By: Hawk Ripjaw –
For some reason, my mind doesn’t want to get these titles right. I keep saying 47 Eyez on Me or just 47 Meterz Down.
47 Meters Down
I totally didn’t even hear about this movie until like a week ago, and by all accounts this looks like a pretty standard horror movie. Let’s take a look:
Friends going outside of their comfort zone to do something new and exotic (check).
They’re totally alone, which means if anything happens to them they’re probably screwed (check).
No safety precautions are taken, which increases the probably of something dangerous happening (check).
JUMP SCARES (check).
Probably some baggage from the past (inconclusive, but come on, man).
Characters screaming, crying, and saying how frightened they are (check!)
Mandy Moore? What year is it?
All Eyez on Me
I really don’t have much of a cultural stake in the events of a Tupac biopic. I do like the music of Tupac, but I didn’t grow up in a crime-filled neighborhood constantly expecting racial oppression. It’s still an interesting culture, and maybe a reason to see the movie, but only to see the man behind the music and how his culture shaped him, and vice versa. It could be a really interesting film with some dynamic performances, especially with Jamal Woolard returning from Notorious. On the other hand, it could be directed from the guy that made Next Day Air and it’ll be a boring, lackluster piece of shit. And that’s really too bad.
A Mandy Moore movie about fucking sharks has a better Rotten Tomatoes score than this.
Sure, third time’s a charm, right? That rule never works for me, especially in dating, so why should I expect it to work here? The last Cars movie was 70% spy movie and 90% Mater acting like a fucking jackass, and people rightfully hated it. If I were Pixar, I’d move on, but at the same time you can’t deny the merchandising benefit, which has added more commas to Disney’s bank account than most of us combined will ever see in our entire lives. It makes money, so Disney keeps wanting them made. There was an interesting theory posited online concerning Cars 3, suggesting that Lightning McQueen’s crash in the trailer is allegorical for the crash that was Cars 2, and now Pixar, like McQueen, needs to return and prove they’ve still got it. Even if that’s not an intentional allegory, it kind of works for this movie. Unfortunately, after Cars 2 I’m having a bit of a trust issue with a new one.
I’m the wrong person for this series. I think the Cars movies suck and they’re only serviceable for their place in the Pixar Theory.
While searching for a reason to be interested in Rough Night, I stumbled across a minor tidbit: apparently this is a pseudo-remake of Peter Berg’s Very Bad Things, a comedy about a bachelor party thrown into disarray after the discovery of a dead body. Dead bodies make for great comedy for some reason, but they’re not the automatic special ingredient. They’re the spice that makes the rest of the dish taste good. Usually. That’s probably not the case here. Although I do love all of the actresses. And some early things I’ve been hearing is that the movie is way better than the trailers would have you believe, which is pretty bold for a comedy given that the last handful of comedy trailers (CHiPs, Baywatch, Snatched, Going in Style) were way better than their actual movies (none of which were very good anyway). But I have nothing better to do this weekend so I guess I’ll spend money on a movie I’m very apathetic about.
I mean, it can’t be as rough as having to take the kids or a girlfriend to Cars 3, right? Right?