|#10 – Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection (2012) - Rated a Six Pack: I’ve already used up my six beers and didn’t even get a chance to go into the story’s inconsistencies, the unresolved subplots (So the mob just gave up trying to find them? So is George Joe’s son? So Lil’ Romeo will continue to have an acting career?) , and have I mentioned it’s just not funny at all? Was there a moral? I guess if a film ends with everyone dancing at a church, that means it does?Bottom line: If you liked the past movies, you’ll probably like this one. I didn’t like this one so I’m sure I probably won’t like any of the past movies. Either way, Tyler Perry will make more money than both of us. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: every time someone says “Ponzi scheme.”
Take a Drink: every time a white person sings badly.
Take a Drink: every time someone says something racist and Madea’s eyes bug out.
Take a Drink: every time you try to remember if Denise Richards could ever act.
Take a Drink: whenever you wonder how movies like this even get made.
Take a Drink: whenever anyone refers to yoga as “Yoda.”
Take a Shot: every time you get an unwanted mental image of Eugene Levy and Denise Richards having sex.
Chug: during every church scene.
|#9 – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012) - Rated 5 Beers: Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is interesting to say the least. I respect novel and screenplay writer Seth Grahame Smith for taking such a difficult and touchy subject and bringing an element of gothic horror to it; however, that doesn’t make for a great film. Had the details and characters been tweaked and developed better the film could have been an impressive genre mash up. Instead it’s nothing more than cheap entertainment using the hot topic of vampires to get fanboys wet. Shame on you Hollywood, shame. Read the full review!|
|#8 – That’s My Boy (2012) - Rated 4 Beers: Not the return to form of the Sandler films of the late 90′s, but then again, who’s still expecting that to happen? The critics are going to blast the hell out of this movie…but they are all sober. They cannot see that this movie is a comeback for Sandler to capture the young preteen audience. For the rest of us, this one keeps the drama thin and delivers a few surprising laughs. It’s a late night rental, made to be watched drunk… and that’s the only way it should be watched. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: everytime someone says “Waaasssssuuuuppp”
Take a Drink: whenever Sandler cracks open a beer
Take a Drink: whenever someone is referred to as “guy” (the New Englander sip)
Down a Shot: VANILLA ICE???
Down a Shot: when he actually says “THAT’S MY BOY”
|#7 – Rock of Ages (2012) - Rated 4 Beers: I really wanted to love this but I left the theater feeling let down rather than pumping devil horns in the air. There are a few chuckles and standout moments, but as a whole, Rock of Ages misses the mark. It’s hard to tell what kind of movie Adam Shankman was trying to make as it never seems to fully commit to parody or full-on camp. I’m sure his heart was in the right place, but it just didn’t rock. In a nutshell, it’s basically Glee does the 80’s, with extra sugar poured on top. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: every time the Hollywood sign is shown. (Note: it is impossible to take a taxi to the Hollywood sign)
Take a Drink: at every close-up of Tom Cruise’s crotch.
Take a Drink: for every groupie Stacee Jaxx makes out with.
Take a Drink: every time someone sticks out and wags their tongue. (Small sips, this happens a LOT.)
Take a Drink: every time you wish you were listening to the original version of a song instead
Take a Drink: when you spot the Slayer poster at Tower Records.
Take a Shot: every time you admit to someone that Tom Cruise made a believable rock star.
|#6 – Magic Mike (2012) - Rated 3 Beers: Grab a few pals, down some cocktails and smooth out those ones. You won’t walk away enriched, but you will be entertained. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: ass, chaps or thong – no one rides for free!
Take a Drink: every time a lady gets plucked out of the crowd by a stripper and put onstage.
Take a Drink: for every ensemble striptease.
Take a Drink: every time you think, “Wait, isn’t Matthew McConaughey just playing himself?”
Do a Shot: every time Brooke throws a wet blanket on the proceedings.
|# 5 – Ted (2012) - Rated a Six Pack: This is most likely the best comedy that you will see in theaters this year. Seth MacFarlane, Mark Wahlberg, and Mila Kunis are each spectacular in this movie and hopefully they can make another movie together again in the future. This is also a great start for MacFarlane as a director and I am eagerly anticipating seeing what he will come up with in the future. See this movie and you will laugh out loud in the theater and will probably be quoting it for years to come. Review the full review!
Take a Drink: every time Tom Skerritt is referenced in the movie.
Do a Shot: every time you see Flash Gordon (the movie)
|#4 – Prometheus (2012) - Rated 2 Beers: This is a fantastic sci-fi movie and taken as a standalone movie it may be considered to be a great one in time. When stacked up against the rest of the movies in the series it comes in third to Alien and Aliens. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Go to the nearest IMAX Theater and go with the 3D version, you will be blown away by the visual quality of the movie and you will also get a good story as well. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: every time Fassbender stares at the screen blankly.
Take a Drink: every time you sense or hear an existential question
Take a Drink: every time you see a tie-in to Alien
Take a Shot: every time Charlize’s character seems to be the only rational one on the planet.
Take a Shot: every time an alien goes inside someone (or comes out).
|#3 – Brave (2012) - Rated 3 Beers: Overall, this film could have used a more focused story and a lot more levity. While it’s not Pixar’s best, it is an ok movie and a good afternoon time-waster. The visuals are stunning, and the (matinee) ticket might be worth the price of admission just to see Pixar’s animated short La Luna which runs before Brave. All in all though, if you want a lot of laughs and a general good time for all ages, go see Madagascar 3 instead. Sorry Pixar. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: for every bare ass and every bear ass on display (there’s quite a bit of both)
Take a Drink: every time the story completely changes directions
Chug a Beer: whenever you catch yourself staring at Merida’s hair and counting the strands
|#2 – Snow White and The Huntsman (2012) - Rated 4 Beers: Outstanding performances by Theron and Hemsworth, coupled with darkly saturated landscapes, can only help this film so much. At the end of the day Snow White is still a sleepy young girl who needs a lot of help. Read the full review!
Take a Drink: every time Chris Hemsworth fights some CGI.
Take a Drink: every time Eric the Huntsman snarls in slow-mo.
Take a Drink: every time Queen Ravenna screams.
Take a Shot: for Kristen Stewart and her heaving breasts. Hey, at least she’s replaced the lip biting that constituted her “acting” in those god-awful Twilight flicks!
|#1 – Madagascar 3 (2012) - Rated 2 Beers: Madagascar 3 is a fun flick that will keep you and your family entertained for 90 minutes without making you regret having kids because of the movies you’re forced to take them to (I’m looking at you, Alvin & the Chipmunks!). In this day and age of recessions, war and real-life zombies in the news, what more could you ask for? Read the full review!
Take a Drink: whenever there’s a joke at the expense of the French or the Canadians or the French-Canadians
Chug a Beer: when you start humming “Firework” to yourself
Take a Drink: whenever Gia the Jaguar butchers another line with her terrible accent
Finish the Bottle and Become a Sad Drunk: as soon as you realize that animals in the circus probably aren’t as happy as this movie makes them out to be