By: Oberst Von Berauscht -
Today we celebrate “International Talk like a Pirate Day”. This tradition, practiced by thousands of college students and tens of middle-aged parrot heads (the few who could find a babysitter on a Wednesday night), has been celebrated for the last 17 years. And we at Movieboozer decided to present a list of our favorite Pirates through movie history…
5) Captain Red
One look at the above image and I think you’ll agree that Walter Matthau’s performance as the aforementioned captain in Roman Polanski’s 1986 film Pirates is suitably grizzled. Fans of his work will know that Matthau is brilliant at playing dumpy characters, and it doesn’t get much dumpier than Captain Red. Here, watch him try to eat his first-mate:
Pirates is perhaps the worst movie on this list, mostly due to some very weak attempts at slapstick and a corny story that promise swashbuckling and delivers barnacles. But Matthau’s character is a definite highlight, what with the peg-legs, pistol packing, and opportunistic sodomy. (or did I confuse Matthau with Polanski?)…
4) Captain Hook
The Argument rages among Steven Spielberg fans as to whether Hook was a terrible movie, or just Spielberg’s worst movie. Neither is true (the worst is the “Director’s Cut” of 1941, which completely ruins the comic timing and substitutes alternate cuts of scenes that don’t work as well). I have a soft spot in my parrot-besotted heart for Dustin Hoffman’s eccentric Captain. He managed to embody all of the outward characteristics of the Disney Cartoon’s version, while managing to take the character to a darker place.
By the way, did anybody ever figure out how the pirates got their treasure? Are there other islands in Neverland that they raid?
3) Captain Ron
I’m stretching this a bit, but Kurt Russell’s character in Captain Ron isn’t exactly the kind of sea captain who’d pass for a fisherman. Russell’s performance is positively hilarious, and more than makes up for the less than interesting family unit he ushers aimlessly through the Caribbean. Captain Ron is an experienced sailor with a great deal of street sea-smarts, but absolutely no sense of direction. But what Ron lacks in conventional seamanship, he more than makes up for in Kurt Russellness…
2) Captain Long John Silver
In what is perhaps the epitome of Pirate movies, we have the walking, talking cliché that is Long John Silver. Pirate movies are inversely related to all other genres in this regard, therefore it is not a criticism. Captain Silver is endlessly quotable, scummy, scurvy, rum-drenched, and yet immensely likable, even as he becomes the antagonist.
1) Captain Blood
Errol Flynn basically invented the pirate hero persona, his swagger and rugged good looks only eclipsed by his masterful comic timing, making him number one on my list of “actors through history who would have made a good Guybrush Threepwood.” And yes, I rate all of my pirates by their approximation to early 90′s LucasArts Adventure games.
I think you’ll agree, insult sword fighting rules
Who are your favorite movie Pirates?
Leave a comment below!
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