Trailer Reviews: The Founder, The Resurrection of Gavin Stone, Split, & xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

By: Hawk Ripjaw- 

The Founder

McDonald’s. You eat it. We all eat it. You can say you don’t like McDonald’s; hell, you can feel like you’ve got a rock in your stomach every time you eat there, like me. But you’re going to eat some fucking McDonald’s at some point. Sometimes I’ll still drive the 5 minutes on a lunch break to get my chicken nuggets on. And a little part of me dies every time I order those 20 nuggets, because 10 nuggets is a snack for a 7 year old, and 20 nuggets is a feast that makes a 27 year old want to kill himself. At long last, I can come face to face with the man who has been responsible for my suffering, and he wears the face of Michael Keaton in a biopic about an interesting slice of American food culture, directed by a man whose work I have yet to enjoy. That’s right–I didn’t like The Blind Side or Saving Mr. Banks. But I love Michael Keaton. Likewise, I don’t like the way McDonald’s makes me feel, but those shakes are off the fucking chain–when the damn machine is working, that is. 

Beer Prediction

I expect this to be like the McDonald’s cheeseburgers–just fine, until you’re done with it.


The Resurrection of Gavin Stone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqfkImWycqQ

I took a couple of guesses as to what exactly this movie would be before I saw any trailers or synopses. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone sounds like a possible science fiction movie. Maybe an action movie, with the name Gavin Stone. Box Office Mojo calls it a comedy. Maybe someone has a second coming after a bad childhood? The latter is closer, but not quite. Apparently it’s a Christian movie about a guy who commits a crime and, to avoid community service, auditions to be in a Christian play, and then turns into a Christian, because if you go near Jesus, he gon git you anyway. The power of Christ compels him! To be in another movie about those rascal atheists being wrong! To be fair, this looks far less egregious than, say, the God’s Not Dead movies. In fact, this looks like a movie that might legitimately be decent, without trying to shove a message down our throats. It’s a story about a dude that learns not to be a dick, and isn’t that something we can all enjoy?

Beer Prediction

I’m still going to wait for Netflix.

 

Split

I’ve never been a fan of M. Night Shyamalan. No, not even The Sixth Sense or Signs. Unbreakable was good. The Village was shit almost before I knew what shit was. The Last Airbender was a baffling hack job. The Happening? Beautiful high camp. With The Visit, it appeared that he was about to return to movies that he seemed to give a shit about. And for the first time, I’m excited for whatever the twist that everyone’s talking about will be. At this point, the trailers and even the posters and tagline are telling us what the climax will be, but this apparently still is not the crazy final reveal. Whatever that turns out being, it shouldn’t be the sole reason for seeing Split, since A) James McAvoy is a gift from the heavens, and B) This is the best-reviewed Shyamalan movie in 15 years. 

Beer Prediction

I think I am finally ready to forgive Shyamalan for Lady in the Water.

 

xXx: The Return of Xander Cage

Sweet mother, this looks amazing. Skiing without snow? Dirtbike surfing without dirt? Exploding planes and satellites? Vin Diesel? After the Diesel-less State of the Union failed to to entertain 11 years ago (although I still go back to it as a source of “so bad it’s good” entertainment), the Diesel-fueled Return of Xander Cage looks to be so ridiculous, it’s awesome. It underlines an important thing about movies: you can be as stupid as you want, but if you can own that shit, and have fun with it, you will soar on the wings of cinematic junk food excellence. I could tell you the plot, but who cares about the plot? Vin Diesel gets his fur coat back, Toni Collette hams it up, and everyone else gets to do absurd stunts and kick, punch, and shoot their way through an army of extras. AND THEY SURF. USING. DIRT BIKES. 

Beer Prediction

Regardless of who you are, I’m not going to change your mind. You will know exactly how much you will enjoy this from the first moments of the trailer.

About Hawk Ripjaw

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