By: Marielle -

Magic Mike -

C-Tates is returning to his roots as a stripper, and he’s ready to show the world that his personal brand of swigger is clothing optional.

It looks like the central conflict is that C-Tates’s love interest doesn’t agree with his choice of occupation. How is she not laughing at this?

Who invited Prudence T. Coldpants?

It’s an interesting twist on the old classic ‘men always wanting women to put their clothes back on’ chestnut we see repeatedly in the media.

Aside from how grumpy and annoying this disapproving Cody Horn already is, this looks decently watchable, and not just because of the dong. I mean, helicoptering wang. I mean, ass crests. I mean, C-Tates’s butthole. Dammit, why isn’t the backspace key working??!

Beer Prediction

Male stripping is ridiculous and inherently funny: add in a white b-boy takin’ it off and my, my, you’ve got a recipe for some sweaty laughs. C-Tates showed the haters what’s what with his surprising comedic performance in 21 Jump Street. McConaughey was born to play a half-naked and shiny mentor. The romance aspect will be cringe-y, and I’m sure it’ll try to force some overwrought climax down our throats. But some surprising comedic moments will surely pop up if handled correctly. Boners!

People Like Us -

A financially troubled Chris Pine’s father has died and Pine has been charged with the task of delivering 150k to a sister he never knew he had. She was officially left out of his will apparently because she’s the black sheep of the family.

Pine is torn between wanting to keep the money and doing the right thing and give it to his estranged sister and her a-hole son. It’s a manipulative way to tell your son he has a sibling and force him into a moral dilemma at the same time. Turns out being a total a-hole runs in the family.

Beer Prediction

I know exactly how this will end. Predictability isn’t a sure measure for whether or not something is good, though. But with this contrived premise and so many feel good smiles in the trailer, this is weighing too heavily on the cheese side.

Ted -

While I grew tired of Family Guy years ago, Seth MacFarlane is undoubtedly a great comedic writer and performer. He voices Ted with a harsh, Peter-esque Bawston accent and complements Mahky Mahk’s natural prosody. The dynamic between man and anthropomorphic bear is surprisingly satisfying. Particularly because the two talk with the brash honesty and mild racism of two bros just maxin’ and relaxin’.

Just kidding — no one cares about white trash.

I’m wondering whether it will follow the format of Family Guy and have a loose plot that is a really just an excuse for outrageous bits and silly tangents. Not that I’m necessarily complaining. Comedies too often start off right and then become too self-serious when the writers realize they’re supposed to be working in some kind of “moral to the story” and “ending.”

And I’m not really looking for sentimentality in a movie with a bear humping a grocery store till. But, I hope MacFarlane can add in the story elements necessary to pull off a tight and consistent comedy.

Beer Prediction

Either way, fart and dick jokes from a master.

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection -

“More like Witless Protection!” – Most professional reviews, I imagine.

I definitely have the urge to just write a good ol’ simple, dismissive “no.” But, in the spirit of a black man dressing up like an old, fat black woman: AWWWW HELL NO!

Beer Prediction

Remind me again of how Tyler Perry’s Madea is moral and folksy and not racist and sexist? Oh, ’cause it’s a comedy. Right. So many laughs.