By: Hawk Ripjaw –
Boo! A Madea Halloween
A few years ago, I developed a distinct appetite for for movies that were hilariously terrible. Whether they were intentionally made to be shit for entertainment value, or were movies that just happened to be so bad they were funny, I ate them all up. And then something changed. I no longer stopped at movies that were so bad they were funny, and started seeking out movies that were just legitimately, miserably bad. This arguably hit its apex a few years ago with A Madea Christmas, an epic turd of a movie that I knew from the outset would have absolutely no value, but still claimed for review due to some sadistic curiosity or maybe just a desire to suffer (which also defines my dating life). When I got out of A Madea Christmas, half of the town was experiencing a blackout, which means either I hated it so much my rage cut power to the city, or the movie sucked so hard the power grid tried to kill itself. Either way, it was a shitty movie and this doesn’t look much better.
Let’s see what bad thing happens this weekend after A Madea Halloween releases.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
For some reason I have a hard time finding friends who enjoyed the first Jack Reacher, a film that gets tons of love online from faceless Reddit posters and critics. I have some friends that don’t buy the diminutive Tom Cruise as the hulking killing machine that featured in the books (a somewhat legitimate criticism), and others that just don’t think the movies are fun. That’s fine and completely subjective, but this guy has two thumbs and loved the shit out of Jack Reacher. It even had a good Jai Courtney performance! The series about a retired special forces officer continues with Reacher investigating why members of his unit are being killed, while wasting the hell out of everyone that tries to come at him. So far I haven’t seen anything in the trailers suggesting a villain as great as Werner Herzog (really though, who is?) but what clinched the TV spots for me was the conversation, “What you hear in my voice is excitement.” Regardless of context or intent, I’d run like hell if I heard Tom Cruise tell me that over the phone.
Unfortunately, since I’m reviewing the Madea movie, I have to wait a couple of days to get this one into my eye holes.
Keeping Up with the Joneses
This is anyone’s guess as to how good it will be, but despite my excitement in seeing a bunch of actors I really like in a movie that could be a lot of fun, I have a sneaking suspicion that it will not be very good. I don’t normally worry about a PG-13 rating, but given the fact that it seemed to sort of hobble Masterminds, I’m a little concerned. That said, little about the movie seems to demand a raunchier rating, because the foundation of an actual funny movie needs to be in place first. I said I wanted this movie to be “fun.” “Fun” is a term used to describe an afternoon trip to the mall, or trying to watch your roommate’s one night stand try to escape the house undetected in the morning. “Fun” is not the exclusive label you want to apply to a movie.
Given the magnetism of Zach Galifianakis, coupled with his general inability to save an entire movie, it might be fun… but that’s it.
Ouija: Origin of Evil
The “all the cool horror movies are retro, so we want to do it too” movie of the week is Ouija: Origin of Evil, the inexplicable prequel to that awful Michael Bay-produced teen horror flick from a few years ago. I had an employee at the time who told me it was “good” and “pretty scary,” which was coincidentally the exact moment I knew he probably wasn’t going to work out. I don’t remember much about the original besides thinking that getting sucked to Hell would be a welcome reprieve from watching the movie, but this change to a prequel in the 60s is almost definitely a power play to cash in on the success of the Conjuring movies. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as setting the movie 50 years ago, which is something everyone is about to learn the hard way.
This weekend, the phrase “It’s better than the original” isn’t going to be a statement of praise anymore.