By: Hawk Ripjaw –
How do gorillas get so muscular? Have you actually ever seen one lifting weights?
Here we have a dangerous example of Hollywood trends. After the Inception trailer, we were served a lifetime of electronic trailer stings (which is admittedly a guilty pleasure of mine). Avengers made a billion dollars and now even King Kong has an extended cinematic universe. Now, CHiPs continues the trend brought on by 21 Jump Street a few years ago of TV shows that no one has given a shit about since before you were probably born being turned into raunchy comedies. Honestly, that’s paid off so far (besides, of course, the first earlier attempts with The Dukes of Hazzard and Taxi, which both were not good). 21 Jump Street and its sequel were very clever parodies of the very concept of these adaptations (and the expensive emptiness of sequels). Baywatch will probably be a silly jab at all of the silly stuff considered cool back in 1989. CHiPs, besides featuring a stylized logo that is very tedious to type out, actually sucked in the first place, and doesn’t really have any foundation for good comedy besides “Uhhhh…buddy cops?” This does not bode well.
Looks like this movie is making a bet that’s going to cost it all of the chips on the table. I understand that I could have crafted that joke better or just not said it at all.
Versatility is a great thing. Take, for example, Rhett Reese, one of the two writers of Life. Most recently, he also wrote Deadpool, Zombieland, and G.I. Joe: Retaliation with his writing partner Paul Wernick. If you go back farther, you’ll also see that Reese had writing credits on Clifford’s Really Big Movie and Cruel Intentions 3 (which I didn’t even know existed). And now they’re giving us Life, a space horror movie about an alien that wiped out life on Mars and will do Earth as well unless a bunch of very good-looking astronauts can stop it. Word on the street is that this is actually surprisingly good, which is fine, although I’m still mildly disappointed that this movie’s initially-secretive advertising campaign is no longer so secretive. Earlier fan theorizing suggested that this was either the next crazy JJ Abrams Cloverfield tie-in, or–and I don’t think anyone truly believed this–a well-disguised prequel to the recently-announced Venom movie from Sony. It’s neither of these, but if it’s as fun as Thursday night’s audiences have been saying, I’m still all right with it.
I’m honestly sold. I’m not sure I trust Ridley Scott after Prometheus, awesome Alien: Covenant trailer notwithstanding (Suicide Squad proved you can have an awesome trailer for a terrible movie). That being said, Life might be the space horror flick to beat this year.
I would love to meet Haim Saban, the creator of the original Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers show. Anyone who can come up with a concept that involves teenagers learning martial arts and commandeering giant robot animals that can combine into one even giant-er robot in order to defeat an evil alien sorceress is someone who is very much at peace with who he is. Over time, the series has gotten progressively stupider/shittier/more awesome (just kidding on that last one, I don’t think you can even get that drunk), with incarnations including dinosaurs, samurai, time travel, cyber-terrorism, and the post-apocalypse. All of those things are awesome, but it’s time to return to Mr. Saban’s original creation. We can save that crazy shit for one of the planned five sequels. For now, we have been blessed by something wonderful. Elizabeth Banks making a four-course meal of the scenery as Rita Repulsa. However bad the rest of the movie turns out, we still have that.
What if Teletubbies was the next show to get a gritty movie adaptation? I’ll keep taking these depending on how nutty they want to get.
Great. Basketball. The only thing I hate more than baseball and scurvy. Well, there are other things I hate more than that, obviously, like Satan and the feeling of Styrofoam against my skin at dawn’s early light, but that other stuff is more relevant. You know what else I hate? Bad writing. And bad direction, and editing. And bad movies. Like what Slamma Jamma probably is. I really hated to watch the Slamma Jamma trailer, snark locked and loaded, only to get sandbagged by a religious message. Why can’t religious movies not be garbage? Great messages are awesome, I volunteer at Vacation Bible School all the time (partly because whoever designs these things has their arts and crafts game on lock). In a matter of seconds, my opinion on Slamma Jamma goes from “this looks like shit” to “I’m going to look like an asshole when I call this well-intentioned religious movie shit.” But nothing, including good intentions, can excuse poor quality.
I want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes with “dude learns about Jesus while doing something he’s surprisingly really good at” subgenre.