By: Marielle -

I’m not gonna lie: I want to crawl into bed and watch Game of Thrones for the third time. Impress me, trailers.

Act of Valor -

I’m already confused. The story is fictional, but real Navy SEALs star in the movie and are using their real weapons for some reason.  Rather than set up the premise (beyond ‘hey it’s Navy SEALs doing cool shit!) the trailer is a series of cuts of badassery and power words! COURAGE! LOYALTY! HONOR! SWEET POON AT HOME HOPING WE STAY SAFE!

‘A baby pen? Well, that vagina’s gonna be ruined before we even get back!’

Are they trying to trick us into thinking this is a pseudo-documentary? The opening quote, “you don’t expect your family to understand what you’re doing; you just hope they accept it” tells us the purpose of this project. Say it with me: GETTIN’ POON! I mean, PROPAGANDA!

Beer Prediction

They might show us some cool combat sequences and a look into the apparently-not-covert-at-all-ops of these men, but why not do it with real actors? Or, why not make a documentary?

Wanderlust -

It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good comedy release. But, man, it can be hard to tell from the trailers whether something is going to be genuinely funny the whole way through. Paul Rudd?  Outlook looks good. Jennifer Aniston? Ooh, very doubtful.

Rudd and Aniston play a couple who have fallen on hard times because of this gosh-dern economy, and they seek shelter with Rudd’s brother, played by Ken Marino. Well, surprise, he’s a douche, and on their way elsewhere, they stumble upon a hippy commune fully equipped with free love, life lessons, and last but not least: laughs.

Oh, interracial hippie couple, can’t you tell this is a bad time?

There’s only room for number two in here, right? Anyone?

Beer Prediction

Victim of an unimpressive trailer, perhaps? It’s written by Ken Marino and David Wain who are funny dudes. But, Aniston and wacky stereotypes need to be handled by experts on the top of their game to avoid being a big number two in here. I think Rudd will save the day.

Gone -

Amanda  Seyfried plays a young woman who claims she was abducted and left for dead in a hole and now believes her sister was snatched by the same perp. The police don’t believe her and act like total a-holes about it, perhaps because solving severe crimes is hard and they have better things to do like yelling at skateboarders and planting drugs on minorities.

‘Let’s not even look into this one. Just sprinkle some coke on her. Wait, she’s a blonde woman. All right, splash her with a Smirnoff Ice.’

I’m not buying Seyfried in this role. Her passionate determination feels a tad out-of-place, even forced. And it’s not because she’s a tiny blonde woman—you get a couple of Smirnoff Ices in those ladies and they’ll make you pray for a sweet release from this mortal coil.

Beer Prediction

I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. If you’re looking for suspense, I’d take this over Act of Valor and save the extra beer to splash on someone I need to incriminate later.

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds -

Perry has essentially remade the basic, feel-good parable several times now. Family matters. Men need to be men and women need to be women. Something, something, race discussion. People love his movies and people hate his movies. Mostly, I just don’t care.

Beer Prediction

I guess?  At least he’s not in a cross-dressing fat suit this time. I’ll let our reviewer get down to the real critique. It’s time for some Joffrey slapping.