Trailer Reviews: Alien: Covenant, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul, & Everything, Everything

By: Hawk Ripjaw –

There is nothing funny about this week.

Alien: Covenant

Oh boy, a sequel to Prometheus! How thrilling! Just what we all wanted! Given that Prometheus was a nice-looking, occasionally creepy two-hour cock-block, there’s little reason for me to want to have much hope for the next story, especially since Ridley Scott has like five more of these planned. What has me most curious is the screenplay: Damon Lindelof and his meandering ass is not involved with Covenant. John Logan, who has written some good stuff (Rango, Skyfall, Coriolanus) and some bad (The Time Machine, Star Trek: Nemesis) is joined by Dante Harper, who…. is the production manager on a bunch of documentaries. The story is by the screenwriter of Logan (yay!) and of Green Lantern (fuck!), so really this movie’s quality is anyone’s guess. I’m not going to get my hopes up.

Beer Prediction

And the line “Yeah, but this one has xenomorphs” isn’t an acceptable free pass for this to be loved.

 

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

Oh, my sweet hell, this looks horrible. I hate this trailer. I loathe it. This is one of the most infuriating, horrible, irritatingly-cut, unfunny, depressing, all-is-lost pieces of bullshit I’ve ever seen. This trailer looks like something I’d watch in the trailers of a videocassette for some B-grade Disney movie I checked out from the church library. Every time I see this fucking trailer, I have to look away. It seems specifically engineered to irritate, with characters specifically terrible in their own terrible ways, in a family film that appeals to none of the family. I don’t even want to think about this movie. It’s just wasted energy. I don’t know what the budget was for this, but whatever it was, that money could have been used for Guillermo del Toro’s Hellboy 3, but instead we’re getting a Hellboy reboot. And they say justice isn’t dead. Do they say that? Because apparently it is. 

Beer Prediction

I’m not fucking with you. This trailer makes my skin crawl.

 

Everything, Everything

I guess the world just fucking hates me because the only way this week can get worse is with the appearance of a movie that looks like the bastard child of Bubble Boy and The Space Between Us, except with a lot more depression and texting, and that stupid thing where you put your hands on some glass and the person on the other side also puts their hand on it so it’s like they’re touching each other through the glass. Seriously, have you ever seen that shit in real life? I’d feel like a damned idiot if someone caught me doing that. Anyway, I just want to get this over with. 

Beer Prediction

I’m reviewing this over the weekend. I expect to not enjoy my weekend. At least I’m not reviewing Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

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