Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000) DVD / Blu-ray
By: Oberst Von Berauscht (Six Beers) -
How many beers do you recommend for this movie?
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Editor’s Note- What follows is an unedited document found at Oberst Von’s computer three days ago. If you have any idea as to his whereabouts, contact the authorities immediately.
Is something wrong with me? I’ve got no clue what I’m watching… Is Netflix messed up, or did this just start in the middle of a scene? At some point somebody’s going to have to… oh wait, what? Toxie’s in a bizzaro world now, ok I’m following it. So basically there is the evil Toxie and the good Toxie, and they’ve switched places. And both somehow have joined up with Kabukiman… and the Sklar brothers are in this for some reason.
Director- “Everybody else cancelled and we need a Cameo…”
Producer- “fuck it”
Beer One
Nothing in this feature approaches even the boundaries of coherent filmmaking, so there is therefore no point attempting to find good in it. Suffice to say, it’s unwatchable, and adds nothing of value to human culture.
Beer Two
Like spaghetti to the wall, director Lloyd Kaufman throws plot-points and dialog.
Last I checked though, uncooked noodles don’t stick.
Beer Three
It is clear that Director Lloyd Kaufman came to the first day of shooting without a script, and just told the actors to mouth words, fully intending to “fix it in post”. But when time came to edit the film, he locked himself in a janitor’s closet for 10 hours straight with some scissors, a flashlight, and three bottles of Elmer’s glue (Editing Tape long since having been used to repair the window of the trailer with a garbage bag).
Beer Four
Even now, a mere ten minutes after finishing the movie, I can hardly recall any particulars. Did I die of boredom halfway through? Are these keystrokes the final electric impulses of my brain, desperate to resolve its final business before giving way to permanent atrophy? Did I see them re-use that same goddamn car-crash shot again?
Beer Five
This is truly the end of all existence, an infinite blackness that I welcome, so long as Citizen Toxie isn’t allowed into the abyss.
Beer Six
Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer, Lloyd Kaufman is the Dragon, I am the slayer…………………..
Goddamn it… just goddamn…
Drinking Game
Take a Drink: for the bodycount
Take a Drink: for Kabukiman
Do a Shot: when you run out of beer… (you will)
