By: Wonko The Sane (Six Beers) -
Wonko: “You really need a synopsis for this?”
Editor: “Well yeah, you saw the movie after all…”
Wonko: “You don’t get it”
Editor: “What is there to get?”
Wonko: ”Well, let me explain it this way… take Zombieland, subtract the jokes, give it a SyFy Channel budget and add a paycheck hungry Crab Man from My Name is Earl.
“My afro has it’s own booking agent.”
Editor: “Ok, I’m following you so far…”
Wonko: “And a confused looking Ving Rhames is in it too. So, what do you get with all that?”
Editor: “I’d say you’ve got your synopsis.”
Wonko: ”Works for me.”
Editor: “Just one suggestion; from now on would you mind sending your reviews via Email?”
“Your usual method is starting to worry my landlord…”
I’m a sucker for some good old blood n’ guts. And Zombie Apocalypse does present this in abundance. From arrows to swords, rifles to chainsaws, heavy machine guns and high explosives, the movie does a great job finding ways for its characters to utilize every fun weapon in the Zombie killing handbook.
“Just call me ‘Percy Sledge’”… No? How about Fred ‘The Hammer’ Williamson?
The trick to making a good Zombie movie is to combine a dose of social commentary into the mixture of blood and gore. Instead what we get with Zombie Apocalypse is a series of cliched dialog scenes about how the world has changed, and that nobody’s safe anymore, punctuated by flesh-rotting corpses being bashed in by hammers. Which makes me wonder where the screenwriters found my middle-school journal.
Poor Ving Rhames… one starring role in the Dawn of the Dead remake and suddenly your career is relegated to B-Horror and the occasional Mission Impossible movie. (the latest of which you’re in for about 30 seconds) If he’s not careful, the average filmgoer may someday forget what Marcellus Wallace looks like.
While I do like the idea of having our heroes fighting crazed Zombie Tigers at the end of the movie, the CGI is so laughably rendered it could only have come from The Asylum.
Didn’t I see you in a Resident Evil cutscene somewhere?
The Asylum has learned from the best *cough* LordofTheRingsTrilogy *cough*. Far easier than having a story to worry about, you can make a movie by having a group of characters walk around for 90 minutes towards a MacGuffin. With a Zombie film of course this happens all the time, but usually the the interplay of characters or the things they discover are involving enough that you forget what you’re seeing is essentially plotless. Unfortunately, the characters in this movie never develop beyond their basic roles. You have the “tough girl”, the “seasoned vet”, the “sharpshooter”, and the “clearly not going to die in the next scene guy”.
I’m giving every one of the SyFy channel movies an extra beer until they change their name back.
I’ll imagine greater when you start spelling Sci-Fi correctly… basic-cable bastards.
You better double-up on this one… thank god for inventing beer cases.
Bonus Drinking Game
Take a Drink: when terrible CGI Zombie Animals appear
Take a Drink: for running Zombies (because fuck running Zombies)
Take a Drink: every time someone mentions the Island of Catalina
Drink a Shot: when Ving Rhames attempts, and fails, to make a catchphrase