By: Oberst Von Berauscht-
If Jason Bourne took on other Hollywood Spies in a fight to the death, who would win?
This weekend sees the opening of The Bourne Legacy, the fourth film in the highly successful franchise. Continuing the story without Matt Damon’s super-spy, and starring Jeremy Renner as “Not Matt Damon”, this new entry has a lot to prove in order to keep the series running and audiences interested. But I’m not here to talk about that, I’m here to answer the age-old question that I just came up with an hour ago…
Strengths: Street-smarts, stealth, parkour
Weaknesses: Amnesia, hunted by own agency, short life-span of friends / allies
(5.) Ethan Hunt
Appears in: Mission Impossible I, II, III and Ghost Protocol
Pros: Leadership, Rock-Climbing, High Thetan Count
Cons: Treasonous counterparts, Nonsensical Plot Twists
This is probably the most even match on the list. Both are experienced martial artists, often find themselves on the run, and able hide in plain sight. They also seem to be on equal-footing with regards to physical health, able to leap from rooftop to rooftop while being chased. This fight would be close.
Who would win?: In recent years Ethan has found at least a couple able team members who haven’t been killed off. Strength in numbers seem to earns him the edge…
(4.) Jack Bauer
Appears in: 24
Pros: USDA approved 100% Grade A prime AMERICA, Proficient with “Enhanced Interrogation Techniques”
Cons: ***REDACTED*** (wouldn’t you like to know, commie?)
Jack Bauer is accompanied by the full might and power of the United States Government, the same government who considers Jason Bourne a threat. Not only that, but Jack Bauer is able to accomplish more in Twenty-Four hours than most spies given a few months time. (Fox thankfully spared us the season where Bauer spends his day watching tv, and rubbing one out)
Who would win?: The fight seems lopsided at first, until you realize that no matter how hard you twist Jason Bourne’s testicles, it won’t help him remember where the bomb is planted.
(3.) Austin Powers
Appears in: Austin Powers, The Spy who Shagged me, Goldmember
Pros: Master of Mojo, Judo, Gratuitous Penis jokes
Cons: Catchphrases stopped being funny more than a decade ago
Used to taking on far higher profile adversaries, Austin Powers nevertheless has a long-running streak of sheer dumb luck when it comes to his fights. Although Jason Bourne isn’t one who likes to leave loose ends, so Austin probably can’t expect to be tied to an unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism anytime soon. Austin’s secret weapon is his truly grotesque dental hygiene, the reason that it is now illegal for him to smile in 73 countries.
Who would win: Austin’s weakness however is in the diminishing returns of his tactics. (The second and third movies just suck) Jason Bourne is the clear winner.
(2.) Jack Ryan
Appears in: The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, The Sum of All Fears
Pros: Quick Thinking, Intellectual, defiantly moralistic and self-sacrificing
Cons: Trust in Authority Figures / Incompetent Peers
Ryan can hold his own in a fistfight, owing to his past military service, but he definitely is no MMA fighter. Jason Bourne would kick Jack Ryan’s pasty-white ass in a straight up fight, but Ryan is far too smart to take him head-on. Jack Ryan’s greatest strength is his mind, he’s take his time and wait for the moment to strike.
Who would win?: In the end, Jack Ryan’s determination is his greatest strength. But I’ll let him explain.
Oh, and in case you missed it, it was Samuel L. Jackson saying “excuse me” near the end of that clip… If Jack Ryan’s got Jules Winnfield on his side, I wouldn’t fuck with him.
(1.) James Bond
Appears in: If you didn’t know this one, you probably wouldn’t be reading this article.
Pros: Swagger, Suave, Cunning-linguism
Cons: Moonraker, A View to a Kill, Die Another Day…
James Bond has suffered in recent years, so much that he even started copying the Bourne films in style in an attempt to keep relevant. But few will argue that there are still far more good Bond films than bad ones, and even a few great ones. Due to the many faces of James bond, the outcome of the fight will very well depend on the Actor portraying him. So I’ve broken down the next section accordingly.
Jason Bourne edges out Craig’s Bond by a badly mutilated pubic-hair
Jason Bourne would win this fight as well, in spite of Goldeneye (Seriously, fuck Die Another Day)
Often dismissed, Dalton’s Bond was by far the most emotionally driven. And while some Bonds allowed the villain to die an ironic, lavish death, Dalton preferred to SET THEM ON FIRE.
Point goes to Dalton
Moore’s Bond would be too busy making jocular comments and pithy quips, he wouldn’t even see Bourne coming.
Too busy appearing in Soft-Core Porn, so I won’t bother speculating on a fight which could never take place.
Bourne should have been mailed to the Marx Brothers, he doesn’t stand a chance…
Not now, not ever…
Here’s hoping that the new Bourne movie is worth it.
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