By: Hawk Ripjaw –
So, you’re telling me that this movie features a relationship involving a girl who has a life- threatening sensitivity to sunlight, so her boyfriend can only take her out at night. “Um, yes please?” would be the expected response from some people looking for something not quite akin to a regular relationship. Nighttime? Where literally everything happens for dates? Shows? Drinking games? Bonfires? A medical condition where you can only go out at night is a golden ticket for relationship bliss.
Also, can we please get the fuck away from this “trendy terminal illness” trope that YA movies are all about these days? Having a unique sickness that alienates you from everyone except for your one true love isn’t romantic, it’s stupid. These movies define their character by their illness instead of their personality. Midnight Sun goes the extra mile by having its main character, who is basically a vampire, fall in love with someone who she’s been stalking. This is a great example of a movie that got made as part of the wrong genre. This could have been a spiritual successor to Near Dark, but instead we’ve got this crap.
Might as well see Thoroughbreds a second time.
Pacific Rim: Uprising
I know I’m kind of nitpicking about a franchise involving giant robots fighting giant kaiju from an interdimensional portal, but does the action in the movie feel kind of… weightless? The original had such a heavy, punchy feel to it and the way the robots moved especially felt as realistic as giant robots could feel. The new movie’s “Jaegers,” as they’re called, just look like Transformers, bouncing around and smashing through buildings like they’re paper. Their pilots aren’t commandeering creaky behemoths of destruction, they’re inside CGI flying around the screen because physics don’t matter anymore.
But why the hell am I complaining? It’s monsters vs. robots.
It’s time to check ourselves, guys. The original was really cool. It was not the pinnacle of plot and character development that everyone seems to want the sequel to live up to. These are dumb-fun movies and the new one is probably going to also be dumb fun.
Paul, Apostle of Christ
You would think that a movie that has the word “Christ” in the title and features the Jesus actor Jim Caviezel would have Mr. Caviezel playing Christ. You would be wrong. For some probably-intentional reason, Caviezel is playing the apostle Luke. But not Jesus. Initially, I was tickled by the fact that “Christ” would be appearing in a movie that features His name, but apparently he doesn’t. This is a great missed opportunity for some fourth-wall-breaking humor.
Everyone knows God has a sense of humor. Everyone knows that it’s gonna rain if you get your car washed (so if you want it to rain, all you have to do is spend some money on a car wash. Results will scale on the cost of the wash). When God told Abraham he was going to have a son, Abraham was like “Joke’s on you, bro, my wife can’t have kids, and also I’m literally a hundred years old and my dick hasn’t worked since my 50th college reunion and my wife is so old I might as well get a hammer and chisel and excavate a baby out of her belly.” And God was like “No, joke’s on YOU, and you’re going to call him Isaac, which means ‘he laughs,’” and then blam-o, his wife was pregnant. Years later, God would prank Abraham again and tell him that he’d have to sacrifice him. Abraham almost goes through with it and God was like “haha, gotcha” and everyone lived happily ever after. Or at least as happily as one could in a world without…
Oh, the movie? Yeah, it looks okay.
I do love that poster shot of the two main characters in their bizarre cheeks-close-together selfie shot.
I had this horrible thought as I was watching the trailer for Sherlock Gnomes, when it showed that this movie is from the director of Kung Fu Panda. I thought it was referring to Mark Osborne, who recently directed the powerful The Little Prince, which stands as one of my favorite animated films of the last decade. I was going to have to support him by going to watch this, as much as I felt that this looked like shit. Luckily, this is directed by Osborne’s Kung Fu Panda co-director, so I am relinquished from having to spend time and money on in. This is a sequel to an Elton John-produced animated film about anthropomorphic garden gnomes reenacting Romeo & Juliet. Except now they’ve (unfortunately) survived and they need to hire a Sherlock Gno–NO I REFUSE–Holmes Gnome to find some friends or something, AND THERE’S A PART WHERE A GNOME KNOWN FOR HIS HORRIFYING ATTIRE SHAKES HIS ASS AT THE CAMERA AND HIS ASS CHEEKS ARE ROSY RED. Like, what the fuck?
This trailer makes me want to scream.
I’ll probably say it every time he makes a movie, but I love Steven Soderbergh. I was deeply disappointed back when he said he was going to retire after Behind the Candelabra, and I really, really hoped that he’d come back. The movie gods accepted the blood sacrifice and Soderbergh never actually retired. I’m starting to wonder if I wished a bit too hard.
The reason I like Soderbergh so much is that he’s so unpredictable. Fuck JJ Abrams and his stupid fucking “mystery box” pandering bullshit that goes nowhere (and fuck YOU, Cloverfield Paradox). Soderbergh is the real mystery box, shifting to new ideas and genres with each film. He’s made something in nearly every major film genre and several more in a number of subgenres. He feels like a director that loves to try and learn new things all the time. With Unsane, he’s going into psychological horror/thriller… shot on an iPhone 7, for some reason. Excuse me, iPhone 7 PLUS. I think Soderbergh said that shooting on an iPhone is “the future” of filmmaking. Based on the trailer, I guess the picture looks fine, but it definitely looks like a step below what we’re used to with Soderbergh, and the audio has an uncomfortable “student film” feel to it. But shit, this looks visceral. As much as I want to say that shooting on an iPhone sounds stupid, Soderbergh seems like the kind of person that could make it work. But it also sort of feels like he’s really trying new stuff to renew his passion for filmmaking, and that lack of passion is why he wanted to retire in the first place. So do we respect that he’s willing to try something new, or respect that he was trying to retire before we begged hard enough to come back?
Doesn’t matter, I’m seeing it anyway.