by: Hawk Ripjaw –
You may recall just a few months ago, Felix and I closed out our joint review of the awful Fifty Shades Freed by remarking on the inevitability of eventually having to cover something else with a similar theme. I don’t think either of us realized that it would be quite this soon, or quite in this way. As we are forever cursed to cover these movies forever, we were of course compelled to do this, given the plot’s focus on the books. Now, I’m not an aging woman whose only sexual knowledge is what I can reminisce on, but I have read Fifty Shades of Grey. I can therefore assure you that unless you’re aroused by the thought of a man forcibly removing a woman’s tampon and flinging it across the room, there is nothing arousing or invigorating in that book and that you can probably find better narrative pornography on Pinterest.
You can just tell from the trailer whether or not you’re going to like this. It’s one of those trailers that isn’t really all that interesting or intriguing, because there is no intrigue. This movie is made for one very specific demographic, and I couldn’t be further on the spectrum from that demographic. But what’s the point of enjoying a Felix-Ripjaw debate review?
I think the last thing I saw Don Johnson in was when he played the villain of Brawl in Cell Block 99 and I really, really want to see that crossover.
The original Deadpool is a movie I enjoyed exactly one time, and that was it. The movie was dated as soon as the credits started rolling, and besides the (admittedly quite clever) sequence of Deadpool counting his bullets, I didn’t find the movie something I enjoyed coming back to. However, a new Deadpool movie that I can enjoy for the first time again? That’s something I can get on board with. The bigger budget allows the creative team to get a bit crazier. The humor in the trailer looks like it’s more diverse. The action looks way more over the top. I like how this is the lead-up to an X-Force movie. Best of all, Ryan Reynolds looks delighted. This is a character he’s been desperate to bring to the big screen for years. He got shit all over in Origins: Wolverine and he still persevered and made it happen. This should be good fun. In fact, the only thing I’m slightly disappointed in is that Fox appeared to really be leaning towards something really stupid for the movie’s actual title before they settled on Deadpool 2. It didn’t even have an official title until the middle of last month. I was hoping for Untitled Deadpool Sequel. Whatever it was going to be called, it won’t change the movie itself.
I also have to give a special mention to this “Meet Cable” trailer for the ingenious riff on Toy Story right down to the minute details (look how he wrote his name on the feet of his action figures).
I’ve been watching bullshit all week, so this is going to be my reward.
As Ken Eckman and I worked through our Hawk & Ken Survive series of talking dog movies, we started to notice, as one does when they re-experience multiple flavors of the same horrible thing, that there is one man who does talking dog movies right. Robert Vince, with the hair, name, and smile of a WWE superstar, is the current reigning auteur of movies–no, films–with talking dogs or other animals doing non-animal shit. Now, they are not good movies by any stretch of the imagination. They are, however, significantly better and made with more thought than most other talking dog movies. That’s a sentence that I never thought I’d write, but a man can go crazy after a solid January week of nonstop talking dog movies.
That’s why the fact that Show Dogs is directed by Raja Gosnell (Scooby-Doo, both Smurfs movies) is so ominous. Gosnell does not make good movies. Maybe Scooby-Doo comes the closest to being okay, but that’s probably mostly owed to James Gunn writing the (originally R-rated) script. But the weird amount of actual craft in Vince’s movies often is lazily replaced by awful, horrifying CGI in Gosnell’s.
That strongly-accented Papillon is voiced by fucking Stanly Tucci, isn’t he?