By: Hawk Ripjaw –
Ah, one of my favorite weeks: one where a distributor clearly didn’t give a shit about their movie, so they just drop it whenever. Question is, which one did that this weekend?
The Dark Tower
Almost a month ago, I entertained the idea of reading the entire Dark Tower series in preparation for the movie: by a rough, baked estimate, around 4,250 pages. Around the same time, life walked up and delivered the mother of all roundhouse kicks straight to my face. Now here we are, right now, a mere 35 pages into the first book and .82% of the entire series. Needless to say, as much as a meticulous planner as I am, some plans just don’t happen,and I’ll go into the film not knowing much about the story, and probably getting most of the books spoiled for me.
Maybe it doesn’t matter: Firstly, this is sort of a sequel to the books and dumps disparate elements from all of them into a blender. Secondly, it apparently sucks. While I’d be just stupid to expect a movie based on an “unfilmable” western/sci-fi/horror epic series, languishing in development hell for over a decade and changing directors and actors so often we’ve lost count, and finally here in a 95-minute feature written by The Grandmaster of Shit Akiva Goldsman, and hastily recut after disastrous test screenings, to be good, I still had some hope. Sometimes hope is all we have. And sometimes, something comes along to take that away.
I don’t think we live in a time where we’re allowed to be optimistic anymore.
Every once in a while, there is a trailer that completely grabs my attention. It causes me to lean forward in my chair as I thirstily drink in everything laid before me. I ignore what’s around me, and I involve myself completely in what I see. I say to myself, “I have to see this.” Immediately, warm, familiar feelings of self-hatred and chaotic glee wash over me. Sometimes I can’t even tell the difference. Kidnap is that movie. It starts off innocently enough, with Halle Berry playing with her kid in the park, until she realizes she hasn’t been playing with her kid, and her kid has been kidnapped. Halle Berry proceeds to endanger or kill multiple civilians on the highway, and delay countless more, as she chases down the villains.
Trailers and TV spots feature an absurd escalation of violence, to the point where my roommate quietly took the name of Jesus Christ in vain when the teasers showed up late at night. Clearly, this is the new age of Halle Berry movies: a child gets kidnapped, and Berry develops a laser focus on that child’s rescue, no matter the cost or collateral damage. My seatbelt is secure.
I’m giddy. This might be the most hilarious piece of shit I’ll see so far this year.