Trailer Reviews: Gold, Resident Evil: The Final Chapter, & A Dog’s Purpose

By: Hawk Ripjaw –



Given how many times this was delayed, it’s moderately clear that the title for this movie is indicative for the lust for a different kind of gold: the kind that comes in early February. Now here we are in the beginning of January after the movie got its wide release pushed (though uselessly retaining a limited December release to still get an awards chance), and it looks kind of like if gold hunters had christened Wolf of Wall Street as their favorite movie. I don’t know much about this, except that ever since a few years ago McConaughey started giving a shit, and now he’s kind of awesome even in things that suck. Gold is from the director of a handful of movies that a lot of people like but probably only watched once. Don’t get me wrong, this definitely looks kind of decent, but I’m not really coming up with any reason why I should see it, even if the radio tells me every morning I should invest my money in a “real” currency.

Beer Prediction

I don’t even want to see this, but it’ll probably be the best movie of the weekend.


Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

One of the most egregious examples of “we make this shit up as we go along” movie franchises is Resident Evil, coming out in the same month as another confusing long-running series: Underworld. When your franchise about zombies makes less sense than one about a lady dressed like a dominatrix caught in the middle of a vampire/werewolf war, you have issues. Let’s see if I can just pull this from memory: the first Resident Evil game was a fairly-contained action horror movie where Alice goes into a facility, meets some zombies, and a lot of supporting characters die. There’s also an evil AI called The Red Queen. In the second one, Alice and her lover are topside and fighting through Raccoon City, and her lover turns into a giant monster that kills a lot of people until he remembers he had a thang with Alice, and then doesn’t kill her.

The third movie decided it wanted to be Mad Max, and takes place in a desert where the world’s oceans have dried up. Also, Alice has telekinesis and she fights a scientist who also has powers, and we learn that Alice also has clones. In the fourth movie, the oceans are apparently not dried up, and all of Alice’s clones die. A lot of the movie takes place in a prison, there is a ton of 3D slow-motion, and most of the ending doesn’t make any sense. The fifth movie apparently was getting made before anyone knew what story they wanted to tell, so the different globetrotting locales are actually just in an Umbrella simulation and a lot of the characters from the first movie come back. This movie literally didn’t make any sense. With the final film, it looks like we’re going to get way more of what we’ve seen before, including a complete disregard for continuity and editing. Does anyone even care?

Beer Prediction

It’s going to suck.


A Dog’s Purpose

What’s more emotionally manipulative than a dog dying in a movie? How about a dog who gets stuck in a Groundhog Day-style loop where it continues to live a full life, die, and get reincarnated as a different dog? That’s right, presumably you get to witness a variety of adorable reincarnated dogs kick the bucket throughout this movie, as one dog continues through the same cycle of live and death, experiencing the lives of different dogs, until he finally learns his true purpose. Anyone want to bet that his purpose is to make Dennis Quaid less sad? To be with his original owner forever? Is that every dog’s purpose? Is anyone ever going to catch onto this deliberately emotionally manipulative nonsense these pet movies peddle? 

Beer Prediction

I refuse to succumb to this emotional tomfoolery.

About Hawk Ripjaw

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