Trailer Reviews: Black Panther, Early Man, & Samson

By: Hawk Ripjaw –

Black Panther

More than most trailers I’ve watched recently, there are none more “Hey, look at all this awesome shit” than the trailer for Black Panther.

That ship flies through a force field into Wakanda! That’s dope!

His suit is made of vibranium, which is indestructible. That’s pretty sweet.

If you punch his suit, it collects that kinetic energy and punches you back harder. THAT’S dope. 

Do I spy a James Bond vibe to the scene where he’s getting shown suits? I hope so.

Michael B. Jordan also has a Panther suit! That’s… not surprising at all. But he still looks like a badass.

I don’t know what that fight scene is under the crazy sci-fi train but it looks sweeeeeeeet.

Afrofuturism is something I can 100% be okay with seeing more of.

Damn, that’s a sweet-ass wrist launcher gun and HOLY SHIT BLACK PANTHER IS RUNNING ON THE BUILDING. 

Beer Prediction

A cool-ass Marvel action movie that’s also culturally and racially respectful! Everybody wins!

 

Early Man

Is there any production studio as reliably top-shelf as Aardman? These folks have yet to release something that wasn’t just absolutely great, and their claymation efforts are industry-leading in their detail (except for maybe Laika–Kubo and the Two Strings was an absurdly accomplished film). And the style of the characters’ faces in any Aardman movie is just… hilarious. Early Man seems a bit off, for some reason. The trailer doesn’t quite have the same punch as say, Wallace & Gromit, and the whole soccer storyline isn’t necessarily the type of storyline that will have broad appeal, but everything else in the trailer, especially the Bronze Age villains, are on point. And like very Aardman movie, it still looks really funny. That’s just fine.

Beer Prediction

Even if it doesn’t reach the high bar of other Aardman movies, it’s like saying you like one item on the menu of a very good restaurant slightly less than another. You still get to eat at the really good restaurant.

 

Samson

Samson is one of the weirder stories in the Bible. It’s also metal as hell. The titular character possesses superhuman strength and it all comes from his long, luscious mane of hair and because his mom didn’t drink alcohol. Samson fucks people up. He fights battles on his own. He doesn’t lead an army; HE IS THE ARMY. And he uses his left army and his right army to punch enemy soldiers until they stop breathing or run out of limbs. HE IS A SAVAGE MACHINE. He causes endless problems for the Philistines, the evil tribe that wanted to kill the Isrealites and take their land away from them. 

But before all that, he encountered a lion in the wilderness and ripped it apart with his bare hands and eats the honey out of its tummy. It bears mentioning that several older versions of the Bible liken his ease of tearing the lion to doing the same to “a kid,” which was startling until I remembered that a kid is a baby goat and the Bible is not actually casually discussing murder of human children by tearing them apart. Also once he made a riddle to thirty houseguests and bet them if they answer the riddle he’ll give all of them nice clothes. They cheat by forcing Samson’s wife to get him to tell her the answer, which she relays to them, so Samson cheats by murdering thirty other people for their clothes to make good on the bet. Then he gets very angry and storms away.

Later his wife’s dad says “oh, I thought you hated your wife so she got married to the best man from your wedding instead and you get her younger sister, because she’s hotter.” Samson is very upset by this, but he only married his wife in the first place because she’s Philistine and he wanted a way to get closer to the Philistines and get his murder on some more. Anyway, for revenge he captures like 300 foxes and ties torches to their tails so they run through the Philistine fields and burn their crops.

This makes the Philistines very angry, so they push Samson’s ex-wife and her family into a fire. This makes Samson even angrier, so he lets himself get captured before doing the old “I meant to get captured” and breaks free and murders a thousand Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey he happens across on the ground. Seriously, he does. 

Samson has fallen hard for a Philistine woman named Delilah. However, Delilah has her own agenda. The Philistines have Delilah trying to get Samson to tell her how he can be tied up to the point of helplessness.  Samson starts by feeding her several lines of bullshit, such as “If you tie me up in my sleep I will be rendered completely powerless, lol.” He pranks her for a while like this, and she continues to try and fail to subdue him. This usually results in Samson continuing to drain the Philistine gene pool as he breaks from his bonds and rips some more arms off. Finally, he reveals to Delilah that his thick, flowing mane of hair is the secret to his power. This is weird because I feel like Samson would start to get suspicious after three instances of the girl he’s sleeping with asking him how to subdue him and him waking up bound in that way with men appearing to try to kill him. 

Samson was apparently a very deep sleeper, because Delilah manages to completely shave his hair after lulling him to sleep, and promptly turns him into the Philistines. As if that’s not enough, the Philistines also gouge Samson’s eyes out and make him a slave in prison, grinding at the mill. This was before prison labor laws so things were not looking good for Samson.

Later, Samson is brought before the Philistines at a temple in Gaza and chained between two pillars, as something for them to laugh at. Samson looks up to heaven in his mind’s eye, because his regular eyes were gouged out, and asks God for strength. God gives Samson a spiritual fist-bump and all of his strength back. Samson proceeds to collapse the pillars he’s chained to and brings the entire temple down, killing himself and everyone in it. It is said that in that moment, he killed more people than he did in his entire life. I’m still not sure what the actual message of this story is, besides to never, ever let someone honeypot you because it will never end well. 

The Bible is fun, isn’t it?

Beer Prediction

I guess I got a little carried away there. I like the Samson story. This movie doesn’t look very good though, does it?

About Hawk Ripjaw

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