By: Hawk Ripjaw –
If there’s one thing that makes me optimistic for Rampage, it’s that the movie appears to have a very good sense of humor about itself. How can you not, though? The worst thing a movie based on an 80s video game about giant monsters could do is try to take the serious, gritty action movie route. That’s the first advantage Rampage has against last month’s dour Tomb Raider. The second is a bunch of giant monsters tearing the city of Chicago another anus you didn’t even know it had space for. It doesn’t matter what the movie is, if it has giant monsters destroying a city you can always add a slight handicap to the fun factor. Finally, the fact that the Rampage video game doesn’t really have much of a significant story to speak of means that the movie can take the blueprint of the video games and make its own story out of it, which is going to be either very fun or very generic. But as generic as it might get, there’s still the “Dwayne Johnson is friends with a giant ape about to fight a giant wolf and a giant crocodile in the heart of Chicago” and that sounds pretty damn cool.
If there’s one thing I’m really hopeful for, it’s the prevailing Internet rumor/wish that Dwayne Johnson himself get a whiff of that space vapor and turns into a giant version of himself to go toe-to-toe with the monsters. If you thought the Rock was cooking something before, he’s got the stove and the oven going this time. Unfortunately, that probably won’t happen.
Sgt Stubby: An American Hero
I remain partially convinced that at some point, our universe rotated just a couple of degrees off of its standard trajectory and pitched itself into a bizarre alternate reality in which a celebrity is President, tilapia isn’t necessarily good for you, and a cheap-looking animated movie called Sgt. Stubby has higher critical acclaim than either a Blumhouse horror film or a Dwayne Johnson movie. Sgt. Stubby looks much like something that a studio just kind of forgot they made and never released. It looks dated, it looks basic, and it looks boring. But it also has a 90% on Rotten Tomatoes so at the very least it’s hard to hate, right?
I’m also pretty sure I saw a chef swing at a puppy with a meat cleaver in the opening seconds of the trailer.
Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare
I’m not entirely certain why this Blumhouse movie has to include their name in the actual title, especially when the concept for the film is so specific and weird (and not in a good way).
Actually, I just looked it up, and it turns out that a movie with the same title and a very similar concept was on SyFy late last year and got some pretty good reviews, so this movie was probably born from the same idea and got beaten to the punch. So now Blumh–excuse me, Oscar Winning Blumhouse for Get Out (Best Original Screenplay, not that they had anything to do with that) has a case of Head Up Ass for brand recognition.
Based on the trailer, I’m not sure if anyone would want their name directly attached to this, because the trailer is basically a parade of bad ideas that make one wonder how no one, at the very least, raised their hand to point out that a demon face that looks like a Snapchat filter looks really, really fucking stupid. As far as the apparent rules of the game, which also appear to make no sense, there’s not really any sense of tension or excitement in the movie. The final nail in the coffin is director Jeff Wadlow, who put the Kick-Ass franchise in the dirt with the sequel and gave Netflix watchers one more button press to go through as they skipped over True Memoirs of an International Assassin. Of all things for Blumhouse to directly label as their own, this is not the right one to do it on.
It does look kind of funny, though.