By: Oberst Von Berauscht -
Before the internet, but after the stone-age of the 1970′s was a time when great and noble institutions dominated the strip-malls of suburbia. Yes, there was a time when someone had to visit a video rental store in order to secure himself an evening’s entertainment. Growing up in this harrowing era, I was raised on a steady supply of films from a cinematic repository known as ”Spotlight Video”. My childhood mind would often force me to wander to the science fiction section, where I would rent anything with cool box art.
Soon enough, as I soldiered on though my childhood, I started to notice changes in these movies. Even movies I’d seen a hundred times before appeared differently. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was receiving an education that would prepare me for an adolescence of 50 minute showers and scrambled Cinemax. Lessons such as these I carry with me to this very day, for better, or much, much worse…
*Let me just warn you in advance that this article contains a plethora of SPOILERS for just about every movie mentioned.
(5.) The Terminator/Back to the Future
Many diverse facits of Time-Travel had been explored through film prior to and during the 1980′s. However it was up to the decade’s two most popular and enduring examples to teach children about time-sex.
In The Terminator, young waitress Sarah Connor discovers that her future son John will be the military leader of a planet-wide resistance movement against evil robots. She discovers this when John sends one of his Lieutenants Kyle Reese back into the past to serve as her protector.
“Let me ‘protect’ you out of those pants”
In a strange turn of fate, Sarah becomes pregnant with Reese’s baby, the film ends with her recognizing that this was meant to be, and she drives off into the sunset. The film never answers the question of what kind of time-paradox this sort of situation would create. Surely since John already existed to save humanity and send Reese back in time, that means Reese cannot possibly be John’s father…
“And I’ll be damned if I become my own.”
This brings me to Back to the Future, where they address this concept directly, by interfering with the pivotal moment where Marty’s parents meet, he inadvertently places himself in a position to be his own mother’s love interest (to the tune of Huey Lewis and the News). The rest of the film has him working tirelessly to have his future parents fall in love, at the same time watching as his family and even he starts to fade away from existence. If these rules are applied The Terminator, that means Reese died in the past. Does that also mean he never lived in the future, or if he did, how was John even born to begin with?
The main lesson learned here… time-travel sex is the alternate way to become your own grandpa.
(4.) The Star Wars Trilogy
With a plot that revolves around galactic politics, civil war, and blue-eyed Muslims riding on worms, it’s a wonder that any of it makes sense.
Also, Dune had this:
You know, they have a pill for that now…
As if grotesque vagina-faced superintelligent beings weren’t enough, the movie also featured male pop stars in rubber undies…
Wing-shaped undies no less…
To giant phallic worms who devour anything that moves…
Paging Dr. Freud
My point is, watching Dune at 10 years old was sort of like being molested, minus the chance of a reach-around. Come to think of it, it kind of still feels that way…
(2.) Battle Beyond the Stars
This 1980 Star Wars rip-off from Roger Corman’s studio was a mainstay of video-store shelves in its time. It helped to usher a generation of pre-teens into manhood, via “actress” Sybil Danning.
“Actress” is in quotations for a reason.
I really don’t have much to say about the movie itself, as I’m saving it for a review that I have coming out in the near future. But Sybil Danning was without a doubt behind one of my earliest boners (TMI?).
(1.) The Alien Trilogy
Look no further for sexual metaphor and disturbing imagery than the franchise created by filmmaker Ridley Scott. This weekend saw the release of Prometheus, and while I won’t spoil that movie for you, I will say that it doesn’t give the viewer any less reason to question whether or not Scott had a disturbing childhood.
The creature designs of the Alien franchise are based on concept art from surrealist H.R. Giger, whose drawings evoke dark sexuality, and… well fucking dark-ass sexuality.
That is a penis-headed alien holding his five foot-long penis-penis over his head, as three smaller penises grow out of his spinal chord. PENIS.
And then there is the question of the Face-hugger creatures, who attach to the face of their prey and force a phallic appendage down the victim’s throat, impregnating them with a phallic-shaped baby alien who then bites his way through the stomach, before bursting out through the skin.
Yep, Giger created that too.
There are so many other aspects of this that I could explore, but I think I’ve haunted your nightmares enough already. I’ll summarize by saying that Alien creeped the shit out of me when I was little, and for damn good reasons too. But were it not for the brilliance of these, and many other sci-fi filmmakers, I wouldn’t be as completly terrified of sex as I am now. The format of sex-education is a hotly debated topic on the floor of congress to this very day, when what they should be doing is showing Alien in 5th grade health classrooms. Because if you don’t want to teach the truth about sex to children, you could at least scare them into abstinence, while letting them see a pretty rad movie at the same time.
Is Oberst’s sex life permanently crippled by excessive nerdity?
Is that maybe, actually kind of a good thing, considering the alternative?
Will you have trouble sleeping tonight with that terrifying image in your head?
Leave a comment and let us know!
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