By: Hawk Ripjaw –
It was a weird night. I started by Googling pictures of men so muscular their head looked too small, and then just started looking up Donald Duck impression tutorial videos.
Studios are starting to realize you can’t just shit out a horror movie from some inexpensive/inexperienced director and expect it to start printing money. Or at least, they can’t do it twice. So after the first film sucks, they make a better sequel with a more insightful director. The current best example is Ouija (dir. Stiles White in his debut, 7% on Rotten Tomatoes) which was trounced by its sequel Origin of Evil (dir. Mike Flanagan of Hush, and 82% on Rotten Tomatoes). The original Annabelle was directed by John R. Leonetti, who’s a talented cinematographer but directed the terrible Mortal Kombat: Annihilation and The Butterfly Effect 2. Annabelle got a 29% on Rotten Tomatoes. For the sequel, we’re gifted by the usually-sure hand of David F. Sandberg (Lights Out, 76% on Rotten Tomatoes). So far, Creation is at a 69%. That’s not bad, but little girls and possessed dolls aren’t as scary as they used to be, so Sandberg will have to bring the atmosphere.
Even if it is good, I’m doubting whether it can reach the bar set by the Conjuring movies.
The Glass Castle
Oftentimes, I will read the synopsis of a movie before I watch the trailer if I don’t know much about it. For The Glass Castle, I read about a “tumultuous upbringing” as the result of “deeply dysfunctional parents” and “Woody Harrelson plays an alcoholic.” Aside from Brie Larson looking sad, I didn’t really know what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t what I watched. Judging off the trailer alone, Woody Harrelson is a fun, carefree dad more focused on doing silly things with his kids than actually being a dad, such as moving everybody between homes, and the occasional hint of him being irresponsible. I still don’t know what the hell the tone is supposed to be.
Look, this weekend I’m watching the sequel to an animated movie I never saw instead of this, so that should tell you how much I like family dramas.
The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature
While talking about cougar encounters with our esteemed Felix Felicis, she mentioned to me that her week was more unpleasant because she had to watch The Nut Job 2, and all I had to deal with was women in their mid 40s approaching me in grocery stores. Competitive as I am, often foolishly so, I immediately decided to also watch it. That way, she would no longer have the worse week, right? I try to not make rash decisions, because when I do, they’re often stupid. Such was the case here, where I claimed victory in my willingness to match a bad week with Felix, without thinking about the fact that she also has to review it. That, Felix, is a bad week. You win. I lose.
But now I have to see The Nut Job 2 because I pledged to do so. And I don’t have to review it. Which means 90 minutes and $9 are being literally thrown away when they could have gone to a food bank or something.
Fuuuuuuuuuck, what have I done?