By: Hawk Ripjaw –
I’m gonna take a wild guess and predict that the Rotten Tomatoes/Metacritic scores for Wish Upon are lower than the number of years I’ve been alive, and the scores for War for the Planet of the Apes are higher than the number of years I’ll live to see.
War for the Planet of the Apes
I was a petty man when I was a student of film studies. A bitter, petty man. As in, “I didn’t like Cloverfield very much, and I didn’t think Let Me In was a necessary remake, so fuck Matt Reeves and his movies.” Eventually, I told myself how stupid that is, especially since I enjoyed Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and it turns out I was missing out a seriously good movie in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. This is the kind of series you don’t see too much anymore: real, honest-to-god connective tissue between movies that share one concrete storyline. That fact alone is reason enough to see War, just so we can see that amazing CGI creation Caesar participate in the conclusion of his three-movie arc.
While I’m pretty sure I wasn’t actually that vindictive, and just kind of didn’t get a chance to see Dawn theatrically, I’m at least glad I’m here now to.
It took me several candid viewings of this trailer to figure out that the opening scene shows the mom’s body after she hanged herself, and not just a really tall person turning around to look at the girl.
Speaking of directors, one would be more justified to avoid Wish Upon for a number of verifiable reasons:
- It’s made by the guy that made Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. And The Butterfly Effect 2.
- It’s almost literally a Goosebumps story. And a Twilight Zone episode. And a movie called The Box. And the song “I Wish” from Into the Woods.
- It’s a horror movie whose main attraction is characters getting killed–and it’s rated PG-13.
It looks terrible, but there are reports that this is on a level of camp that makes me cancel weekend plans just to be sure I can experience it. Learning this was the breath of fresh air I needed after all of these ridiculous high-quality movies that I enjoyed for actual reasons. It’s time to go back to the pain of what Hollywood is really about: taking your money and slapping you in the face for being stupid. And I love it.
Look at the thumbnails for the trailers I get to choose from:
Those look like some quality shitty-horror-movie screams. I’m sold.
It’s going to be nice to hate something again.