu-Ray
By: SG2 (Five Beers) -
BEERate this movie!
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It seems to be a trending dream for all little girls in movies who witness their parents being murdered to grow up and become assassins. Cataleya in Colombiana echoed O-Ren Ishii from Kill Blll Vol. 1, just as she witness the murder of her father being killed by thugs, so did Cataleya, who gets away from her assailants and reaches the US embassy where she is immeadiately taken in by the the CIA. What she does become, as was O-Ren Ishii, is a stoned cold killer. Her face is often emotionless, and her appetitte for sex is at times insatiable. She likes to toy with her victims, often letting sharks or dogs dispose of her enemies. The sometimes dark and sadistic way that Cataleya copes with getting revenge for her family is fun to watch but for the most part unbelievable.
A Toast
I raise my first glass to Zoe Saldana’s skin-tight assassin’s costume. With all the things that I thought were going wrong with Colombiana, I could at least enjoy watching Zoe snaking through air vents, hanging from roof tops, and swimming with sharks in her dark skin-tight assassin’s suit. Zoe Saldana has the potential to be a sex symbol, however she refrains from revealing more than her back in other sexy scenes with Danny Delaney (Michael Vartan).
Go on, go down, it’s the women’s locker room.
Beer Two
A major pet peeve of mine is foreigners speaking English instead of using their native tongue. The opening scene is clearly two latinos in Colombia, why would they bother talking to one another in a Hollywood accent? Why? The producers know that by and large the majority of Americans hate reading subtitles. In fact, only 9 movies with subtitles ever grossed more than 20 million dollars (source). This all reminds me of a time when I was working as an usher at the local movie theater. Hero with Jet li came out, and this couple who bought a large popcorn and a large coke for their large selves came out complaining, “I don’t want to have to read my movie!” So they went to see Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2. Bwhahaha. I saw them coming out and I asked them how the movie was, they said, “Great!” I closed my eyes as I penguined away and weeped for ‘Merica.
Beer Three
The puke scene. A 9 year old pukes up about two bowls of oatmeal on an American consolate’s desk while trying to extract a chip that is suppose to identify her… yeah. You know what happens when you see someone puke in real life, I get the same urge to vomit. Even the sound gets my stomach boiling.
Beer Four
It’s not often a movie shows off Parkour, the act of moving through any environment by vaulting, rolling, running, climbing and jumping (source). What surprised me was that little Cataleya got away from three Colombians Parkouring after her. In an attempt to capture her alive, because she had a chip that could destroy them all, three men go after her, tumbling all over the place, jumping through windows, and just hauling ass. Really, just a major epic fail.
In case you haven’t seen Parkour done in a while.
Beer Five
For the scene where her Uncle casually kills a bystander with a gun to prove a point about how becoming an assassin is not the way to go. I rolled my eyes that after this heinous crime to prove a point, they just walked away from the whole scene without incident. What I couldn’t understand was whether or not he did those things because he was under the protection of the CIA. However, this scene is so ridiculous I’d suggest chugging this beer.
The fight scenes are a bunch of camera shaking and close ups cutting away, masking the cheesy fighting. I kind of felt like Zoe Saldana was slumming it in this one. Could she be pulling a Queen Latifah ala Taxi after her performance in Chicago? While Zoe didn’t win an Oscar, she did star in the biggest film of 2009. In fact, Zoe seemed to be the only actress in the movie that tried to work with what she had. The rest of the actors were just there to play a stereotype.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a drink: anytime time someone dies.
Take a drink: anytime you see an Orchid Symbol.
Take a shot: whenever Spanish is spoken.
