This week kicked off the second week of Shituary, in which Hawk Ripjaw and I watch four bad movies each week and podcast the results. Below are four of the worst films by wrestlers sandwiched in between some other films I’ve seen.
22. Abraxas: Guardian of the Universe
Jesse Ventura is Abraxas and he is searching for the Comator. Don’t know what that means? Neither do the filmmakers. Down a Six-Pack and laugh your way through this hilariously awful mess!
23. River of Darkness
Kurt Angle is an asshole atheist in a town full of asshole Christians who murdered asshole rapists who weren’t really rapists but still asshole enough to murder people in their asshole afterlife. Down Six Beers until you’re as incoherent as this story.
Have you seen Kingpin? Would you like to see a shittier, less creative Kingpin? No? Neither did I. Drink Six Beers and curse your life choices.
25. Santo & Blue Demon vs Dracula & The Wolf Man
A Mexican Wrestling tribute to Hammer Horror, brought to you by the same studio responsible for the 1959 movie Santa Claus. Drink Three Beers and watch this shit without subtitles!
26. Mom and Dad (2018)
Nicolas Cage wants to kill his children. And based on how assholish his kids are in this movie, they probably deserve it. From the director of Crank? Drink Three Beers and enjoy the editing.
27. Phantom Thread (2017)
Watch as two completely unsympathetic characters fall into one of the more fucked up romances ever. But because Paul Thomas Anderson directed it, drink Two Beers for it being strangely compelling anyway.
28. Call Me by Your Name (2017)
Italy is a great country to be a rich intellectual. But be aware that your sexually confused teenager might be banging the guy renting out your room. Drink a Toast because of some sharp writing, stellar acting, gorgeous direction, and one of the best monologues Michael Stuhlbarg has ever given.