By: Oberst Von Berauscht - 

Whether you subscribe to the belief that film is an artistic medium, or simply a good way to pass the time, you probably have noticed that all careers in the industry seem to follow some form of an arc.  Some performers never hit it big, but keep working for years delivering consistent performances, while other careers burn brightly only to fizzle out just as quickly.  But those who do make it big are rarely able to stay there for long.  The fact is that aging actors often reach a point in their career where they have to make the decision of whether or not to go on.

Below are some actors who’ve made the wrong decision…

(5.) Mel Gibson

Whereas other actors made this list for taking bad roles, or for refusing to challenge themselves, Mel Gibson is here for batshit insanity. Few actors have torpedoed themselves so profoundly, and publicly.  Between the drunk-driving race-rant, and the series of drunken phone-calls, he has become box-office poison.  This is tragic in many ways, not the least being that he is a fairly gifted actor with a great deal of screen-presence.  And while I am not a huge fan of his directed films, Apocalypto showed that he was beginning to find a unique voice; it would have been interesting to see him go further with his vision.  On the other hand, Trey Parker and Matt Stone might have been right…

They called him on his shit long before his shit was so… apparent

(4.) Julia Roberts

Once a promising leading Actress with an eclectic career,  in the early 2000′s something changed in Julia Roberts.  Perhaps her Oscar-Winning role in Erin Brockovich went to her head, but ever since then she has played various modifications of the exact same character, occasionally with an accent.  In her attempts to portray a middle-class working woman, (Eat, Pray, Love; Larry Crowne) she seems about as comfortable as I am while trying to take leak in a crowded bathroom.

Please, don’t talk to me…

(3.) Eddie Murphy

Most people were in denial about this one until recently, but the last time Eddie Murphy was “Eddie Murphy” was 1992′s The Distinguished Gentleman.  While it isn’t by any means his best film, it did feature the kind of cynically fun social humor that made him popular.  Following a handful of lesser recieved films he started to take scripts with less complexity, and broader humor, meant to appeal to younger audiences.

Allow me to illustrate the degradation of his career:

In this scene Murphy is literally arguing with himself; the humor from the scene is in watching their interactions, and drawing parallels with our own experiences with these familiar characters.  It is Eddie Murphy at his outrageous best, and highlights his talent of social commentary.

The focus of the humor in this scene is farting, sophomoric humor at best… though the family members interacting with each other does create a familiar atmosphere, and I can see how one might call it funny.

Fat people are fat…

(2.) Adam Sandler 

There was a time in the late 90′s and  2000′s when Adam Sandler’s movies had some level of earnestness, even the lesser ones.  At his best, Sandler’s style of comedy mixed demented bawdiness with just enough heart  to endear him with audiences.  He even found time to appear in the indie flick Punch-Drunk Love, and the flawed, but underrated drama Reign Over Me.  Around this time something changed in Sandler.

And changed in all of us…

This change was partially brought on by his family life, which clearly moved him to soften his edge.  But Sandler’s comedy has always concealed a kind of childlike innocence, and had it not been for a handful of unfortunate circumstances, he may have kept his credibility.  Judd Apatow’s 2009 movie Funny People used the excuse of a “disease drama” as a way for Sandler to poke fun at his own career mistakes, and to present him in a new and refreshing manner via a solid dramatic performance.  Unfortunately, Apatow’s ambitions got the best of him, in a third act that not only torpedoed the movie, but seemed to drive Sandler back into his comfort zone.  The result of which is Sandler putting out uninspired film after uninspired film, each one more reviled by critics and audiences alike.

And he kept this guy working… the biggest insult of all.

(1.) Al Pacino

In the 70′s he had The Godfather, in the 80′s he had Scarface, in the 90′s Scent of a Woman, in the 00′s he had… what the fuck did he have?  *Googles filmography*

Jesus man, you were Serpico…  are you concealing a crack habit that you have to appear in 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill?  Two movies so obviously created (by the same director mind you) for the sole purpose of exploiting your past glory.  Also, Gigli, and… Jack and Jill?

You broke my heart, Al… You broke my heart.

I want to conclude by saying that each one of these actors is no less capable of making a good movie now than they were at their career height.  But it is going to take a lot more effort, (and in Mel Gibson’s case, sincere repentance) to make me care about them again.

Is Oberst a RETARDGAYLOLZ!!FAG0RZ1 for hating on your favorite celebrity?

Do you have a better idea and some constructive way of communicating it?

Leave a comment and let us know!

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