Trailer Reviews: Collide, Get Out, & Rock Dog

By: Hawk Ripjaw –

Did you know that Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice gets a lot more entertaining after about a gram of weed and four guys?

Collide

Thoughts on the trailer for Collide:

Felicity Jones is not a convincing girlfriend for Nicholas Hoult, and it really doesn’t work with the continuity of A Monster Calls, where she played someone’s mom, but with cancer. Jones does appear to like playing people that are sick or dying, and I’d argue her best one was in Inferno.

“It’s nearly $200,000,” says Felicity Jones, talking about the kidney transplant she needs. That sounded a little high so I Googled it. Once you factor in everything from pre-transplant treatment to the drugs so your body doesn’t try to Donald Trump your new, foreign kidney, you’re looking at almost $263,000. Looks like someone did their research!

What’s suspicious is that Google also helpfully let me know that on the black market, kidneys go for–you guessed it–about $200,000. What an oddly specific coincidence.

The website also mentions the cost for “Heart Only,” which is weird because that word “only” kind of makes it sound like a fucking heart transplant is the “No thanks, I don’t want fries with that” of organ surgery.

Every older actor apparently gets to a point where they just want a role where they can wear weird glasses and act like a lunatic, and no one will blame it on cocaine. Likewise, Anthony Hopkins frequently gets to a point where all he wants in a movie is to act like Hannibal Lecter.

Why do bad guys always leave the keys in the car?

Felicity Jones literally doesn’t do anything in this trailer besides look unhappy. Probably like I will be when I watch the movie.

Beer Prediction

This… is probably not going to be good.

 

Get Out

Hooray! From one half of the comedy duo who made jokes about ethnicity that were safe to laugh at because the guys that made them are also black, comes a hilarious new movie about

RACIST LIBERALS WHO USE HYPNOSIS TO APPARENTLY TURN BLACK PEOPLE MINDLESS

Well, shit. This might get nuts. Racism is weird, right? There are people who are super racist, and then there are people who cross to the other side of the street when someone with darker skin than them is walking in their direction, then there are people who feel good about themselves when they can smile or chat with someone who has a different skin pigmentation. That’s kinda racist.

Beer Prediction

You know those people who insist they’re not racist? Like they go out of their way? A lot of them are just saying that because they are embarrassed to be a little bit racist. That’s what this movie appears to be calling out.

 

Rock Dog

I’m not sure I understand the internal mythology/societal dynamics of this movie. First we’re told that these animals are “bred” for a specific purpose, and then they’re driving cars around and doing people stuff like that was the only fucking thing that distinguished Zootopia.  That’s problematic, because while Zootopia actually did something by incorporating an important message into its story, Rock Dog tells you to go for your dreams, and fuck everyone else. Now, how many people do you know that went for their dreams and succeeded? Follow-up question, how many people do you know that went for their dreams, crashed and burned horribly, and are now living out a bitter, hollow lie as a shell barely able to contain a single spark of the fire they once had? That’s what I thought.

Moreover, dogs don’t have opposable thumbs! They can’t play the guitar! I tried to get my friend’s dog to play the guitar, and it was adorable but he couldn’t do it. Not even “Smoke on the Water.” He just kept trying to lick my face and chew on my ear. AND WHY CAN THE DOGS IN THIS MOVIE THROW FIREBALLS? THIS SOCIETY MAKES NO SENSE!

Beer Prediction

It’s a movie about a fucking bipedal dog playing fucking guitar. How good do YOU think that could be? Although Sam Elliott plays a character named Fleetwood Yak, soooooooooooooooooooo…….

 

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