By: Hawk Ripjaw –
I think I might have accidentally agreed to a double date. Someone please save me.
The Case for Christ
Oh goody, it’s the latest in international theatrical release movies that tell non-Christians how stupid they are. The Case for Christ is about Lee Strobel, a very talented legal editor for the Chicago Tribune who learns that wife has found Jesus. Strobel says “No, fuck you”, and sets out to prove that theist bitch wrong. He’s jealous, too: as a gosh-darned veteran of Where’s Waldo, the fact that his wife found Jesus first is very upsetting. And what if this Jesus guy takes his wife and kid! Well, He can’t do that if He doesn’t exist! Take that, Jesus! In his quest to finally win an argument with a woman, Strobel encounters a great deal of evidence, a lot of hardship (complicated graphs and God’s Not Dead) and finally arrived at the solution that he was once again wrong. Silly Lee. I’m terrible with relationships and I still you that arguing with your wife is not going to end well.
It looks better than God’s Not Dead?
Going in Style
“Old people robbing a bank” isn’t a bad concept. It’s just not a very good one. Morgan Freeman, still apparently stuck in “I don’t give a shit” mode, is the butt of a lot of old person jokes along with Alan Arkin and Michael Caine, as they decide to stick it to the banks and steal some money from them, all while being quirky and lovable. What the movie seems to be neglecting to explore are the real ramifications of aging, no matter how old you are: losing the ones you love, everyone else forgetting about you, and the ever-increasing feeling of existential dread as you slowly lose your sense of self-worth. Steal that back, Morgan Freeman.
I wonder if they all die in the end.
Smurfs: The Lost Village
Have you ever made a mistake? Not like a “oh, I forgot to sign that piece of paperwork” or “oops, I shot my husband and I don’t know what to do with the body that isn’t perverted.” It isn’t even “I didn’t really want to be President and now I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” I’m talking “The first Smurfs: The Lost Village trailer looks not-horrible, and pretty colorful, and I wouldn’t hate reviewing it.” I have committed one of those mistakes. Hint: I’m not married, I’m not the President and I am the one who audits the paperwork. Yes, I accidentally opted in to review Smurfs: The Lost Village because I ranked it higher on my list than Unforgettable, a sure-to-be-amazing Katherine Heigl erotic thriller, and the entirety of the remaining MovieBoozer staff. I’m reviewing this because, in a bad case of Election 2016, I ranked Smurfs: The Lost Village #6 on my list of April films just because almost everything below it was very likely to be worse. Now, that’s just kind of sad.
I’m starting to think I made a mistake.