By: Hawk Ripjaw –
Blade Runner 2049 is 2 hours and 43 minutes long. That’s quite a time investment. Almost as much time as the average person spends trying to figure out which version of the original Blade Runner is the right one.
Blade Runner 2049
Denis Villenueve? Roger Deakins? That’s already a match proven to be made in heaven, but when you throw in the moody sci-fi backdrop that inspired an entire generation of multimedia stories for them to portray, it’s perfect. The intoxicating marriage of bright primary colors and dirty, dystopian locales looked great when Scott did it,and Deakins looks ready to match it. Toss in the current King of Brood Ryan Gosling, whose weird transformation from hunky Notebook star to “That guy from Drive who just stares blankly in a way that makes him creepy” makes him a great choice for sci-fi noir. There’s almost nothing holding it back.
An R-rated movie with a $150 million budget is usually not a successful recipe, but it’s got chefs that….know how to…make it tasty? Metaphors are tricky.
The Mountain Between Us
I’m hearing some mild rumblings that The Mountains Between us may be…selling a different movie from what we’re actually getting this weekend. Apparently, this is less “harrowing survival movie” than it is “heartwarming romantic drama in which Idris Elba and Kate Winslet get it on after their plane crashes.” Yes, this is apparently a completely standard romance with a backdrop of being stranded in the cold wilderness with only someone else’s body heat to keep you warm. Even the movie’s official Twitter account has revealed that the dog lives. For me, that means I’ve gone from general disinterest, to mild interest, to total indifference. If the marketing team can’t figure out how to tell me what this movie is supposed to be, chances are the movie doesn’t even know.
Idris Elba gets more free passes than my eventual wife, and that’s even after Dark Tower. There’s no way this can be that bad.
My Little Pony: The Movie
Fandom is a funny thing, isn’t it? For a while, I wondered why exactly My Little Pony had such a huge fanbase of adult men. And then I remembered that I’ve seen the Post-9/11 Mike Myers Cat in the Hat more times than most of the movies I’ve seen in my life, and I really can’t talk. Not that I’m a fan of that movie, but the time investment has to mean something, right? That means that they’ve actually got a leg up on me since they’re investing their time on something they actually like, while I’m just making myself miserable at every chance I get. Shit….when was the last time you compared yourself to a Brony and lost?
The movie still looks like shit.