By: Hawk Ripjaw –
Underworld: Blood Wars
Years ago, I dated a girl who was obsessed with Underworld, in ways that you don’t need to know about. As weird as that was, the funniest part of her infatuation came when we picked something from Family Christian Stores and, when prompted for an email address at the point of purchase of an illustrated Bible for her niece, she provided the clerk with an email address that contained the term “death-dealer.” The cashier, to her credit, exercised a superhuman force of will as she typed the information into the computer with an impressively nonchalant expression on her face. Either that, or she was an atheist/accepting Christian who didn’t give a fuck what other people did, kind of like human beings should be anyway. Well, as time went on and we went our separate ways, the Underworld movies kept coming out and they kept getting worse. Here we are almost a decade later, these bad boys are still getting released, and fewer people seem to care each time. I don’t think it’s because everyone is growing up, because vampires and werewolves with guns killing each other in environments that blend futuristic laboratories with Gothic castles is something that should always have an audience. There’s also this small contributing factor:
If you haven’t figured it out yet, it’s that these movies have turned into garbage. Blood Wars has the standard vampires vs werewolves, and the bad guy wants Selene’s blood, and there’s a reason for her to not have to drag her daughter around, and there’s another reason for Scott Speedman not being here, and yadda yadda yadda.
Look, I just don’t give a shit about Underworld anymore, ok?