Ken’s Movie Diary 2018: ain’t nobody got no time fo’ that (Week 1)

It’s a New Year, and this year my resolution is to continue tracking and writing short reviews of every film I see, for better or worse… very often worse.  And it begins…

1. Russell Madness (2015) 

A Jack Russell terrier wrestles with the help of his Monkey friend, this is a thing that exists… Give this a watch if you desire a few fewer brain cells and want to see John Ratzenberger play a Vince McMahon-like villain. Five baffling Beers

2. Pup Star Better 2gether (2017)

If they made a movie about American Idol and filled it with shitty dog puns, shittier original pop songs, and set it in a world where dogs sing, disco dance and talk (and it’s ok with the humans)… What do I mean by If?  They did make that movie, this is the fucking sequel to it, and THERE IS ANOTHER ONE COMING in 2018! Six-Pack of spectacular shit

3. Pups United (2015)

Soccer playing dogs, a 1930s comedy duo masquerading as robbers, and an antagonist whose resting bitch face is matched only by her resting bitch-attitude. Featuring the voice of Rob Schneider! Drink a Six-Pack to forget…

4. Beverly Hills Chihuahua 3 (2012)

Drink a Six-Pack because you can’t remember a goddamned thing that happened in this dull slog of a movie… except for the fact that it has that one dude from Reno 911, and Kyle Gass.

5. Lucky (2017)

From the late Harry Dean Stanton, Lucky is a beautiful final gift to filmgoers. While director John Carroll Lynch may have a few things to learn about staging dialogue heavy scenes, he means well and the actors are all game to perform. One of the biggest surprises is a solid supporting turn by David Lynch. Two Beers: one for the movie, and another to toast Harry Dean’s life and career.

6. Wish Upon (2017)

2017’s clusterfuck of clusterfucks; a teenage girl discovers a wish giving box that takes a blood price in exchange. Bad acting, terrible editing, awful music, and some of the worst movie logic you’re ever bound to see. A Six-Pack isn’t enough, drink a forty to be sure.

7. The Road Movie (2017)

Compiling some of the most stunning camera footage from the dashboards of Russia, The Road Movie paints a dizzying picture of the truly insane streets of one of the biggest countries in the world. While thrilling, sometimes frightening, there really doesn’t seem to be any set arc to this. In Soviet Russia, Three Beers drink you!

8. Good Time (2017)

Everything that can go wrong, does in this truly disturbing thriller. Robert Pattinson plays a deeply misguided small time crook desperate to save himself and his mentally challenged brother, but bereft of the common sense that would take. Despite a truly dislikable lead, the poignant nature of this film deserves a solid Two Beers.

9. Their Finest (2017)

Just when you thought they were Dunkirk… the least known of the 3 British films of 2017 that reference the Battle is a quirky dramedy that follows the making of a propaganda film.  Another movie about making movies?  TWO META BEERS.

10. American Made (2017)

Tom Cruise is late to the “Comical Portrait of American Super Criminal” game, but director Doug Liman directs a tight script and the story is too fascinating to ignore.  Two Beers for the triangle drug trade!

11. Molly’s Game (2017)

Sure, Aron Sorkin’s characters all sound like Sorkin arguing with himself.  But his directorial debut is tightly crafted and features solid performances all around.  I’ll see you, and raise you two beers.

About Oberst von Berauscht

Oberst Von Berauscht once retained the services of a Gypsy to imbue in him the ability to accurately describe the artistic qualities of a film up to seven decimal points. To maintain this unique skill, he must feast on the blood of a virgin every Harvest Moon, or failing that (and he usually does), he can also make a dog do that thing they do where they twist their heads slightly (you know, when they’re confused about something) at least a few times a week. I’ve gotten way off track here… The point is, Oberst is one of the website’s founders, so… yeah

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